I remember being 6 months pregnant laying on a mattress that resided on the floor of my mothers house. My pug, who was my greatest companion, was curled up on the crevice of my hip beneath my growing belly that housed my child. I felt no connection to this child. I felt no connection to myself. I stared at the ceiling … It was a weekend night. My friends were out being youthful. My partner was out hooking up with only god knows who. Though he fought hard to keep it hidden and despite me never searching for the truth my spirit always felt it… the intuition of betrayal is a hell of a gift I believe most people have. The kind that will make you doubt every part of yourself from your intelligence to your sanity… and even purity. I had never been more alone than during my pregnancy.
All I could do was replay the past or envision the future. Neither was comforting. All my concerns were about me losing my life to a child I did not feel connected to. I dreaded having her rather than anticipating the powerful moment of birth. In fact, It was that moment, on that mattress that I remember thinking “I already lost it.” What was I speaking of?
My life.
My future.
My freedom.
My body.
My happiness was somehow tied to all of it.

The questions that raged in my mind and if you’re anything similar to me I’m sure has raged in yours:
Can I really raise this child?
Would I get my body back?
Will anyone else really love or want me?
Will I get to live my dreams?

Fear has a grand way of emerging from the unknown.
So make it known.
Study, learn, get knowledge and most importantly put to action what you learned!
You truly can and will achieve all of it but you need to build drive and determination. Never go into a new season of your life unprepared.
Yes you absolutely can raise this child you may not feel connected with now. Love, just like anything worthwhile, is something you have to grow and develop. Parenting is not natural to us all, actually I would argue it’s not natural to anyone. The people good at parenting have most likely been around children or taken care of someone other than themselves at one point of their lives. So get prepared for it, as you would for an exam. Study about different styles of parenting. Study about children and growth. So if you want to become a good parent, have a good body, get a career, and live your dreams. Prepare. Put effort into changing your life!
You are so capable of it all! Reading this is a start it means you have drive but ultimately you need to be determined. Ready to build. To fight for yourself in a way no ones has fought for you.

“Success is the sum of small efforts,
Repeated day-in and day-out.”
-Robert Collier

So my first key is:
You still have your life. You have not lost anything. You have everything within you to get the life you want.
Get an idea and put the effort in. Build habits, and build a system. Enjoy the process because it’s this very season that builds you the most. Appreciate yourself for everything you have endured and let it go! It serves you no purpose now. Show yourself some kindness and release it.
No matter the doubt, the poor decisions, the shame, the anger, the betrayal, the pain, the fear, and especially the regret. Let it go. It might not have happened the way you hoped but there’s so much you carry in blessings. I dare you to build the greatest version of you yet.
You will achieve your goals and know from wherever you’re reading this from I support you!

Much love my dear,

Abigail Enriquez

P.S. don’t be afraid to take on the world!