Hello there!

Wellcome to my healing process 🌿

I won't tell you who I am, but you'll be able to read my deepest thoughts and walk with me through a cannabic healing path I am about to start here.

I'll be posting regularly, as if this was a diary I'll be writing about all the things that come to my head, I know I'm mentally ill and I'll be working forward affording therapy, at this time I can't, so I'll work the way I can and that it's by writing and letting things become real and start processing them.

You'll see that journey 💚

I'll leave here some advice, like tips, of those things that I've found helpful and maybe you can use to get better. I'm not a professional so I recommend that you look for professional help if you feel like you need it, it's a process and you are not alone out there, we are more than you can even imagine 💙

Having a hobby that helps you fight anxiety it's the best❤️

Picture this... Mine it's photography ✨

My Top Tricks

Witchy Secrets 🍁

Remember that this is a personal journey without the guidance of a professional. I'll love to help you but if you feel that you are on edge the most responsible decision is to take action and find professional counsel 💚

Be strong, we are more than you think and here to support each other 🧡

1. Put less stress and guilt on you ❤️

No matter what got you here, try to let things go, don't put more pressure on yourself.

I know you'll get angry, because saying "calm down" never ever calmed anyone, but keep reading.

It's not about deciding one day that you won't pressure yourself anymore, that's simply impossible, you have to see it more as a mind set, it will take time, years maybe, but thought time you'll start to see progress.

How fast it would be? That's impossible to know, totally unsure.

But yeah, it took me almost 2 years of repeating myself that the fact that I get worried won't solve it to really start to believe it, now it's been another 2 years and I can say that I'm a different person.

Doing concius activities to improve your patience it's really important too 🧿

2. Know your strains

I've been learning a lot about the way my body reacts to cannabis,

Different strains have specific benefits, I've come to realize which one works for my insomnia, which one helps my with anxiety or with things that look easy like getting out of bed.

Some amazing strains help with appetite issues, and that I love because I love eating, but sometimes I have trouble with eating, not precisely for the food.

Wellcome to my life monchies!! 😍🍁🔥

Also try to know where your weed comes from and if possible try and grow your own 😊

3. Paint some fucking fruit 😂

Hopefully there's some Disjointed fans here 💛

I found painting really relaxing and calming.

If you are going to say that you can't paint, stop right there, everyone can paint, some are more talented and that's all, like in every aspect of life.

And if painting it's not for you it's ok, the point here is that you find activities that you like and feel confident doing, thing you enjoy and that help you get through stressful situations 🍃

Follow your flow 🍀

Right now it's 5:11 am and I'm still up, I have to wake up at 10 am.

This is shit and it alwhave been.

Now I'm working on it and cannabis helps a lot, but there are good days and there are some terrible ones when I don't get to choose to go to sleep. I hate that.

I have trouble falling asleep almost since I can remember and my parents never gave it the importance it has.

If you are having trouble sleeping, if you suffer from insomnia, depression, PTSD, or any other condition, you should take care of your sleeping treatment, call it pills, drops, joints or natural extracts, find what works for you that does not hurt you and don't be ashamed about it 💚

I'll say weed the people!

Some days I cry for no reason...

And for everything at the same time...

The idea of not being enough

What a piece of crap

I grew up in a disfuncional home, my parents are really alike in some aspects but in other they are completely different.

That's the kind of bullshit I got used to say and think...

Why? Why was that so relevant? The true is that it wasn't, they were disfuncional because they never even tried to create a communication channel between them, of course that with me either.

For me they ran out of excuses long ago, they are two adults that should have fix their problems in a better way.

And then when they separated they both decided that I was going to be the center of their lives, some more nonsense... No one should be nobody's live, that's to much of a responsability.

Moste days I feel like my own happiness it's to hard to handle, and most people just make it more complicated, but I'm not responsible for my parents happiness, I can't do it, 3 lives its to much to carry...

So all my life I've been fighting the feeling that I'm not enough, I've never reach the expectations, nobody's expectations and in the long term that feeling kind of sticks...

Now I have tears in my eyes, it's hard to star writing again it's weird to feel like I love it again, because every time I have love writing I've been so down it was scary... I don't want to go back there again, I need to process some things before I can handle some new ones, because they always appear...

I hate feeling like no matter how much I do, how much I give, how much I care, I end up being always on debt with everyone...

It hurts not to be enough by being you... You end up feeling like you need to change, to do more, to give more and more of yourself to make the others happy, and the more you pretend to be happy and ok, the more you know you are going down, almost under, where breathing gets heavier every day...

I don't want to go back there, but it's hard not no start sliding in some weird way.

I'm glad that now I have someone by my side that reminds me that I'm perfect with my imperfections and that I'm loved just like I am.

You have no idea how scary it was feeling that I was loosing him, I'm so glad it didn't happened, I'm happier that we are better than ever.

He has become my lighthouse in this scary ocean on my mind 🛶

Don't be afraid of being who you are, if people around you don't accept you, maybe you need new people

The ocean it's too big to stop for a few fish

She just treated me like she fears me.

"I'm sorry I'm not doing it faster, I don't want you to get mad"

She treated me like all my family has been doing for as long as I can remember... Like they were afraid of me.

I've been my nicer version with her, never even got into a real fight in almost a year...

And here I am, crying in the terrace...

I want us to move so I can feel at home, I don't feel at home here anymore, the truth is that it's her home and that pretty clear, always.

I feel broken, turned, cold... All together out of nowhere, it wasn't the best day, but it wasn't a shitty one, you know? It was being nice, this episodes are hard to come from.

I hate feeling like this, I love being a peaceful person and I try really hard to stay calm at every time, my parents still manage to take me out of my zen zone, but I'm getting there, so I feel like crap thinking that she sees me like them... Like I'll explote or something.

And now it's going to be all about her, everything, and her anxiety, and all, and it's ok because I know it's harder for her, but I'm in pain as well and sometimes it's like she doesn't realize...

With deep thoughts

I'll like my head to be clear like water

S T R E S S

Today it's been hard

Today was a bad day, even if nobody said it, it was... We made each other feel bad, and that it's not ok.

Most days I just go with the flow and do as she wants, I don't want to put more pressure on her, but it's hard some days, because not all my days are good.

At the begging it wasn't this bad, but I need help, I need her to have the energy she had a few months ago, and a part of me feels that she does, but she does not want to do as much as she sais, and it's ok, maybe she feels that she can't, but I know she does, we have been living together long enough for me to know the difference between a real bad day when she doesn't have energy at all, and this days when she is all about not wanting to be a burden and feeling sorry and then asking for things that I know she can do.

And I know she can because if I don't move in a few minutes she just decides to go, so the energy was actually there, she just didn't feel like it... That worries me...

The other day I went out for a few hours and when I came back she asked me what we where eating, and I wasn't hungry, I asked what she had eaten and she replied that she "didn't know she was supposed to".

It feels like she doesn't realize that I shouldn't be responsible for that, her actions are putting pressure on me, and it's my health too.

She knows I have a nervous issue and it feels like she doesn't really acknowledge that, it's not into her to think that her actions affect me as mine affect her, it's a two ways situation and I don't feel much supported sometimes.

I feel like all my day I do things in order to help her to be ok, and I don't really know how that it's working for me long time...

We need to talk and I don't know how, it's a hard situation.

I don't want her to feel bad and I don't know a way to have a relax conversation about this, I feel like drawing, I need us to move to a bigger place with separate spaces so we start living as independent individuals, and do thing at different times with it not being weird.

It feels nice to let things go...

Find more than one relaxing activity

Or try to chill in regular ones, I find cooking really peaceful and therapeutic

Sex education

I have sexual issues and I know it.

I found someone, a few months ago, but yesterday at the same time, to found some of my new boundaries.

I don't think that limits are permanent, nothing in life is, not life itself, for me our outline changes through life, with us, and it adapts to our new self, always.

I had some edges defined some years back, but this guy will test way deeper, in a way that's only possible because I intend to find out who I really want to be and what works better for me.

It's going to be an interesting ride, or well... I hope a lot of them, because I liked it a lot and first times are always weird, and less enjoyable than the next ones, and it was already satisfying.

I wasn't expecting thee guy to have a drawer of toys, and I loved that, I feel like opening up with him I ways I haven't fully done, he looks trustworthy, I hope I'm not wrong.

The lesson is to know yourself and what you like, don't pretend to please someone else, it's not helping the sex talk about your likes and dislikes, sex would be amazing.

Feeling broken

As a permanent state of mind

It is hard to find energy to do everything every day and that is ok 🌿

Tell that a lot, because it's true, even if most people don't understand.

Most people don't know how it is to be fighting inside, to not be able to shut up your brain, to have it there talking to you, showing you things all the time, bringing memories to live as much as possible.

I'll love to say that I have talked about this whit a therapist, but. I haven't, I've been treating myself with the things I found useful, like this, writing.

It helped me a lot to meet the person I love. He gave me the strength and the basics to start my fight, to feel like I can do much more than I believe, in a way having someone that I felt was believing in me was that extra mile I needed.

But even he doesn't understand, he treats me like I can shut things out, like he did, but those where his decisions not mine and our stories are different, they don't have to end the same, I hope I don't have to give up on my family, I love them way to much.

I want him to understand that I can't just let things go, my brain doesn't let me and I fight those feelings every day, it's hard enough to fight how I feel about the past to, on top, feel ashamed because I feel that still. (I already told him this and he understood, so if you are in a situation like this, talk things through, if it doesn't work don't worry, you weren't born together and there will be someone that gets you for who you are 💙)

And my best friend who has worst symptoms than me... I feel like she doesn't fully appreciate how similar our conditions are in some ways... Sha talks about not having energy but she doesn't really care if I do, she comes with things like "we should heve this" and I k ow it means I should get us the thing, and I can do it, but I feel like sometimes she's not caring about my health as much as I do about hers... It's hard

I love my time alone

With time I got to love being by myself and that is amazing

When I see a happy scene in a movie I cry

I feel like I've never been or will be like that

I'm done with people telling me that I'm not enough, that I can't, that there is no way I can do things...

Im done with my family members that underestimate me and tell me that I can't get where I want.

It's not fair that even if I'm asking in a good way they don't listen, they judge and decide if I can or not without even teaching me what I'm asking for.

I got this far and I've made everything I wanted possible, so I'm done.

I've been living without some people and I'm not dying because of that, I was born alone and I'll die the same way.

It's hard when it's family tho, they have expectations and they put them on me but it looks like I'm not capable of doing what I want if it means that they need to teach me.

It looks like if I didn't want to learn how to do things at 12 then at 27 I can't ask to learn because he already tried to teach me before. What a jerkhe can be.

I've always forgive him, I don't feel like that anymore, I lost my other grandpa long ago and the one I have treats me like shit if I'm not doing what he wants and when he wants, and it's sad that he gets to me and breaks me in like 10 minutes, I fell broken, sad and lost, it all comes back and no one gets it.

They all think that I can't handle one conversation or one comment, not one of them takes it seriously or sees that I'm fighting every second to keep the past in the past.

For them I'm angry all the time, but it's not like that, it just comes back to me every time and I have to send it back again.

I fight my brain and it never sush.

Is it ptds? Is it depression? What is it?

I need them to realize how much they hurt me with their opinions and comments.

It is killing me slowly.

They underestimate my problems, theirs are always worst, bigger and all that crap, I wonder if it would be easier to just let go my life and stop feeling, and then I have to fight those thoughts as well, it gets harder.

I call bullshit

Love is not always love

My grandfather treated my like I'm not even worth the effort.

My grandmother tells people that I can't even handle a comment, she complains constantly about my grandfather but if I do I'm wrong.

Her sister gets mad because I didn't let her see some stupid video and I didn't even know she was behind me.

And my mother don't even listen to me, for shit, everything I say comes through one ear and goes out the other one.

And I'm always the bad guy.

I'll love to see them live my life for a fucking day and fail. It doesn't matter how much I try they don't fucking see it and they don't really care.

Yesterday I said like 3 times that the most painful things are not physical and they didn't even blink.

That's not love, love is caring and understanding, not pretending to care and understand, they do not know what my life is,and every time I try to tell them I find blank walls.

And I'm here again, crying in a room I don't want to be in, and thinking I should be dead because it would be easier for everyone. I'll stop being such a burden and they could be happy.

They are only happy with me if I'm doing what they want and when they want.

And then...

...I found myself crying

Feelings filled me and I couldn't (mind note: it's the first time I have ever written in the first person while talking about this, I've always wrote in third person when I'm writing about me... Acknowledged) stop the teers dropping down my face, it felt weird. A piece of me (mind note, Jr. :D (mal chiste, me saco sola) I found a limit today, a place where saying no was perfectly fair, and it felt like the first time ever) crashed Inside, and it was just necessary.

Descovering those things just now was great... So now I don't feel like keep writing about it anymore, I feel a bit better and that's the hole point of doing this, to learn more about a situation, a thought, about someone or something in order to heal, to get better.

I hope I could explain the situation better but it's better not to, hope the best for everyone!

Buenos humos 🔥 🍁

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