Odin -

Baby boy, you are IT.
The reason the sun & moon rise, like clockwork.
The reason the oceans and mountains exist.
The reason there was ever a heartbeat inside of my chest.
The reason I chose to stay for so long.
The reason I was granted the time.
I learned self discipline for you.
I learned patience.
I found my strength and purpose.
I learned resilience.
I learned some sort of sacrifice.
I learned how to put my ego to the side and allow myself to love someone, something.
I learned to leave my comfort zone and try the things that scare me.
I learned that I am worthy of good things, and I am good.
I learned that there’s definitely some type of God out there.
I learned that I’d give my ALL for you each and every time I’d have to.
You are the sweetest, most beautiful eyed boy in the world.
You are brave and patient.
You are helpful and kind.
You are true to yourself and I absolutely adore that.
I love that you know what you like and are brave enough to be yourself in your comfort zone.
I want you to feel the softness of the world with an open heart.
I want you to be aware that the world is unfair, but it’s not absolutely against you specifically.
I want you to give everyone a chance to show you who they are with open eyes and soul. Always be eager to learn something new.
Keep your patience and openness, but don’t let anyone play you like a fool.
You are the sweetest soul that I have ever met in my life.
You are a gift.
You can do anything that your soul desires.
You are worthy of love, compassion, long lasting relationships, self love, and whatever you need in your life.
I will always be here with you , for you.
I will always be in your corner.
I will always be on your boat.
I will protect you for all of eternity.

You are my entire soul.
I love you Odin Storm Harris ❤️

An open letter to my rapist

You stole my childhood before I even knew what it was
You took advantage of the chaos I was already facing at home
Why did you do it? Why’d you take my tiny body and taint it? What could a six year old possibly have done to provoke such behavior in a twenty something year old motherfucker?
For years I felt dirty, I knew I was unloved, I knew my body wasn’t my own
I knew family wasn’t “family”
I always wondered what that special “first time” was like for normal people, untouched and not traumatized before the pants even come off
I wondered if I’d ever stop crying and apologizing relentlessly because I CHOSE to lay down with someone and I wasn’t terrified and I wasn’t unloved

I wonder often how God could grant someone like you children. How God could let someone like you enjoy basic human necessities, go places, sit in park parking lots
I wonder how I’ve faced you a handful of times and didn’t absolutely lose my shit

I wonder if you’re not too inbred to remember what you’ve done to multiple girls;
Children
Humans
Without their consent
I wonder what your wife has endured
I wonder how you have a wife
I pray for your children, and their future children

Mental Health —

Talking about it

I’ve struggled with mental health for all of my life… I’ve also always been pretty open about my past and current state.
This makes people uncomfortable.
Growing up in an unstable, makeshift home will mold you into quite the person- whether you like it or not.
I decided at a young age to think for myself.
I wanted to be the opposite of what I’d seen thus far.
I wanted to be a better person than the ones I was given to mold myself out of.
The house was full, 5 kids and some fucked up people calling the shots - “parents .”
We were blended pretty early.
Mine and my older sister’s dad left us to drugs, crime, and overdose.
We were basically left for dead either way.

Randall didn’t feel any remorse snatching us up and taking how the bitter world treated him out on us, only the two of us because we weren’t his children.
Our mom got it pretty bad too, but she chose to take that part out on me mostly, her second born.
I guess it was easy because I was submissive, medicated, and tiny for my age.

I blamed God for allowing us to live like that.
For nobody coming to save us.
I prayed to get out of there, somehow- some way.
I prayed to die.
Any fucking way out.

I got out of most of that at sixteen years old.

I am grateful for my strength out of all of that.
I’m not who I was raised by.
I am not cold towards the world.

❤️

Stuck between:

Wanting more and Having enough

I want more:
I want to stretch my legs, on a big back porch without a bad view in sight, a cup of coffee in clutch.
I want weekend dinners, a kitchen full of laughter, and memories to take to the grave.
I want cozy nights in front of a fireplace, a book in my hands and her head in my lap.
I want to plant a garden with my own hands and put a bathtub in the middle of it, just because I can.
I have enough:
I have a kid that thinks I hung the moon.
I have clothes, shoes, and a heartbeat.
I have the work ethic of a man feeding a house of eight.
I have a soul, and I’d probably help you find yours if you needed it.
I have a good head on my shoulders, I love the unloved, and I do not enable the people around me.
I care about people more than I even cross their minds.
I am resilient, I am brave, and I am focused.

An open letter to Drew

I’ve prayed for us to be in different places by now… to learn new tricks… to see new shit
I’ve held onto hope that you’d wake up one day & things would just click
That you’d wonder about Odin hard enough to reach out... that you’d realize that you’ve already missed out on so much
I’m hoping for you to use your head more than your heart or whatever you’ve been using this far
People’s opinions of you do not matter, if you’re doing the right thing

I coulda seen us going somewhere.
I coulda seen that ring staying on my finger if we didn’t butt heads constantly.
If we were focused on the same paths.
If we both wanted better things.
If we both wanted the kid.
If we both had no other choice.

So many firsts without each other.
So many lasts with each other.

I will always love you because we were at the right place at the right time for me to be gifted with Odin. Whether you’re there or not. Whether you want him or not. Whether you comprehend things or not.

I’m grabbing life by the balls ,

and I don’t care who is watching

You’ve missed out on so much

you would have been blessed to have been involved any

To the woman who carried me in her womb…

To the dad I never had ,

I’d like to think someone out there has always been watching out for me , walking around out there with big dick energy , willing to fuck around and kill for me 🖤
Someone with a strong back and hands; carrying the world, starting from within.
Teaching me what to expect in a man,
how to toss a quarter and predict where it’ll land..
Somebody fancy that didn’t make me so antsy..
A more dependable parent to call - someone with real feelings and solutions, someone not living in delusion

OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE