Hello love ♡ —

Please be calm when you read this. This is my heartfelt apology letter to you. It contains genuine and deep feelings which I can tell you here. It is a bit embarrassing because of how I acted yesterday. But I hope you read this on a positive note. This letter is not for creating another argument or misunderstandings. It is a heartfelt letter of my apology and what I feel. Please be kind.

Hello babi,

I hope you're doing well and being productive out there. I hope na hindi ka nagsisinungaling na you're okay — literally okay mentally, emotionally and physically.

I'm sorry that I confronted you based on my suspicion and occurring thoughts. The reason why I asked you is that I sincerely want to know kung sino and papaano mo nakilala yung thread/instagram user na I saw upon scrolling your accounts. I sincerely want to know your relationship with her if she's your friend way way back or mutuals. Another reason kaya natanong ko din, because you didn't mention her before. And I felt slightly bothered with that certain user after I saw her there sa thread account mo. I saw her nung afternoon yesterday after you've created your thread account. For the whole time, I'm contemplating if it is okay to ask you, even tho I know myself na hindi tayo okay.

If I were to explain yung naramdaman ko nung unang nakita ko siya in your thread account, I'm super curious like ‘who's she? kakilala ba ni Alex to? bakit hindi ko alam, meron ba akong nalagpasan may hindi ba ako narinig from her chika’. After mapeek yung curiosity ko by that unexpected follower, I've momentarily go to your Instagram account to check if one of your followers mo yung specific user (sa thread) and yes na-confirm ko na follower mo siya, but you're not following her. Medyo gumaan pakiramdam ko kasi maybe follower mo lang and hindi mo kakilala, but it turns wildly nung chineck ko nung madaling araw yung thread app ko, and upon scrolling napunta ako sa post mo and I've checked again your account doon and yes, I saw na you've followed her back sa thread app. When I freshly saw that, my thoughts were getting louder from the back of my head. I felt insecure, curious and bothered at the same time kaya I stalked her in threads, Facebook and Instagram app, and checked if there are some hints na naging mutuals kayo because I do not have any idea pa so I overthinked about this. And maybe naging factor din siya kaya nag-overthink ako ng sobra and hindi ko na controlled which leads to na nasaktan ko sarili ko.

I've thought it over and over if I should ask you or not, but I know myself na I felt bothered talaga. And as you can see sa convo natin, you have received 4 unsent messages from me before ko naitanong kung sino yung person. That's how I've contemplated nung early hours. I'm scared na you'll be mad at me for stalking your account and hers, and would tell me na I'm the one who is making my own nightmares because of my overthinking. I've tried to pick up all of my courage and be brave in asking you. I've asked you politely ‘I wanna ask kung sino si Jean Regazpi, parang you never mentioned her before’. I've also told you politely na‘I am slightly bothered sa nakita ko ngayon’and ‘I am a little bit anxious’. After sending these messages to you, I've tried to calm my heart, my mind and just hope for your replies. I am hoping na it would clear my mind and all of the occurring thoughts I had that time.

Yesterday morning, hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos because my head is still ringing, hoping for your response. I'm thankful because you've replied naman saying it's your schoolmate and hindi mo nakakausap yon — I've waited pa ng ilang minutes if you have an explanation regarding doon kasi I've told you din in the first na I'm bothered. We've replied naman both in a calm way where I'm telling na I'm bothered with this girl and ano nakita ko upon scrolling and you've replied naman but yung pag-uusap natin nag escalates to something I didn't expect lalo na sa nakuha ko na response from you after you questioned me anong meron doon sa girl and I sincerely explained why I am bothered and insecure. I've messaged you that I felt insecure kasi mas pretty siya, mas sexy siya, fan ni blythe, kakilala mo din, etc.

And, I'm really not okay with how you've responded or reacted to my messages after that. If I could tell you the feeling of that pain when I received your replies na ‘oh ano gagawin ko doon’, choice of words na pinili mo and sa style nung pag-reply mo na parang it's my fault that I became insecure. I became more insecure and mas nag-overthink ako after that — kasi yung expected ko na reaction from you is opposite. I thought you would be kinder to me.

I've stalked you not because sa wala akong tiwala sayo. May tiwala ako sayo buong-buo, it was just that I felt bothered by something or someone, kaya I asked you. Is it a bad thing to ask ba? to assure myself na there's nothing between you two? to assure na we're good?

I'm really sad and hurt for how you've reacted and sa mga nasabi mo sa akin when I honestly told you that I had stalked you and someone because I'm bothered and uncomfortable with the girl. Also, I can't deny the fact na nasaktan din ako for what you have said to me when I ask you about reassurance. Honestly, hindi ko naman need ng mahabang habang message telling me maganda ako or something like that. Ang expected message that I want to receive from you that time when I asked you about reassurance is your sincere answer na ‘Hindi totoo yung naiisip mo, I'm sorry if you feel bothered sa nakita mo, this specific user na you're telling me about is not close with me and wala kaming something. I'm sorry if I can't give you assurance na ineexpect mo I don't have the energy ngayon to give it. But I hope you trust me na there's nothing between me and yung specific user’. This is not about criticizing ano gagawin mo or dapat eto ginawa mo, but I'm here to tell you na there are many ways na mas kinder approach to this type of situation. That was just an example of a kinder approach. But it doesn't mean na I'm telling you what to do or not. It is based on pa din sayo.

I'm not angry at you at all. Kung galit ako, I will never ask about your opinion or explanation. Nagtanong ako sayo because I trust you so much, I don't want to fully maniwala sa sinasabi ng utak ko sa sinasabi ng guts ko. Because I trust you. I'm just bothered and insecure kaya natanong ko kasi gusto ko malaman gusto ko ma-clear mind ko na there's nothing talaga na need ikabahala.

I would understand naman yung situation na baka problemado ka, you're having a bad day or week, pero wag yung sobra naman yung pagiging mean mo sa akin na I felt small sa mga sinabi mo. I recognized na kasalanan ko bakit ko pa inistalk, dapat hindi ko nalang siya inistalk so hindi ako maiinsecure and hindi ako mabobother, pero normal naman ata na icheck ko because I'm curious and I'm also your partner — I wanna know because I'm not familiar about her and you've never mentioned her before and I didn't saw her sa followers mo dati. There would be times na I'll ask you about this kind of stuff, but I want to let you know that my purpose kaya nalapit ako sayo regarding dito kasi I feel bothered or uncomfortable, pero it doesn't mean na you have to erase or deactivate your social media accounts. I'm here to ask you for clarification of your relationship with this and that; and I was hoping for a kinder approach from you.

If you would ask me ano pwede gawin doon para mawala insecurity or thoughts ko, I would totally say na you'll unfollow her. Pero I'm not that kind of person na magdedecide agad. I would still respect your decision if you follow her or not. I just need a simple clarification and assurance. If it really really bothers me, doon papasok yung request ko na kung pwede mo siya i-unfollow. I want to let you know na you have all of my trust, Alex. I hope you know and I hope you remind yourself na I'm trusting and will continue trusting you wholeheartedly.

I would like to apologize if I stalked you and her. I'm sorry if these actions of mine bothered you also. It is NOT because I don't have trust in you. I just literally felt scared about the idea because you're replying sa akin ng minimal, unti. I'm scared na you might be doing something behind my back. I'm really scared because I don't want to experience ever again na I felt worthless and replaceable. I don't want to experience that kind of pain from you and I don't want to let you experience that kind of pain from me, too; kasi you are the one who made me feel loved when nararamdaman kong hindi ako kamahal-mahal; you are the one who made me feel na I'm being cared lalo na kapag may sakit ako – you're not angry at me kasi nagkasakit ako magjojoke ka pa regarding sa situation ko kahit nacovid na ako; you are the one who made me seen and heard, you see me as a human who has emotions and decisions, you listened to me everytime na may rants ako or may chika ako or kapag bored ako or kapag may new multiplayer game; and you are the only one who made me feel alive when there are times na I am crying my eyeballs out and times when I just want to end my life. You are much the one who made me wake up in the morning and have a great start for a day. You were always there when I needed a helping hand. You are pretty much my kind of person na madami ako natutunan sa life; you taught me different things, dahil sayo nakakain ako ng bawal sa akin tapos nalaman ko di naman pala ako mamamatay doon.

Alex, babi, you are an important person in my life sa simula palang. I'm thankful grateful and sincerely happy for letting me in your life. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry for how I've acted here. I'm really sorry for doubting you. I'm really sorry din na naging panget yung approach ko sa pag-ask sayo. I am really scared that time even tho haka haka palang siya ng isip ko. I eventually recognized na mali ko din yung pag-stalk ko. I'm sorry , hindi ko na to uulitin again.

And para hindi na magkaroon ng ganito na situation, the best solution I could give to myself is if ever na may mag-bother na something sa akin regarding sa security ng relationship (if tama term ko ha for assurances), sayo na ako dididretso agad, hindi na ako magchecheck ng accounts. It also applies to you. You can always ask me directly if may something nagbobother sayo.

I'm still learning to control my thoughts and also sa pagsasalita when nasa heat ng conversation but I promise na I will be better for you, okay? I'll be more sensitive sa mga sasabihin ko. Hindi ako magdodoubt sayo and blabber things na hindi naman totoo sa different situations (lalo na kapag late ka magreply or may nakita lang ako na kakaiba huhu). Can you promise me also na we'll be kinder to each other kasi nakakaiyak talaga kapag nagiging mean ka huhu not a bad thing kaso nanlalambot ako huhu

If you have any problems to share or suddenly you're feeling blue, I hope you can share it with me, I'll listen to it wholeheartedly. I won't judge you for that. I will always be here.

I'm sorry talaga sobrang sobra. I'm at fault here. I'm sorry talagaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ng sobra.

Yung apology letter ko for Tuesday I'll send it tomorrow night. Madami need ayusin about doon huhu.