ALPHA

24 years of being Audacious

A mother to be.
Unapologetically confident to reflect what Gods instilled in me. Thankful and humbled by others who embody compassion and wisdom.
At 23, God decided he would plant a seed in me to become a mother. On my 24th birthday, being Quarantined I was blessed with being able to have my last months pregnant resting, and preparing. As if time stopped for my child and I. I had the time for prayer, and the time to plan. With the luxury and blessing of security from my wonderful job because God is in control.
I learned to embrace the moment of the day, and not dwell on the past that didn’t last nor the future that hasn’t arrived. God has a specific timing for us all, and each day we unravel a new part of ourselves depending on our thought process throughout that day.
I am blessed that my child will have both his parents to raise him United. Four grandparents healthy and vibrant awaiting his arrival. At 24, I thank God for blessing me with the gift of life.
My self identity will never be in a job, my talents, family, nor the gift of me being a mother. My constant self identity, is who I am as a person in the eyes of God, and the way that I project my love to others.
For that, 2020 the year I’m 24 I am ready to embrace all my blessings, and use them to bless others. To lead my son by example.

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Aries Energy

I didn’t give you the gift of life, but life gave me the gift of you.

While I’ll never see a reflection of my own eyes in you, I’ll see something within you just as powerful. A reflection of my complete & unstoppable love for you. TEAM ARIES ♈️ my rose 🌹. #foreveroneofmybestgifts

I didn’t rush to meet you, because I knew when I did it would be a commitment to both you and your daddy. I wasn’t like other women who were trying to be acquainted with you to win daddies heart. I met you genuinely, respectfully, and lovingly. One of life’s surprises is that
we share our birthdays days apart. The characteristics of being an “Aries” really reflect and bind us together. Whether it’s the impatient moments, stubborn will, or protective heart to those we love most.
I know your mainly surrounded by boys within your family. However I promised you as the Princess of the home, your baby brother will grow to be loving to you. He is apart of your daddy and apart of me. He will love to paint with you, the way I do or draw with you the way daddy does.
Our “playing kitchen” won’t stop it has just begun. I will show you by example what love is by how I treat you, treat your daddy, and treat your baby brother. You will know how to create expectations, and boundaries to be respected that embody your worth by how I set up mine, and how your daddy out of love reacts accordingly naturally. We will never be perfect, but we never display disrespect towards each other, as you will learn that one of the biggest acts of love begins with respect. Disagreements can always be handled with care.
Your eyes are to see the beauty of unity and possibilities of a United home. Your brother will be raised to love you, protect you, and be a life long friend.
My parents, treat you just as the Princess you are and they both love you no differently. They will continue to provide another branch of love, and example of what family is. When you became my family, they became yours. My mom will continue loving to teach you “ballerina dances” and my father won’t mind teaching you how to play video games so you can beat your daddy.
I share my life with you, as your father has shared your life with me.

Customized Mickey Ears

Woman Codes to abide by

“ Your self respect gotta be stronger than your feelings at all times.”

Move with strategy rather than emotion. See with reality, and not with vulnerability. The Love you have for yourself is something you never budge on. The relationships you lose from this mentality aren’t worth having, and you’ll see on your own that the ones that are worth obtaining will come back, because a love like that from a woman who teaches you how to love her, who rather be alone then accompanied by the wrong attention is worth the challenge. Another person of strong character will be able to respect those boundaries and better themselves to maintain any type of relationship with you.

Guard your heart as everything you do flows from it

Whether it’s friendships or relations, anything that touches your heart in a negative aspect will effect the way you act towards everyone and everything within your life. Don’t be impulsive, when you lose control ask God to make peace with your situation and allow you to see with open eyes

Be Aware of your Team that you chose for yourself

At times we can be clouded with emotion, or blinded by what’s “blood” or years of friendship. However in any and every relationship it’s no news to anyone that you’d have to carry the same amount of weight and it’s a constant give and take. Personally the healthiest relationships for me that I’d never cut off are the ones that have proven loyalty. Relationship wise it’s extended because it must remain consistent. You both have to be loyal to your goals as a team, with the same beliefs on how to achieve them.

More blessings more envy

The devil can use who ever is more accessible to touching your vulnerabilities. However the focus should not be on the plan your enemy has for you, because God will only allow it to run it’s course temporarily. Things from the devil are always temporary. Where as things from God are ever lasting. At times the devils tactics can even be used in your benefit. Sometimes the person he chose to use, ends up getting the Karma you were looking for them to receive because they naturally mess up their own lives. From my personal experience, when the enemy tried to touch an area of my life where I received loved for a moment it seemed absent, but then with that absence a realization came stronger than the one we had before. It took away the “what if’s” I had never experienced issues within that relation so the knowing of what that person would do to repair, reassure, and rebuild spoke for itself. Where as before I was uncertain.

16 hours of labor, 4 of them with you dilated impatiently waiting for my doctor to come. When you took your first breath and I heard you cry, I knew God himself breathed his air into your lungs. That God was in control, and had his angels surrounding you.

Then the first time I got the privilege of holding you, you latched on right away. From that moment I knew God made you for me. We were completely connected and in sync.

Your daddy? Completely mesmerized me with his attachment to you, the way he immediately catered to me and poured all his love into you all at once. Multi tasking my recovery, with your needs and doing it with happiness. I know you’ve turned on a light in him that I was waiting to see, that illuminated and highlighted all his good qualities into great ones. You never cry, only when you want milk and even when you cry sometimes your dad & I catch ourselves laughing it’s never a frustration. That’s when you know how deep the love is.

The hours you do wake up it hasn’t felt like “sleep deprivation “ especially with your daddy as my alternating team mate where we tag each other in. When each of us have our “turn” we look forward to it, I look forward to getting to grab you again. I know your daddy does to because that’s when I share you .

We both love you, and I’m ready for my life with you.

@book.of.eli_

Raising a King

First few moments with you How Quickly you’ve made me better.

There’s many opinions on what a good mom is. There’s many different perceptions on what “mom life is,” I have evolved into a person I didn’t know I’d be.

There was a point in time where I was to vain to picture myself “breastfeeding” I thought about how it could alter your body, and looked at it as a way to quickly deform it. But the minute I gave birth and the nurses put Eliaus on my chest my validation with myself came to be able to check off from a “mom checklist “ all the things I could do for my baby.

“Every drop, is a drop with love.” It didn’t feel like a task nor an obligation. It felt like I was needed, in a way no other person could fulfill. It gave me a responsibility and sense of pride that everything I eat would go to my baby. (Unfortunately at times that meant no wine) even after the 9 months. Apparently no raw sushi either which is saddening. However breastfeeding and even being a mom has taught me to focus on the bigger picture. All the other little things become irrelevant. My son and I have a bond, from him having life within me from me and it continues in moments like these.

Your child is you.
So luckily my baby is calm . Hyper at night, but in the best way. At only a month holding his head up on his own, trying his absolute hardest to talk, smiling and constantly kicking for me to grab him.

Being a mom made me soft where I was not before. Although it was a battle to balance on what exactly I wanted to be vulnerable about I’m proud because I will teach my son how to love and how to receive love.

A lesson that must be present is to be a leader in all things not a follower, to trust your instincts rather than follow any trend. To strive to be unique, because that brings power to ones self.

Ive always been extremely independent and considered myself Alpha, others around me have also lit up that characteristic about me and I magnified it , perfected it, and lived my life from the root of it. So to submit, and reform myself to “listen” to another being and come together with another half, replace some of my puzzle pieces with my spouse was a personal challenge. To trust someone’s judgment as much as I trust my own is difficult. Especially when it comes to what is now the most important part of my life. My sons life.

However Kevin’s mind set, my spouse; other half surprisingly shares so much in common with me. Which has made decision making for our son a breeze.

Looking forward into being a “boy mom” biggest conflict will be to not be Eliaus’s partner in crime.

To not cheer on risky choices, or impulsive decisions.

I’ll have to hide a laugh or two,
when he does something bad but cute.

My son, my best friend, blessed is the word to describe being your mom.

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Where it all began

Halloween

We met at your job, but where we really began to speak? Is you visiting me at mine. It began with you finding me, through social media. I guess my last name is pretty unique, so memorable. You definitely kept me in your mind.

Initially the first time I saw you, it was my friends birthday so we crossed paths. Yet due to the age difference and the fact that we were in separate long term relationships we just remained artsy friends.

Friends who could relate to each others passions. We barley spoke for years and when we did it was on general topics.

I believe that’s where we learned each others mind set, maturity level and didn’t realize but developed strong understanding and communication. (I’m not the best listener) but I’ve gotten better.

It later transitioned, when we were both available. In your words “who you knew you’d fall in love with” down fall? “Who could also possibly give you the biggest fear of your karma or hurting you.

“To good to be true,” in both our eyes.

What’s funny is, most my friends knew you as the “guy who drew me,” I hadn’t talked to you regularly, and I received a message with a picture of a portrait you drew of me. I was extremely flattered, and remembered to be very surprised. Flattered being your first portrait of any woman, and surprised to be thought of at the time.

I didn’t take it as a sign of admiration because of where we were at within our lives. We also never flirted, the age gap was still a big thing. Regardless, it’s a memory that’s never forgotten.

Where the seed was planted.

Once I turned 21, it’s as if the light bulb in your mind went off and thought “okay now is the perfect timing before she ventures off,” I knew this because that’s literally what happened and basically what I was told and shown. The chemistry, attraction, and what seemed to be suppressed feelings all revealed itself.

Any spontaneous adventure I planned you were down for, Orlando, the Keys Ultimate Fury Adventure, and yep the Bahamas. You caught me in my wildest phase of my life. I believe what caught you off guard is how I was all the good things your heart desired, the bad things your body craved, and strictly what your soul needed. I wasn’t bending on my personal morals and wants nor was I ever emotional. It wasn’t just the challenge that excited you, but all the “first times” I gave you. Apparently the first time you saying “I love you” first. Being the one to get attached.

Looking back, the fact that you’d visit me at my job, try to get to know my family and create a bond with my parents. All those were the right flags showing me you were serious. Our friendship was so backwards because I was all in as a man would be, but missing the womanly mentality. I think that did us good though, because it made you prove yourself every step of the way. Which is how I fell in love. You embraced my spontaneity in all ways, and opened my eyes to a new way of thinking.

Confirmation of love, not comfortability

Once we were together as every couple they get to a pit stop of where something makes or breaks them. Both Unfortunately and fortunately you met your match with me. Had a taste of your own medicine and didn’t really like the reflection of it. Loving me scared you, and me not being the reassuring, understanding, or nurturing woman pushed you away. However you later learned that dealing with that fear, was a better risk than living life with the absence of my love. I do admit, I learned to be all those missing puzzle pieces but not until I became pregnant and conscious of a new life, a new being.

This is something you always wanted, from me. I knew that me having my restrictions is what made you unsure about us to begin with. Yet once you saw it wasn’t a lack of love towards you, just responsibility towards myself is when we came to an understanding. God knew what he was doing when he gave us our baby boy. It didn’t fix any issues between us, when we reconciled that’s when we felt passionate, appreciative, and condemned for both our wrongs. Eliaus was the confirmation of it.

Sometimes absence says more than presence. You know what they say, “men usually learn what they want in absence” it allowed you to see I wouldn’t be part of your pattern or cycle from your previous behavioral history. Same with me, you definitely put your foot down for me to change. You were what I need, who I needed to be submissive. Yes, yes submissive in all ways.... most the time.

Present day

Eliaus was born. Our love was rebirthed. Here we are. Still bringing out best of each other .

Now knowing what the consequences of emptiness would feel like, and how we fulfill that for each other.

You’ve always shown me you’re all in with me, respected my boundaries and in return I’ve given my love to you. I’m not the softness personality wise, but I do have a touch of thoughtfulness And creativity with how I display my love that keeps you on your toes.

This year will be our best yet.

Fortunately for you, things never get boring between us because I always add the spice.
An intact energetic potential that storms out and dashes into the environment. Animal aggressivity, pioneering activities, ardent and concrete sensations, absolute spontaneity, no a priori; an instinctive and powerful, dynamic and audacious force that pours out lavishly, a urge to take action that can’t tolerate any delay or limitation.

Cheers to more years.

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