I am a 23 year old girl who is ready to start a new journey

I attract what I am - kind, genuine, happy person

I am not famous for anything, but that does not change the fact that I still love life, travel, food, and luxury.

Would you like to join me on this journey throughout life? The choice is yours (just kidding! I would love for you to be a part of my journey, so see you?)

I feel like it's too late for me to start this journey; however, when I think about it, it feels like magic that I can't get out of my head. So I have decided to embark on it right now.

Without expecting anything, I am simply proud of myself for pursuing what I love to do at this moment.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G56KSF5XD7DTK4ZKTPB0C9

Being a Middle Child

I am a middle child and although I am not the favorite child, I am the most free in my family.

Being a middle child can be a bit tricky. I find myself occupying the role of both an older sister and a younger sister simultaneously. However, what makes it enjoyable is the freedom I have to pursue my own passions without the constant attention given to my siblings.

Admittedly, I initially felt a tinge of bitterness towards the situation of not being the favored child. But as I matured, I learned to overcome and navigate through it. Now, I relish in being the most liberated individual in my family. I have the liberty to indulge in my own desires and explore my interests freely. Dining out with friends, impromptu adventures, and sleepovers are experiences that my siblings, who are not the middle child, cannot partake in as frequently.

Being a middle child grants you the privilege of the "freedom" card. Thus, being a middle child isn't as negative as it may seem... at least not for me.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

to my dearest soulmate

Hello, my soulmate

Hello. You may not be aware of this, but I often find myself consumed by thoughts of you. I wonder, do you ever think of me too?

You effortlessly occupy my mind, whether I'm engaged in activities or spending time with others.

You are the person I yearn to be with at all times. I crave your presence in my life. However, you seem distant, and I am not the type of person who wants to pursue you aggressively.

Well, I am simply here for you whenever you need me.

Perhaps I'll patiently remain here... at a distance.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G56KSF5XD7DTK4ZKTPB0C9

I miss

What people who knows me, don’t know about me

People who know me are aware that I portray myself as an unapologetic and independent individual who cares little about others, especially men. I always project the image of a strong and self-reliant woman who doesn't need a romantic relationship and is immune to emotional vulnerability.

However, here's the surprising truth, baby: I am not as unaffected as I pretend to be. What's worse is that I find it incredibly embarrassing. Even discussing it would mean acknowledging my "feelings," which I refuse to do. I am determined to resist this reality with every fiber of my being.

I'm still entangled in the notion that he is merely my friend. I prefer to perceive our connection solely through the lens of friendship. The very idea of acknowledging an "us" is cringeworthy to me.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

Not getting enough attention

How irritating is that?

When the person you have feelings for appears to be giving their attention to someone else while you feel neglected.

People assume we are closer because we spend more time together and perhaps communicate more frequently, but his behavior on social media tells a different story. I don't receive the same level of support from him as he gives to this other person.

Yes, I admit it, I feel jealous. Why wouldn't I?

Why don't we have the same level of interaction? Why doesn't he react to my posts like he does to others'? Why am I always the one initiating conversations and checking up on him? Why does he feel comfortable engaging with other people's posts but not mine?

Did he genuinely like me, or am I simply irritating him?

Whatever. I certainly don't deserve to be treated like this.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

Me Raising Me

Raising myself, because who would?

To condense the long and dramatic story, I find myself as the middle child, which means I am not the favored one. My sister holds the position of being my grandmother's favorite and the preferred one among my father's side of the family, while my brother enjoys the favoritism of my mother's side. As for me, well, I'm somewhere in between; both families love me, but it feels somewhat incomplete, you know what I mean?

It's as if they like me, but not to the same extent, hence the notion of it being "halfly."

Growing up, I believed life to be unfair, which led me to become an angry child. People tended to be wary of me, not seeking favors or treating me the way they would my sister. Most individuals hesitated to engage with me because they didn't know how to approach me.

This made me feel different in a negative way. However, as I matured, I came to realize that being different is not inherently negative. In fact, it empowered me to become a resilient individual.

I don't have to depend on others because I can rely on myself. There's no need to prove myself to anyone because, frankly, who cares? I'm unconcerned if they become upset with me or disapprove of my actions because I am not living for their validation; I am living for myself.

I love who I am now, and I love myself. I don't require someone else's love because I have my own. That's the only love I truly need.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

Being a sadgirl

I am a sadgirl but I have to keep it to myself

I suppose this is just how life operates. It has been this way from the very beginning. I can vividly recall tearful nights where I cried myself to sleep, feeling unwanted and unliked. I often find myself surrounded by people, yet still feeling alone.

It seems that people have a penchant for misinterpreting my intentions. Regardless of my efforts, even the smallest acts go unrecognized. In my own modest way, I strive to improve things.

I wash my own dishes to lighten the load for my grandmother. When hunger strikes, I cook for myself because I can. I even sacrifice my own nourishment to ensure there is enough food for the dogs and other people in the house.

You may be thinking, "Oh, you're only doing that for yourself, not for them."

No, I do these things out of basic decency. Yet, in return, they have the audacity to be disrespectful in my presence.

I acknowledge that I may be overly sensitive about this matter, and it fills me with a swirling anger. However, I cannot share these emotions because it would only paint me as the villain once again. Meanwhile, the true malevolent individuals are their favorites and themselves.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

when 23 strikes

Is being 23 really tough?

I'm not sure if being 23 is genuinely tough or if it's just my emotional state due to my period, but I can't shake this overwhelming sadness and feeling of being down.

Another email arrived, rejecting my application. I had hoped for something different, and I was optimistic about it, but all I received was rejection.

I believe I just read one of the most devastating things I've ever come across. The email stated that there is no suitable position for me in that company. I know I might be exaggerating my emotions once again, but seriously? Can't I even qualify for a data entry role? I feel utterly useless.

I thought that by turning 23, I would be able to make a change. I tried to alter my habits, spending less time watching movies and series. However, I find myself falling back into the same cycle. I need to break free from this cycle, or else it will continue to drain the life out of me.

It's sucking the life out of me.

I miss those moments when I had a sense of purpose, those exhilarating experiences.

Repeating the same tasks over and over again is exhausting.

It has been almost two years now. Please help me escape from this situation. Please.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

When you don’t know what you are supposed to do

So this is how it is…

This is the reality when you find yourself lost, unsure of what you're meant to do. I've been contemplating and attempting to find answers, but I keep falling back into this pit. My life feels stagnant, devoid of purpose. I vacillate between feeling nothing and feeling overwhelmed, pressuring myself and stressing about the direction of my life.

I envision my dream life, but somehow I lack the knowledge of how and when to begin.

There's a void within me. I don't experience love from a significant other, and I'm uncertain about what steps to take or what my purpose is. Some people may say, "Life doesn't need to have a purpose; it's about simply living." BUT IT'S FAR MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT!

I no longer know if I should persist and keep trying, despite the absence of visible progress, or if I should allow the world to unfold while I am...

I'm at a loss for words. Describing what I feel is challenging. It's like having an idea but being unable to execute it. I'm stuck...

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

Talking about burnout

I might have burnout

I believe I might be grappling with burnout. Over the past few days, I've noticed that I take frequent naps and find myself falling asleep more often. Initially, I dismissed it as laziness, but after watching a video about burnout, I realized that I might be experiencing it.

I've always been labeled as lazy by my family, but these recent days have taken my laziness to another level. I find myself napping even after just waking up, eating, and napping again. Yes, you read that correctly—I take a nap after having just taken a nap.

I've become overly sensitive and emotional, feeling the urge to cry all the time.

Moreover, I've grown to detest socializing. When I receive texts and messages from others, I find myself unwilling to respond. I have a strong aversion to prolonged conversations and have lost interest in the lives of others.

Each day, my enthusiasm for everything diminishes further.

Previously, I used to derive immense enjoyment from various activities such as watching videos, series, movies, reading books, and listening to music. However, as time passes, I find it increasingly challenging to find satisfaction in these activities.

It's a lonely feeling, yet I don't feel inclined to reach out to others. I find myself tired even when I haven't exerted much effort, and I yearn to do something, but exhaustion sets in easily.

This overwhelming sensation is crippling, and I'm unsure about what I'm supposed to do next.

https://www.clickasnap.com/209d15d4-f857-41ad-8b99-9806df44741f/photo/01H1G5VGFDP5Y57XRX3FB4MBYV

I am ready to let go

Let it go

I am ready to let go of you and the idea of you and me. I am ready to free the space you took in my head, and I am ready to let go of my thoughts about you.

I realized that I am the only one who thinks about us while you are happy thinking about anything else, that is ok. I respect that.

I love that you are happy and I also need to be happy too, even if it means not with you.

I love you, and I love for this love to be as friends.

So dear, let’s us be friends.

External link

I can smell you

I can smell the scent of the place that reminds me of you

I can smell you does this mean you think of me too?

I know you are not. I can smell your car, I know I am not supposed to since I just told myself I will let go of you yesterday. But now, I keep smelling your car.

My brain is reminding me of the scent that reminds me of you. Why?

I can tell this is just a me problem. Maybe moving on is a real pain in the ass. Well, good thing this is not official, this is not a real break up because there’s no romantic relationship between us.

I can mope alone, and be sad alone.

Thank God, I kept this to myself. I can move on quietly and peacefully.

I remembered you because of the smell or maybe I am not ready forget about you all along.

Even my brain and my nose is resisting to forget you. Ugh I want to hate myself but part of me is happy that you are still in my system.

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unsparkle

getting rid of the sparkle

I need to write about this because I always think about you. What did you do to me? Every night before I fall asleep I think about you. I know this is so gross and overdramatic, honestly, even for me too.

Why can’t I just have my beauty rest without me thinking about you (ew this ain’t some Katy Perry song story).

I remember everything, those moments and memories, I know you have probably don’t remember, yet here I am remembering it over and over again (how redundant is that). By this time you should have thought I forgot about it. NO. My brain won’t let me forget you. My brain still insist that you and me had a “sparkle”. But, that’s just my brain and probably my heart talking, not yours… Not you…

I don’t know about you, how do you really feel? let me know please. So I know when to turn off the “sparkle” my brain dreamt of, insisted of.

Finally, to turn off my feelings towards you.

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am I your favorite?

You act like I’m your favorite

Being someone’s favorite is so nice. For someone whose never been the favorite person, it made me feel appreciated when you act like I was your favorite.

My place was always next to you, we always have to share everything specially food. You always want my food and whatever I’m drinking.

Our thoughts are in sync, we were in sync.

You always makes me feel good. Every time I go home after spending a day with you I feel 100 times better.

You always make me feel like I am your favorite person when we are together. That’s what I feel about you too. You are my favorite person.

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“start of something new”

Transformation

I know that when you are in a situation wherein you don’t what to do, you feel lost, you don’t know what you want and you tend to question yourself a lot.

I too have experienced that, I feel like I am losing hope. For the longest time i’m questioning myself if there still a chance for me, or how i’ll get through this.

But now with a single miracle, I feel different. I felt like I was transforming, specially now. It is not as big as you think.

Miracles comes in different sizes. Wether it’s big or not, how it made you feel, how it impacted your life is what matters.

So continue hoping, and be appreciative with little things. It is what made me through that dark days, “live a little” they say.

Everyday is an opportunity to dream, to create, to do what you love. You will be happy, trust that.

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Getting better

Im getting better at it

I’ve been observing and the distance between us is growing. It’s ok i’m getting used to it.

I still miss you all the time. I still miss you so much but I have come to learn to detach myself to you.

I am getting better at it.

You know what, I am proud of myself for that. I feel like I am a big girl now and I can do anything, even if that means without you.

I still dream of us that someday we might go to places together, we would eat together, hang out together, travel together. But if this stay as dreams then I have no control of that.

To “someday.”

External link

About

Tell the world what you’re made of

#1 Me Goal

Past:
In the past years of my life, I have had no goals or a goal at all. I just follow what my parent’s goals are for me or what the society is expecting from me. I think I did a great job following because I grew up with a “good girl” personality. They say it is bad to have a boyfriend, so I did not have a boyfriend. They say a girl should not drink, smoke and get high, I did not do all those things. They say a girl should focus on their studies and graduate, I did that. I passed, and graduated without a goal. What I was thinking at that time was to give to my parents what they expected from me and follow what society made me believe was right.

All throughout I never think about what to do with my life at all. So when I graduate I have no idea what I am supposed to do. For two years my life was stagnant. I kept searching and searching about that one thing I love to do. And yet in every corner I always end up demotivated, disinterested about everything.

This is the feeling I felt for the whole two years of my life after graduation. I tried working, then I will end up giving up after staying there not longer than a month. It was easy for me to give up because it was not something I am even interested in.

I tried and tried, but there was nothing. Still nothing.

Future
So I’ve tried working for real, but this time I survived the whole month. My family was so relieved. They thought I would easily give up again. But, I am still here now.

What good thing this work brought for me was the realization of my one true goal. Something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life, something I would work hard for, something I would do everyday, something I would love to be an expert.

Since before I knew it, I have loved the media. It was my escape for me, it was my home. I love to read books, watch movies and films, I love social media, I love creative stuff, and I love to write. All these things circulate in the media.

I love the freedom to express who you truly are using these different platforms. I could see myself there, not anywhere else. Fashion, Travel, Luxury, it calls me. These combined with media, is such a dream job for me. I don’t think it is a job anymore if everyday I got to make creative, bold things. And I got to decide everything.

Present
What I would for now, is to hone my talents. Because as amazing as it is, I have no idea where and how to start. I have no place to use and practice my skills. So I decided I would write everyday, on my own. I would read magazines, editorials, and follow the right people to enhance my skills at least this year. I may not have the proper way of learning these things but at least I got to experiment on my own, and got to try just about everything.

One thing is for sure, I should not waste this year. Unlike the years I spent thinking about what my goal is.

I have a goal now, and my goal is not narrow. It’s full of life, just like how it gave me life when I realized it.

I have no idea about the future, but I have my ideas now. It’s time for me to start.

I just did it now.

#2
Moments from my Dahilayan trip

One of the most memorable moments in my Dahilayan trip was when I slipped on the bamboo raft. But before I talk about that, I should talk about how I ended up being there.

So, last year my friend asked me to go on a trip, but I declined because I actually don’t want to go. However one day she asked me again, but this time she told me that her mom wanted me to come. Of course I can’t decline when a mother is involved.

First we went to Saranggani, one of the places here in the Philippines with nice beaches. That was also a nice trip, but that is not the trip we are talking about right now.

Going back, because of miscommunication, cancellations and all. We have an extra trip from another travel agency. That was what we used to go to Dahilayan.

Before our trip to Dahilayan, my friends’ mother kept on reminding me what to bring, she kept on reminding me about the trip and updating me, so of course I didn’t forget anything.

Me, My friend, her brother, and mother (Tita) went to Dahilayan.

With Tita being there, the trip went well. Although we kept on taking pictures ANYWHERE.

There was a tree, take a picture. There was signage, and we took a picture. There was a window, we took a picture. Not to mention we have to take pictures of the restaurants, with the view, with a structure. She said to the tour guide to take a picture of us with this big building, it doesn’t matter if we are clear on the picture.

There was also this time during the trip, she wanted me to take a picture of the place where there was a signage “Forest Park” in the background. Of course I refused because it was a really touristy thing to do, but she insisted that I took a picture with it. So yeah I really did take a picture with it. As I said, I cannot refuse a mother.

There were a lot of rides there, yet we were only able to ride the rainbow slide. It was fun though.

There was also a vintage themed restaurant there. With old style gasoline station, vintage cars, pictures of icons like Beatles hanging on the wall and other vintage things designed in it.

After that, we went to Lake Apo. That was where I slipped. Because we have to jump to get on the raft. Anton assisted me before I jumped, he held my hand and all I had to do was hump really. But instead my shoes slipped to the point I nearly knelt in front of Anton. Good thing he was there and again assisted me to stand up. I wanted to laugh hard because it was ridiculous. However, according to Tita there might be elements there that we will disturb if we talk loudly. So yeah, I tried to keep my laugh to myself.

Lesson learned, I am so clumsy I cannot be trusted with active stuff like that and I suck at jumping.

Overall, the trip was fun.

#3
What I hate about myself

What I hate about myself is that I can’t seem to chill. I am always seeking new things, different things. I cannot for the love of me focus on the things I am supposed to be doing.

I have work right now and all I can think of are my dreams. It bothers the hell out of me that I am not doing what I love to do. I kept on telling people about this but all they say is not the right words, not the right thing I expected to hear, it just does not feel right.

I am here trying to understand what they were trying to say, and I understand it. They are right, but I don't feel right at all.

I feel like crying thinking about it. I see these things, these people doing what I love to do while I ask myself why am I still here? Why am I not doing that? Why do I feel heartbroken? Why does my heart feel sad? Why do I feel sad?

I don’t know, I really don’t know.

#4
How do I feel?

It is ok to check on yourself too right? or is it just me. The more I check on people the more I check on myself.

All I could think of right now is my dream life, and places that I am supposed to be right now. But here I am feeling dreadful. I don’t know why, but my heart is aching.

I’m preparing to go to work but I decided I need to lay down and sleep a little. Being at work is the most dreadful eight hours of life.

I keep thinking about my dream job right now, when will it begin? I am ready for it now.

All I could do was talk about and right about it. When will I ever start to do it? Because I AM READY FOR IT NOW!

#5
Lazy days

Days like lazy days are wanting to not do anything at all. These are also the kind of days that make me think about the fact that I need to find a job that would motivate me to do something or motivate me to act on my dreams. But I am still looking for it.

Whenever I think about my current job it just makes me want to stop doing anything at all. I don’t know if it exhausts me and my brain, which is bad because why do I feel like this?

I should feel better right?

I don’t know I don’t understand myself yet again.

#6

Unhealthy relationship with food

Since I started my “diet” I have tried different kinds of ways to lose weight. What I stick to is Intermittent fasting because I was seeing results from the past four months I am doing this. I lost about seven kilos of weight right now. I started with 63 and I am down to 56 now.

These past few days, maybe because of my work and my body is still adjusting to my new routine which is 11 PM to 8 AM I am feeling ill. I have different eating habits, I have no “gana”, and when I eat I feel like throwing up after. It seems like my body is rejecting food all of a sudden.

I have to push myself to eat something. I end up eating a small portion of food. Which helps me fuel myself for the next eight hours. Sometimes when I feel hungry I will not eat too much because I am scared I might throw up. I cannot for the love of me throw up specially during work hours.

I am still not sure how I am going to fix this. But it is bothering me that I am experiencing something like this. Yes, my goal is to be skinny this year but I don’t have to be unhealthy throughout the process.

#7

Work Problems

Of course I have to talk about my work problems. I have to let this out or else I’ll go insane. Thinking about the complexity of my work and how I suck at it. It is so stressful going to work you know you’re not good at and you can’t tell people about it because they will always say “you can do it” and it seems like you have no choice but to just go for it even if it doesn’t feel right.

They say that after a few months or years you’ll get used to it. “Uncomfortable.” They say it is good that you are facing your fears. “Uncomfortable.” They say it is good that you are going out of your comfort zone. “Uncomfortable.” I feel uncomfortable when people say that, because it feels like I have no choice but to accept my situation. Can’t I change it? Is there any other way? Does it have to be like this? Do I have to just accept it?

I don’t know, my feeling is telling me something I cannot pinpoint. I will have to talk about this more in the future but for now, this is it.

#8

What keeps me same, What keeps me going

Aside from my family and friends and all the people I love, let’s talk about what keeps me and you alive.

For me what keeps me feeling alive is places, my dream to be in places… I just don’t know how to achieve this dream of mine.

#9

Another day, another delusional story. So my mom and sister went to a car place yesterday where they met a guy. According to them He is handsome, but I really don’t trust their judgment when it comes to that because they have a questionable taste in men. But ok, let’s give them a chance, let’s say that man is really good looking, is this a sign?

#10

scenarios I made up in my head

Scenario number 1

#11

I still have a lot to improve
I am in China right now for a scholarship that I got accepted accidentally. I think this is not just an accident really, maybe a coincidence? A chance? A redirection? I don’t exactly know what to call it but it has been like a week that I have met these people – My classmates that could pass as my professors, and all I can think of is that I have so much to improve in myself.

I know this is a great time for me to expand my network and they say it is a great opportunity to make new connections, but I just can’t. My body refuses to participate in socializing too much with these people, you know why? Because they are talking about relevant subjects and here I am not knowing a single social issue, which they were expecting me to know because I work in a government office and I am a graduate of mass communications and also because I am young. Compared to Tracy, who is so intelligent and so aware of what is going on in the world I look so stupid. Well, I am aware of that so It does not hurt that much.

When I said my body does not want to participate, she really just doesn’t. I am always quiet that some people feel awkward talking to me, some try to make conversation with me and of course what do you think I do? Yes, stand there and be mmunicate to them the right way.

quiet.

#12

I just did not realize how amazing my life is right now. I can be anywhere in the world but I am in China, for a scholarship that is only for educated and professionals around the world. Here I am, a very normal girl, with not so many achievements, not academically bright present here right now. I just can’t

#13

I dreamt about you, I wonder why. I have been missing you these past few days and then you came into my dreams last night. Ew, that was so cheesy, but really why? Why do I feel these sudden emotions towards you? I am not thinking about you these past few weeks and suddenly you're back in my consciousness, why? Of course, because I think of anything in a dreamy way, I thought maybe you were thinking of me too. That was a nice thought in my head.

The dream was so strange, I saw you in the place that we both just went to. We were actually shocked to see each other there. Just like how shocked I was to see you in my dreams, you were also shocked to see me there. That was so funny and strange at the same time. You asked me what I did the last time I visited the place, we were talking in a pool and I was sitting at this rock looking thing in the middle of the pool that can be rotated. I was so shy to look at you and I was insecure because in that dream I was not able to shave. So I was trying to hide my leg hairs from you, so you won't notice it. You did not mind though, you kept asking me questions.

In that dream we were happily conversing with each other. That was a nice dream with you in it. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams. I miss you, but I won’t tell you.

#14

Atik

Fine, I do not know how to handle Tracy. She is one of the people that I just can’t vibe with. I can’t understand why. Sorry Trace, you are in this paper because I don’t know what to think anymore. Like how was I able to be close to the people around us but not you. We are here in China right now, we already shared a lot of things from technical problems, financial problems, starvation, and yet I still don’t get you sometimes. Sometimes you have a good vibe that I can vibe with but sometimes you just feel off and honestly, i’m getting tired of it. I would love to know how to bridge the gap. It is just so impossible that you are part of my life, and I can’t get fully comfortable with you, and I think you are not comfortable with me too. It only takes weeks for me to be comfortable with people I would love to hang out with but with you, it is taking so long. It concerns me because I am expecting that we are going to have misunderstandings because of this.

We are two different people, you are the over achiever kind of girl who just wants to do anything. I am a passive lowkey girl that does not do anything unless I am being told to do so.

Because of that big difference we may not be able to communicate better.

How come I am more comfortable talking to other young people than you? I know I am irresponsible asf maybe that is the reason you are getting annoyed at me? I am annoying, I know that and I told you already multiple times.

I don’t know, something is not working in this whole situation. If you need space I will give you space, and don’t talk to you as much if you don’t want to. If I get angry because of my irresponsibility and annoying attitude, I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know what is triggering you, if you could share it with me, I would appreciate it.

As of now, you can do all that extroverted life you have. If you need me around, just inform me.

# 15
Earlier, me and my friend was talking

External link

About —

Tell the world what you’re made of

What is worrying you?

I am worrying because I have a due paper tomorrow and I have not finish it yet because I cannot seem to write about it

This is the kind of time wherein I am panicking inside and yet I cannot do anything about it because I cannot start to do things for the love of me.

I know I can finish it today, but the time that I have to wait for me to start working on the thing that I am supposed to do is giving me anxiety.

Should I change place? I don’t think so because when it comes to writing, I could actually do my job. I cannot for some reason

I did everything already, but ideas don’t flow.

There is a possible scolding to me because of this

I have been waiting for me to start writing earlier but I cannot

I have talked about this already…

I know I AM LUCKY AND EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR ME!

So why am I worrying? If I cannot make it on time, then so be it ahahha who cares

People will think that my boss is incompetent, also they will think I am incompetent, and there’s a possibility that they will talk about this to people, who cares? Then I will not work for them hahaahah easy fix.

I have to start to do my stuff.

Someone informed me that it is already 5 and that I have to finish it hahahaha no girl I will not do that because even if I try my whole body will not listen, and my brain will not work, so you can wait there love until I finish this, in the time I want to finish it, also you can talk about this people and tell them how incompetent I am but they would always think you are the incompetent one, not other people. You can worry your ass there in your house love while I take my fine ass time doing this.

Ahh I miss having long conversations with people but everyone seems to have their own life going and also I don’t want to talk about myself so much. I want to brag about some stuff but too much about me makes me feel uncomfortable. People be asking questions to prove something or to use it against you and not really listening to what you are trying to tell them.

I am actually re-evaluating my life because I feel like I am doing something that is not for me however, I also believe that I am in the right place at the right time.

I am not sure, really.

Is it mercury retrograde that is making me lazy? Or that is why I cannot think? Or maybe this is just who I am.

There will be a lot of people that will be affected by my actions and I am aware of the steps that I should be doing or what I am supposed to be doing, seriously I still cannot do it.

Why is it hard for me, in this aspect, I really wonder why.

I catch myself stopping and thinking, still no idea coming into my brain about my work although there are a lot of ideas flowing about me, things to overthink. Why is that? Why is our brain built like that?

Also, Why cannot I write inside our office? What is up with that?

What is up with me, I cannot write when I feel like people are looking at me.

I am having a headache.

I just realized that what I thought was wrong.

I really feel like I am wasting my time here when I could be anywhere else…

Anyways on the marites side, I am wondering if the guys on the other table are dating because some reason I feel like I am being watched by the other guy or maybe he is just looking at my laptop? I don’t know and not my business, but also maybe they are friends and they are talking about life. Just like I am talking about life by myself and typing it on my laptop, like having a real conversation instead of really talking to somebody about what I really thought because I don’t want to talk about myself too much.

So am I too much?

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appreciate

You

One thing that really made me appreciate that one person is that of all the people, he was the one I was not expecting to handle me so well. I don't know if it was a coincidence or if he really knew what he was saying but I really felt at ease with his words. Yeah I know we don’t need validations from other people but have you tried to share something and you did not tell people about it because I have, and his words were really comforting.

Every time I share my thoughts and ideas, it feels unheard or they don't agree with me. Worse, people like to make you feel bad for thinking like that, thinking differently.

So yeah I was thankful for that boy for telling me the right words, and for letting me hear the words I wanted to hear, I needed to hear. I am just a little sad. I cannot hear those words, I miss those little conversations wherein I feel heard and feel that I am right, or what I feel is right.

He really set the bar high, he was just a friend. I just knew him, but when I look for a man, I always remember him. If the people I meet cannot reach that standard he introduced to me, I don’t want it.

I want to say thank you, because I felt that, I felt safe sharing. That really warmed my heart.

It sucks that the person I am talking about is living far away and I cannot even talk to him. It sucks, we are living two worlds apart. Sucks that I cannot even reach the person I met who can handle me.

So long.

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OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE