My journals  —

Inside my mind

The truth is I’m not the greatest writer. I’ve always had problems with grammar and punctuation. It’s okay you can talk shit about how horrible my grammar etc is and correct me later lol. The thing is I really enjoy writing. For me writing is a way to let go of all the bottled up emotions and thoughts that are burning inside me. I thought it was time to share the mind of a person who’s going through anxiety and depression. A lot of people don’t understand that anxiety and depression are very real and serious mental disorders. How will people understand something that they can’t feel , touch , or even smell. When someone’s physically hurt you can see it and touch it and even smell the wound. The problem with anxiety and depression is that this kinda disorder can not be seen. It’s battle that many people fight everyday and no one can see it. I just wanted to share a couple of things I wrote in my journal when I wasn’t okay. Maybe by sharing I can make a few people understand how much pain a person that has a mental disorder/ or illness is actually in. Trust me, I wish we were making this up! Anyways journals coming soon... still trying to figure out how to navigate this thing.

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May 14 , 2020  —

Depression

Today I want to end what my mother began, my life. I feel so much anger inside. I want to ripe the skin of my bones and feed them to the ground. I’m sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. Someone please pull me out. I’ve gone so deep my finger tips are poking out of my grave. I can feel the cool air hitting my finger tips.I let my self go. I feel nothing and the nothingness consumes me.

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March 8 , 2019 —

Anxiety

Sometimes I feel like I’m not even there. Like I’m some energy. An energy with out a body. As if I’m something but not flesh. Then I look in the mirror and I look at my self and say “oh there I am I really am flesh, those really are my arms and my legs and my face”...wow this is my hair? “. I’m really this person but am I a person? What am I ? How did I get here. I can feel so deeply and hurt so easily. Why ? We’re we all built this way ? What ever we are, Is this really my flesh and blood ? And i think to my self ...if it is why am so ugly ! But when I step away from the mirror I lose interest in the flesh and I start thinking about my energy or should I call it a soul. Am I good person ? I mean I know I’m not perfect. I’m crazy. I’m jealous. I’m obsessive. I’m weird. I’m funny. I’m smart. I’m shy. I’m weak. I’m strong.I’m controlling. I’m loyal. I like the truth. I’m female? Is that what I really am female ? Or were some souls just built more compassionate them others. Maybe there is no such thing as gender and maybe our bodies are just a host & our energy/ soul is the real us. Idk but I’m a thinker. I can think and think for hours on end. Sometimes thinking to much makes me sick. I want to learn the truth about the universe about our god or should I say the higher energy , the all knowing. The god of the universe. Apart of me likes to break my head about it but other likes the idea of not knowing.

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09/03/20 —

Flying with anxiety ...

Omg so today I have to fly to California. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone on an airplane. I’m sitting here in the lobby you know where you wait before giving you’re ticket to the nice lady that you see before entering the airplane. My hands are shaking. I’m actually thinking of calling my mom and not getting on this flight. Am I normal ? I wonder if other people with anxiety feel the same way. I know I’m gonna die on this flight. This plane isn’t going to land today. Well if I do die they say the impact is so strong you don’t feel a thing! Oh god oh god please don’t let me die today. I know I’ve said horrible things and I know I’ve done things I’m not proud of but I want to live. Oh yea i just remembered I got some pills from my therapist that should help me, but I’m scared to take them. What if they make me more anxious ? I said to my self just take the dam pills cess! So I did. ....... The pills kicked in ! Wow so this is what it’s like to be normal. This is what it feels like to relax.

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My Links

If you’re struggling with mental illness/ disorder please seek professional help.

https://nami.org/Get-Involved/Share-Your-Story
https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+help+online_b&utm_content=44136578075&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=b&utm_campaign=849308107&ad_type=text&adposition=&gclid=Cj0KCQjwkZiFBhD9ARIsAGxFX8Cvh2vv0tUdyTtCd6YVv0_bzGFFESDriuLGbg2jQSbBi8ksLbrkAboaAqAtEALw_wcB&not_found=1&gor=start-go
https://www.maketheconnection.net/conditions/suicide?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Search-MTC-SP&utm_content=suicide&gclid=Cj0KCQjwkZiFBhD9ARIsAGxFX8BLHIs6HAV7Oiyrciecl6FS9ITYVHQedpGKe-Z_SGCQHLVstENQeooaAjVbEALw_wcB
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255
OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE