unsent letters and proses

hello.

little message

hello, anne here. i created this site solely for someone i met online.

everything that i've written from 2019 until 2021 will be published here, especially those pieces i wrote while thinking about that person. writing about heartbreaks, break-ups, fairytale, and happy endings isn't my forte but it became easier when i have an inspiration inside my head.

but enough. it has been two years. tama na rin siguro kakasulat ng mga bagay na hindi naman mangyayari at mag-stay sa past kung puwede ka namang mag-move on. these writings are just another letters to burn. however, sayang naman kung sinulat ko ‘to pero hindi niya naman nabasa. so, kung binabasa mo 'to ngayon, ibig sabihin nagkaroon na ako ng courage para i-send 'to sa'yo.

i don't usually compile a lot of writings and then send it to a special someone kasi alam kong tatawanan nila ako habang binabasa 'yon. pero alam kong 'di ka gano'n haha. kung mali ako, sana i-keep mo na lang 'tong blog. you can completely ignore this after you read the whole or even the half of its content.

i just want to let you know that my 2019-2021 self never failed to think about you and our memories. i don't know how many times i deactivated and reactivated anne so that i can reminisce in those times. this is the proof: my writings full of foolishness with a pinch of grammatical errors. lol. please forgive my writing style as you swipe through the cards.

by the time you're reading this, i am ready to let you go (although i should have done that before, the same night we bid farewell). or maybe i'm doing something so that i can let you go for once and for all.

thank you, chase (or whoever you are). for once, thank you for making me feel that i can love and i can be loved despite who i am. i will always be grateful for that. take care always.

— a.c.

p.s.: i hope you won't share this to anyone. nakakahiya. HAHAHAHAHA. the contents are soooo cringeworthy. you either keep this blog (i'm not planning to delete this even in the future) or ignore this as well as my existence.

I.

“we can't go back.”

there isn't a single day that goes by that i didn't think about you nor miss you.

if i do, i find myself coming back to the place where we first met—that account of mine where our memories were stored. i always check first our saved conversation; it's a concrete memory that i have of how we started. how lovely it is that we started with "replied to your story" and not the cliche hi's or hello's. how wonderful it is that we managed to talk for months, knowing that i can't exceed sending five messages to others. i can even remember how i did a facepalm when you cracked a joke for the first time. however, seems like it was too hilarious for you that's why i laughed.

then, i'll start browsing the photos you sent me: random photos of cats that you probably saw somewhere on the internet. i love cats, while you don't because you said they're getting more attention from your mom than you do as her child. you hate them, but you're always talking about it because you know i love them.

i visit your timeline next just to know that the posts where i tagged you are still there. our small talks formed on the comment section never fails to make me laugh. those random things we mentioned out of the blue yet we both knew it has meanings to us. why does it feel like it only happened yesterday?

and i'll end up searching for something in our conversation: the shared i love you's. how would you feel if i told you that i never said the three magic words to anyone? the moment that i said i love you, i remember the feeling how my heart beats loudly and the butterflies flying inside my stomach. it even became louder when you said you love me too.

i'm missing these days—the period when i still have you, the months we spent talking, the time when we cared for each other. i miss the feeling of someone's waiting for me after a long exhausting day. i miss listening to your stories although i have no idea what to say after you told it. i miss praying to Jesus every night for being so grateful that He gave you. you're the nicest person i've met, thinking that i didn't deserve you after all the mistakes i've done in the past.

but it's all i can do, right? missing you. missing everything we had. to say the truth, it never crossed my mind that all of these will become a memory. all i know is that i'm spending time with someone i love.

and i guess, we can never go back.

i can only reminisce our memories and come back to the place where we all started, but not to you.

II.

“unsent letter”

remember when i said that i am grateful to have you? i mean it, and i am still until now. i'm not the kind of person who clasps their hand and whispers words through thin air, but i started doing it just to tell Him how fortunate i am because i have you. all my life, i've been waiting and wishing for someone to come, but i never thought he's going to give me an angel.

you became the light to my darkest days and a home for the times that i am seeking comfort. you're the words to all of my poetries and the bandage that heals my heart. you're the strength that fills me up at the end of exhausting days and the reason to believe in myself. you're that someone who means everyone; you're my everything.

there are times that i pinch myself just to know if you're real. you're too good to be true—what did i do to deserve you? all that i caused to people i've met were nothing but pain and burden, yet you were there still staying beside me—unmoved. no matter how many times you've seen the worst of me and witnessed the monster i've been hiding, you did nothing but kiss my forehead as the excruciating pain gradually fade.

remember when i said that i love you? i mean it. those three words and eight letters that i never said to anyone but you. those three words and eight letters that raced out of my heart just to escape from my lips. i can still remember how my heart beats loudly and my cheeks burning when you said you love me, too. it's the feeling that i want to feel over and over again.

i will always love you, my angel.

please be brave to hold my hand and never let go of it till eternity.

.

(sinulat ko 'to noong 2018. ise-send ko sana sa pasko kaso masyadong nakakahiya. i might creep you out, too, because of my words. sayang. haha.)

III.

“it's better this way, perhaps?”

if i were given thousands of options, i will pick you in a heartbeat.

i'll choose you. over and over again.

however, this time, i won't... because i can't.

i can't see you hurting anymore because of me. i don't want to see how hard you try to fight when things don't work for us. it's painful whenever we try to build this relationship but something will always come to ruin it.

maybe it's better
if we took different paths.

maybe it's better this way—
watching each other from afar,
so that we can no longer be hurt anymore.

IV.

“i wasn't in love.”

i'm not in love. well, at least i don't conclude that i am or i was.

maybe what i felt before was nothing but a mere infatuation. the first thing that a teenager feels when she had her first crush. the first promise that childhood friends make when they said they're going to marry each other once they reached the right age. the first girl who a little guy likes just because she's pretty. maybe what i felt isn't enough to fall in the 'love' category. maybe, it will be easy for me to carry on once you decided to leave out of my life.

it wasn't love. if you found someone new, it will be easy for me to find someone, too. you can just pick anyone from the girls who admire you to replace me, and so i am. i have a lot of suitors to pick from. we can continue our lives just like how it goes when we didn't meet each other.

it wasn't love. i am just deeply infatuated. when the right time comes, i'll get over you. you'll be one of those memories from my teenage years that i'm going to laugh at ten years from now. the notebook where i compiled all of my poems for you will be read by an adult version of me. the saved conversation of ours in my old phone will be kept by her.

after all, i have no idea what you look like, your voice, and even your name. i have nothing except for the pain you gave when you left.

i thought it would be easy for me to carry on and live a life that I deserve. what we had is just a shallow feeling and temporary connection, right? it won't hinder to the both of us.

but why, in every moment, in every struggle, and in every achievement of mine, i always remember you? even the thought of you replacing me kills me inside. i hope you get the happiness you deserve, but i wish it was me...

...although there's uncertainty that i am still deserving to be yours.

i wasn't in love—

maybe i was, and even i am until now.

V.

“i just thought he's you.”

billions of people in the world, thousands, hundreds, and although if there are only two people left, i will always remember you.

i have talked to a lot of people, and i can't help thinking that one of them is you. for how they talked to me is the same way with how you talked to me. for how they shared about their personal nothings is almost the same details with what you shared when we still have a communication.

i still remember all of that. you might not have known, you might think that i didn't pay attention, but every word you say lingered inside my heart.

when we separated, i met someone. he didn't talk to me, and so am i. he barely knows me, and so do i.

but why do I get this feeling that he's you—dressed up in a different name and vibe?

he's good at words. he's telling his own untold story through his works. instead of envy, why did i feel it was you and me? i can even hear your voice whispering his words right through my ear.

if he was you, i hope i'm wrong. if he was you, then why is there an ineffable feeling of relief when I learned he's also aching?

if i am right that he was truly you, is it selfishness for me to be happy that we're on the same page, since there is a chance for our once united hearts to become as one?

but before i delve myself into the deep ocean of hope composed by my assumptions, a strangely familiar voice said—

“if he's the one you're looking for, why would she still think about you? indeed, you gave him a memory to remember—a nuisance.”

it came from myself.

it hit me.

so bold of me to assume that his works were made for me, that his words are the unsaid thoughts you could have said when we were together—

but why it never crossed my mind that you're living your best life with someone, being held in their arms, and receiving the love you deserve that i never gave you?

VI.

“will you let me in?”

sometimes, it crossed my mind to come knocking on your heart's door for one last time.

i don't have anything to offer but myself and my willingness to make things right once again. i don't have any detailed plan but greet you with my sweetest hello like the first time we laid eyes on each other. i'll try to stop myself from hugging you even though i've been wanting to feel your warmth. this time, i'll be the one to fix everything. i'll be the one to ask for your forgiveness and another chance so that i can rebuild what has been broken. i'll be the one to assemble the shards of your heart in their right places and give it back to you, so that your hands wouldn't get wounded again for fixing them. i'll promise to hold on tighter than i could—tighter when you didn't let go of me when i am slipping away from you.

it always crosses my mind, you know? it keeps my hopes alive especially if i thought that it's going to be a success, yet it also fears me that what i've imagined is the complete opposite. maybe if i knocked on your door, i'll be greeted with a cold-eyed stare. maybe if you let me inside, i'll be given with the cold shoulder.

i've always imagined the situation in different ways. i'm standing right in front of you stuttering the words that i keep inside my head, while you're just staring at me and listening attentively, not missing any word that will only passed right through your ear. or maybe, i haven't said a single word yet you already want me to get out of your sight and never dare to appear again.

but you know what scares me the most?

if you let me in, i'll see that someone already took my place in your heart.

VII.

“i (don't) want to let you go.”

do i still love you or am i just falling in love with the memories? am i still missing you or is it the bliss that i felt when we're together?

there are days when i admitted that i only liked the idea of being in love when i had you. maybe i only liked how you cared and expressed your feelings because no one did that to me before. i've always seen myself as a rock, yet you told me that i am diamond in the rough. with little refinements, i can shine among the other gems.

but if that's the case—if i only liked you because of what you made me feel—why am i still here? i was left, still falling in love. i was young and naive, but i know the deep infatuation i felt when i was fifteen probably grew into love.

sometimes, i decided to stop writing about you. it will only turn into ashes, what's the point? you will never read a single word from what i wrote. i thought of rebuilding my walls again, but i'll find myself removing the bricks one by one just to peek if there's any traces of yours coming back to me. i thought of putting the remains of your memories on flames, but it'll end up being kept inside a box and gaining dust under my bed. i'd stopped relating you in every songs and poetries, but i feel like they're all written about me. there's a part of me that longs for healing and forgiveness, but there's also a part that aches to be drowned in sorrow and remorse.

i want to be whole again, but i'm willing to lose my pieces if it's for you. i'd stopped trying to bring you back, but in every shooting star, i wished that it's us who's truly destined when the right time comes.

i badly want to move forward but, in some reasons, i don't want to.

if i let you go, it'll feel like you left me twice.

VIII.

“blessing, fate, curse”

meeting you was a blessing.

our paths have crossed on the 29th of july, and i still cannot fathom why the universe did that. perhaps, she was bored that she decided to play the destiny of two complete strangers. i know that everything happens for a reason, but our rendezvous doesn't seem to make sense. that time, i thought you were a passerby who was meant to share a few words with me, and after that you can continue your journey. i traced no hints that you'll be the person who would become my firsts. i thought you were a stranger, but with your pure heart and genuine intentions, that's when i realized that the universe gave you to be my angel.

falling in love was a fate.

when we met, i was a broken girl who hides the shards of her heart through smiles and laughters. the deep wounds are still bleeding and the internal pain is excruciating—i considered it a triumph because you never noticed. i was broken and instead of tending the wounds myself, i craved for someone who will. and you were there. however, you did it without making me expose my wounds. you made me felt that i am loved. you told me that as if i'm the only person in the world. i became a fool for trying to reciprocate the love that you gave each day. i became a fool for thinking that everything we had was true. what i thought ‘love’ was just your mere act of kindness—i was so stupid and fragile to believe that it meant something.

and the rest was a curse.

i never regret the time i spent on you, and i won't take back the sappy notes that i gave because i've written them all for you. the sentimental moments that we both shared will forever be carved into the veins of my heart. even though you only became chapter, i won't get tired of reading you again and again until i memorize the words like the back of my hand. you're just a chapter, but i can write a book out of the memories we had.

now, if i have any regrets?

i should've not let myself fall in love with you like how icarus flew around the sun—too close, too much.

IX.

“can i have it back?”

you told me once that people will always come and go. that completes the cycle of pain and growth: no matter how many times we pray in every saints that ever existed in this world to make them stay, time will come and they'll turn into memories. we cannot do anything but wish them well once they already left. we cannot chase them on the road that they took because we have our own different roads to walk on. if that person had left an indelible mark within us, all we could do is wish for the heavens that our paths will cross. then, we'll meet them like seeing a stranger for the first time. if we're fortunate, we can start all over again.

people come and go, that's why we have to cherish every second and appreciate their presence as long as they're still here. we'll never know when they're going to change their minds. and i told you before—if that's the case, i don't want them. i don't need someone who'll find another home after they used my sanctuary. people come and go, and because of that i pushed everyone around although they're yet to touch a tip of my fingernail. i found comfort and peace in my solitude, but i must admit that i'm also longing for someone's shelter.

people will come to take a part of yours and never come back. you'll be left alone while there's an empty space within you, and you'll try to survive each day trying to ignore the pain.

and so, i quit the thought of having someone. before anyone can link their ties with me, i immediately cut it off.

but, you know what? i should've listened to you. i should've pulled you close instead of pushing you away. you should've seen that i can be a better person instead of showing the worst of me. i should've done every good things that you deserve before you decided to leave for once and for all.

but, hey, thank you for staying.

may i have the part of me that you took when you left?

X.

“does it still hurt?”

“does it still hurt?”

after watching a lot of movies, reading and rereading the books on my shelves, drowning myself as i listen to music in different genres, and discovering new hobbies and treat it as distractions, i asked myself—does it still hurt? i tried reaching for my heart if the wound still aches. and yes, it does.

i thought i already got rid of the hollow feeling within my chest, but even the empty space that was formed after you left is still waiting to be filled by only you. now, the list where i compiled my ‘what-ifs’ and ‘i wish’ was opened, and i find myself writing every questions and wishes inside it that will never be answered or granted. all of a sudden, i came back to the beginning—from square one. i thought i'm moving forward little by little, but the thought fooled me. the pain is still there. every time that i hear or read your name, i feel a pang in my heart as our memories flash at the back of my head. sometimes, i even hear your voice somewhere calling my name.

everything was fine until you crossed my mind. in another point of view, i see myself suppressing the noise of her cries under a pillow. i see myself hugging the crumpled blanket trying to hide her tear-stained face. i see myself enduring the excruciating pain every single night. the next day, she'll woke up with a smile on her face as if her sufferings didn't happen last night.

now, i'm thinking of ways to stop thinking about you, trying to survive my days without crying because of you, and living my life even though there will never be ‘you’.

if you're going to ask me, “does it still hurt?”

yes. it still and always will.

XI.

“if only i could.”

there are mornings that i wish i'll wake up to your messages again and daily reminders for me to avoid skipping meals. i miss our conversations although we're talking about the same topic every day until we say goodnight at twelve, but then i'll wake up at six just to read the message you sent at three telling me that you can't sleep. there are nights that i secretly stayed up late so that if ever it'll happen again, i'll call and get my guitar to sing our favorite secondhand serenade's or fm static's song. perhaps, with my terrible voice, you'll change your mind and go to bed. good thing, it never happened. you might've blame me if ever you had nightmares.

there are nights that i wish i'm spending my time with you just like the old times. talking to you right after i finished an exhausting school project or surviving through a rough day will always be the perfect rest for me. you'll crack lame and overused jokes and i'll be forced to laugh because it's you who said it. i'll complain about how tiring people are in real life, and you're willing to listen in every curse i'll drop.

there are proses, songs, and poetries that i wish i could share with you. expressing my feelings is where i'm bad at, i've said that before. whenever i try to say the truth, the words itself will screw my tongue and it'll end up saying the opposite of what i'll say. i've read a lot of literary works that perfectly fits my thoughts. if only i could share them with you, then you'll know what's in my heart. we'll never have fights just because i picked the wrong words to express myself. i wouldn't have left you in the cold because of petty misunderstandings that i caused.

it hurts so much to know that these will never happen again. a part of me is still missing you, and there's even a part of yours that has been etched somewhere that i could never erase even if i conceal the mark through the ashes of our burned memories.

a part of me is still missing you. maybe, my entire self does. or i'm really missing you so much but i'm afraid to admit that i hid what i truly felt with the word “maybe”. i want to ask if you already moved on, but i don't want to know the answer. if you already did, i hope this distant star that i'm looking right now will give me a sign. i want you to be happy, but i don't want to see it myself if it no longer includes me.

a part of me is still missing you, but i know we can't go back from the way we were. if only i could travel back in time and rewrite every words that i said, if only i didn't let my emotions dominate myself that night, if only i could undo the hasty decisions i made—

if only i could, but i can't anymore.

xii.

“thanks for trying.”

haven't i told you before? i'm not a frog that will turn into a charismatic princess through a lover's kiss. i'm not a beast that will become an enchanting lady if she found someone who loves her truly. darling, this isn't a fairytale. we're neither characters in shakespeare's theatre plays nor grimm's stories. we're mere humans played by fate that's why our paths have crossed. when we met, i didn't oblige you to bring out my vibrant side despite my cold façade. right from the start, you knew how ferocious i am, how cruel when i spit words, and how wicked when i treat people yet you still entered the ruins of my castle.

perhaps, you're just a child who got lost searching for his ball and you found it in front of my gate. perhaps, you've seen my neglected castle as your sanctuary from society. i've given you chances and stated reasons why you should leave, but you insisted that you'll live here—

with me.

i wondered why you entered. was it sincere or pity? was it love or curiosity? i am the wicked witch that was hated by people. in every fairytales, i was there ruining the perfect plot of an ideal love, but you stayed.

my wickedness is an illness, and you believed that your love is the cure. you've shown me how gorgeous the world is outside my castle, that there are still kind-hearted people who only have pure intentions just like you, that there's also kindness inside me but all i needed is love.

and you did. you loved me despite the wounds that i gave you, the pain i caused, the constant pushing you away from me, and the consistent rejections of love that you're offering. i remained to be a witch who does no mercy against people. you loved the worst of all the worst versions of myself.

i thought it will remain forever, but your heart got tired and i never changed. you finally came in your senses and escaped my castle amidst the roaring thunderstorms. i was there, peeking through the window as you ran away—you didn't look back; you never came back.

certainly, the time you spent with me was a nightmare. it was a tale that you narrated as a warning not to enter my castle. it was a bravery of yours because you endured to be here, yet you escaped alive. it will be a proof that someone out there tried to love me yet their efforts were in vain.

darling, haven't i mentioned that i never asked for it?i'm not a witch who will become into someone new if love and kindness struck her. i will always be a monster even if the curse wears off. an antagonist will always be an antagonist. your belief was wrong that i will be cured with that freaking “love”.

i didn't want someone to love me, but you insisted and tried.

but thanks for trying. i was left alone in my castle craving for that love you shown that i wasted.

xiii.

“what if it's the other way around?”

i've been waiting for you to come back, but what if it's the other way around?

as i stare through the setting sun and the different hues scattered above the sky, the thought occured me. maybe it's too impossible to think of, but what if you're the one who's waiting for me to say hello? what if you're in the other side of this river, throwing pebbles and wondering if we're in the same place? what if you're also thinking of me as much as i think of you?

what if you never forgot me at all?

so many what ifs yet i'm clueless what will i do if ever one of my questions are true. 

however, what if my mind is tricking me again? what if you're not actually waiting for me? maybe, we're in the same place but it's not me that you are waiting. you're with someone, enjoying the sunset view as you whisper to their ears the same promises and wishes that i wanted to tell you before. you finally found the happiness you deserve that i failed to give.

right. it can be. what made me think that you're still waiting for me? sounds stupid.

XIV

“someday.”

i am still waiting for that day, you know? the day when the universe will let our paths to cross again. maybe it will take years, but i'm sure it will be worth the wait. i might be in a bookstore browsing some books to read, while you're in one corner searching for some pens to buy. i might be sitting alone in the park, while you're somewhere in the place taking walks with your dog. i might be in the museum appreciating the paintings on the walls, while you were staring at the displayed artifacts restored centuries ago. i might look in a sea of strangers having no idea that one of them is you. you might bump to me someday, but you won't bother to look at me because you have to leave immediately.

someday, we will be at the same place, but we will never know it.

XV.

“a random ‘what if?’”

i know that i'm going to move on. it will take a lot of time, but i know that the day will come that i'm finally over you. those sleepless nights and empty days will never happen for i already accepted the fact that we will never be together. someday, i'm going to meet someone i'll love more than i did for you, someone's who's worth staying, and someone's who's worth fighting for in a battlefield called love. that even though i know i'll end up bruised and scarred in the end, i have no regrets because i did something in the name of love.

but what if i never met someone after you? what if you're the last person that was meant for me? what if i'll never have the chance to be happy because this heart of mine is still into you? what if i'll never find happiness because the pain will forever linger?

what if—all this time—you're the only one for me but i'm not the one for you?

XVI.

“so many things that i wish you knew.”

there are so many things that i wish you knew and words that i wanted to tell you. i wanted you to give an idea that there's someone out there who's struggling to sleep at night with things that should've said earlier before you left. someone's mind out there was bombarded with a lot of questions that was left unanswered. someone out there was also wishing for someday, their paths will cross again so that someone will have a chance to clarify things.

someone was dying to tell every word, question, and thoughts she has in her mind—me.

however, i wasn't that fortunate enough for my wish to happen, and i have no choice but keep it in myself. all i can do is scribble every unsaid words in a notebook, hopelessly hoping i could bump into you one day and give this—the witness of all of my thoughts about you. all I can do is write poetries and post it online, wishing you'll get to read and appreciate it. after all, they were all written for you. all i can do is to rewrite different versions of our story with different types of endings because it never ended—or should i say, it didn't have a clear ending because you left carrying a grudge and guilt, and I was left alone with agony and hatred.

there's not a single day that passed by without thinking of you. every day, i wanted to ask you the questions: how are you? are you doing good right now? do you still remember me?

does being hasty towards emotions and actions is a crime? because i am still imprisoned in the past with the memories of you.

please set me free.

XVII.

“thoughts. just thoughts.”

“what if she came back?”

“who?”

“the one that you're waiting for.”

“to be honest? i don't know.”

“why? you've been, like, writing stories and poems about that person. i've seen some of your journal entries that were written about him. even your recent created playlist was composed with songs that either makes you remember or speaks your feelings for her. i thought, considering those things, you already figured out what you want to say by now.”

“well, news flash, i haven't yet.”

“why? don't you want to be freed from your own thoughts? after all these years, i can see you're still hurting. the one that you're waiting for might already found their new happiness. she's probably in a new relationship where everything's moonlight and roses. don't you want to feel it, too?”

“i want to. god knows how much i want to. but it's not that easy, you know? there's always something that pulls me back every time i take a step towards moving forward. whenever i try to love other people, i can't because there's a part of me worrying what if everything's going to be temporary again? what if it's not going to work out? i don't think i can handle another wound if my previous wound is still bleeding.”

“but you're also hurting yourself if you're still stuck in the past.”

“what should i do, then? i can't move on. i tried.”

“you can't or you don't want to?”

“…”

“so, what if she came back? what if, sooner or later, you'll see her standing in front of you asking how you did after all these years?”

“then, i'm going to tell everything—the truth. my regrets, questions, imaginations, the things i should've said and done, the stories i should've shared, my side that she should've known—everything. even the journal, playlists, poems, and stories? i'll give it. after all, there's no reason for me to keep those.  if ever what you're saying already happened, i won't hesitate to grab the chance and confess. if that what it takes to give a peace on my mind, i'll do it in a heartbeat.”

“what are you waiting for, then? go and tell her. maybe—just maybe—this time, you'll be reunited again. another chance to fix what's broken and rebuild everything.”

“don't give me false hopes.”

“just ‘maybe’.”

“if that happens, i guess it's the time and our hearts can tell what we should do next.”