Nothing looks as good as being Healthy Feels
I can’t say I always had my shit together. I never made myself or my health a priority. For as long as I can remember I ate my sorrows away and chased it down with as much wine a body could handle. I was a functioning addict, addicted to food, wine, the wrong men. You name it I did anything to easy the pitty party in my head.
The fear of rejection or hate is a powerful fear that often has a far-reaching impact on our lives. Some people experience nerves when placing themselves in situations that could lead to rejection, but for some people , like me, the fear becomes crippling.
I was always the outcast, very few friends, weight was always an issue for as far back as I can remember which caused me to always be extremely self conscious and yearn to be what society considered perfect, skinny, blonde, blue eyes, POPULAR. Girlfriend right here was never going to be any of the above. Grammar school flowed into high school, high school into college where I seemed to unknowingly yearn for love and acceptance that I actually pushed away quite an amazing guy and rebounded into the arms of a rotten one.
Not going to deny I ate my misery away. 10years of eating, physical and verbal abuse, and three babies I received a call, my what I want to loosely call husband had an entire second family on the side. I knew, deep down I knew what woman doesn’t know? One yearning for acceptance that’s who !
I packed up my beautiful babies, found an amazing job and started rocking my new life. Until douche bag number 2 got his claws in me. Yearning yet again for someone to love me I compromised, let this man destroy the life I grew a set to build for my babies and I. Bam crushing blow number 2...lost an amazing career, the first home I purchased on my own, for what?? A man you told me he was desperate to have been involved with someone as fat and ugly as me.
Fast forward another 5 months, man number 3 who as most felt the need to tell me “loved his dime bag” more than he could ever love another soul entered the picture. I poured my soul into trying to fix him, but after nearly killing myself with anxiety and stress, Diagnosed with Lupus and so many Ulcers I was Hospitalized he took his life with yep you guessed it, the very dime bag that was more important. COMPLETE DEVASTATION
Out the door went every shred of self worth and confidence I would ever have. I have blindly walked through life silent, listening to the giggles, the bullies at work, yes adults bully, especially women in the industry I am in, this further scared me to put myself out there, scared to pursue any career moves, and burrows me in fear, utter hate for myself and compromising my needs to just exist for my family.
While latterly on the verge of ending it all In walks a precious Grand-baby, and at that instant, knowing that there is indeed more to life than misery, my Blessing From God that forced me to see that my choice to not care what the rest of the world thinks comes from Me! Will people laugh. YEP. But I choose to laugh with them. They will NOT however keep me down! I will be healthy. I will thrive in my goals, and I will start LIVING.. not just existing! I will no longer allow others to make me feel INFERIOR without my Consent. I will OVERCOME Fear I will OVERCOME self sabotage.
I will THRIVE