No one notices that I am trapped inside.
Screaming, yet no one hears.
I have lost all of my pride as I hide behind a smile for 19 years.
Everything around turns to grey , as color slowly fades away.
I stand there with a necklace made of rope,
Wondering if there will ever be hope.
Nobody knows and understands me.
I've never had anybody to talk to.
My mom was never here.
My dad was always working.
None of my friends, wanted to talk about my feelings.
Forever scarred.
Trust betrayed.
Emotions hurt.
Never to fade.

On this rainy day
I just want to cry
Not like some others
Who wish they would die

On this rainy day
Just want it to end
Die somehow I thought
He was a Godsend.

On this rainy day
I wish I could weep
And all my troubles
Could roll down my cheeks

On this rainy day
I just want the tears
And just to erase
All the past years

On this rainy day
My emotions scream
And boy do I wish
This was all a dream

On this rainy day
Want someone to hold
Someone who'll love me
Even when I'm old

On this rainy day
A painting's my heart
He graffitid it
And made it his art

On this rainy day
Breath seems like torture
A thing of unknown
Like a new culture

On this rainy day
I just want to cry
But oh pity me
My tear ducts are dry

On this rainy day
I just want to choke
On my wet tears, but
My tear ducts are broke

Some days I feel stagnant. Just here, standing in the middle of an open space. Not even knowing my purpose. Not even knowing what I want to do in my life. Slowly realizing that I've been out of the lane for a long time. Slowly seeing where my mishaps brought me. I feel like I'm still running in circles. Every day feels like just one day of my usual routine. I wake up. I eat. I take a bath. I spend my time using my phone. I watch the same series. I go to sleep. The next day, still the same stuff I've been doing for the past weeks.

Some days I feel like I don't care enough. Whatever happens, happens. I let everything flow even if it's not according to my plan. I don't even know what to do in my present time let alone for my future. They say your future depends on you, but what if there is no exact future you want to depend to? I know, sounds depressing. Just being honest, there are days I look forward to vibrant colors but also days I just settle for black and white.

Am I even progressing? Am I even trying or maybe, just lacking? Do I feel too much? Or too less? Or maybe I feel nothing at all? Am I even taking little steps or just walking in zigzags? Am I getting full of myself or am I becoming less and less motivated? See, not even I can answer these questions. Nineteen years of existence and I still don't feel acquainted with my soul.

Anyway, is there anyone who wants to sit with me and just drown ourselves with our own thoughts?

I find myself staring into the abyss, thinking of how am I really doing. I tell people that I am well, that I am not stressed and not having anxiety attacks. Maybe I'm just indenial. I don't know.

I know that I lost my spark— my sunshine.

It's not that I don't give energy to people these days because I don't get the same energy in return, it's just because I don't have thee energy to do so. I don't have the energy to greet my friends, to message them, and to ask how they are doing anymore. It's not that I chose to be in detox from social media, but because I'm drained to scroll, to type and to open messages.

It's not that I decided to go back to journaling, but because I'm trying to find my rainbow particles. I tried reading. I tried writing. I tried journaling. But none of them makes me feel alive for a day or two.

I know I need to rest. I know I'm not well. I know I just hide the fact and camouflage everything with a smile and try to encapsulate everything with a positive vibe...

But can you blame me? It's been a long time since I was stable and now I'm just trying to pretend that I am, again.

It's just that, whenever I try to take a rest, to take some time off from the reality, people around me point it out. As if they don't think I deserve it. As if I'm just wasting my time.

And maybe I'm just tired hearing them say “don't you say you're having anxiety attacks again?”

Is it wrong to feel this way? Does it make me less for being unstable?

How did I end up here?

It's been quite awhile since I started fighting this constant battle between staying as promised or leaving and having a little respect for myself.

The universe knew how abstruse it was for me, and yet no one warned me. Don't get me wrong, I never regretted giving the love I could; it's just unfair that I had to die while loving someone so genuinely.

How did I go from having deep conversations with God about him with my heart rejoicing to begging down on my knees with heart so tired from all the screams and cries just so He would let me out of the suffocating cage I once called home?

How did I go from asking God to make me the right person for him to begging Him to help me let myself let him go?

From the ecstatic feeling of being with him to fighting the strange feeling I don't ever want to face.

Did I force God too much to grant my selfish prayer? Or maybe it wasn't really an answered prayer; I just made myself believe it was.

How did we end up here? How did I end up here?

I guess I knew the answer all along: I was just too scared to admit that after finding the answers elsewhere, the exact answer is in me. I am the answer.

I made myself believe in things that are not real-things that are only real in my wishful thinking.

I was never the villain, but I guess in this chapter, I am.

I am the villain, unconsciously.

I am the villain in this fairytale of mine.