Sadza in the morning?
originally, this was supposed to be a podcast but i realized that i really don’t have the time or patience to be self conscious about my speech , you see ? so since i’m a writer (no , no i am not. i’m simply speaking it into existence) , the next best thing was well, a milkshake .
Alright, so normally , one would start by introducing themselves but i don’t want to be known by you. what i do want though , is to be heard , to have a release, to put it on paper so i won’t have to pull the trigger. Do you get me ? No , no , you probably don’t but will that stop me ? no again it won’t 😃🤍.
Anyways, hi , hey , hello … i’m Tads or as others would like to have it Tadz and this Lads and Ladies is the first episode (yes because like i said before initially this was supposed to be a podcast of sorts) Daily Mess with Tads!
So, this is the rebirth , not in the sense that i’m coming out as someone new. Actually this is a road back to where i was before. I feel like i lost myself. *silent grief. You know when you repaint or repair something it’s all in hopes to get it back to its original form ? So yes , this is that , my rebirth , we’re bringing me back 😂.
Daily Mess with Tads , will be my little corner to rant for the most part and share on all the interesting (very boring actually ) things that go on in my life and my thoughts on certain things. Oh not forgetting the rants , there will be many rants in this space. So yeah. Thank you guys for having me and for whoever clicked onto my website link , i love you a whole lot 🥺 to the moon right round and back.
NB : i didn’t grammar or spell check this forgive me.
asibonge 🤍 (kind regards)
The Monster You Made Me 🧍🏾
i’m so glad you could make it !
Who would have thought ?
Body so still, you’d think that I’d been frozen. I’ve covered myself in the simplest dress but it seems to have caught everyone’s attention. They’re all wearing designer, the finest of pearls, and the most suffocating fragrances are filling the room. I stand right at the center of the room, hoping that maybe if I don’t breathe he won’t notice that I’m there. Here I am, playing dead in a ballroom. My hair is cut to the shortest length ever known to black women, I’m in a room full of the most important people but I showed up bald. My spectacles seem to keep slipping off my nose because they’re too big. Finally, I find the courage to move. In my dress, I felt strong. In that lace and soft fabric, I felt my warrior self rise, as if the strength that had been there all along had finally blossomed. He finds me before I can make my way to my table. he holds my hand and drags me in such a possessive yet very safe manner to the dance floor. I don’t flinch, I don’t show that his actions have slightly moved me. I won’t crumble at the touch of a man’s hand. The villain offers his hand to me, I hesitate. He spins me around the room, my heart is pounding. Everyone in the room seems to disappear, it’s just him and i. I let my guard down, I’m feeling, everything and nothing, first bit by bit then within a moment, I feel all these emotions within me all at once with so much intensity. My breath is hitching, he pulls me closer, passion fills the air. There’s an explosion of energy between us, I try to fight back but his smile is so charming. Here I am, dancing with the enemy. As the music dies down, he whispers in my ear “I’m glad you could make it, my name is 2021”
Hie, hey, hello. It’s Tads. Here we are, here we are ( i really did scream this as I wrote it ) 31 December 2021 We made it .you made it. Who would have thought?
This year was definitely not the worst year of my life but it really was the hardest. it was full of a lot of panic attacks, multiple grounding exercises, many heartbreaks, so much stolen time, so many regrets but most of all many lessons. When the year started, I was a whole different person, 365 days later and you’d never recognize me if you saw me by the street corner. I made many friends that I’m grateful for this year. I broke up with some relatives because my mental peace is greater than any bond I could fight to keep. I got hurt by people that I thought loved me. I fell in love, I realised it was never love. I lost my best friend this year and that’s okay. I got pranked by a selfish cousin but healed from that. I was deeply infatuated by a guy who turned out gay. ( “ so save me before i fall “ - xxxtentaction). I watched my brother fight for his life on what was almost his death bed but still make it out alive, that had to be the most emotional and breaking thing I experienced this year. Those who know me have seen me wear one pendant and wondered why I've never taken it off, it’s cause I know it feels like, to feel like you’re going to lose the one person you care about so much . to cry every night and plead God saves him. To go a whole month seeing your twin fight for his life, to see him give up and the only thing you can hold onto is the one souvenir you got from them when they were still okay. to look at it and feel like a part of who they were is attached to this one pendant, to ask God why him, why not anyone else, why not me? (* breaks down in tears ) This year, I learnt not to trust, I learnt how to fight. I learnt not that everyone I do right will return the favour. i learnt that even family can turn their back on you. I made it through A level. I survived what I thought would break me. I forgot who I was. I fell off my bicycle multiple times but got back up each time. I opened a business. I participated in poetry events. I met people who are intimidated by my confidence. I met people who would sabotage my other relationships all in hopes to keep me around (💀 this is so weird but we’ll get into that some other day). I got to know my mother and sister more and grew to love them everyday.I lost my grandfather and it broke me. I danced with my enemies, I ate with them at the same tables, i had them over for tea parties. I read all my favourite books. I got left stranded by a friend I cared for deeply. I got called strong when all I ever wanted to do was breakdown. I was there for everyone but they were never there for me. I built walls , I shut down , I stopped caring . I was betrayed , I was hurt , I was loved when I couldn’t love back. I was rude , I was mean , I was distant , I was possessive . I resented , I became bitter. I hated humanity. I was unable to feel. I was never the same after a long time. All my demons greeted me as friends. there’s more, but I'll stop at that. I wonder what you were? if you’re like me, keep going soldier, we existed this year and that’s okay. 2022, we live , we heal, we grow , we forgive.
apologies for this being too long, i really don’t have much to say but I hope your 2022 treats you well. 2021 for me in a nutshell was like flying first class in a crashing plane.
Psalms 60:12 ~ with Gods help we will do mighty things, for he will trample down our foes
spelling and grammar errors will have to be forgiven , thank you
May your soul rest in place —
Me before you
“It NEEDS to be done !” I exclaim in my shortness of breath as I look down at the trembling body of my dear friend on the ground. The rain is getting heavier but neither one of us dares to move. We let the situation at hand consume both of us. We care not for the lighting that seems to be flashing in the distance and the winds that are carrying everything that dare come into the rain's path of destruction. I’m crying, not out of sadness but out of anger … I can barely stop my body from shaking and I know it’s not as a result of the cold rain and wind. It’s because of all the pent up aggression that I’ve kept in me for a long. I move the gun from pointing towards her and place it right by the side of my head. I don’t move my gaze off her; I continue to look at her with so much detest and resentment. how is it that she still doesn’t realize that she’s the reason that we’re in this situation ? as the last drop of tears leaves my eyes I give her one last glance, I whisper “ was it worth it ? was everything you did worth sacrificing everything we took so long to build? do you feel any better now that we’re here “. my eyes go void of all emotion, my heart stops pounding for what felt like an eternity, my shoulders rise, I wipe my face. Taking two steps forward, I point the gun back at her, with no second thoughts … I pull the trigger, throw the gun down beside her as she takes her last breath. I pull my hoody up and walk away. I look back one more time, my chest feeling a whole lot lighter and shout, “ May you be in heaven a full half-hour before the devil knows you're dead “
Hi, hey, hello. It’s me, Tadie. I’ve always wondered, why is it we hold onto the people and things that don’t add value to our lives? why is it we fight so hard to keep what doesn’t want to be kept? why is it people walk away after a thousand red flags and not at the first one? at what point do you draw the line and say enough is enough?
imagine this, you’re sick and you just came from your aunt’s tombstone unveiling. oh, not only that your business just made a huge loss and you have the worst tension headache, you’re really fighting to stay sane but someone decides… this might just be the right time to prank her. Something to learn in this life would have to be the ability to read the room quickly before you push people to their limits. Friends cross certain boundaries of humour and expect you to sit around with them and laugh at it as if the pain you’re already carrying is not enough. The lesson to learn in this life is to know when to let go of people that always need to be right. I never understood why people moved the way they do but then I learnt that don’t wait on an explanation to gain closure. They’ll tell you that you’re doing too much then a few moments later it’s about how you don’t do enough. You can’t please everyone and that’s okay. Where you feel a relationship or friendship has become too texting don’t be afraid to lay it to rest. Bury it and let the sleeping dog lies. Yes, it might hurt but know that it’s better that it hurts now and heals later than to stay where you feel unappreciated and taken advantage of because of your kindness. My message to you today is that don’t be afraid to pull the trigger on situations that no longer serve your best interests at heart. I pray you don’t let people hurt you all because you care about them. love isn’t a good enough reason to allow yourself to be spat, kicked and bruised for. I pray that you find the strength to heal from all the situations that left you broken even when they are oblivious to the damage they would have done.
that’s about it, maybe it made sense, maybe it didn’t, I don’t know. thank you for reading my digital diary that gives all the information to absolutely nothing.
1 Peter 5 vs 8 ~ be sober-minded, be watchful. your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
(spellings and grammar are just a concept )
until next time,