Ah, I just love the whooshing sound that deadlines make as they fly by.
All this time, I thought I wanted a job. Turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.
An evolutionary mass of atoms whose sole instinct is survival.
Avoid following the masses blindly. Every so often, the “m” in “masses” is silent.
Bacon would probably cost less if we could slice it with lasers.
Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly? Ah, that goes all the way to the bone!
Can’t seem to recall where I stole this bio from or why.
Certified meat eater!
Chocolate never asks questions. Chocolate understands.
Don’t call me crazy! I prefer the term mentally hilarious.
Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a ninja.
Even the Joker is jealous of my smile.
Ever since my parents told me not to talk to strangers, I haven’t talked to myself.
Every butt, big or small, is special. Learn to love each and every one of them.
Everyone has me figured out, which makes it super easy for me.
Extremely passionate about not starving to death.
Guilty as charged! My hotness caused global warming.
Here to steer clear of my family and friends on Facebook.
How much does a hippie weigh? An Instagram!
I desperately need two six-month vacations this year.
I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.
I put the “elation” in “public relations.”
I put the “hot” in “psychotic.”
I just want to jump out of the window and land on a huge pile of dessert.
If you’re going to be stupid, at least be entertaining.
Keeping secrets is totally easy for me. However, this ain’t the case for the people I tell them to.
Life is too short to be updating Instagram bios.
Living proof that nobody is perfect.
Long story short, humanity is good for a laugh, if nothing else.
Meh is the new normal.
Memes were my thing even before they existed on Instagram.
My constant craving for desserts is becoming worrisome.
My favorite extreme sport is avoiding people.
Of course I talk to myself! Where else would I get professional advice?
Okay, I’m pretty sure this isn’t my home planet.
Real life me isn’t any less ridiculous...in case you weren’t wondering.
Sarcasm connoisseur.
Sausage puns are the wurst!
Saying no to alcohol is a daily routine for me. It never listens though!
Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with both of my eyes closed.
So what if I can’t sing? I’ll sing anyway.
Super cali swagilistic hella dopeness!
The Earth’s rotation really makes my day.
There will be no adulting today.
This will be my last Instagram bio ever.
Too rad to be sad.
Wait, where am I? And how in the world did I get here?
Weirdness is a proven side effect of awesomeness.
When I tried the 30-day weight lost diet, I lost 30 days!
When you’re just too socially awkward for real life, Instagram welcomes you with open arms.
Who said I’m funny? I’m actually very mean, but everyone thinks I’m just kidding.
You drink too much and gossip too much. Let’s be friends.

desperate_enuf

3. herpes_free_since_03

4. kiss-my-axe

5. king_0f_dairy_queen

6. dildo_swaggins

7. shaquille_oatmeal

8. ask_yo_girl_about_me

9. hanging_with_my_gnomies

10. big_mamas_house

11. hugs_for_drugs

12. bill_nye_the_russian_spy

13. hoosier_daddy

14. intelligent_zombie

15. hugo_balls

16. stinky_pinky

17. fast_and_the_curious

18. bad_karma

19. tea_baggins

20. average_student

21. protect_ya_neck

22. sloppy_wet

23. matthew_high_damage

24. imma_rage_quit

25. xbox_sign_out

26. magic_fetus

27. butt_smasher

28. mama_karma

29. google_was_my_idea

30. i_was_a_mistake

31. sold_mom_for_rp

32. dusty_bawls

33. zero_deaths

34. better_than_you

35. do_not_leave_me

36. date_me

37. uncommon_name

38. name_not_important

39. image_not_uploaded

40. i_boop_ur_nose

41. unfriend_now

42. im_watching_you

43. whos_ur_buddha

44. cute_as_ducks

45. prince_charming

46. godfather_part_4

47. oprah_wind_fury

48. google_me_now

49. thot_patrol

50. suck_my_popsicle

51. my_name_is_in_use

52. pig_benis

53. i_love_my_mommy

54. period_blood

55. heisenberg_blue

56. ben_dover

57. ass_ass_in

Some days start better than others.”
“Today I will be as useless as the ‘g’ in lasagna.”
“Life is like a box of chocolates; sometimes you just dig out the good center parts and leave all the undesirable rest to waste.”
“There is no such thing as a perfect person, but someone’s heart can have a perfect intention.”
“Throw sass around like confetti.”
“Hella heart eyes for you.”
“Decluttering my life like Marie Kondo.”
“Life is simple. It’s just not easy.”
“You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.”
“Get out there and live a little.”
“I’m not high maintenance, you’re just low effort.”
“Whatever is good for your soul, do that.”
“The way you speak to yourself matters the most.”
“You can regret a lot of things but you’ll never regret being kind.”
“Being happy never goes out of style.”
“A little contour and confidence.”
“Smile a little more, regret a little less.”
“Grow through what you go through.”
“I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”Oh hey there.”
“Sunday funday.”
“Let it be.”
“You do you.”
“I can show you the world.”
“I’ll do me.”
“Morning gram.”
“Mentally at the beach.”
“All about the vibe.”
“I woke up like this.”
“Escape the ordinary.”
“Let it hurt and then let it go.”
“Less perfection, more authenticity.”
“Life happens, coffee helps.”
“Smile big, laugh often.”
“Crazy hair, don’t care.”
“Coffee and confidence.”
“But first, let me take a selfie.”
“Don’t dream of it. Train for it.”
“Live more, worry less.”
“All I really need is a passport.”
“Start somewhere.”
“Be happy, it drives people crazy.”
“Create your own sunshine.”
“Life is too short for bad vibes.”
“Maybe she’s born with it.”
“Better an Oops, than a what if.”