we will always come back to the shore

I appreciate you. You are beautiful. I believe in you. You matter. Stay gold~~

sometimes im so tempted to wear a corset

This is my body frame. So why am i still not happy with it?

toothpick legs

24 inch waist

mesomorph body type

Not every hourglass/mesomorph/skinny person loves their body.

I was your average petite, tiny kid that can eat a shit ton and still dont gain one kilo. When i was 9, i was 18kg at 132cm. "Severely underweight" persists in my primary school report book. Due to my unhealthy bmi, I almost couldn't qualify for NAPFA. (I did and got a medal in Pri 6 for having consecutive triple golds, don't judge a book by its cover.)

My body type may also be why puberty hit me later, as compared to my mum and sister. My mum would drag me monthly to TCM to get 增肥药 (medicine to apparently help you gain weight?) and i ate that for consecutive 3 years. I am a weird kid that likes the taste of chinese medicine but it was sad to have to eat medicine to gain weight as if my skinny body is wrong or ugly. Did it help? I was 25kg at 12. Judge for yourself.

Being 25kg at the height for 135cm to 140cm, my skinny frame was admired by many. I eat a lot more than my peers but still slim. For dancers, especially girls, you would have heard your China instructor occasionally telling people to “少吃一口饭 (eat less)” but for me the target is never me. duh.

Unfortunately for me, puberty hit me at the age of 14. That was the end of my "glorious" skinny body shape. In a camp, i ate a lot as usual and gained 4kg in 4 days. You read it right. 1 kg per day. At 14, I was 40kg at the height of 140cm. Not so ideal anymore, huh?

I grew 20cm over the holidays. Magic of puberty, right? In my head, I should have only grown vertically. But sike. When i stepped onto the weighing scale, i got a shock of my life. 42kg.

“What the hell? What do you mean shock? You know how many people want to be 42kg?!”

Well, that's the response I get if i say this to any human.

Well, for someone who has been the skinniest in the clique, I am now average. Not tall, not short, not fat, not skinny. I felt like i am a nobody. nothing. worthless.

I started to be obsessed with inches. 36. 24. 36. Best hourglass shape. As soon as I set that as my ideal, i started to workout like crazy and diet as well. To enable it, I am in charge of physical training for my CCA. I plan PTs by doing them twice and if I can survive it, I push myself until I can barely make it. Since I was dieting, I lack of stamina and especially during my periods, I will almost faint. 1. Cramps 2. Lack of nutrition But due to dieting and exercising, I earned myself my first 11 line abs. Beautiful. But short lived. Once I "retired" and study for o's, my fat potato ass is back to visit.

Entering JC, I joined Judo. Note: I am 44kg at 160cm. Again, i had to plan PTs. On days i don't have training, i would work out for 2h. Thanks to that, my 11 abs revisited me.

The next time I weighed, I saw a 5 and I hated myself. I remember running for NAPFA 2.6km and someone shouted "Thunder thighs" (til this day i do not know if its directed to me). I immediately got self-conscious. And i hate my thighs. H A T E.

But no, i didn't diet. Because I need to gain weight to fit into the 52 weight category. If i try to lose weight, i will be snapped into half by my coaches.

Now, I am 51kg at 162cm. 25 inches waist. Do i like my body? No. And I don't have to. Just because someone's body may be an ideal for another, it does not mean I lose the right to feel body conscious. Because I grew up viewing myself as ugly, it is almost habitual to scorn whenever I see my naked body in the mirror.

Instead of criticise and shut someone up with “can you be grafeful, you know how many people wish to have your body/face” , compliment them. Remind them with love. Shower them with praises. Tell them that they are beautiful. Tell them that they look great. Tell them that they winged that outfit.

thriller · crime ·

Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn

“But the grin was gone.
She looked like a plastic baby doll
Natalie had no teeth now.”

Reading this at midnight definitely elevates your five senses. If Stephen King can say “after the lights were out, the story just stayed there in my head, coiled and hissing, like a snake in a cave”, I bet the novel is pretty twisted. And this is.

Honestly, the plot is expected. This IS a creepy family saga. But the writing style is commendable. Though you expect it, you know its coming, your stomach will still twist and churn as the story unfolds. You might not want to read ch 13 onwards late at night if you are a coward like me. Or just drown yourself with funny videos after that.

Once the main characters are introduced, you sort of get the spooky vibes if you are cynical. Honestly, Alan is the only character that I don't quite get the meaning of his existence. But get yourself a man like Alan, who will write letters to you when he can't visit you lol.

The fact that there are living examples of mothers as such makes you quake with fear.

I felt my heart ache for Camille when she put herself through pain, just to redeem herself of her guilt towards Marian when it's not her fault. But as a human, you will feel guilty because you literally live under the same roof and yet you didn't even realise.

I also felt annoyed when I read “After the way he looked at my marked-up body, I knew I wouldn't [hear from Richard again].” It's sad but true that not everyone can embrace things like that. But extremely thankful there was Eileen and Curry to give Camille kisses in the morning. She deserves that and needs that after all the ordeal.

“I am learning to be cared for. I am learning to be parented.” Same, me too, Camille. We can do this.

“i swore i would never be like them”

- Older, Sasha Sloan

When I was 17, I was given the most difficult task - middleman. I was wrapped around the fingers of my mother and I am constantly sending pleas to my father to come back. I was hurting so much in between that I was abandoning myself every time I plead. I hated myself for being so weak, i hated myself for not being able to call her out, and i hated myself for hating my parents for it. I hated me. I saw it as a draining, torturous period and what did my mum see? Her pride being trampled and that's it. What about mine? What about my father? Am i dead to her?

Why? Just why, everytime shes angry, i have to figure out the ways I, ONLY I, can improve on? Why is it, when she's happy and answers one or two of my questions, I have to take it as a cue for me to bow down to her? To talk to her, and act as if nothing has ever happened. The hurt, mam, dont work like that. It hurts. Everytime this family is in chaos, I blame myself for bringing this family together at 17. Why did i do it? Maybe everyone would be happier otherwise.

One day,, I wish my mother can read all of my writings and realise just like her, I have a low self esteem. But unlike her, I won't use it as an excuse to make others' lives worth nothing. Instead, I will remind others that I appreciate them.

Just like her, i learnt to be passive aggressive. I hate confrontations, conflicts and lash outs with people i cherish. I will learn to voice out rationally.

During adolescence, I was thrown to deal with bullying all alone. But I am constantly criticised for being defensive. If I dont defend myself, who will?

I am me, and she does not define who I was, am and will be. Because I will be my own parent.

outings ~~ ʕ•ٹ•ʔ

31.07.20 // Orchard
Today, we went out to REFASH and got some cute tops \ ʕ^ ٹ ^ʔ /
Also, we got candles for Yankee !!

hokkaido ice cream \ (๑❛ ∀ ❛๑) /

Today, she got angry at us for "not taking her cue and talking to her" ; again. ;-;

« Family »

Pride is something so important in our family. So important that it comes before us.

Self victimising is a common act in our family. So common that everyone is doing it.

Pagroing is a natural behaviour in our family. So natural that there is an elephant in the room.

Will these four walls ever become more than a house and finally feel like a home?

i n S O M N I A

Another long night, head full of thoughts.

Details matter.

{ Traveller's crease }

This crease is the detail i like about Rosé's favourite pair of Alexander Wang jeans.

A sophisticated, sharp formal look cannot do without a traveller's crease. Most suit pants have it. The purpose of it was to make sure your bottoms remain neat.

To me, having traveller's crease in jeans brings the attention away from your lower abdomen (or your muffin top). This means you can go out and have a hearty meal, no worry! It also creates an illusion of long legs (especially if the jeans are high waisted).


Pair with a basic crop top, crossbody mini sling bag and some matching accessories to pull off an effortless yet edgy look.

Personally, a mid length necklace with a thin chain that situates at the centre of the chest or a 2 in 1 necklace is pretty dainty. Remember to wear accessories that complements your skin tone (cool, warm, neutral)!

For shoes, sneakers, platforms, slip ons, basically anything casual works. I personally would avoid edgy shoes like stilettos or overly casual shoes like slides.

To complete the casual look, I would go for lighter scents, like green tea or fruity scents like peach~


A v-neck or wide neck pullover can give off a casual, chill vibe! Your collarbones will serve the elegant accents of the fit.

If the pullover is long, tuck it in and pair with a belt to accentuate your cute waistline :D I like to cuff up the long sleeves as well as add a thin black hairtie to give the illusion of longer legs and slimmer arms.

A thick heeled shoes like FILA is what I would go for to hold the weight of the fit! Personally, this look fits any type of scent, from fruity to clean. I feel the scent will determine what kind of vibe you want to give off. So if it's a date look, maybe go for a fruity/flowery perfume!


With a basic shirt and blazer, a dainty watch and a decent platform shoes/high heels completes the look with an elegant CEO aura!

Personally, since the blazer is falling below the waistline, cuffing up the blazer can make the look less stiff and droopy. A bag that is above the end of the blazer will work, but definitely not a casual backpack. I personally would rather go for a crossbody with metal chains since I am not yet a fan of shoulder bags but both works!

Oh, with such a clean look, put on perfume honey~ A clean, light scent is preferred, if flower scents are your thing, maybe white rose? Vanilla works too~ If you feel badass and strong, musk pulls that swag off!

Life kinda sucks

when you mean nothing

A wisdom tooth extraction. A swollen face. An antibiotic. A whine. A favourite. There you go. The combination you need to make my parents run, serve and revolve willingly.

Not complying will result in you being cold-blooded, awful and mean. From tolerating lengthy about pain, to making sure her dinner is comfortable, what have they not done? and not ask me to do as well?

Being a sick person is great. If they care.

They will be your limbs: serve food straight to your mouth as you open, boil an egg to rub away the swell, and constantly ask if they should get anything for you. Everything revolves around you. How great. Just a little twitch in your face comes a service.

There will be people who do the service. But who cares? You are sick. Valid reasoning. Even the week-long MC has marked you physically unfit. The pain in the mouth seems to spread all over, now that it seems like you can't use your hands to grab your food or your legs to replenish your own bowl.

I don't understand. I am cold-blooded. I don't sympathise. I am harsh. I don't serve. I am awful.

Even when i am sick and I say "What about me?", I am replied with "She's sicker". Well, it reiterates it is NOT about me. Never was, never is and never will. But it's okay. I can't change the situation so indifference it shall be.

Because my insomnia can't be seen. It is not physical. They know it but they don't care. They feel like my insomnia is a choice and I can sleep early. Because my anxiety and worry can't be seen. They don't understand. Because I am nothing.