Do the inner work!

“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”

I’m sure we have all heard that saying, I didn’t realize the magnitude of it until I did a whole lot of inner work.

While driving to work today I started thinking about my mom, I can’t say what made me think of her exactly which is how it usually happens, but I began to cry. I know that I am not fully healed but I do know I’m a hell of a lot better than I was a year ago. As I started to cry and think about my mom, all I could think about was how bad I wish she got this version of me. I spent majority of her life here upset with her for a few reasons that I don’t want to share here yet but if you know, you know. I had a really tough childhood and young adult life and have been through things no young girl/daughter should ever have to go through. I was mad at everybody for it for a long time, up until a little over a year ago actually. I grew up not knowing how to express my feelings because I never had the outlet to do so.

My mom and I were very different in so many ways but actually the same exact person. I got my heart, nurturing ways, compassion and empathetic personality from her. I can’t tell you how many times she had held me and we just cried together. No words. She just knew exactly how I felt with everything I was enduring in life. I knew that she wanted to take it away from me so bad, she wanted a beautiful life for me. It literally broke me into pieces losing my mom because I knew that there was never going to be anyone in this world that could be there for me like she was. Who else would know exactly how I felt, why I felt, and how to make it better?

After getting out of a really abusive relationship I finally decided that it was the cherry on top of my trauma and I was ready to get into therapy. The first few months were so rough, I had my therapist crying some sessions. 🙃 a year later I can’t even believe how broken I was, I wish I could give my old self the BIGGEST hug. But I wish more than anything my mom got to experience this version of me. The healed and happy version who finally is living for only herself. We were both so broken, she was loving us the best way she knew how. I didn’t understand at all until now and I spent a lot of time mad at her for it. If there’s anything I want her to know it’s that I forgive her and I love her more than she will ever know, I didn’t tell her enough.

I’m thankful I have healed and I know now how important it is to be a healed individual. I love everybody so differently now, I don’t hold hate in my heart and there’s no misunderstandings on what I went through in life. People deserve the best version of you. Your kids, your friends, your family, your partner, your colleagues, they do. There are some people who will never get to experience this version of me and I don’t want them to, but if there was anyone-I would want it to be my mom. Maybe our relationship would have been different and I wouldn’t feel as empty as I do sometimes.

I questioned God a lot at one point but I have came to terms with the fact that I 100% probably would not be in as good as a space that I am today if it wasn’t for the the things I went through. I’m thankful for it all, the lessons and life changing moments made me who I am, but I’m mostly thankful that I finally healed myself. Please heal. My therapist saved my life and I could hug her forever for it. She saw me go from a completely broken and damaged little girl to a strong, brave and courageous woman. Heal! You have to! Get rid of anything and anybody who triggers you or feeds the trauma. It will only hurt for a little bit. The reward lasts a lifetime! You will hurt everybody you come in contact with when you’re damaged, I swear you will. Heal for yourself, you deserve to be at peace with your life because we only get one. Healing is not an overnight process and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. Be patient with yourself and know that there is light at the end. I don’t have kids yet but I know that when that time comes they will have the absolute best version of their mother, something I never got to experience. Please heal. You have to.

2threeeee update —

Big on big yr

Happy 2023. This is going to be my breakthrough year and I am so excited and ready for all my blessings!

Here’s to 26, a happy life, a healed heart, an open mind, and a unbelievably deserving woman. I have worked so hard to get where I am today, I can’t even begin to explain how far I have come with myself. I’ve been patient! I’m ready and I can’t wait to bloom

External link

Moms day.

2022

If you didn’t know by now, time doesn’t stop for anybody. It doesn’t matter what you have going on, it doesn’t matter how you feel, it doesn’t matter if you need a break, it doesn’t matter if you need more of it, it just does not stop. So here we are on another day that is always tough for myself because well the days just keep coming. I guess I always try to give myself whatever pep talk I can the days leading up to it but that doesn’t really help because when the day comes I just feel defeated sometimes, ya know?

Mother’s Day. It’s technically our 5th one without her, my sister reminded me yesterday, but our 4th Mother’s Day that she has not been here physically. I went to HEB the other day to get some groceries and as I’m leaving I could not help but to look at all of the Mother’s Day balloons, flowers, etc. naturally I cried the whole way home because…..duh. Even though it will be 4 years in November that my mom has been gone, I still can’t fully grasp she will never be here again. I will never be able to bring her a Mother’s Day gift, or write her a Mother’s Day post, or take her to a Mother’s Day lunch, never. I was only 21 when she passed, I very much still needed her then and need her even more today.

My mom and I were SO different-but we had the same heart. She was nurturing, she was a healer, she was sympathetic, she was helpful, she was funny, she was outgoing, she was a homebody, and lastly a CRY BABY which is 100% where I get that from. She knew my heart to a T, she knew exactly how I felt about things, she knew how hard I loved and cared for others, she was the only one who really understood. When I just needed to cry I would go to her. When I had my first heartbreak I spent several weeks at her house. She would hold me, she would cry with me. She made me feel better. She always told me how proud she was of me. She wanted to know everything I had going on in life. She would call to ask me how my day was, what I did all day, what was I doing tomorrow, what did I eat for lunch, what time do I work, and she actually cared about all of those things too. She never hung up the phone without saying I love you, literally never.

There is so much I miss about her. So much. I used to be angry about it-sometimes I get frustrated, but I have tried my best to accept Gods plans. My mom was not always the best, I spent a lot of time upset with her but let me tell you-none of that mattered when I lost her. I try to preach to my friends all the time about loving their moms, loving both of their parents since I don’t have either of mine, but today we will talk about moms. Moms are just not replaceable people. There will never be anybody that loves you like your mom does. People make mistakes, a lot of our parents were/are dealing with pain from childhood,middle age, etc., have patience. Just give them whatever love you can no matter what. Please love them while you have them. Parents are just so important and I will always be thankful for whatever time I had with mine.

Mom, I’m doing okay. Actually I’m doing everything you wanted me to do. I’m taking care of myself-literally just ME for once. You always wanted me to do that. I’m the happiest I have ever been I think-I wish you could see. I have accomplished a lot on my own. I have been to a lot of new places and have done a lot of new things. You would just be so happy for me, I can hear you telling me. We really miss you down here, everybody. I love you so much and one day I will see you again. Watch over me until then❤️

To the moms in my life who have ever made me feel apart of, who have loved me as their own, who have given me any type of motherly advice-I love you all so much. Seriously I am beyond thankful for you guys.

Andrea Urbina. Brenda Hughes. Annette Moore. Melinda Stocki. Michelle Hernandez. Barbara Garcia. Beth Wilson. Tanisha Dockery. Sheila Momin. Chasity Mull. Sage Robinson. Katy Conti. Amy Pack. Julie Bell. Cynthia Brodie.

Really so many more, but just to name a few-these women at some point made me feel loved, showed up, or was there with great mom advice when I needed them, whether they knew it or not. Happy Mother’s Day to my mama, these mamas above, and all the other very important mamas I have in my life😘

A synopsis

2022

A blog for……well whatever I feel like writing about. 25 and evolving, finally living for myself after not doing so for so long. I’m just getting started here. I’ve had journals since middle school, writing has helped me in ways I never though it would. From journals, to diary’s, to poems, it made me feel free for those few pages. I hope my words help somebody-because I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the only one going through something. Welcome to the pieces of my life I let you be apart of.

Playback.

It’s like a scene in a horror movie that I’m forced to watch over and over again.

A scene that was so relevant to your life
That you thought you would never escape from
And you did
And when you think it’s finally over
The scene starts again
Except it’s not you in the scene

You’re watching someone you love in the same horror film you were in
And they’re babies
Like you were
And their eyes are screaming for help
Because their mouth has no idea how yet
Just like your eyes were
Do you remember?
What an awful playback

If only you could break the cycle
So they aren’t 26 thinking this is what love is
Patching up another hole in the wall
Because that’s what love is
And feeling worthless
Because that’s what love is
And hearing another “I didn’t mean it”
Because that’s what love is

I wish I didn’t have to watch this
I hope this playback ends soon
And it will be the last horror film I’m forced to watch
I don’t like these kinds of movies

OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE