Its Panashe Joy
Hi, welcome to my blog. 🤍
I make faith-based journal-like entries about my experiences and musings concerning my Christian faith walk.
I’ve been a Christian all my life, but I only became a devout believer in March of 2020. Since then, my whole life has revolved around the Holy One of Heaven. 🤍
I make these journal entries more for my personal reflection than for an actual audience, but I find that I don’t mind letting people in on these musings :)
I do hope that through my posts you may get an idea of what it’s like to walk in intimacy with Abba Father, Holy Spirit, and my Sweet Saviour. My relationship with the Lord is far from perfect, so I don’t mean to imply that you should view me as a template for the right way to walk in intimacy with Him.
I only want to share glimpses of what it’s like for me, personally.
Thank you for visiting my site, I hope you’ll enjoy my posts. Bless. 🤍
27 December, 2020
Seasons: Currently learning to understand my own.
When I was newly saved I used to hear a lot about seasons and how each one would prepare us for the next.
The people who talked about these seasons sounded so experienced and always seemed to know their current season. I, on the other hand, found it really hard to discern my own.
I didn’t even know where to start honestly. Overtime though I think I started to see signs when there was about to be a shift in season. It is quite fascinating how the change can occur.
Sometimes it’s abrupt- like waking up from a dream and stepping back into reality. Other times, it’s like a fading mist; your circumstances seem to melt into something new and totally different. This is just me though, I don’t know if this is what other people experience.
There were moments when I just felt like drawing away from everyone. A particular time this happened was at some point in September I think, when an unusual sense of calm and quiet came over me. It was so sudden... I didn’t feel sad or anything but I just desperately wanted to lay low.
I found myself listening to the quieter Christian songs that I had, the ones that focused on intimacy with God and the secret place. I journaled a lot in that time. Social media was dreadful to even think about because I felt that it would destroy this calm state I was in so I put off going online as long as I could, only going when necessary.
I titled it, ‘The Art of Solitude’ (dramatic right?). It lasted for about a week but even now I think about how freeing it was to not want to do anything but sit quietly and think about God while also being in His presence. I really like to think He was the one who pulled me into the calm because it was a very difficult time for me and I was experiencing so many negative emotions.
Now, I think I’m about to enter a really intense season: preparation. I know I can’t choose my own seasons but it really looks like that’s what this next one is going to be. I could be wrong, but we’ll see.
With only 4 days left to the end of 2020 I’m eager to spend time in the secret place just preparing for the year and seasons ahead.
So I got way ahead of myself again...
Man, God HUMBLED ME... again.
So I had a meltdown about a night ago. I was aware that I was probably making a fool of myself as it was happening, but I didn’t want to care.
The next morning I woke up feeling really silly about losing my cool the way I did, but I didn’t quite regret it. In a way it had been necessary because then I ended up expressing all the feelings I had suppressed, even from myself.
I kept replaying the situation in my mind and couldn’t get over the part where I had confessed that I was “as vulnerable and as scared as the next person.” It was in that moment that I had officially dropped the whole ‘brave girl’ façade. In that moment, I had admitted that I know nothing. I am a CHILD.
The more I thought about it, the more I saw that I really am not as grown in the faith as I thought... I’ve always been someone who matures pretty quickly so I can see where my mistake had come from.
The thing is, I had been so eager to become spiritually equipped for any struggles that I could be facing at any point. I always wanted to be learning and improving especially in my spiritual warfare because I felt like letting my guard down was really foolish. I wasn’t wrong there, but my approach was. I was so wrapped up in being on top of my game and being in control that I didn’t see how much I was confusing myself.
I had to make a painful sacrifice in obedience to God recently. God basically showed me that I had to stop doing something because it wasn’t what He had told me to do. It was very hard and I even resisted a couple of times but I did it in the end.
Explaining my sudden and seemingly crazy decision to the people who knew about it became the hard part. I was often met with responses that were laced with “girl are you insane??” or the skeptical “well, if that’s what feels right to you...”
The more doubtful responses I got the harder I tried to justify and rationalise this instruction God had given me. I was convinced that I understood why He was making me do it.
That is, until the meltdown.
I started to see that I actually had been very silly to think that I understood the whole thing. I didn’t. I had a brief idea of why things were happening, but no real understanding. How was I supposed to anyway? I’m only human. What do I know about the ways of THE Creator? Does scripture itself not say that
“Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.”
Ecclesiastes 11:5 (NLT)
So what was I thinking? Who did I actually think I was? My gosh.
Anyway these realisations left me feeling like such a fool. I just wanted to go to my room and cry on my knees in repentance. So that’s what I did.
After that I just decided to let God take back control. I felt lighter knowing that the burden of handling and understanding everything was no longer on me. I didn’t have to be responsible for anything or anyone else. I would use this time to just rest, because I have been tired for a while now.
I decided that when I pray, I will simply take it to God in humble petition. No need to put on a show of ‘wisdom’ or ‘spiritually saturated’ words. Just going and stating the matter, asking God to solve the problem, thanking Him for the victory already won, and then just spending the rest of my time with Him.
For someone with performative tendencies (as I have recently discovered thanks to this humbling experience), this is a dream.
I actually tried out this simple approach last night and I can happily tell you that it was the most pleasant prayer experience I’ve had in a while. I wasn’t scared. I didn’t feel like I had to say certain things to be heard. It was just God and me; Father and child, having a conversation.
I hope it stays like this for a while. I just want to revel in this peace for a while.
As for the performative tendencies I mentioned earlier, I’ll make a blog post about that sometime. I’d do it now but I’m exhausted.
Thirty-five minutes ago I was on my way to sleep when I decided to quickly check my WhatsApp for messages. The moment I did I instantly regretted it.
I saw something I just wish I hadn’t.
It wasn’t even something big or that serious but for some reason it made me feel like I’d been punched in the heart. Why, oh why, did I stay up so late? Smh I should have slept.
The situation affected me so much I lost the desire to sleep despite being bone-tired. Went on YouTube to just watch something mindless and feel sorry for myself, only to be bombarded with worship music videos on my subscriptions page.
One thing led to another and I was there watching listening to ‘Good and Loved’ by Travis Greene and Steffany Gretzinger. The familiar sting of tears surged to the back of my eyes.
It was comforting and convicting all at the same time because today I didn’t really spend time with God... and yet I planned to as this is really a time when I’m trying to keep my sanity by focusing on Him.
I need to be more intentional about it because clearly I’m struggling. Worst part is I’m in a time of hurting but I’m not the most open about it. I do have some friends who I trust enough to confide in about my anguish but I just feel that no matter how much I explain or express they just might not understand the true depth of my problem...
I don’t quite understand it myself.
But that’s why Jesus is the most OBVIOUS solution to my problem and yet here I am delaying my running to Him and clinging to Him. Smh. I think I need to humble myself because this is unintentional pride.
Anyway let me sleep. I’ve got bags under my eyes from all the late nights I’ve been having.
I refuse to be guilted for walking in obedience.
For months, the Lord had been pressing an instruction on my heart. For so long, I resisted. He came at me through dreams. Through videos and books. Through the Word itself. Through my conscience. Through my convictions. He made it known that He wanted me to listen to Him.
It wasn’t as if He was forcing me, but He was definitely letting me know that it was something serious.
I couldn’t keep turning a blind eye to it, and so after a final bout of conviction, I gave in. Before I made the tough decision I prayed, I cried, I lamented. I asked Him to give me the words, the courage, and the actual strength to do it.
The decision was followed with a sense of relief and surrender. I knew then that the situation was out of my control because I had done my part. I hoped my decision would be understood, and tried to explain as best as I could. At first it looked like things were going to be calm...
But then the opposition started. I found myself actually struggling to adjust to the new course that the decision had put me on. Found myself having to constantly explain the decision that God had asked me to make. Found myself being made to feel a fool for going through with it. Found myself feeling guilty.
I spent nights and days swimming in misery and stewing in the anguish that resulted from my obedience. I kept trying to compensate for doing what God told me. I felt helpless against the blows being sent my way.
I cried my eyes raw for weeks, with only a few individual days of peace. I had forgotten why I had made the decision. Somehow my brain had convinced me that I was the reason for my own suffering and that I deserved everything that was being thrown at me.
But then today something amazing happened. After being hit with yet another form of punishment for my decision, I finally gave up feeling like I deserved it.
I cried out to God and declared that today will be the LAST DAY that I am tormented for this. No longer will I suffer for a decision that I made in obedience to His will. No longer will I accept the villain tag for choosing the will of He who knows better than all mankind.
The more I thought about it, the more passionate I began to feel. Why had I been acting as if I had done something wrong? Why was I listening to the vile accusatory lies the enemy had been whispering in my ear?
My goodness. This is the will of the Lord! I simply followed instruction because I know He has a great plan. Why then must I act as if the burden had to fall on me. Who am I? Haha! I’m just a humble handmaid, willing to give my life for the Lord because He is *that* good. He’s everything to me.
The Lord takes care of His righteous. He loves those who love Him. And if my decision wasn’t a reflection of my love for Him then I don’t know what is.
But surely, surely He will redeem me. For all the suffering I am bearing. In fact, I want every horrid experience I have had in relation to this to amplify His glory. I don’t even want or expect reward for this, I actually just want the glory of the Lord to be expressed in the mightiest way from this.
This isn’t about me. It never was and it never will be. It isn’t about what rewards I will get for being obedient, no. It is all to show that He is God. The one and only. THE Most High. Creator of all things seen and unseen. In existence and yet to come.
I’m so joyful now. The Lord can defend Himself. I don’t need to carry the yoke of burden for listening to my Father. Praise be to God I am officially FREE from the lies of the devil over my decision.
I have declared openly that this is the LAST TIME I will second guess myself for following the instructions that my Father gives me. I walk in intimacy with the Lord, therefore it is none of my business what the world thinks of my decision.
I’m a Daughter of the King, the CREATOR. All through Jesus Christ my Lord.
I am blessed and I am joyful. Glory to God forever. Amen.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how I don’t really get God’s feelings... I mean, I know He gets angry, happy, sad, frustrated and all that but I still feel like I don’t understand enough.
Most of us relate our relationship with God with romantic relationships as a means to understand the emotional value and attention required of our relationship with the Father right?
Well, I’ve found a flaw in that reasoning...
It’s not that it’s a bad way to look at it per se, but the thing is we’re bound to start expecting human behaviours and reactions from God. Like when we hurt Him we kinda expect Him to hold a grudge for a while like most human beings would (which is typically why we sometimes feel like we’re too dirty for Him)
But then He doesn’t.
He is holy, sovereign, just and merciful, but He still has feelings. I’ve realised that personally if I’m going to deepen my relationship with God, I need to have a deeper understanding of His feelings.
I don’t feel satisfied with what I know now. I feel like the less I understand Him the harder it is for me to connect with Him. I know of course that the capacity of my human mind would never be able to hold all the knowledge on this matter but I know for sure that there’s more to Father’s feelings that I can discover.
I’ve prayed that He helps me find the answers to this, and I already know that the Word is a very rich place to search for them. I’m quite hopeful and excited for what I’m going to find.
Stepping into daughtership.
You know, I often think about how our relationships with our parents (usually our fathers) are likely to have an influence on how we view God as our Heavenly Father.
I’ve seen it in a lot of fellow believers. Most who have or had a good relationship with their fathers find it easier to be intimate with God, because they are used to that kind of relationship.
And then there’s others who don’t have that great of a relationship with their dads, and they usually have a harder time connecting with God. They even have to *learn* how to view God as a Father and trust Him.
I’d say that I fall somewhere inbetween... I love my dad and think the world of him, but sometimes I find it hard to talk about certain things to him for fear of feeling like a burden. Of course he reassures me otherwise, but it but it can be hard to let go of my inhibition...
So now that I’m saved that makes God my Father. In all the months that I’ve been developing my relationship with God I’ve come to realise that there are still some mental and perhaps emotional boundaries I put up when it comes to my relationship with Him.
I still find that sometimes I can’t bring myself to pray in asking for something -especially something material- because somewhere in my head it’s a bratty, entitled thing to do.
I still find that when I’m hurting over something that seems small or wrestling with the idea of something He may have told me, I have a hard time seeking true comfort from Him. I know that He cares about my feelings very much (even the ones I deem petty) but there’s a mental barrier in my head that keeps me thinking ‘you’re being dramatic, shouldn’t you be thinking about more *important* things???’
Ironically, even though I have these little things holding me back most of the time I can confidently say that every time I’ve let myself be vulnerable with God, it always ended well. I always found the comfort I longed for (or didn’t even realise I was craving!) and the emotional validation I desired.
Now, I’m intentionally stepping into daughtership. I believe that God has exactly what I need; the things I have felt I had to scrounge for and beg for from human beings who naturally couldn’t always satisfy.
I crave safety and vulnerability. I crave peace and constant security. I crave emotional and mental validation. I crave a hiding place. I crave someone who will wrap me up in His arms and tell me that He’s got everything under control, no matter how ugly the situation is.
I crave love. The love of a Father, in all it’s protective, nurturing and comforting glory. And that’s what I’m seeking in the Lord now, and I know He’s more than happy to provide it ❤️
09/01/22 - Sunday, 9:37Pm
I have been afraid.
I have often found myself shying away from the idea of possibly having a spectacular encounter with the Lord unexpectedly. The idea of being caught off-guard by the Lord’s presence is normally a thrill-point, but lately it has been a source of a funny kind of anxiety.
It is strange. In 2020 I was not like this. I sought His face fearlessly and daydreamed and fantasized about what it would be like to see Him with my very own eyes or, hear His calm voice like the waters with my own ears. And now, I am afraid. Well- I *was* afraid.
It was shame. Somehow, the ugly, smelly gunk called shame had slithered it’s way onto my heart and left a sticky trail on the door to my intimacy with Abba in the vulnerability department. So now the door was jammed shut.
That’s why I began to feel less willing to pour my heart out in worship and cry freely to Him. Why the idea of worship became far less desirable than it used to be. Why prayer became a one-sided conversation because I was too irrationally scared of rejection to let Him speak back.
So, I repented. I scratched at my heart’s door and screamed and cried as I swooped off blobs of that awful shame gunk by the armful until I could finally jangle the door open.
And now here I am. Still looking at the remaining slivers of gunk that line some parts of my door, but I’m not too worried because now there is less of it to deal with.
This is new, and going into my third year with Abba I can definitely say that I don’t know what to expect but I do sense that will be unlike anything I could ever imagine.
05 April 2021 - 4:30PM
[wrote this poem in 2021. Looking at it now the feelings I felt feel so distant yet still so real, even though I don’t feel so much like this anymore. Enjoy this piece of my younger heart.]
I’m just a girl, who’s struggling to find her worth.
Nothing out of the ordinary
For a normal teenage girl, huh?
But what’s so normal
About feeling like I’m far behind
If I haven’t achieved something by the time I’m eighteen
What’s so normal
About having an irrational fear of disappointing
An irrational fear so deep
It sends shimmering tears down my cheeks at the mere idea of it
What’s so normal about
The way I beat and berate myself constantly
Over my failure to match someone else’s stride
To the point where I forget what my own pace feels like
Maybe I’m just overthinking, exaggerating
Just like any normal teenage girl would do
But why is it so normal for us to fuss our way into
An unwelcomed adulthood that we resent the moment it becomes our reality?
When will my worth stop coming
From the tireless efforts I make in every waking moment
To leave a mark, my mark
On the multicolored, ever shifting and morphing canvas
What’s all that about?
Why can’t I just do what I think feels great
And not feel like a fool
When no one else acknowledges it?
But I guess, this is just
The normal way
For a teenager to ponder and wonder
About the fascinating concept of worth
Which is ever misplaced in the world
But only truly rooted in the One
Who created these minds
That mill endlessly over their desired reward
To feel like they’ve done something.
26 April, 2022 - 9:55AM
A new desire has awakened in me. It fills me with the strength, hope, courage and absolute joy necessary to fulfill it.
I feel Abba calling me to pursue purity now. I feel Him calling me to pursue it in its entirety, not just in the ways of my sexuality, but in everything. My goal is now to pursue purity in heart, mind, motive, and action.
It feels unlike anything I have ever known or done before. The joy of it is inexplicable and almost doesn’t make sense, because I have been struggling for so long and I find myself in the middle of that still.
But I speak of my struggles with purity in past tense now, for I believe and declare that I am free in Christ Jesus. Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed!
I am thankful, to the point of almost weeping, for the way my Abba is so kind to me. He calls me out of shame, so that I may walk in the fullness of His love, and bask in the beauty that comes with submitting all glory to Him.
The crown of glory.
I woke up some time past 12:00 AM by what I believe to have been the Lord’s prompting. In that time I prayed about some things in my life, particularly spiritual breakthroughs that I’m hoping to see in this season.
After my prayers I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went on my phone. I read some scriptures, poked about on the Bible App and eventually found myself reading Ezinne Zara’s ‘Bible Diary’ blog. I reread her post on ‘The First and Last Generation’, and I was immediately moved to share it just like I had been the first time I read it.
And as I posted it, a song came to mind. It’s from a movie I’ve never watched, called ‘The Train.’ I came to know of this song through this woman I follow on Instagram, her name is Ebele Light.
We’re on the train going to heaven
We’re on the journey of faith
And when our life here is over
We will answer to God
This is a train of glory
This is a journey of faith
‘cause when our work here is over
we will hear well done
It’s the last part that got me this time. ‘We will hear “well done”. Oh… this is one of the things I yearn for the most with my whole soul. Lately I had forgotten that our mission down here on Earth isn’t without reward. Besides the common knowledge that we will inherit Heaven if we run our race to the end, we forget of a sweeter pleasure that lies within that promise;
To dwell with our King for all of eternity.
Receiving the crown of glory will be the homecoming event to that, and I’m almost weeping with joy at the mere thought of it. I mean, picture this:
The One whom you adore with your whole heart, and long for with your every breath, welcomes you home with outstretched arms after so long a time apart. He embraces you as One who knows your soul, and you find that you’ve never felt more at home than right there in His embrace.
He looks at you lovingly, and His glory just overwhelms you so much that you can barely stand. He then produces the most beautiful crown you have ever seen, and you see that He intends it for you.
You bow in reverence to Him as He places it upon your head, and He says to you, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” [Matthew 25:23, 1 Peter 5:4]. In that moment you realise that everything you endured on Earth was worth it. Heck, you realise that it was nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the joy and the glory you experience in that moment!! And the best part is, it’s just the beginning. There’s more to come!
I may not have the most alluring way of portraying this beautiful moment but I myself imagine it to be a million times better than what I am describing.
Lord, I’m excited to come home. I want to be with You forever. I pray that as I wait for you to bring me there, I run my race well and fight the good fight, so that when I receive the crown of glory (which I don’t deserve by my own merit, but You will give me because You have made me worthy), I will feel the fullness of joy in receiving it.
It’s 3:12 AM now, and my fingers have gone numb from being on my phone too long. I must sleep.
I could have probably done a better job of this post, but I’m just going to post it as it is cause this is the best I can do at 3 AM in the morning lol.
29/05/22 - 8:54 PM
There is peace in obedience.
Proverbs 3:6 reads, “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight.”
I’ve been in a relationship with the Lord for a little more than 2 years now. Somewhere along the line, I forgot what it was to walk in obedience. I lost sight of it completely, and I think that’s why I started encountering some serious spiritual disconnects the longer I went on.
Yesterday it hit me like a slap upside the head that what was missing from my life was essentially; obedience. I can’t give a clear and concise explanation on this as I’m still figuring it out and processing everything, but I can safely say that for the past 24 hours I’ve had more peace than I’ve had in a very long time… all because I’ve made the turn-around and started walking in obedience again.
Obedience and submission go hand in hand. I snatched the reigns from God over my life a while ago, even though I didn’t realise it then. It was one thing to *think* I was walking in His way for me, but absolutely nothing in my life echoed this sentiment. Too many things were perpetually wrong.
I’ve been re-submitting my life to God. Not just in my actions and time, but in my thought life, love life (this one has been hard, but I’m doing it!) , finances, and finally, my future.
It’s been an odd mix of melancholy, relief, inexplicable joy, hope, weightlessness, and security. I’m once again in that space of mind which allows me to focus on the things set before me.
It’s rather naive to assume that this one realisation will easily tide me over the rest of my days; because this too requires daily submission and obedience. I have hope though, because I can actually ask Him to help me do these very things daily.
This way I won’t forget again.
Gosh I feel I’ve been very stiff and awkward in this post. Probably because I’m kinda forcing it out, lol. But it’s fine. I’ll make a better one next time.
Sunday, 9:37 AM
Making Our relationship personal again.
It’s been a while. This morning it occurred to me that at some point my relationship with You stopped being personal. I was so consumed with envy for other people’s intimacy with You that I became fixated on adopting their methods for *Our* relationship.
Abba, I am not like anyone else. I can’t go on trying to present myself to *Us* as someone more aesthetic. What I craved must’ve been their peace, because they were coming from a place I no longer knew how to get to.
I just want to connect fully with You. I want to experience what Our relationship is meant to be at this point in my life. I don’t say ‘reconnect’ because that means trying to turn into past versions of myself to be close to You; and that’s just as bad as trying to be someone else.
I’m so thankful that You are constant. I don’t have to worry that someday I’ll never again experience the version of You that I first came to love. Part of this journey to redeeming the personal-ness (personality?) of Our relationship, is embracing how I am right now, and coming to You as I am. I don’t intend to stay as I am; that’s impossible when I dwell in You and with You. But it will do me good to strip away the masks that I tend to put on in Your presence.
I am an emotional person. I cry when I am overwhelmed with any kind of emotion. I had taught myself not to cry so easily anymore, because it was embarrassing. But why should I be embarrassed before You?
I like to express affection, and then have it expressed right back to me without shame. I had taught myself not to expect the same level to be returned to me, but how can I still think that way when I know that You are the author of Love?
I’m starting to seek what it means to approach You as my Father, Friend, King. I’m seeking to understand how to be friends with Holy Spirit, how to approach Him as Comforter, Intercessor, Counselor, Teacher. I’m seeking to learn how Jesus is my Friend, my Shepherd, my Love, my King, the One to whom I am both part of a collective, and a personal, Bride.
I want to be true to my experiences with You. I don’t want to use templates anymore. Father, Saviour, Comforter, I have returned. I want to be close with You again. You never left me, and I can’t express enough how much I appreciate Your patience and Your love.
I love You so much. Teach me, Lord, to show it. To *live* it.
The one whom You have called by name. ♡
‘The Lord appeared to me from [long ago], saying “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with unfailing love, I have drawn you to Myself and continued my faithfulness to you.”’ - Jeremiah 31:3
Sunday the 23rd
2020 was rough, but it was also the season in which I learnt to sow. I didn’t know much, but I knew to pray. And so I began to sow. Scattering my prayers like seeds on the fertile soil of faith.
I remember sowing into friendships. I sowed into a digital creativity dream that looked like pure foolishness at the time. Sowing into the salvation of my family members, sometimes when the prayers felt like hopeless vanity. I sowed into better self care, vowing to present myself as a woman with dignity and a healthy sense of self. I was sowing into my spiritual growth, drawing near to Abba with my every waking breath. I sowed into my education, pushing those brutally long hours of study and crying and assignments. I sowed because I had nothing but desires. Praying for them felt like the only way I could at least lay claim of them for the meantime.
And now, two years later, there’s answers to show for it.
My friendships have blossomed and matured beautifully. A (very blissful) prophecy was fulfilled. I watched a family member begin to turn her heart back to Jesus (still in the process but there’s so much progress!). I enrolled in a digital content creation that unexpectedly sent my little artist dreams soaring higher than I’d ever anticipated at this stage in my career. I even got to participate in not one, but TWO fully funded animation projects— *dramatic pause for external screaming*— both of which I had key roles in 😭😩 like, how??? Little ol’ me??
God. That’s how.
My self care and self maintenance have improved so much since 2020, and I’m so happy with myself. I’m not quite *there* yet but I feel pretty decent now lol.
My academics were good enough to qualify me for the universities I have been looking into attending, and also the specific course I want to do. Miraculously, the course I want to pursue seemingly has a lot more to do with my passion and talents than what I studied in school, and yet those academic qualifications are what’s getting me in. Is God not amazing? I remember how many times I cried because of how much I hated this one subject, Design & Technology. I always felt like I wasn’t cut out for it and it was a mentally and physically taxing subject. I felt destined to fail. But did I not come out with a decent grade?? Surely there is a God in Heaven 😭, and my teachers took great pains to help me pass, especially my subject teacher who is no longer with us 💔 (rest in peace Mr Hove)
Spiritually, I trust God more than I ever have before. I’m at a place where even if I turn from Him I turn right back as soon as I come back to my senses (🥴why I even lose them in the first place is the problem)
I truly believe Him when He says He will lead me. That He will protect me. That He loves me. I truly see the beauty in submitting to Him, even though sometimes I foolishly rebel. Still, He waits patiently.
But I didn’t do anything more than ask. The Lord blessed me beyond what I could have ever garnered for myself.
I’m making this post as someone who has been going through a lot of disappointment as of late. Sounds pretty contradictory to all that I’ve just testified about right?
But that’s the thing. There’s so much that’s going “wrong” right now, but there’s way more that’s been going right. For the most part all I could see were the downsides. Most of the time I couldn’t even drag myself out of the sulking, because it feels like the worst things ever are happening.
But God reminded me of all the things I can be happy about now. It feels like turning my head to look out the window on the other end of the room, where the sun is shining in. Instead of staying with my face in the corner.
I’m not too happy with how I wrote this tbh😂it feels so all over the place and sloppy. But I haven’t logged anything on here for a while, so I suppose it’s understandable.
Until next time.
09/09/22 - Sunday, 9:48 AM
he tried to steal my worship.
he couldn’t. So, he hid it. With each day that passed, I found it harder and harder to want to worship. I started to avoid it, shamefully running past my music app whenever I was confronted with the opportunity to open my heart in the reckless abandon of musical worship.
Sometimes I would find it, and for that moment I would feel good again. But as soon as the song ended I would go back to running away.
I certainly wasn’t proud of it. I knew that I was snubbing He for whom it was meant. I knew that I was grieving Him. How could I have been so selfish? I couldn’t bear to look Him in the eyes, knowing that I’d have much rather been listening to anything and everything else but the songs that made me face the holes in my relationship with Him.
It’s not that I didn’t love Him anymore. It just became more about how I felt than what was due to Him. It became less about following through with my love commitment and more about saying it with my mouth, lest anyone see how hard I was struggling to actually live it out.
When the enemy hid my worship, he hid my freedom to shine the light of my love for the Lord to the world. It became harder to share the glimpses into my experiences with Him like I used to. This was my way of bringing glory to His Kingdom before, and now that it was under attack I felt like I was failing. I felt like a coward.
And I think that was the whole plan.
Today I’m sitting in the car, listening to my worship music with an open heart. This has happened several times already, but i don’t remember feeling as open and free to it as I do now. Maybe it’s because I’ve been given a new grace that is making me relentless in my pursuit for His face.
A week ago I couldn’t pray. The words evaded me and my chest felt tight all the time. I became agitated but I kept seeking ways to pray. Eventually I decided to start listening to others pray for the things that I could not, in an effort to affirm their prayers over myself as well.
God must have unlocked a lot of things for me this way. My words are returning to me. So are my tears, and so is my worship. The journey continues, and I have a lot of new testimonies now. Some that I may share soon.
As the year is coming to an end, I’m looking back and I can see so much. I’m gaining back the sense of normalcy that I lost at the start of it. But even that feels new.
19/10/22 - 5:37 PM, Wednesday
Keep the fire on the altar burning.
My zeal has returned, and I feel well again. It’s been wonderful to daily pursue the daily task of feeding my spirit and thus keeping the flame for God alive.
I’ve been following along with sermons and prayers to help me address certain things in my life. In the process, my zeal is being strengthened and increased. I haven’t felt like this, for this long, in a while. I’m so happy to be here now.
I’m so happy to trust that this is no longer fleeting, but it’s my lifestyle once again. I pray I can keep this fire burning. I know I can, not by my own strength but by the Holy Spirit. I just need to keep it at the forefront of my mind that I need His word and His time daily.
That’s what’s been working for me these days. Keeping my spiritual nourishment as a top priority. Not out of duty or religious motivations, but out of the sheer need to stay alive. I need my zeal to keep me alive in the Lord. Because I want to go deeper, and deeper still.