or A Girl and Her Nitroglycerin Patch

What are your new year’s resolutions? I recently posted about wanting to enjoy myself despite limitations. I also want to be more open. Very literally and physically I want my arteries to stay open and also as a human I’d like to be more honest and free. I have this picture in my head of what i should be and how my life is supposed to go that is in constant conflict with my reality. I have been performing in some way since grade school whether it was child acting or theatre or dance or music. This year hasn’t had a lot of that and i’ve felt somewhat of an identity crisis. People talked about finding themselves and I always felt happy because i never felt like i had to. I believed in my art and had the stamina to do whatever i needed to for it. But, when that felt out of reach i didn’t know what to share. Am I supposed to look like the average musician or young person or artist? What if my day was just laying in bed trying not to go to the hospital and then my big accomplishment was being able to eat half my dinner. The idea of posting what I thought about and did felt like me fighting to avoid making a wellness instagram or some chronic illness blog. There’s nothing wrong with those it’s just that I was a young and healthy musician girl who went out and wore crazy shoes and ran up stairs at a normal pace and stayed out til dawn and could fly on airplanes without rescue medication and a “caretaker.” I WaS eDgY not a sick and increasingly domestic woman. I am going to continue making art and music. My writing has been sharpened up by this year’s knives. I may not look like a musician constantly on tour or smoking cigarettes but I will share my expression of art nonetheless and i think that’s just as valuable. It may not be very metal to sit around googling autoimmune foods and medication interactions but the ICU was pretty metal so whatever. 🤘🏻 I am going to be real and open this year and i am going to live the best that I can. I’m deeply grateful to be doing so.

If you’re not familiar with my journey with Prinzmetal Angina you can click the link below to catch up.