July 21, 2020

Hello!

If you’re confused as to what exactly this website is, then welcome! Consider ourselves two passengers on the same boat.

As much as I’d love to write about some crazy adventures as a rising artist in the music industry or share photos of exotic countries as I travel around the world or even document my experiences as a student working toward her dream career, I’m just coming to you as a current, undeclared college undergrad who is journaling her daily thoughts while in quarantine.

I honestly don’t know what my specific goal to get out of sharing this journey is, but I just thought I’d pursue the potential of figuring it out along the way!

In other words, this website will probably end up being a place for me to dump a great deal of photos that never made it to my Instagram account and to rave about simple things that make me happy. In doing so, I hope to become more appreciative of the little things in life and find joy where it’s existence is easily overlooked.

However, before I get into all of that, I thought I’d introduce myself..
My name is Julia Pascua and I am writing to you from the small, lovely town of Monrovia, CA, just on the outskirts of L.A County. In addition to being blessed with a house in the beautiful San Gabriel Valley, I’m lucky enough to have a home away from home in the always sunny, San Diego! The reason being that it is home to the University of San Diego where I am currently enrolled and on track to receiving my Bachelor’s Degree- possibly in Business Administration and Psychology, but I’m still figuring that part out. Growing up, I was proudly raised in the Catholic Church and came from a Filipino household; both of which are of extreme importance to me and crucial information to understand my personal beliefs and values. On the side, I can accurately say that I’m not exceptionally talented in one thing, rather I’m adequately talented in numerous things. For instance, I love singing, cooking, drawing, playing basketball, playing piano, etc., but if you ask me to do any of the listed above, my poor confidence will, more often than not, lead me to respond with a firm “no”. Now, you may be wondering why I would create a blog if I don’t like oversharing about myself? Well, that’s because this blog was created for me and my eyes only. When I started writing this, I found writing for an audience to be more therapeutic as it helps me feel more connected to the world during these times when it‘s easy to feel isolated. So I thought, why don’t I create a blog as if I intended it to be shared with others, keep it to myself, and share it when I’m ready? So that’s exactly what I’m doing. If you’re reading this now, it’s because I’ve reached a point where I just wanna share my life and joy with others- with you! All I ask of you is to please excuse my run-on sentences, punctuation, and sentence structure.

So you’ve read through all of this and are still looking to get to read more about me? Then consider my utmost appreciation extended to you!

Welcome to my life!

♡ Julia

July 22, 2020

Disclaimer: I don’t think sitting on the couch scrolling through Instagram as my mom and brother watch a documentary would qualify me to say that I too watched the documentary, but for the sake of my writing, let’s pretend that it does. However, let it be known that I did look up whenever something caught my attention and I was genuinely interested toward the end of the film!

A theme that has been on my mind lately has been minimalism, which is the rejection that the American ideal brings happiness. The reason being that my family and I recently watched the Netflix documentary, Minimalism, and it has led me to a revelation that I didn’t know I’ve been longing for. As much as I’d love to believe that I am a humble individual who is always content and appreciative of the life that I have, there’s always a small voice in the back of my mind that wants more; that voice having been ingrained by the society that we were raised in. And I know I’m not the only one. Whether it be a bigger house, nicer car, newer clothes, more money, etc., this film has opened my eyes to see how the American ideal has validated feelings of never being satisfied. To an extent, yes, I believe that wanting more, working towards being better versions of ourselves, and wanting a brighter future are important motivations in order to make the most out of the life that we’re given. As the film points out, however, the issue that comes into play is when we try to be better than others and start to falsely believe that what we own is the best way to flaunt our success. Black Friday shopping to get the latest technology, drinking underage to fit into social circles, asking for new cars to take pictures in, and constantly replacing the clothes in our closet are short-term ways to cope with the desire to fit into society. They may seem harmless, but in the long-run, they leave us never feeling content with what we have. We live in a society that has normalized success as being determined by the amount of money we have and the items we own. An example we see of this normalization is when the director of the documentary, D’Avella, recalls his earliest experience of minimalism. Notably, he shared that he had graduated college with $97,000 in college debt for a degree that he didn’t expect to make much money with. Shortly thereafter, as a result of not having the things he believed he was supposed to have to prove that he was successful, he decided to buy a car, which bumped his debt to $117,000. After realizing that no amount of possessions would ever truly satisfy him, he decided to start donating his unworn clothing and get rid of unnecessary items. Consequently, he was able to shift his focus and moved forward to pay off his debt. As someone who decided to attend a private university, I understand the loans and student debt that often accompany this decision. College is an investment, but so is life. Sometimes we have to give a little bit of ourselves to pave the way for something beautiful to result; only we can determine what makes that sacrifice worth it.

One of the quotes from the documentary that really struck me was when D’Avella said that we must “Love people. Use things. The opposite never works.” To love people includes loving yourself and self-love is never something to be attained by tangible objects. Self-love is an internal struggle that we battle each day. I believe that owe it to ourselves and to each other to fight. Using people to benefit yourself only leaves you feeling empty in the long run. Loving things leads you to measure your worth by possessions. It’s time we start looking beyond the distractions that the American ideal has put before us and looking toward the people who we value and love most. In doing so, we can start to live a life where our actions are intentional and our love is unconditional.

If you’re measuring your worth by your possessions and are struggling to love yourself:
Question what you want, what matters to you most, and what your ideal life looks like.

♡ Julia

July 24, 2020

Disclaimer: There is no disclaimer because, unlike the Minimalism documentary, I actually watched the entire hour and fifty six minutes! :)

Just like most people, my quarantine has consisted of my family and I staying at home and passing the time with whatever movies we can manage to find after nearly hours of scrolling. Luckily, that wasn’t the case today and my brother had two movies queued up- “The Assistant” and “The Last Full Measure”. As you can tell by the topic of this journal entry, we decided on the latter with the primary reason being that it was more action and it included Sebastian Stan and Samuel L. Jackson. When the film ended, I was glad with our decision. Without giving too many spoilers, the movie simply followed the story of a member of the Pentagon staff who worked with war veterans to grant a Medal of Honor to Airman William H. Pitsenbarger Jr. in order to acknowledge the heroism of the deceased war hero. Although it was not his job, Pitsenbarger propelled himself to the war zone, saved the injured, fought alongside men he didn’t know, and died in an area he wasn’t required to be in. Those who survived the war recall the valor and heroism in Pitsenbarger’s decision and recognize that if it weren’t for him, they wouldn’t be alive. In a part of the film, the Pentagon staffer faced questions of how a piece of ribbon would honor a fallen airmen. That’s when I was provoked to genuinely start reflecting on my life and how I personally choose to honor the living and remember the dead. Symbols speak thousands of words and that’s why the Medal of Honor will always be more than a shiny chunk of metal and fancy piece of fabric. It’s why those who are alive because of the Pitsenbarger fought thirty years to make sure he would finally receive the honor he rightfully deserved. It’s a symbol for displays of unrequited love of what is right and devotion to those who are in need. As a film that focuses on Vietnam War veterans, I couldn’t help but think about the symbol that is the American flag. For centuries, many people have looked to it as a representation of freedom. However, overtime and during this point in history when we are experiencing the largest civil rights movement to date, we have all come to have different sentiments toward it. Some people choose to pledge their allegiance through the national anthem to honor those who came before them, some people kneel to bring to light systemic racism experienced by people of color, and some even burn the flag to disrupt national unity. Whatever it may be, we all have our reasons. Here’s mine. I choose to stand for the national anthem with my hand over heart and lyrics escaping my mouth; not as an act that is ignorant of the clear oppression faced by minorities, but as a way to honor those who died so that we could live. I, like many, grew up with the national anthem being played through the speaker every morning of school followed by prayer. And that’s what I continue to do. For me, the national anthem is a time for me to think about those who died and struggled for this country. This obviously refers to soldiers of war, but also to the enslaved who didn’t have a choice yet are the foundation of how this country was built. I honor the flag not as a symbol of freedom, but as a symbol of struggle and the struggles that exist to this day. Just like middle and high school, I follow my allegiance to the flag with prayer. I pray for strength to help those who are being discriminated against and the passion to act on it.

As the quote says, “Pray. Not just with your words, but with your actions.” I believe in the power of prayer, but there is a difference between being hopeful and optimistic. To have hope entails having the strength to pursue whereas to have optimism entails the belief that everything will work out how we want it to. I respect that we all have differing views about the flag and what it symbolizes, but the issue is how and whether or not we choose to act on what we believe. We must speak out and amplify the voices of those who have lived in silence while remembering the dead and ensuring that their lives were not in vain. We all have our own journey in this fight for justice and the first step is simply showing up and acknowledging that.

If you want to join the fight against oppression:
Allow the stories of those who came before you to inspire you toward a path of creating a better tomorrow, acknowledge the hypocrisy of prayer without action, and work to create genuine change without cancelling those who disagree with you. Our last full measure is devoting ourselves where we are needed, regardless of the consequences, because only then will our love overpower our fear.

♡ Julia

July 28, 2020

Disclaimer: I probably did some of these exercises wrong. Nevertheless, I finally started an exercise routine!

To know me, you have to know how much I’m NOT a fan of exercise. As much as I wanna be the type of person who wakes up early every morning to go to the gym or has a solid workout regimen planned before bed, I’m not. I’m the type of person who would rather go hiking or walk in the park or even go vegetarian, which is saying a lot because I love love love food. However, last Friday, I had a FUSO E-Board meeting and I was inspired. After going around and doing the usual temp checks and life updates, almost everyone talked about how they were able to implement exercise routines into their days in quarantine. Seeing these lovely faces and sharing their workout journeys gave me the motivation to at least try. To my benefit, my brother had also been implementing an exercise routine in which he would wake up early every morning to bike around town, workout in the afternoon, and walk around the park at night with our mom. So, he held me accountable and woke me up today before he went off to do his every weekday (except for Wednesday) bike ride. Keep in mind that I’m not a morning person; I’ve been going to bed at 2:00AM and waking up at 10:00AM. But today (and hopefully every day), I managed to wake up at 7:45AM! After waking up and brushing my teeth, I went on my phone to pick what exercises I wanted to do. Now, if you haven’t already, this is the part where you’ll laugh at me.. I opened TikTok. I chose two routines- one for core and one for legs. And so, to hold myself accountable, I thought I’d share the start of my workout “journey” and the full routine here..

30x Pelvic tilts
20x Side mountain climbers
30x Core extensions
25x Sit-ups
25x Toe touches
25x Bicycle crunches
25x Side crunches
1 Minute of fire hydrant circles
1 Minute of fire hydrants
10x Lunge pulses on each leg
30x Squats

Now, I’m pretty sure that I coined the name for one or two of these, but as long as you can’t tell then I have nothing to feel embarrassed about! In a society that tends to deny the role of physical appearance in the perception of beauty, I understand why exercise is something that is easy to feel embarrassed about, especially when getting started. That is something that I realized as I began my routine this morning and may be why I’ve held back this entire time. By starting a workout routine, it means you’ve committed yourself to get results to look and feel like your ideal self. As someone who worries over the smallest of details, a part of me has felt that if I commit to a routine and don’t get my desired results, it was my fault. Like I tried my best and that still wasn’t good enough. What I realized in the span of my morning is that exercise makes it easy to feel ashamed like you’re admitting that you don’t look the way you want to. It’s easy to feel uncomfortable because you’re not getting the results that you hoped for. It’s easy to feel like you have something to prove. At the end of the day, the ultimate truth to remember is that “I’m working on myself for myself by myself.” There is no shame in working toward becoming someone you would be happiest to be. You can be happy with the person you are today, but still seek contentment. It's better to have tried and failed than never tried, you can rest easy knowing you gave it a go. Today’s “failure” is a chance at tomorrow’s success.

If you need some motivation to get active:
The only bad workout is the one that didn’t happen. Exercise is in itself a story of progress. You may not get your desired results immediately, but nothing remarkable or impressive comes to be overnight.

♡ Julia

August 2, 2020

Disclaimer: I’m currently undeclared, BUT I’m pretty sure that what I’m about to write is the most “Psychology major” thing ever.

Personality assessments! Now, I know it’s not good to base how you view yourself solely on what an assessment says about you. Nevertheless, I personally love personality assessments because they help me to acknowledge both the good and the bad. For instance, when it comes to my personality, I know for a fact that I view others more positively than I view myself. One strength of mine is that I see the potential in people despite their mistakes. And a weakness of mine is that I focus on my flaws and only see failures. It’s like I can focus on the good in others, but not in myself. As a result of me trying to rid my mind of this negative mentality, I decided to retake some personality assessments- the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Enneagram Test, and Strengths Finder Assessment to be exact. The reason being that I find assessments as solid grounds for self-growth in the sense that it can help recognize aspects of one’s life in need of improvement. My results? Excluding the Strengths Finder, everything changed. My Myers-Briggs changed from ISFJ to INFJ and my Enneagram changed from Type 6 to Type 2. My initial reaction? I’m only 1% of the population?! I remember thinking “I’m unique. I’m rare. I truly am like one in a million”. In a way, even though I knew that personality assessments shouldn’t be used to validate one’s uniqueness, it gave me a sense of ease in helping to explain why I find it difficult to relate to people and why I am the way that I am. Now, I know every day is different so maybe I may have been in different moods at the time of the tests. This is why I have been retaking these assessments multiple times over the course of two weeks. As a result of doing so, my new results were confirmed. I think if anything, personality tests show that we always have work to do in improving ourselves. We’re simply imperfect beings. Once we learn from certain experiences, a part of us changes for the better and a new imperfection comes to light. All that we can do is acknowledge that we won’t ever be perfect, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to stop trying to improve. I love personality assessments because they remind me exactly of this.

A quote from my Myers-Briggs Assessment summed up my stance perfectly: “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.” To me, this quote just reaffirms that living each day in pursuit of being one’s ideal self doesn’t justify discontentment. A true life well-lived is one that is able to be happy with the person one is in the present while working to fulfill one’s potential in the near future. We are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time. That’s the mentality that I have been transitioning toward having.

If you’re working on self-improvement:
Take personality assessments to see both your strengths and weaknesses and remember that once you accept your limits, you will be capable of going beyond them.

♡ Julia

August 9, 2020

Disclaimer: This has been on my mind for a long time, but an email I got today regarding a University Ministry Worshop on Black Lives has inspired me to write about my thoughts and reflect on these past couple of months.

Growing up with a dad who worked for LAPD, I truthfully wasn’t fully aware of what the Black Lives Movement was about. Admittedly, I was naive and at some point remembered using the statement “all lives matter” as a response out of true ignorance and misunderstanding. While the metaphors about houses on fire or children being bullied helped me learn where I was wrong, the one that truly spoke to me was the analogy of a carrot being a vegetable. Both sentences- “a carrot is a vegetable” and “black lives matter”- are as simple as that; they are statements. In the same way that saying “a carrot is a vegetable” doesn’t imply that carrots are the only vegetables or broccoli isn’t a vegetable, “black lives matter” doesn’t imply that only black lives matter or that white lives don’t matter. It is a statement that highlights the struggles of black lives and when met by responses that “all lives matter” or “white lives matter” we are simply undercutting those struggles as being insignificant- a problem that I wasn’t aware of when I first heard the statement that “all lives matter”. I was a child raised in a society that taught me to believe that police were in the right and they were protectors of the law. Although the latter still holds true, these past couple of months have allowed me to see that the law is what is in the wrong. Since the murder of George Floyd, I’ve been able to reflect a lot on my faith and have been guided toward seeing the strength of the matter in that George was simply a human being, therefore, he had dignity. And that dignity was infringed upon by those who claimed to be protecting its citizens. I’ve seen people respond with statements that “all lives matter”, “white lives matter”, and “blue lives matter”. I’ve seen people claim that white citizens die in higher numbers than black lives. I’ve seen people try to use evidence that George was on drugs and not in the proper mental state to be spared his life. All I have to say is that “black lives matter” is a statement and if you feel like responding with the claim that “all lives matter”, “white lives matter”, or “blue lives matter”, then “black” is the real word that triggers you, not justice. Yes, it is obvious that more white people die at the hands of police officers in a predominantly white country than blacks, but not in higher proportions. And finally, whether George was on drugs or in the right mental state shouldn’t take away the basic human dignity that should have been guaranteed to him.

A great quote that sums it up best is that “We can not diminish the value of one category of human life- the unborn- without diminishing the value of human life”. In terms of my faith, the whole issue of justice for black lives has caused me to look toward the problem that is our cancel culture. When it comes to this issue, I know of many people who believe that police officers, individuals involved in the justice system, elected officials who allow for these injustices to happen deserve no mercy. They deserve to be cancelled. However, my faith teaches me just the opposite. Those individuals are the ones most in need of mercy. Cafeteria Catholics and Christians are popular in our society, taking only parts of the faith that are comfortable. In reality, our faith only holds true when we look and embody it in its entirety- the comfortable and uncomfortable. No human being deserves to be cancelled because once we are set to dismiss people in such ways, we lose our human dignity as much as the person we cancelled. During these times of trial, I have reflected on what it truly means to be pro-life. I’m not talking about the politicized version of pro-life to be only relevant to abortion. I’m talking about the pro-life that is unconditional. The stance that is against abortions but doesn’t sacrifice a mother’s life for her child. The stance that the elected must continuously provide for its citizens so that babies are seen as gifts instead of burdens. The stance that is against the death penalty and promotes justice that allows the incarcerated a true chance at salvation. The stance that immigrants and minorities are worth no less than the power majority. The stance that promotes all life no matter the circumstances. In doing so, we can normalize a society that doesn’t allow our flaws, mistakes, or differences to make our lives any less meaningful.

If you’re either pro-life or pro-choice:
What makes you think you have the authority to choose which lives matter and which ones don’t? The unborn matter just as much as the living and it is our responsibility as human beings to ensure life is guaranteed to all- in and beyond the womb and no matter the conditions.

♡ Julia

August 9, 2020

Disclaimer: First, I actually started writing this before I wrote my piece on being unconditionally pro-life, but I just felt so strongly about that topic that I was able to formulate my thoughts more clearly than this piece. Second, I know that I’ve never been in a relationship, but I think that true love is applicable to any relationship one may have- platonic or romantic. (Also, I just wanted to say that lately I’ve felt like I’ve been slacking because I’ve been more interested in making lists than writing about my thoughts, but my mind went off today and, as a result, I am all over the place.)

As I am writing, the timestamp is 12:16AM, meaning that all rules of proper grammar and effective writing have left the chat. The reason for my writing is that I just finished reading The Remnant Chronicles and I feel broken yet happy and need. to. rant! Originally, I planned on starting a new book once I finished because I found that reading a new novel tends to help me from taking too long of a time to be emotionally invested in a book series (which explains my binge-reading), but this series wReCkEd me! The plot twists, character developments, adherence to values, women empowerment, and relationships- AMAZING! As much as I wanted to wait to add this series to my list of favorites at the end of the month and write my review, I couldn’t wait. So I thought I’d write while my emotions were at its peak haha. To begin, I think Pearson created one of my most favorite female characters ever. She’s strong despite her weaknesses, loving despite betrayals, and decisive despite her doubts. Most importantly, she doesn’t let her love life dictate her role and passions in life. I’m not gonna get into details because I don’t wanna spoil it and strongly recommend you read it (but if you’ve already read it, text me and let’s talk). All I have to say is that this book has one of the best relationships I’ve ever read and is what I believe true love to be like.

The quote I picked on the topic of true love is that “You will never have to force anything that is truly meant to be”. I think that the protagonist knew her responsibilities and her passions. She knew of her aspirations and had a general goal. Although difficult to comprehend at first, her significant other came to understand this truth and that’s what true love is. It supports, communicates, and is unconditional. Love isn’t easy. Love worth having shouldn’t be easy. Because I believe growth can only sprout from struggle. Although fictional characters, I truly felt that the relationship that they had was the perfect example of true love. They each knew what had to be done and when it was their time, they found one another again. What they thought was their time to be together wasn’t. Once they understood that their love shouldn’t have to interfere with the future they envisioned, that’s when their love became genuine. Love has its own way of telling time. It’s not always measurable, but that doesn’t mean it’s nonexistent. Once we learn the difference between love and lust, focus on loving without the expectation of being loved in return, and sacrifice our pain for the happiness and contentment of another, we will unearth the meaning of true love and learn about both the simplicity and complexity that hides behind such a short word.

If you are trying to identify true love in a relationship:
Imagine your future and think if the person in question would be there to like you because of your strengths and love you despite your weaknesses. They should help you grow despite the setbacks, support you despite their doubts, communicate despite the disagreements, forgive despite their pride, and love without condition.

♡ Julia

August 16, 2020

Disclaimer: I’ve never been clinically diagnosed with a mental health disorder, but then again I never agreed to go get checked in the first place. Also, it’s about to get kinda dark, sad, and deep. I know I said that this account was to acknowledge all the things that make me happy, but there’s beauty in pain and I don’t want to ignore it any longer.

Anxiety is something I’ve been struggling with for the longest time that I’ve come to terms with the fact that is simply part of who I am. There may be days when I feel more anxious than others, but today I don’t feel like talking about anxiety. That’s for another time. Right now, I wanna talk about depression. Now, I know for a fact I don’t have it and I would never say that I do because I feel like that’s undercutting the struggles that those who are diagnosed face. However, today was the closest I ever felt to being depressed. I genuinely don’t know why, but, after years of internalizing my mental struggles, it’s something I need to talk about. Today started off a little too off schedule for my comfort. I woke up at 8:00AM to six different alarms on my phone for some reason, but I didn’t let that stop me from my usual Sunday morning routine. I got ready for Mass as usual, which took 30 minutes longer than I expected and threw my sourdough baking schedule completely off. Nevertheless, let it be known that baking sourdough wasn’t my main concern for the day. I was mostly freaking out over an RA meeting I had scheduled because I didn’t know who would show up, what we would talk about, or what the plan for housing was. Most importantly, I was scared for the type of impression I’d make. As a result, I stressed over this meeting for the past two days- right when I saw the email. Of course, only two other people showed off proving for the millionth time that I overthink way too much. After the meeting, I started texting some friends and one conversation after the other resulted in me logging into my Degreeworks account, which made me come to the conclusion that I don’t have it in me to double major. Long story short, I’ve determined that Psychology is gonna have to become a minor. Once this decision was noted, my brother came back from Taco Bell with all my favorite food. Despite ⅙ of a pastrami sandwich being the only sustenance to carry me for ten hours, I didn’t even take a bite of anything. Whenever I would stand up, my eyes went black and my head hurt. Whenever my mom would suggest it’s my anxiety due to the fact tomorrow is the first day of online classes, I ignored her because I knew that I didn’t feel anything. If anything, I simply felt like crying. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I drained myself by using up my emotional capacity early on in the day, genuine lack of hunger, the fact a bug left me with a bleeding bite, tomorrow’s classes, the RA meeting, changing majors, missing friends, or a combination of all of the above, but I feel like I’ve mentally exhausted myself and literally feel nothing. I didn’t eat my favorite foods, listen to my favorite songs, get anxious by comments about school, laugh at my favorite TV shows, or smile as I scrolled through Instagram and texted my friends. Again I don’t want to say I have depression because I know I don’t. But I just hate how I stopped loving the things that I usually do and I don’t want to gaslight my own experiences anymore. I don’t want to brush them off as insignificant because that’s how I got into this mess in the first place. I know that I don’t have depression, but I also know that there's a difference between having it and feeling it.

Recently, as in last night, my family and I watched The Greatest Showman because it was released on Disney+. Although I love the song “A Million Dreams”, I’ve decided my favorite song from the soundtrack is “Never Enough”. This got me thinking about how my favorite song from Hamilton is “Satisfied” and I feel like I discovered some kind of pattern. I came to the realization that I’ve been holding myself back for way too long. I’m the reason I feel like I never have enough. I’m the reason I’m never satisfied. I’m the reason I’m not the person I want to be. I feel like the lyrics “These hands could hold the world but it'll never be enough” summarize how I acknowledge all of my blessings, but I’ll never be content until I accept myself. Although I don’t have answers for either of us, I feel like the simple response for how I’ve been feeling is that my subconscious has just become overwhelmed. It’s tired of being anxious every time only to be proved time and time again that the stress was unnecessary. It’s tired of never feeling good enough despite me advising others to never believe that about themselves. It’s tired of the routine I’ve grown comfortable in but haven't mastered. I’m tired. I honestly don’t have much advice this time. All I have to say is that we have to stop gaslighting others and ourselves. Going forward, this is something I’m gonna try my best at.

If you haven’t been diagnosed by a mental health specialist, but feel like you’re struggling mentally:
Your feelings are valid. It’s better to acknowledge something that isn’t as big of an issue as you assumed than to ignore it entirely and risk terrible consequences.

♡ Julia

September 1, 2020

Disclaimer: Basically all of my entries are rants/journals of me passionately talking about some topic, but I’m titling this one rant because I’ve been so overwhelmed since the last time I’ve written that this is gonna be a spam of various things that have been on my mind lately. As you can tell by the fact that I just wrote the longest run-on sentence ever using poor grammar, this is about to be a mess.

So one the most recent thing that has been on my mind lately is “Studying Abroad”. Today was the deadline to re-accept or decline my spot for SYE Summer 21 and I ended up accepting as of thirty-ish minutes ago. Although I received the email about a week or two ago, I, of course, waited until the last minute to decide because, as always, I really like to (over)think things through. If you know me, you know that my anxiety stems from both social situations as well as planning as far into the future as I can. Going off of that, I’m pretty sure that’s why deciding if I wanted to reconfirm my spot was so difficult for me. I like consistency, certainty, and control. Lately, I’ve had anything but that. At some points throughout the day I considered accepting or declining, doing a semester abroad instead or an intercession. I’ve realized that a lot of my anxiety is founded upon my inability to make decisions because of how much I fear making the wrong ones. What I have determined is that my control is limited and I just have to trust that my future self remembers that I made the best decision possible with the limited knowledge I had at the time.

Next, we have “Deciding My Major”. Yes, as of now, I am still undeclared. I feel like I have a general idea that I want to commit to business, but I have been jumping all over the place from International Business to Business Administration to considering Psychology and even Accounting. With all of this uncertainty, my major is the one of the few things in my control. You may think that that would bring me comfort, but it actually does the opposite. Kinda like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I don’t wanna declare because I’m scared that I’d end up changing my mind but I end up changing my mind anyways and that just ruins the consistency of things. What I have determined is that I have to learn how to strat being patient and not compare myself to others.

Third, we have “Class Discussions”. If you’ve been in a class with me or really any setting that requires spontaneity, I am not your girl. Whether it be my fear of being called on or fear of saying something dumb, it just triggers my social anxiety so much. My professor for my lab understands this after having to talk with him in Office Hours yet I still get anxious (every Tuesday for discussion and three other days a week for lecture) scared for the day he’ll not understand and cal on me. I read that when anxiety starts getting in the way of your daily life that therapy is something to be considered, but I refuse to have my family spend $300 an hour for an issue I should’ve adapted to by now. If someone/you were going through this, I for sure would tell you to visit a therapist, but I think a part of my anxiety also stems from me feeling like a financial burden to my family. Just a week ago from today, J cried to my mom for two hours about how frustrating it is to not be who I want to be. What I determined is that “going with the flow” is something I definitely need to work on.

Fourth, we have. “Managing a New Job”. As much as I wanted to write about how I got accepted for a student intern position at the UFMC within one hour of my interview with the nicest people ever, my schedule didn’t allow me to. I’m honestly so excited, but I’m so scared of failing, not having people like me, and not living up to their expectations. I feel like I, obviously, am about to be my greatest weakness. What I determined is that I am also my greatest strength and I have to learn how to be proud of my accomplishments instead of dwelling on the what ifs.

Lastly, “Balance”. I don’t know if I’m just really slow, but I have not been taking care o of myself as much as I feel I should be. I used to finish three books within one week for fun but I’m I’ve been on Chapter 7 of the same book for over two weeks now. I used to exercise first thing in the morning, but now I can’t even eat breakfast without gagging the entire time. I used to make stickers and journal entries, but now I’m at my laptop 24/7 always doing homework. I used to cook new recipes and eat fruits/veggies with each meal of the day, but now I just eat whatever my mom puts on my plate. I used to text/FaceTime/vlog to my best friend but now I have to find the time to even text her back. At the end of the day, there are so many things that I wish I was better at; the number one being balance. What I have determined is that self-care, not just homework assignments and studying, is something that deserve to have time allotted for.

♡ Julia

September 10, 2020

Disclaimer: Climate change has been an issue throughout my entire life- not just recently. I’m still not fully informed on what the solution is BUT I think it’s important to acknowledge we need change and we needed it yesterday.

On top of the stresses of being in the middle of a pandemic, having internet problems that kick me out of meetings regularly, and basically teaching myself five classes, 2020 decided why not throw some fire to the mix- literally. Now, another disclaimer, my faith is the one thing that has given me hope and has helped me through these tough times. But, I’m not gonna be naive/optimistic and hope for the best. Change needs to happen and it begins with us. As I’m writing this, I’m downstairs watching How I Met Your Mother, but I can’t help but notice the yellow tint of the sky from the window overshadowing everything in the living room. If I’m gonna talk about my experience with the current fires though, why not start at the beginning? So here it is.. On Sunday, my family and I decided to get out of the house during this heatwave that reached 115° and so we went to Victoria Gardens in order to try this LA/Philadelphia exclusive shaved ice place, but that’s not relevant (especially because the line was too long and I had a FUSO meeting to go to). Of course, to social distance, we went to a nearby park for a small picnic and no one was there because again it was hot, but that’s also irrelevant. Anyways, we went home after that and everything was good. Until the next day (Labor Day) when news broke out of the Bobcat Fire in Azusa, which was one of over seventy fires in California. Although the cause of the fire is still unknown (unlike the El Dorado Fire which was caused by a gender reveal), within the span of four days, it grew from 8000 to almost 20,000 acres with 0% containment that led to the preparation of a Phase 1 and Phase 2 evacuation order by the City of Monrovia. Within these four days, I never left my house- not even for the mail due to my asthma and my mom not allowing me to (but that’s okay because my introverted self has grown a little too comfortable staying home). Anyways, yesterday, when I looked outside my bedroom window to see the mountain view, it was my first time actually seeing the fire on the mountainside and smoke all over the city. At night, you could see the red flames more clearly. Today, when I went downstairs to make breakfast as usual, I noticed smoke in our house and the smell was so strong I got a headache immediately. We closed the vent in the laundry room and sealed the fireplace so eventually the smell went away. Now the ironic part was how just yesterday, I was texting my friend about how I’ve been staying indoors so that my asthma wouldn’t get triggered yet 2020 decided “why not just bring the smoke to her”. Even more ironically was how on Monday morning, the first thing we turned the TV onto was The Office episode called “Fire”.

You may be thinking that I’m naive and hypocritical for having to experience the effects of climate change (see it) to understand it's an issue (to believe it). However, as mentioned in the disclaimer, I’ve always been concerned about climate change. I just think that certain experiences give us that motivation and insight on how to properly address it. Each and every day, the quote “Climate change is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation”, becomes more and more of a call to action.

If you want to learn more about the issue of climate change and how we can address it:
Watch documentaries and powerful speeches by activists such as Greta Thurnberg.

♡ Julia

October 10, 2020

Disclaimer: I stopped paying attention to the topics I’ve already posted about so I’m pretty sure I’ve already written about mental health before, but it’s become a BIG problem for me lately that I feel like I have so much to say on this issue. As a result, I decided today that I no longer wish to share this account with other people and so I removed that from my Bucket List.

So what else could I possibly have to say about “mental health”? Well let me start by saying that it’s currently 12:04 AM and I am writing this as I cry on my bed. Now, I know writing when I’m crying isn’t the best idea because emotions tend to make me ramble on, but I’m really in need of some rambling. I originally planned to post a huge rant about my job, relationships with my parents, my humor that people get easily offended by, not being able to have full conversations with my grandparents, Reveal Night AND the presidential debates, but I was so busy during those times that I never got around to it and have completely forgot what I was going to say on those topics. Instead, I thought why not rant some more about mental health. So here it is.. I’m currently a soon-to-be declared Accountancy major who is unsure of her decision, a full-time working student who is taking 17 units while working over 8 hours per week while having responsibilities for FUSO E-Board and University Ministry, and overall just someone who is very tired, very alone, and very much in pain. To my family and friends, I know I complain A LOT. That’s my only way of getting out of all of this built up tension and anxiety I feel on a day-to-day basis which has been a lot since I’ve only been getting 4.5 hours of sleep on average. Lately, however, I noticed how tired people must be of me. I FaceTimed Bella earlier and she laughed when I kept apologizing about complaining all the time, I was talking to my family about how tired I was and they asked about how my brother’s day was and how tired he must be, and I went to Palarong Pinoy earlier and whenever I tried saying something, I just immediately regretted it. I’ve reached the point where I’m irritated by the littlest of things and people i love think I’m mad at them when in reality I’m just so tired. I’m tired of feeling like all my relationships are based on conditional love. I’m tired of never asking for the type of help I need. I’m tired of waking up most days wondering what it’s be like to be someone else. I’ve reached the point where I just don’t know who my voice really matters to. I feel alone, anxious, and guilty for feeling this way. My chest, stomach, back, and head have been hurting now more than ever and I don’t know how much more my health and body can take. I genuinely feel like my pain doesn’t matter compared to others and because of this I try to make myself busy in hope that I can forget it even exists. I guess a part of me has always felt that maybe the stress and anxiety I feel now is temporary and will all be worth it one day. But another part of me gets anxious from the fact that there’s a chance that that day will never come. I try to be positive. I try to do better. I just don’t know how much longer I can hold all of this in when me sharing a little bit of how I feel already annoys others. I just want this all to stop but I don’t know how.

♡ Julia

January 1, 2021

Yup you read that correctly. It’s currently January 1, 2021 2:03AM. And yes that is officially the first time that I’ve written down 2021. If you’ve been following my journey and have stumbled upon questions such as why my blog that was intended to be for joyful daily purposes turned to cynical occasional rants, the reason is because I don’t think I’m in the mental state to celebrate the happy things in my life. And the reason is not because they don’t exist. Rather because I have a lot of work that needs to be done to improve myself- mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So until I’m finally in a place where I am able to focus on the good and daily blessing in my life, this dream blog of mine will have to be put on hold. When that day comes, I’ll tell you all about my journey. :)

♡ Julia