About
Kind of Madness ★
A 37 years old bipolar. Knowing was a blast not knowing was a mess. The cure was sought but living with it is the purpose.
Journal of a Troubled Mind
Bipolar Affective Disorder
lately, i've been thinking about so many events that interfered in my life. I've been through a lot of difficulties that affected me as a person. My roll-coaster daily life, emotions and two sided personalty. Who I am!
I figured it so late but it did somehow saved me.
Three years ago, I visited a new doctor after being so upset about my mind and my body, I wanted something to relieve my pain to take all my missed up thoughts away.
So there, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder.
First been treated with Cipralix and Depakine, then after that I got better and they stopped Cipralix and processed with Depakine but after my symptoms got worsen and the doctor prescribed Respradone to shake things little and let it lose.
Now It been one month since using it and i shall say it been good so far, things been on stable line and my phases become less which i consider it very good.Something wrong
It’s been months now, can’t remember how many. I feel like I’m forgetting stuff and things goes down little bit. It’s like a roller coaster 🎢 and I have nothing to do with it, it’s not my choice and I didn’t choose it at all.
I feel so tired, every bone in my body hurts so much and there’s numbness in my neck and fingers. Im going through brain fog, I’m not enjoying the things I used to do.
I can’t relate it to anything, is it bipolar or the hypothyroidism or the transverse myelitis.
I can’t figure anything anymore. I just feel so hopeless and tired from my own body.The Truth
To tell the truth, it's kinda scary living in your own world not knowing how can you pull yourself out of it.
Can you imagine the heavey feelings and your own monsters surrender you and all you can do is fight and pray and hope that your nightmare ends soon.
And all of that without avail, you turn to God you have his mercy, you turn to yourself you drawn in darkness.
Shadows of sorrows and hateful, the hid feeling of loneliness and rejection, bright is always dusk, life is always death.
Can you imagine that!
The Beginning
I was young when I discovered that life is kinda weird around me. No one knew that I was living in two dimension. I should call it that since it was always black and white! Colors were vanished withen them. No one cared at that time.. Their only word would be your weird , act normal or whats up with you , but for me it was more, more than a word to describe it.
A Life with Transverse Myelitis
I had my first symptoms years ago with a Numbness and i didn't give any thought about it that time and continued with my life. In 2013 i went to opthalmologist beceause i couldn't see well but he recumanded me to go to a neurologist which i did and on 20/9/2014 i was admitted in hospital for lumber puncture and MRI and some other tests. The MRI brain was clear, Lumber Puncture was preformed and the CSF was negative for oligoclonal bonds. And while those tests was still going on i've been treated as Multipal secrelosis patient and been given interferon drugs as my doctor orderd. In 2016 i repeted my tests the VEP was abnormal and showed left sided optic neuritis and my MRI cervical spine showed Transverse Myelitis. Through that time and now my symptoms vary from numbness, tiredness, headache, double vision, urinary disturbance, dizzines, neck pain, itching rash, and much more. I actually feel very tired of life and people because no one know how i feel and they still think it's all in the mind. It's depressing that you feel left out and no one their beside you no matter what they say they will always make you feel bad.
Poems & Poetry
لا أشبه نفسي
أظن ان الاضواء قد خفتت ..
ما عاد ذاك الصوت مسموع .. أصبح بإمكاني ان افكر
أجد رهبه في التعمق مع ذاتي .. أحيانا
كأنني أغرق ولا أغرق ..
نعم اشعر انني احب عقلي عندما يتكلم ويتبعثر
ولكن الانغماس فيه احيان لا يبشر بخير
عقل غير هادئ يصمت تارة وتارة يتفجر ..
لا اشبه نفسي عندما انفجر ولا اشبه احدا عندما يذبل عقلي
ارى نفسي ولا ارى نفسي اجد نفسي حيثما لا اتواجد
هائمة .. ضائعة .. متناسيه .. بعيدا عن العالم .. وحيدة
6sep2018 | Thursday
لطخات
وك من مرة اختفى صوتي بين الزحام
لاشيء يذكر ..
سوى لمحات
لطخات فرشاة زيتية غادرت حدود الصورة
طالما نعيش ونحن اموات
لاشيء يذكر ..
طالما هناك زخات مطر تغسل ارواحنا
ف لاشيء يذكر ..
طالما نشعر ولا نشعر
فمن الغباء ان نكسر الصمت بالحديث
والحديث لا نفع له ولا يذكر
45 days ago
أقنعة
سقط قناع ..
تلو الاخر
صوت ارتطام ..
يدوي المكان
بات الامر سهلا
ان ترى وجوه تملؤها الاقنعه
بيضاء، سوداء، ماكرة خبيثه
It's been a long time since the last mask
Mine was a smile over a dead soul
I know what to wear
Everyone loves the funny face
Give'em the laugh ..
A clown that's what it is..
45 days ago
Demons of Past
A Moment..
I've been suffering from depression as long as i know.. i thought i got over it but now i feel so hopeless and so mentally lost .. i got so many questions and thoughts racing in my head and its very upsetting and hard because i can't think and i get so frustrated over easy things and it's affecting my relationships at work and also with my friends and family.
For now I'm having a moment with myself trying to understand whats going on and what should I do.
Since the break down at work I'm trying to figure everything out but It seems so difficult and so hard to coop with what I’m handling.
1july2018 |
Repeating Mistakes!
I feel so tired of myself lately I do the same stupid thing over and over again. I forget what have I said or did and it's very exhusting and frustrating Because it affect my relationship with others. I don't think that others know how i feel and the way i act actually affects me too, people tend to judge by behaivors that i don't remember and its actually affect my mind and myself alot. I hate this incomprehensible feelings.
8july2018 | Sunday
Chaotic
Surely I still feel lost and weird It's not something normal. It's how i feel now and with this feeling comes the fear of something I'm not sure what is it. lt's like drowning in a pound sinking down, I wish i can say a thing about it but i can't and it hurts that I don't know how to express anymore. I smile but it's not true, I laugh out load but it's not me. I hide these feelings in a sneaky way pretending that everything is fine. I wish .. I wish .. It's the idea of being in love with the same feeling you got before but then the guy is not the same !! It's a chaos of feelings and yet its nothing at all. Living in trying to coop with these complicated thoughts can be very hard because you go through the same everyday, everytime wishing it would be easier but it wont ever be. There is so much going in my brain that it feels it's gonna expload and the fact I try to get it out is simple to think but its hard to do. Life can change you but not that expacted change its a thing life do while you watch yourself drowning in your darkness, but its never to late to sail.
16july2018 | Monday
OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE