Kirby Shart - a celebration in mediocrity

"You can't spell SEC without Georgia"

KIRK: I'm here with Kirby Shart, head coach for the Georgia Boondoggles football team. Coach, thanks for your time today.

KIRBY: Thanks Kork. I'm not known for doin' so good under pressure so take it easy on me!

KIRK: I'll be softer than your defense against Florida last year. So Coach, you seem to be unwilling to have the haircut of an adult man. Why is that?

KIRBY: I like to relate to the childrens we recruit. This look is called the 'Alabama Tween.'

KIRK: It's certainly sassy. Speaking of recruiting, that seems to be the one thing you do well. What's your secret?

KIRBY: I pay the childrens.

KIRK: You pay student-athletes to commit to Georgia?

KIRBY: Well, not me directly, that would be impropertuity. My assistants pay the families of the childrens underneath the table, so to speak.

KIRK: Are you concerned about the NCAA hearing about this?

KIRBY: The what?

KIRK: The NCAA. They oversee college athletics.

KIRBY: I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. Oh wait, them the ones who make the commercials with the lady basketball players? All sports is equal and such?

KIRK: ...Yes.

KIRBY: Lot of them girls is taller than me. I don't care for the NCAA or its commercials.

KIRK: Understandable. We asked some fellow coaches what they think of when they hear the name Kirby Shart. Here are some of their responses:

"Three putt"


"Sweaty Mark Richt"

"Why are his hands always so wet?"

KIRBY: That's high praise. I'd like to be known for having the moistest hands in the South.

KIRK: A noble goal. Let's talk about that infamous fake punt. Some say Helen Keller could have seen that coming, even though she's blind and dead.

KIRBY: Hey listen, if Fields had put on the fake mustache that I gave him, that play would have been hidden real good. I don't even know what happened to that kid. Didn't show up for practice last year. But we definitely would have converted 4th and 11 against Alabama.

KIRK: No, but moving on. Last time you played Florida, they scored 44 points on you despite missing their best offensive player for most of the game.

KIRBY: Is... is that a question?

KIRK: No I just wanted to mention it. What do you think Georgia is known best for?

KIRBY: A lot of people would say our famous bubbly sugar water and diabetes, but it is also the birthplace of the KKK. I mention that on tour. And not to brag, but you can also buy pecans on the side of the highway.

KIRK: Georgia won its first national championship in 1942. What was football like back then?

KIRBY: Sadly, no one remembers.

KIRK: Georgia last won a national championship in 1980, more than 40 years ago. What was football like back then?

KIRBY: Sadly, no one remembers. Y'all know Orel Hershiser was on that team?

KIRK: That's...close enough. Blue chip players like Brenton Cox Jr., Justin Fields and Jacob Eason keep transferring AWAY from Georgia.

KIRBY: Yuh huh.

KIRK: Meanwhile, blue chip and five-star athletes like Lorenzo Lingard, Justin Shorter, Trevon Grimes, Jonathan Greenard and Demarkcus Bowman are transferring TO Florida.

KIRBY: Yuh huh.

KIRK: Do you think that's a pretty clear indicator that players know Dan Mullen is a better developer of talent?

KIRBY: Yuh huh, prolly.

KIRK: And indicative of your ceiling as a coach? And maybe a red flag to anyone paying attention?

KIRBY: Yuh huh, but we pay the most athletic childrens pretty good, so I'm not worried.

KIRK: Now that NIL is in effect, and student-athletes at all schools can legally get paid, are you worried that you will lose your one advantage in recruiting?

KIRBY: Wait, what happened?

KIRK: Ask an assistant. Do you have a coaching philosophy?

KIRBY: Our school's motto is "Manti Te'o Kareem Abdul-Jabbar." Bet y'all didn't think I could read ancient Latino! That translates to "Almose Had It, Dangit." I try to bring that to every game.

KIRK: It shows. Do you think you'll ever beat Coach Saban?

KIRBY: Come on man, none of his assistants have ever beaten him. You think me would be first? Can you ever imagine Kirby Shart outcoaching Nick Saban?

KIRK: I really can't. Let's do some fun questions. What's your favorite breed of dog?

KIRBY: Oh man, that's an easy one - I'm a born and breaded Georgia boy! The best breed of dog is a white miniature poodle. Neutered.

KIRK: What do you think about Fugga, the Georgia mascot?

KIRBY: Well, Fugga has trouble going up stairs. And he struggles to breathe even when he's just sittin' there. It's prolly 'cause of all the inbreeding. I think Georgia fans can relate to that though, so he gets a lot of treats. I respect him for that.

KIRK: Favorite Olympic medal?

KIRBY: Bronze

KIRK: Favorite movie character?

KIRBY: Jar Jar Binks

KIRK: Favorite movie?

KIRBY: Godfather Part 3

KIRK: Secret alias?

KIRBY: Joey Bathwater

KIRK: Favorite drink?

KIRBY: Oh I got a good one. You know how whenever we play a better team, we keep it pretty close in the first half?

KIRK: Sure.

KIRBY: But then the other Coach makes half-time adjustments, which I can't do, and we pee all over our own shoes in the second half?

KIRK: Nearly every time.

KIRBY: My drink is one cup blue Gatorade, and one cup expired heavy whipping cream. The cream sinks to the bottom. The blue Gatorade is delicious, you drink that first. Then you drink the heavy whipping cream.

KIRK: This sounds terrible.

KIRBY: Tell you what Kork, it don't matter how hard you pucker your anus, wet stool is gonna squirt down your legs for a full hour. I call this drink "Georgia in the Second Half." It gives you the same game-day experience as being me.

KIRK: Wow. Well, this entire conversation has lived down to my expectations, and I regret every minute of it. I wish you the best.

KIRBY: Thanks Kork, I like soup too. Go Dorgs!

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