I never understood or liked when people said “I love you for the sake of Allah,” nothing about it seemed sincere or real. I was constantly being put in environments where I was known by others before I even knew myself. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. To be liked and admired by people all over for just being me felt really good. It was only naturally for me develop an extroverted and bubbly personality. Both a curse and blessing. Twenty one years of living on a one lane high, fast paced life I finally started reaching speed limit. And a thought had occured to me, I am  where I am now because of the support and love from these people I called my friends, right? But that’s where I was wrong.
Foremost I am where I am in life because of Allah allmighty. All of my success and future success in life had been due to Allah’s will. Behind every slammed door was another door  opened. Second although my friends seem to be disguised as my number one supporters during my journey they only seem to make a grand appearance during the spotlight. Strange? No. Everyone has an agenda and unless it’s in their best interest so say goodbye to Sarah because honey boo boo she can careless about your rare autoimmune disease or the fact that you are emotionally tired…and I wish someone had told a younger version of me this because oh boy does it hurt to lose a friend—wait let rephrase that to lose friends—a community. No heartbreak could have prepared me for this, to think someone finally understands me to then realize no one REALLY understands YOU. Someone can say, “yeah I totally get you sis,” but do you really get me sis. My heart hurts and my emotions are filled with anger but I can’t hate anyone, there’s no one to blame not even myself. Don’t get me wrong I could have done more to kept the friendships, maybe shoot a couple more texts but it hurts when you know you went above and beyond and most importantly you did all you can. But those same people aren’t willing to go the extra mile for you. It’s funny. I created my whole life on this idea of friends. My happiness, success, passion, and satisfaction depended on my friends and there was a moment where I forgot about my own well being, I forgot to ask myself, ask for my permission. Are you willing to fight for her even if it leaves you crippled on the battlefield or worse to break families up? The years I invested in my friends and the months of networking and traveling had only left me alone. Why is it that even though I was constantly surrounded by people I felt so lonely. The amount of friends on Facebook and Instagram could not heal this broken heart. The constant comments of “you’re living the life,” or “so lucky,” no amount of likes could create a true friend—a real friend. Someone who I could count on both my good and bad days. Someone who would not only greet me at the masjid in a not so promising, high pitched voice. Someone who will not be scared when I say I am not okay. Because it’s not always, “ I am doing good.” Someone wants to see real emotions with real reactions.
Save your, “we need to hangout habibti,” for someone else cause I don’t have time to create anymore fake friendship and act like we have 100 things in common when you can barely remember my name. No more fake smiles. No more fake smiles. No more fake smiles. I get it now. It took some 20 something years to understand “I love you for the sake of Allah,” is actually one of the most beautiful thing someone can say to another. There’s a hadith “A best friend is the one who reminds you of Allah, and who reminds Allah of you.” Although my luck in friends haven’t been the strongest I hope Allah blesses us all with someone who we can lean on.