a dump of thoughts that pleads to be spoken out.

this is where it would all go — the worst pains throughout words I cannot say.

until i run out of words.
until I’m done.

until then.

all too well

Cruel world had always been in our way but your light that shone on me have always reminded me that it’s okay, that we’d conquer it together and that we will always have each other for whatever.

Perhaps, I was wrong.

What we had wasn’t easy at all, we already knew that from the very start. We are far different from each other and we live in different worlds, but none of that did matter. I know there were countless times we’d bump on each other’s head and get on each other’s nerves, but I also know that I wouldn’t want to have it in any other way. I still cannot fathom how we had came that far, how I am more than settled and contented for the little world that existed for us yet feels so far away. Indeed, the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve never been so happy because someone loved and accepted me even though you had all the reasons not to — You even managed to wipe all my insecurities away. You honored and praised me in my natural and real form with messed up hair, stressed and a woke-up-like-this face.

And it made me care less about everything around me, even all the material things because nothing’s best than just having you in my life. I knew then, that, whatever struggle in life may be thrown at me or may come along the way, I know for sure I will always make it through as long as I got you with me. That’s how and why I loved you, you made everything easier to handle. I love you more because I have found comfort in your presence despite the distance. That comfort made me love you, and the distance made me love you even more each passing day. Who knew that the comfort I once knew would be the reason why I need comfort now?

You were the breath of fresh air I seek for after being suffocated from all the hardships and struggles in life — the reward that comes after a long and stressful day. So when we decided to call it off, God... I can’t breathe. I was barely holding on. It was so hard that it felt as if I’m being deprived of something that keeps me alive. I suddenly don’t know anything anymore, who and where to run to because you have always been that person. But the person I run to turns to someone I run away from now.

I depended on you too much, didn’t I? My bad. Was it wrong though? When that’s what you made me get used to all along? I got used to it so much to the point it made me question myself “What was I even doing before I met you?”

My love, I was never known as someone religious and my faith is, at times, shaking and questionable. I do not always pray but when you came in my life, there was not a night I did not pray to God to let me keep you longer. It felt so nice and overwhelming that I hoped and prayed for it not to end.

Indeed, God has His own ways and plans — clearly not the same as ours. The path we have paved all this time were only meant to part us away. It lasted. We had to end it. What do I pray for now, love? Help me.

For a while, I know everything will hurt to the point that I cannot distinguish what is painful and what isn’t. But then, I will have to move along with life too as if nothing happened. As if you did not just drag my heart out and took it with you as we both decided to part ways and reach for the stars. What choice do I have anyway?

God... If only I had known that time that that would be the last.. I wouldn’t have been such a sleepy head and taken a nap that time. I would’ve asked you to hug me longer. I would’ve asked you to say you love me for multiple times. I would’ve asked you to tell me more stories. I would’ve enjoyed every second, every minute and every hour of it, everything. And I would’ve begged and asked God to stop the world from spinning. If only.. if only.

It hurts to let you go, but it hurts more to lose myself along the way as we try to get past every thing. Right now, I am slowly learning and trying to accept everything. I know I would still get hurt trying. I will bleed trying. I would still burst from time to time. I will get the urge of wanting to crawl back to you. I will struggle but in time.. I will get there. I will push it all until it’s the dead end. Then I hope to remember all of this as a dream one day, so I’d know how to wake myself up and let it all go whenever waves of memories comes through.

Thankfully, I won’t be alone, although it feels like it. I have the best set of friends who are there for me as I try to contain myself every time I’ll miss you terribly.

As for you, I hope that of all the things that happened, you’ll remember this the most — I am proud of you for breaking me for the right reasons and I have loved, am loving, and will always love you even after all the odds.

Endless thankyous for everything.

I will love you for as long as the time allows me to.

series of dreams

The feeling of missing you comes in like a dream..

Sometimes, it’s like a daydream — clearly not asleep nor fully checked in with reality. Brings me to a wishful thinking of what could have been, foolish as it may seem. It makes me miss the times that we never had and we almost shared. I miss what we never were. It comes with a flicker of hope. But it ends up with thinking and regretting if there were things that I might have left unsaid that would have changed what happened. 

Sometimes, it’s just like a normal dream. The one that takes me back to yesterday. Just enough to make me miss you and all that we did relentlessly such as —

Your presence that brought so much comfort in my life. How we’d clap and dance on each other’s small victories. How you have always best matched my energy. Waking up and calling you first in the morning. Your random calls because you miss me and you can’t sleep. You, flooding me messages whenever I reply late. Your sweet messages that I miss the most. How you’d always run to me first whenever there’s a slight inconvenience on your day. I miss you being my baby who would cry over such pain and would always want to be cuddled. I miss you being silly and playful. Our corny and inside jokes that never failed to brighten up the mood. I miss you getting mad at me for not eating on time. How we’d spend the rest of the night together telling each other stories and watching videos until we decide to sleep. I miss hearing you snore on the other line every time you fall asleep first. How we’d both get dead silent, and I swear — silence had never been that comfortable until you were the person I am sharing it with. I miss being part of your world. And these are only fractions of what you had been for me... I miss everything.

But most of the time, it’s like a nightmare, not that type you get after falling to a deep sleep. Something even worse. It’s kind of a nightmare.. where my eyes and thoughts are wide awake to consume me as I beg for it to stop — it’s a rush of emotions that takes over me and all the pain, all the heartache flashes right before my eyes. Too much to make me almost pick up my phone and call you to tell you how I miss you terribly. Everything in me is awake and aching.

I never thought I would be missing those moments so much. It’s the little things that I always remember, the quiet moments, the craziness, the laughter. It’s the sweet moments that have always helped me in so many ways. Before.

And now those are just the moments that will no longer happen. Those are now just memories that will always make me stop whatever I am doing and make my heart sting. Those memories.. It will no longer make me smile like a fool everytime it plays on my mind.

Because that’s just it.. That was the end of it. You’re no longer with me. This has been both painful and freeing — to let go of the person I loved dearly and to realize that you’re really not for me. That no matter how much I love you, and no matter how much I pray for it, there will always be some things that God wouldn’t give to me.

I will miss you. I will miss myself when I’m with you. I will forever miss us. I will — if I ain’t already missing everything more than anything.

I just hope that we will miss this for only a little while and we’re meant to part ways for now... only so that we could find each other again.

The feeling of missing you comes in like a dream,

Please wake me up.

A month has passed since the last time we talked. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how hard I cried because this time, I knew our farewell was real. I knew that after that day, we wouldn’t talk again, and because of that, I saved the last voice message you sent, the one that makes my heart feel small.

No one would ever understand what you meant to me because of the bumpy road we had. It was far from perfect, but still, we had our little world. We had inside jokes, words that only we knew the meaning to and a sense of humor that only we understood.

Time has passed, and still, it’s hard for me to see all the red flags you had. I knew you wanted me in your life, but not in the way I wanted you in mine. I gave you all of me, and you just gave me halves. You always had secrets, stories that didn’t make sense, excuses, and tales, but I didn’t mind. I wanted you. You and your dark hair and skinny body. You and your energy, your intelligence, your jokes and finally, you and your unique way of making me feel.

Deep inside I knew it wasn’t right. I always knew I deserved better but I didn’t want to let you go. I look back and I blame myself for being naive, thinking I could change your mind. You always knew what you wanted, and what you wanted wasn’t me.

Even though I still care about you, I’ve come to the realization that I deserve better. I deserve a love that can give me all of him, not only a small percentage because the rest of him is emotionally unavailable. I deserve someone that is sure that I am the one he wants to be with. Someone that feels about me the same way I feel about him. Someone who doesn’t make excuses. A man that genuinely wants to meet my family and friends and wants me to meet his friends and make me part of his world.

The day you left, I thought a lot about my future. I thought a lot about the next one that is going to be in my life. I thought about all the things I want and the ones I am missing, and I realized that what I was missing was self-love.

Before being able to love someone and be loved by someone else, I need to love myself first. I need to be my priority and my soulmate. I need to embrace who I am, with all my flaws, scars, talents, quirks, mistakes and dreams. I need to learn how to see my value, and then I’ll be able to identify what I want and how I deserve to be treated.

I’m not going to lie, I miss you. I miss you every day and night, but I know that this time, it’s my time to move on, walk away and love myself again. I deserve to move on.

Day 35

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, to let you go. To let go of the one I thought I would never have to say goodbye to. To let go of the person I loved dearly for the right reasons.

But it was the right thing to do even if it will cause us so many nights of tears and a lot of pain thinking about us.

We had to let go because of things that we have to put first. It was for the greater good.

Who knows? Maybe one day.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

4:13 am —

I miss you.

It’s late again, and all this shit is happening to me. I should be asleep but I cannot sleep because of this deep wave of sadness that crashes on to me because I miss you so bad. It was a kind of miss that makes my heart ache but not as if it’s like breaking or being tore into pieces. It’s more of an ache that makes me feel numb.. and makes me crave for you, and our late night conversations. I want to have those talks again about our day and all the things that happened, whether it was good or bad.
You were always there. You would always listen.

I wonder if that’ll happen again. I wonder when you’d reach out to me again.. but I know that day would never ceased to come. But I also hope it will.

Will I ever be okay again?

“You will be okay. I know.”

How? How were you so sure?

48 days long gone, still I remember everything and not an ounce of me is okay.

I will love you the same way I love the moon. From a distance and with great longing.

you know it’s true

christmas of 2019

you sang this for me on your karaoke. with all your heart and kwak voice. i cried because i can really feel that that song was really meant to be sang by you for me.

summer of 2020

quietly sitting on our couch and i heard this on the radio. It immediately brought me to tears as it made me remember you and everything else, once again. I was crying so hard I failed to hide it from my dad who’s sitting next to me.

I don’t think I’ll ever hear this song again without making me think of you.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/liane-white/2019/05/this-is-me-accepting-there-is-no-more-us/

My pain isn’t poetic, it was more of sleepless nights and crying a bucket of tears at daylight

It’s my birthday. I’m crying. It’s the first time I cried on my birthday. I’m hurting. I’m grateful. I miss you. I wish you’re still here with me.

Happy (?) 21st birthday, Liya! You can stop crying now, start a new beginning. Please be strong.

two months and nine days

I miss you sorely.

I miss Sundays with you.

I miss you, but I will never ever tell you that.

God, i miss you, but I will never reread our old conversations even if i badly wanted to. I wanted to trace back your messages to see if you might miss me too. I wanted to check them one by one in case there were things written behind the lines—like a code I must decipher just to have you back. But before I could find the secret hint of hope, I might slip and send you a wave, and that's the last thing I would ever do.

I miss you and instead of letting you know, I would write my thoughts again and let my heart bleed with words only you could give.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I wish it's that easy to tell you.

Kamusta ka na? Ilang buwan na din, ano? Ang bilis lang pala. Pero araw araw pakiramdam ko parang ang bagal ng lahat. Ang bagal ng galaw ng mundo ko. Mabagal, magulo. Wala pa din pag usad. Alam mo ba, wala pang araw na hindi kita naisip. Kahit anong gawin ko, papasok at papasok ka talaga sa isipan ko. Ikaw din kaya, gano’n? Gusto ko isipin na ganon ka din. Kaso hindi eh. Hindi mo na ako kinausap. Hindi mo nga din ako binati nung birthday ko eh. Wala ka man lang paramdam, kahit isang beses. Gano’n nalang talaga ‘no? Ang lungkot. ‘Di ba sabi mo, ayaw mo na malungkot ako? Pero ikaw yung dahilan bakit ang lungkot lungkot ko. Ang hirap, it feels like something inside me is missing. You left a big void in my heart. I feel empty. I can’t believe how it is so possible to feel so heavy and empty at the same time. Paano na yun? Paano ba? Alam mo, ang dami kong gusto i kwento. Dami ko gusto sabihin. Sobrang dami. Gusto ko umiyak sa’yo. Gusto ko din tumawa. Dami na nangyari eh. Miss na miss kita. Miss na miss kita kausap. Sobra, walang mapaglagyan. Kung bibigyan siguro ako ng isa pang araw para makausap ka, kulang na kulang yun para tumbasan yung mga araw na hindi na tayong dalawa at wala ka na. Ang hirap. Ang sakit sakit, hindi ko alam gagawin ko. Wala akong magawa eh. Paano ba? ‘Di bale na, bahala na lang siguro. Bahala na kung ano’ng mangyari at kung saan dalhin.

Sa lahat ng nangyari, nangyayari at mangyayari, isasama kita parati. Pati sa pangarap at dasal ko. Ipagpapasalamat ko na naging akin ka. Salamat. Maraming salamat.

when I was drowning, that’s when I can finally breathe

Finally, After

This will be the last time I will write something about you, after all.

After all the I love you’s and I miss you’s.

After all the fights, sorrys and make ups.

After all the promises and breaking it.

After everything we’ve been through.

After all the things that’s been said and done.

After you made a fool out of me on April fool’s day.

After making me feel that I was never a reason to stay.

After you left me.

After multiple tries of reaching out to you, and all I got was no answer from you — that’s when I thought, that we are really over. That you don’t want to talk to me again. That there’s no more chance for us to get back. That you are no longer mine. That you just threw it all out like it was nothing.

After crying a bucket of tears.

After sleepless nights.

After countless times of questioning myself and wondering where did it all went wrong, what we’ve done for this relationship to come to an end..

After being weak and miserable for days, weeks and months.

After trying everything to ease the pain

After waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

After believing that we’ll still get back together.

After picking up all the broken pieces of me.

After so much sufferings.

After all the bruises and big void you caused in my life.

And after some months, I finally felt it. I finally felt the feeling of being over of all the things that happened. I am finally way past crying over you leaving me. I am finally back on my senses again. After all.

Finally, after everything,

I finally got myself back up. I finally got to redeem my old self, but way better and stronger.

I finally get to have a long and tight sleep without the need to cry so my eyes would get weary and close on its own. I finally don’t wake up only to weep and cry again.

I’m finally done. I give up. And though I still miss you, and still not regret loving you. I finally don't think I want you back anymore. I finally don’t have the hopes.

I am finally over the world that I knew, but I swear I won’t forget you.

I only have now and I know now,

that there’s no more you, only after you.

Thank you.

half a year half hearted

Yup, here again.

Six months. It’s been six months.

What happened to me in the past six months without you? You missed so much already, my grumpy love.

Well, to start off from where we ended, a lot has happened after we broke up. That time.. the whole country was in full alert and chaos due to the pandemic the world’s currently facing and all other stuff that exposed how cruel this world we live in is. I badly want to involve myself on what is happening but I just couldn’t care though, because I know I have my own chaos to deal with.

I did what I have to do. I did what a person dealing with the same pain had to do.

Later that month, I learned that I got qualified for a college scholarship in which I am entitled to only pay half of my tuition fees. Sounds great, right? I know I should be happy with this achievement but it was over powered by the feeling of weariness and emptiness. I tried showing them how fulfilling it was but it was all just a make believe. My outsides were cool but I know the insides were feeling blue because I just couldn’t share it with the person who were there cheering for me all the way during those times I was struggling from all the pressure and procrastination acads have brought. You have no idea how much I tried to stop myself from telling you this news.

There are still times where I just want to cry it all out again and again just to ease the pain but there are no more tears left to cry. Days and nights passed by where I don’t want to move an inch at all and just stay under my blanket.

I always think to myself, what if we both stayed and conquered all the struggles that were thrown at us that time? Only if we both just fought harder and held on a little longer. Would this whole quarantine be more bearable and less exhausting as it is right now if we’re still on and we did not just gave up the love we had and broken up? Just... what if? Would it still be the same? I don’t know, probably just like any other nights where in we’re both on the phone.. lying in our beds, telling each other stories about how our day went. We would probably be laughing our asses right now over the song “ikaw ra gang” because I know how much you hate jeje songs but still ends up jamming on it anyway because you can’t get it out of your head. Or perhaps, watching the new posted vlog of Mimiyuuuh because we both love and adore her so much we didn’t miss any vlog of her before and we both wouldn’t let the other watch it alone ‘cause that’s cheating.

You know, I’m still puzzled about myself after we’ve broken up. I always wonder how and why I didn’t feel any anger towards you for leaving me so soon when I get so mad and stressed in just one snap over petty reasons. I really must have loved you so much I just couldn’t get mad even after all?

I don’t think I’ll ever forget you and your love, and even if I’d be given a chance...I wouldn’t want to.

Six months. It’s been six months. And here I am still crying and longing for you. My outsides got better, but my insides never did.

merry christmas, you were the best gift i received last year. even before the holidays came.

OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE