a dump of thoughts that pleads to be spoken out.

this is where it would all go — the best and worst throughout words I cannot say.

until i run out of words.
until I’m done.

until then.

The feeling of missing you comes in like a dream..

Sometimes, it’s like a daydream — clearly not asleep nor fully checked in with reality. Brings me to a wishful thinking of what could have been, foolish as it may seem. It makes me miss the times that we never had and we almost shared. I miss what we never were. It comes with a flicker of hope. But it ends up with thinking and regretting if there were things that I might have left unsaid that would have changed what happened. 

Sometimes, it’s just like a normal dream. The one that takes me back to yesterday. Just enough to make me miss you and all that we did relentlessly such as —

Your presence that brought so much comfort in my life. How we’d clap and dance on each other’s small victories. How you have always best matched my energy. Waking up and calling you first in the morning. Your random calls because you miss me and you can’t sleep. You, flooding me messages whenever I reply late. Your sweet messages that I miss the most. How you’d always run to me first whenever there’s a slight inconvenience on your day. I miss you being my baby who would cry over such pain and would always want to be cuddled. I miss you being silly and playful. Our corny and inside jokes that never failed to brighten up the mood. I miss you getting mad at me for not eating on time. How we’d spend the rest of the night together telling each other stories and watching videos until we decide to sleep. I miss hearing you snore on the other line every time you fall asleep first. How we’d both get dead silent, and I swear — silence had never been that comfortable until you were the person I am sharing it with. I miss being part of your world. And these are only fractions of what you had been for me... I miss everything.

But most of the time, it’s like a nightmare, not that type you get after falling to a deep sleep. Something even worse. It’s kind of a nightmare.. where my eyes and thoughts are wide awake to consume me as I beg for it to stop — it’s a rush of emotions that takes over me and all the pain, all the heartache flashes right before my eyes. Too much to make me almost pick up my phone and call you to tell you how I miss you terribly. Everything in me is awake and aching.

I never thought I would be missing those moments so much. It’s the little things that I always remember, the quiet moments, the craziness, the laughter. It’s the sweet moments that have always helped me in so many ways. Before.

And now those are just the moments that will no longer happen. Those are now just memories that will always make me stop whatever I am doing and make my heart sting. Those memories.. It will no longer make me smile like a fool everytime it plays on my mind.

Because that’s just it.. That was the end of it. You’re no longer with me. This has been both painful and freeing — to let go of the person I loved dearly and to realize that you’re really not for me. That no matter how much I love you, and no matter how much I pray for it, there will always be some things that God wouldn’t give to me.

I will miss you. I will miss myself when I’m with you. I will forever miss us. I will — if I ain’t already missing everything more than anything.

I just hope that we will miss this for only a little while and we’re meant to part ways for now... only so that we could find each other again.

The feeling of missing you comes in like a dream,

Please wake me up.

A month has passed since the last time we talked. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how hard I cried because this time, I knew our farewell was real. I knew that after that day, we wouldn’t talk again, and because of that, I saved the last voice message you sent, the one that makes my heart feel small.

No one would ever understand what you meant to me because of the bumpy road we had. It was far from perfect, but still, we had our little world. We had inside jokes, words that only we knew the meaning to and a sense of humor that only we understood.

Time has passed, and still, it’s hard for me to see all the red flags you had. I knew you wanted me in your life, but not in the way I wanted you in mine. I gave you all of me, and you just gave me halves. You always had secrets, stories that didn’t make sense, excuses, and tales, but I didn’t mind. I wanted you. You and your dark hair and skinny body. You and your energy, your intelligence, your jokes and finally, you and your unique way of making me feel.

Deep inside I knew it wasn’t right. I always knew I deserved better but I didn’t want to let you go. I look back and I blame myself for being naive, thinking I could change your mind. You always knew what you wanted, and what you wanted wasn’t me.

Even though I still care about you, I’ve come to the realization that I deserve better. I deserve a love that can give me all of him, not only a small percentage because the rest of him is emotionally unavailable. I deserve someone that is sure that I am the one he wants to be with. Someone that feels about me the same way I feel about him. Someone who doesn’t make excuses. A man that genuinely wants to meet my family and friends and wants me to meet his friends and make me part of his world.

The day you left, I thought a lot about my future. I thought a lot about the next one that is going to be in my life. I thought about all the things I want and the ones I am missing, and I realized that what I was missing was self-love.

Before being able to love someone and be loved by someone else, I need to love myself first. I need to be my priority and my soulmate. I need to embrace who I am, with all my flaws, scars, talents, quirks, mistakes and dreams. I need to learn how to see my value, and then I’ll be able to identify what I want and how I deserve to be treated.

I’m not going to lie, I miss you. I miss you every day and night, but I know that this time, it’s my time to move on, walk away and love myself again. I deserve to move on.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, to let you go. To let go of the one I thought I would never have to say goodbye to. To let go of the person I loved dearly for the right reasons.

But it was the right thing to do even if it will cause us so many nights of tears and a lot of pain thinking about us.

We had to let go because of things that we have to put first. It was for the greater good.

Who knows? Maybe one day.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

It’s my birthday. I’m crying. It’s the first time I cried on my birthday. I’m hurting. I’m grateful. I miss you. I wish you’re still here with me.

Happy (?) 21st birthday, Liya! You can stop crying now, start a new beginning. Please be strong.

I miss Sundays with you.

when I was drowning, that’s when I can finally breathe

This will be the last time I will write something about you, after all.

After all the I love you’s and I miss you’s.

After all the fights, sorrys and make ups.

After all the promises and breaking it.

After everything we’ve been through.

After all the things that’s been said and done.

After you made a fool out of me on April fool’s day.

After making me feel that I was never a reason to stay.

After you left me.

After multiple tries of reaching out to you, and all I got was no answer from you — that’s when I thought, that we are really over. That you don’t want to talk to me again. That there’s no more chance for us to get back. That you are no longer mine. That you just threw it all out like it was nothing.

After crying a bucket of tears.

After sleepless nights.

After countless times of questioning myself and wondering where did it all went wrong, what we’ve done for this relationship to come to an end..

After being weak and miserable for days, weeks and months.

After trying everything to ease the pain

After waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

After believing that we’ll still get back together.

After picking up all the broken pieces of me.

After so much sufferings.

After all the bruises and big void you caused in my life.

And after some months, I finally felt it. I finally felt the feeling of being over of all the things that happened. I am finally way past crying over you leaving me. I am finally back on my senses again. After all.

Finally, after everything,

I finally got myself back up. I finally got to redeem my old self, but way better and stronger.

I finally get to have a long and tight sleep without the need to cry so my eyes would get weary and close on its own. I finally don’t wake up only to weep and cry again.

I’m finally done. I give up. And though I still miss you, and still not regret loving you. I finally don't think I want you back anymore. I finally don’t have the hopes.

I am finally over the world that I knew, but I swear I won’t forget you.

I only have now and I know now,

that there’s no more you, only after you.

Thank you.

half a year half hearted

Yup, here again.

Six months. It’s been six months.

What happened to me in the past six months without you? You missed so much already, my love.

Well, to start off from where we ended, a lot has happened after we broke up. That time.. the whole country was in full alert and chaos due to the pandemic the world’s currently facing and all other stuff that exposed how cruel this world we live in is. I badly want to involve myself on what is happening but I just couldn’t care though, because I know I have my own chaos to deal with.

I did what I have to do. I did what a person dealing with the same pain had to do.

Later that month, I learned that I got qualified for a college scholarship in which I am entitled to only pay half of my tuition fees. Sounds great, right? I know I should be happy with this achievement but it was over powered by the feeling of weariness and emptiness. I tried showing them how fulfilling it was but it was all just a make believe. My outsides were cool but I know the insides were feeling blue because I just couldn’t share it with the person who were there cheering for me all the way during those times I was struggling from all the pressure and procrastination acads have brought. You have no idea how much I tried to stop myself from telling you this news.

There are still times where I just want to cry it all out again and again just to ease the pain but there are no more tears left to cry. Days and nights passed by where I don’t want to move an inch at all and just stay under my blanket.

I always think to myself, what if we both stayed and conquered all the struggles that were thrown at us that time? Only if we both just fought harder and held on a little longer. Would this whole quarantine be more bearable and less exhausting as it is right now if we’re still on and we did not just gave up the love we had and broken up? Just... what if? Would it still be the same? I don’t know, probably just like any other nights where in we’re both on the phone.. lying in our beds, telling each other stories about how our day went. We would probably be laughing our asses right now over the song “ikaw ra gang” because I know how much you hate jeje songs but still ends up jamming on it anyway because you can’t get it out of your head. Or perhaps, watching the new posted vlog of Mimiyuuuh because we both love and adore her so much we didn’t miss any vlog of her before and we both wouldn’t let the other watch it alone ‘cause that’s cheating.

You know, I’m still puzzled about myself after we’ve broken up. I always wonder how and why I didn’t feel any anger towards you for leaving me so soon when I get so mad and stressed in just one snap over petty reasons. I really must have loved you so much I just couldn’t get mad even after all?

I don’t think I’ll ever forget you and your love, and even if I’d be given a chance...I wouldn’t want to.

Six months. It’s been six months. And here I am still crying and longing for you. My outsides got better, but my insides never did.