Light Bearer was created to provide a safe space for people going through major shifts in their lives. No matter the subject, If it feels heavy or confusing, it’s worth paying it some attention.

Before I start I want you to know one thing; I do not hold anger, blame, frustration or resentment towards anyone that ‘gifted’ me with the experiences that I’ve had. I say ‘gifted’ because I understand that nothing is inherently good or bad, it’s simply our perspective. That’s not to say that while you’re experiencing or even after your experiences, you don’t feel these emotions, because believe me, I know you do. I’ve learnt to put it down, to let go, in order to heal. My healing involved finding the silver lining of each and every pain I’ve had to endure to see the gift that it presented me with.

For the first 4 years of my life, my dad was addicted to drugs and alcohol & sadly committed suicide.
It’s crazy how clever the body + mind is. For years I would say the words ‘oh he’s not alive’ but the emotional connection to what I was saying didn’t happen. Only once I got to my early 20’s my body decided it was time to connect again; cue the beginning of healing loosing him; my fallen Angel.

Aged 7 my step dad is introduced to my life. There was a lot of friction between him and I as well as my brother growing up and by aged 16 both my brother and I left home to live in government supported accommodation.

Coupling the family breakdown with a few traumatic experiences of my own, that I didn’t have the courage to talk about, I was staying as strong & ‘together’ as I could. Being catapulted into adulthood and having to learn to live independently meant I was constantly on survival mode. I did my best to live a ‘care free’ teenage life, but my stability & responsibilities always came first. I made sure my bills and rent were paid on time, heck I even took out home insurance…at 16!
Apart from the support I had from a youth club I attended and later volunteered at, I don’t remember any of the support workers that watched over me. This is where my passion for being a shoulder to lean on for others started. I didn’t want anyone to feel the way I did, ever. I understood how important these people are to someone in my situation at that time…

For years after leaving home, I had little to no contact with my family. This was hard. I’m an incredibly stubborn person when I’m passionate about something I believe in, and I believed that I deserved better than the neglect and gas lighting I was forever being confronted with. Having no contact was my boundary with them. My family were the only people I was able to enforce a boundary with. My first boyfriend was at 16 (although looking back now, this was not a relationship, but rather a situationship, and an incredibly toxic one at that) I didn’t enforce any boundaries with him since I hadn’t ever had a role model show me what a healthy relationship looked like. I was cheated on constantly, mistreated, manipulated, gas lighted and incredibly heart broken; oh to be young and experience the pain of heartbreak. He was one of my biggest teenage lessons.

Fast forward 4 years to Liberatus, the private dance school that had taken me years to save for. Little council estate girl in supported housing at a private dance school, and on her own admission. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve always had in mind that, in person, I am not what I am on paper. Professionals would see my history and expect a certain type of person to stand before them, I pride myself on the fact that this isn’t the case. I didn’t want to fall prey to the system I found myself in, so I kept a clear vision in mind for my life.
After a year and a half at dance school, I was asked to leave in the new year. I wasn’t able to afford the fees for a second year, so they quietly let me stay for free knowing what being there meant to me. But their own financial situation meant they couldn’t afford to keep me on any longer. I was absolutely destroyed, the anger and resentment consumed me. The worst part about that point in my life, was this was only beginning of the gooey centre in my time line, and I had no idea.

I never had an issue with substance abuse like many of the family around me, however I had my own crutch, that boys at aged 16 and dance school emphasised tenfold; food.

During my mid 20’s I dedicated all of my time to my self awareness, I have many food intolerances and allergies that for years went undiagnosed. The year I left dance school I abused food terribly. I gained 3 stone in a matter of 2 months and my health was deteriorating by the day. During my healing all the research and training indicated that our emotional and traumatic experiences often trigger intolerances and allergies within the body. If you look back to when the intolerances started and what was happening in your life at that time, you’ll often find the two time lines coincide. If we ignore the signs long enough, our body resorts to this as a way of calling out for help, saying “hello, please listen to me, we really need to look at this..”.

A year of spiralling with no direction in sight, I broke. I was in my second relationship that was failing but I clung on for the stability. My health was diminishing and my mindset was incredibly negative & toxic. Being here only postponed the healing my body was trying so hard to present me with. During this year I accidentally fell pregnant. When unknown complications left me experiencing contractions for 3 weeks, heart wrenchingly I resulted to having an abortion, this absolutely crippled me for months to come. By the December, my mind, body and soul couldn’t do another day.

I finally had my enough was enough moment. For things to change, I had to stop waiting for someone to save me and save myself. I kept it simple, tackling one thing at a time, starting with my body. I knew how important moving the body was so I began working out regularly. This shift in my energy was the catalyst for everything that was to come. If you know about manifesting and the law of attraction, then you’ll understand when I say I attracted the people, circumstances and modalities that set me well onto my path of true inner healing.
It all started with self compassion and self love. The two things I had none of…