I just learned that even if everyone is rooting for you, the only thing that will matter is you, rooting for yourself.

I get these bad anxiety attacks so for me to manage them I'm making this my outlet. Where I can express myself freely without judgement and for people to hear my story. I am hoping the readers will find a friend through my writing.

I am not a professional, I am just a normal person trying to get by every day so I can be healthy for myself and for the people that I love. I'm doing this, because I want to be emotionally stable and have an emotional space for my loved ones.

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"I love myself less and less when I eat more"-

In my 23 years of being alive, I have been haunted by my thoughts. Thoughts about my weight, about my life struggles, and my flaws. There are times I try to pause and reflect on these things on my good days. However, during my bad days I experience anxiety and hyperventilation. Well, right now, I am writing this because I feel that my chest is painful and I cannot breath properly. There can be a lot of reasons why I experience these but mainly they're because of my thoughts.

People might say, toughen up, you're weak, you're too sensitive or you're acting like a baby. Anxiety is not a joke, sometimes I feel like my world is crumbling and I do not know where to start fixing the broken pieces. Everyday it's as if I have to patch myself up, and try to be strong not just for myself but especially for my loved ones. It is truly difficult, hiding away your fears and worries, and tears that are ready to stream down your face. It's hard to demand emotional space and I don't blame anyone for not running to my side and be a shoulder to cry on everytime I break. But a person who has anxiety needs a cane to hold on to that will keep him or her from stumbling. Sometimes, I start to panic because even though I have the strongest support system, I still feel like a burden and it causes me to distance myself. When I start feeling like that, my world starts to darken and that cane disappears which I feel like I am continuously falling, without any safety net.

Having weight problems in society are oftentimes connected to "being such a girl" for even thinking of how fat and imperfect you are. While other people make comments about how your weight can be your downfall and that makes you less valuable or lovable. In my case, my family were that kind of people. I forgive them and I know they were not trying to hurt me with their comments, yet it still affected me badly. That's why as years passed, my self confidence also diminished. The emptiness is now full of self doubt and the feeling of not being enough. I have been traumatized and I admit it now, that all these years it lead me to believe that my weight defines my happiness and my value. Right now, when I eat I feel guilty and imperfect. People should eat and that is just normal but for me, I feel guilty everytime i eat "a lot" and I get happy whenever I eat less and less. I know I have a somewhat of a disorder, but I don't know if I'm ready to admit it to the world. It took me years to realize it, I don't know how many years will it take me to be at peace with it.

So for anyone experiencing these debilitating thoughts, you're not alone. Anyone can be experiencing it and everytime you take a bite just remember that every bite is another chance for you to live.

Hugs

photo from: https://pin.it/5iOCuff

Self care thoughts

Best day is self care day, and it can be everyday

It's 9:30 in a gloomy Sunday morning and I'm trying to build a routine to make myself feel that I am in control of my day. One thing to keep yourself sane in this messy world full of shitty government officials and a pandemic that we don't know when it will end, is to have a routine every day. This might seem boring to you and redundant, but it will really calm you down and it's one way of taking care of yourself. You will feel more accomplished when you have done the mundane things like exercising (it doesn't need to be 1 hour of sweat), eat your breakfast, and take a bath. After this you'll feel more motivated to do bigger errands such as buying your groceries, cleaning your house or even studying (like me). I love to procrastinate so I'm trying this to make myself motivated and feel loved also.

This routine is not just your obligation for the day, it is a build up to love yourself more, a self care.By doing this you keep yourself focused and healthy each day and you get to make yourself feel loved. It took me awhile to really let go and not make a list in my head of the things I have to do. However, i realized that with all the to do list and planning it didn't have anything to keep myself loved and happy. It was all errands that made me anxious and it caused me to not even finish anything that caused more anxiety and frustration. It led me to hate myself ,so now I am taking control and doing the things that makes me feel loved and relaxed. I deserve it and so do you.

Yes, it's difficult to keep the routine, I wake up late and sometimes it's really difficult to wake up and get out of bed. Well, during these times you will also learn to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for asking for another hour to sleep, that you did not workout yet because you had to sit and watch tv or scroll through your social media accounts. It's okay, the focus of having a routine is to make you calm and have the ability to control our day and not spiral into the pit of agony. You can always start again the next day or after you snapped out of your anxious thoughts(like what oftentimes happen to me). Forgive yourself, because forgiving yourself means accepting you're just a human being capable of making a lot of mistakes (over and over).

Don't pressure yourself also, just do it because it makes you feel relax. If it doesn't work then it's okay too. As long as you keep on looking for ways to love yourself, you're in the right path already.

hugs

photo from: https://pin.it/4sr157H

Deep Talk Thoughts —

Conversations you thought you didn't need

Why are conversations important? My family kept bugging me about why don't I talk to them that much. 'What's wrong with me?' that's what they always say.

Conversations are very important, this is where you really learn a lot about something or someone. During conversations you are allowed to pour your hearts out in a safe space. Me and my boyfriend talk as much as possible, especially if it's about how we feel. I sometimes hesitate because nowadays my thoughts contain heavy and negative topics. I don't want to burden my partner with all the negativity and ruin his day also. But what I have learned from our relationship, is to always share even though you might think that. This is your way, especially for women to let your partners understand you. Build a relationship where your partner would not tiptoe and second guess how you feel. They are not fortune tellers and mind readers, you have to tell them how you feel and why you feel like that. In that way, they will know how to handle you and take care of you better.

However, it is different when it comes to families. My family, can be very close minded about certain topics. I grew up with the notion that I cannot share my opinions because they're invalid due to my age. So when i got older, I didn't have much to share with my family. I don't know what topics we can vibe with and I was terrified to be scolded if I open up about certain discussions. That's why parents should talk to their children as much as possible while they're young. So that, the children will be comfortable sharing their thoughts and you will be able to guide them until they grow older. Now that I am a young adult, I have my own beliefs and principles, and some of them do not coincide with my parents' beliefs and principles. That's why I feel like I have been carrying a heavy burden and hiding some parts of me.

Even if we're old enough to live alone. We still need to build a relationship with our parents. I am trying to rebuild a bridge to this large gap between me and my parents. I want them to relate to me and for me to understand where they're coming from. We have to forgive them in some parts, because while they were raising us there might be circumstances that made them that kind of parents. My parents started young and they were still in college when they had me. So they really started with nothing, we lived in a small room with no toilet (we just go to my aunt's house which is 2 houses away from us). Because of this experience they focused more on work and tried to give me a better education. Meanwhile, my mom reminded me every day not to make the same mistake she had done by getting pregnant early. They were strict and overprotective of me, that I was not even allowed to sleep over even after college. I had to earn their trust which they slowly started now that I am working. Because of those things, it threw a large gap between me and my mom, I always saw her as paranoid and I thought she didn't love me as much because she didn't let me experience those things. I tried everything to get away from them and have my independence.

However, as I grow older I realized the sacrifices they had made for me. That it wasn't just me who was traumatized and struggling, my parents were also suffering. I was not able to see it at first, because I was so caught up about my wants and the need to be a child. They too, were also young adults with lives way ahead of them but stopped because they had me. I know it wasn't my fault and they have their faults too but because of everything they had experienced, they became the parents that they are now. They have to be that kind of parents, for me to grow and live a life they couldn't have.

That's why children also have the responsibility to get to know their parents on a deeper level. Because your parents made who you are, maybe some ugly or beautiful parts but they're still you. Even if I'm older now, I am trying to let them in and share to them some of my thoughts so they will be able to understand me and why I am often distant to them.

Hey, maybe try to strike a conversation with your mom and dad. It's not too late.

hugs

photo from: https://pin.it/7AcZ3om

Unexpected Thoughts

If you're not okay, then you're entitled to that. But promise yourself you will not give up

There are instances in your life that you will feel that nothings is happening the way you planned it. It's as if the world is against you and somehow wants to see you suffer. But maybe it's just about perspective, who knows, right?

Today I got a news that really destroyed my plans, and i was really trying so hard to be ready for it and condition myself to be ready to take it. However, it got cancelled and a lot it took me by surprise and I got confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know if it was just the world trying to test me how long i can hold on to. I feel sad and disappointed about what happened. My week was already planned and the following month too. I am to eager to change my life, but maybe it's a sign that i should step back and slow down. Look at the bigger picture and pause for a little or maybe it was another chance for me to improve more.

Should I just sulk and cry about it or should I use this extra time to my advantage? I already had a mental breakdown back then, i think it's time for me to rise to the challenge. I have to be strong, I have to focus on my goals and be able to continuously walk in the right path. I shouldn't consider myself unlucky, I should consider myself lucky. I have a lot of things to improve on and I will use the extra time to be better.

I've been thinking, a lot of people when you ask them for an advice they might tell you: you deserve the break hon or you just have to keep moving. Right now I'm so confused where to start, should I take a break or just keep on moving? Because if I stop for a minute, I will break and it's so hard for me to get back up. However, if I keep moving I feel like I'll burnout and there will be nothing left of me. Crazy right? But i know I'll be okay, because I'm still trying to find the right choice for myself to get out of this shitty hole.

hugs for everyone

photo from: https://pin.it/PG4UqxS

Tired and Confused

i have flaws and that is why i should forgive myself

Can someone feel empty and sad at the same time? Do you feel like at any moment you want to break down and you just want someone to hold you or lift you up. But at the same time you don't want to talk to people or open up to someone.

Sometimes I ask myself what else is missing? Why do I feel like this? I know there's something wrong I just couldn't put my finger what.

I couldn't even remember when was the last time I laugh or smiled about something, but i know that I cried over something and nothing a dozen times more. I have a headache right now, because I have this annoying feeling that I don't do much and I am needy. I hate myself for feeling those things, I pride myself to be independent and to only need myself when everything feels like falling apart. But right now, I am numbed, confused and tired. What should I do? Who do I call for help? Should I cry my eyes out? Because for some reason I can't, I can't cry.

My boyfriend keep telling me i should learn how to forgive myself and to take a break. But everytime i give myself a break, immediately that annoying voice keeps telling me I'm wasting time resting. That I am not enough and that if I stop even just for a second I will fail. The idea of failing doesn't scare me, I failed a lot. It's the consequences if I fail. It's the people that will get affected I am worried about if I fail. Failing is natural and inevitable in life. But the consequences, they will knock you down hard and there wouldn't be any chances for you to get back up.

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