In my 23 years of being alive, I have been haunted by my thoughts. Thoughts about my weight, about my life struggles, and my flaws. There are times I try to pause and reflect on these things on my good days. However, during my bad days I experience anxiety and hyperventilation. Well, right now, I am writing this because I feel that my chest is painful and I cannot breath properly. There can be a lot of reasons why I experience these but mainly they're because of my thoughts.
People might say, toughen up, you're weak, you're too sensitive or you're acting like a baby. Anxiety is not a joke, sometimes I feel like my world is crumbling and I do not know where to start fixing the broken pieces. Everyday it's as if I have to patch myself up, and try to be strong not just for myself but especially for my loved ones. It is truly difficult, hiding away your fears and worries, and tears that are ready to stream down your face. It's hard to demand emotional space and I don't blame anyone for not running to my side and be a shoulder to cry on everytime I break. But a person who has anxiety needs a cane to hold on to that will keep him or her from stumbling. Sometimes, I start to panic because even though I have the strongest support system, I still feel like a burden and it causes me to distance myself. When I start feeling like that, my world starts to darken and that cane disappears which I feel like I am continuously falling, without any safety net.
Having weight problems in society are oftentimes connected to "being such a girl" for even thinking of how fat and imperfect you are. While other people make comments about how your weight can be your downfall and that makes you less valuable or lovable. In my case, my family were that kind of people. I forgive them and I know they were not trying to hurt me with their comments, yet it still affected me badly. That's why as years passed, my self confidence also diminished. The emptiness is now full of self doubt and the feeling of not being enough. I have been traumatized and I admit it now, that all these years it lead me to believe that my weight defines my happiness and my value. Right now, when I eat I feel guilty and imperfect. People should eat and that is just normal but for me, I feel guilty everytime i eat "a lot" and I get happy whenever I eat less and less. I know I have a somewhat of a disorder, but I don't know if I'm ready to admit it to the world. It took me years to realize it, I don't know how many years will it take me to be at peace with it.
So for anyone experiencing these debilitating thoughts, you're not alone. Anyone can be experiencing it and everytime you take a bite just remember that every bite is another chance for you to live.
Hugs
photo from: https://pin.it/5iOCuff