My life is held together most days by a bobby pin....

That lucky bobby pin was likely found on my messy bedroom floor!

So yes most days my life is held together with a bobby pin that I happened to find on my bedroom floor; no lol days are hard but not as hard as they where in active addiction where a bobby pin seemed like the only damn thing holding my entire life together now though several times a day I whisper to myself "wtf Amie" pull it together it's a bad few days but it damn sure is better then dope sick, emotional roller coasters and damaging the relationships with my loved ones. Sobriety is a close runner up to motherhood when it comes to the hardest things I have ever done in my lifetime; rewarding absoultely absoufuckinglutely but hard real fucking hard. REAL TALK; you have to chase sobriety like you did your dope man period! You have to work at sobriety every day untrain your mind to reach for anything near by to numb the emotions and thats a bitch let me say it again feeling emotions GOSH despise it what it is part of the human genetic make up those emotions it is ok it's normal to fee, so feel that shit dont numb it in sobriety you utilize your coping skills and with God's grace you make it over the steps stones first move the small stones first and slowly one day when you are ready RAWR babbyy and with Gods grace move those big ass mountains.......

Meet My Mess —

and the dash in between that made me the women I am today.....

Your story isn't over yet "suicide" the stigma society has built around it disgust me......asking for help and talking about"mental health" is normal but not the way society sees it & that is utter BS what is the stigma I believe society has deeemd on suicide and mental health well that stigma society likes to place on these two topics is the indivuals battling these two issues are the indivuals are "weak" TF is wrong woth those who believe those.....wake up those who take their own life aren't weak they are hurting they are in pain and all they have ever prayed for is for a helping hand.......let's be better humans people save people ok people fucking save people..... Mental Health is a serious gosh damn issue and half the time we are afraid of judgement worried we may be called crazy & that makes us remain silent well fuck that, be loud be open broken you hear me, be open fucking broken fuck society. For years yall I have battled anxiety severe anxiety I have had two suicide attempts one after I lost my dad and the second after I appeared on the Dr. PHIL show yes you read that right after I appeared on the Dr. Phil show in 2016 I endured severe and I mean severe bullying after the show and I had noone or so I thought I had noone to turn to afraid to say hey im fucking struggling im drowning and im not ok left me in a dark place, I had already lost in on national tv in front of millions I didnt want to ask for help with millions of eyes watching me but I needed help so bad and fear almost cost me my life. Nowadays im the first to say I am a fucking mess ok oh well fuck it meet my mess bitch.....(lol) but I ask for help I talk to friends & im open broken so that light can get in to help me to begin to heal. If you feel no one understands please look again friend their is a hand to help you up and I will always give my hand because a few years ago a stranger offered a hand and it saved my gosh damn life recently I was drowning just a few weeks ago actually and feeling as if I was loosing who I was in a pool of despair and this complete stranger I had begun talking with said some words that my soul needed to hear & he reminded me I was still worth it defects, horrible choices, a picture painted of me that was nothing like the reality I had lived but Dr. Phil painted me in a image that society loved to despise and recently it seems that show is at every corner I turn & at times it males living hard for me nonethless that guy he didnt know the facts and he didnt care nonetheless he still choice to lend a hand and encourage me to continue to move forward people like him and some others is why I havent attempted to end my life again its a bad fucking day but its not a bad life and fuck society for making any of us feel wrong for reaching out....please reach out god reach out to me to a peer to a stranger just do not let mental health or and suicide cost you your life do you understand. Your story isnt over yet ; keep fucking f;ghting🤜❤🤛

External link

"Domestic Violence & The Trauma That You Never Fully Heal From!"

I Choked You Amie I Let Go Right Away Though........

Love is madness & beauty nonetheless love should never hurt & let me say it again & louder love should never be painful or cause you to hurt and I mean physically mentally and or emotional. I met my now ex husband during a hard time in my life and i always felt I was obligated to always stand beside him even when it almost cost me my life especially since he stayed during my mess. I dabbled in drugs here & there nothing insane nothing like meth until 2018, my ex husband and I where out and he said its just like coke come on so of course by my own choice I said OK, it was the start of the end of our marriage. We where arguing and I raised my voice SLAP I remember the first time he hit me the slap rang through my ears and god was i stunned but I forgave him he swore never again then we became homeless we where sofa suffering so why not lets use meth wtf I know..... then everytime we argued even in the slightest he slapped me or in one way or another physically abused me it just then became the normal for me. To cope I used more it numbed the pain, we where at his grandma's one night and he was so disrespectful to the point it sent me into a panic attack I had to lay on the bathroom floor to breathe and I remember he said everything but sorry. Then one day he said he had permission to be at a warehouse it was a lie I pulled up to pick up him and his brother as they loaded copper in my van a cop circled the property just a routine check and there we where....we all went to jail he told me then in the cop car he had been to prison for me to sit in jail and his brother would plead guilty if I plead out we where done he would file for a divorce well he was free and I knew in my heart he was sleeping around so he was livid when I said deal to the offer I had a failure to appear though so i was sent to another county. Once released he blamed blamed blamed not once did he accept his fault, I rode a bus to see him his family leary because of my lies & his stories sure made me look horrific. His truths not the truth had already made his family judgemental of me, for a few weeks we went back and forth then I got a car and he was ready then for me to move back in, it was the worst mistake of my life he hadnt stayed cleaned he was using and my heart told me he had been with another women so that had me in full FBI wife mode and for weeks he lied yelled at me beat me stood in front of me refusing to let me out of the bathroom as my chest heaved fiercely up and down from a panic attack and his exact words go ahead die people will just believe it was a simple panic attack gone wrong and then seconds from passing out he calmly rubbed my back whispered for me to breathe and youd think then I would have left but no I stayed because he was there for me remember and he always said sorry he loved me....NO HE DID NOT.....NOT EVEN A LITTLE......NOT AT ALL...LOVE DOES NOT HURT OK IT DOES NOT LADIES..... Why didnt you leave I want to scream when people ask that live it AND then you realize anyway you envisioned you'd handle a situation if faced with it totally changes when you live it. He came home one night enraged and grabbed a hammer and said he wanted to bash my skull he trapped me in our bathroom often neighbors heard the screams sometimes called 911 other times they let him beat me and I mean beat me you know when I knew I was close to giving up when I quit my job wasnt allowed to have any money when I could not have friends or see my family when I stopped crying it was mostly when i stopped crying when he beat the utter fuck out of me I remember being beat so bad and not shedding a single tear, then I found out he had slept with another women and it wasnt the action it was the repetitive lie to my face and i started despising him, one night he held me down and fucked me even when I said stop he continued until he busted a nut every night I stayed I was scared I was broken I was alone then the fight the one thay lead to his arrest yelling screaming dragging me backwards by my leg trapping me in the bathroom me texting his sister in law begging for help and then he looked me dead in the eye and said "Amie call 911 I am about to choke you and I may not stop." That is the moment I knew he knew what he was doing he just didnt care the cops showed up and he said yes I choked her but I let right go and off to jail he went and can you believe I stayed then his family turnt on me when he said Amie is lying even though they saw the bruises even though we didnt make it to Christmas dinner since my new bangs couldnt cover the mass welt my head showed from my head being banged off the counter them seeing the abuse and not caring made me hate his family as much as I hated him..... The little travel home we lived in was in his brothers name when i tell you his brother and him threw all my things out of that travel home we had made a home and left me on the side of the road homeless, that is exactly what they did. I went to a DV shelter a hour away and piece by piece I tried to stop living in fear am still learnibg how not to live in fear two years later an injunction changed my number and he still haunts me well did no longer, i remember I was listening one night at CR as a women spoke on experience with domestic violence & of forgiving her abuser rawr forgive TF?! I crumbled and said is it suppose to hurt this bad the forgiveness part and she said yes it is because you have to remember it in order to speak on it and you have to speak on it in order to even begin to heal from the trauma and its you saying im ok with never receiving an apology even though I know he owes me one its you forgiving him when you can only see the ugly truth about him that makes him a monster......even after that moment at CR i was so angry so fearful i used until i violated probation I pushed that trauma down when i more then ever needed to confront it. I went to rehab on my birthday in 2019 and when I walked in those doors all I wanted to do was leave and Ms. Sandy said give us a chance but most importantly give yourself a chance. Many days I cried I packed my entire life in boxes ready to violate probation and walk out I never did in fact I voulunterarily stayed for half way i knew i knew I needed that program and those women. I Learned and want to share tonight in case someoene is staying praying it gets will not it will get worse the slaps harder the forced sex worse rougher with every night that passes you cant change him and I know you want to but you cant and if you ignore it now then it may cost you your life. Rehab showed me I am enough and so are you you are worth it always have been love is not painful and should never hurt never and I am sorry it wont happen again is a lie likely it has already happened again and again and like me you stayed. Domestic violence took parts of me i am still diligently healing from so that one day I may half ass recover the longer you stay the more damage you become the longer you stay is another day where that slap punch or dragging by the hair may just be the last because i will cost you your life. Raised my voice, the lunch meat was on the wrong shelf or the kool aid was ghe wrong flavor these three things raised voice snashed my head on the counter while on ftime with my mom lunch meat wrong shelf slapped in the face wrong flavor of kool aid he smothered me with a comforter until i vomitted in my mouth. Noone deserves this noone and you are worth more & you are strong enough to start over. Much Love Amie Marie

Ava Kinsley 6.19.2015

No parent should ever bury a child; the human heart wasn't equipped to deal with such devastation."

👣🍼No parent should ever bury a child; the human heart wasn't equipped to deal with such devastation." I use to say that quote over & over just to make it through my days for a couple of years. When I lost Ava; a piece of me was forever taken that piece went with Ava. Ava's life her legacy her memory gets doubted gets thrown right in the middle of rumors because of the Dr. Phil show. I fought for Ava I threw up every single day I had IV's her pregnancy was confirmed at IVCH and when my HIPPA rights where violated that piece of proof should have veen easyily retrieved but you see not once did they show that on the show why for views for numbers. I despise that Ava's life comes up for debate their is zero to deabte about my third born my third daughter she was beautiful she was light during the darkness, she existed and her death almost ended my life as well.....she should be in kindergarden laughing making friends running in the house driving Jenny and Riley insane instead she is forever my baby always loved forever missed & never forgotten. May your life & memory never be caught up & lost in the LA spotlight & BS!? I love you Ava👣🍼