On Saturday morning I woke up, early as usual busting to go to the toilet. I thought I would hold on just a little longer, until I couldn’t anymore. I stood up and something leaked. I panicked. I have never wet my pants before during the pregnancy. It couldn’t be possible. I went to the toilet, running through his parents house and went. Ahh relief. When I stood up and I continued to leak I knew that it was my waters that had broken, not me wetting myself.
​
It was just after six thirty in the morning. Everyone was sound asleep still. The dogs noticed that I was up and came to the back door. Tia and Chloe watched me. I had a towel wrapped around my body and had grabbed one of his sister’s pads that I had seen in the bathroom. I had nothing with me, we didn’t even have the car seat in the car!
​
I picked up the home phone as there is no mobile phone reception ​and called RPA Delivery Ward. I explained to them what had happened and where I was. The midwife giggled that I wasn’t at home and mentioned that bub must be keeping me on my toes. Yes, most certainly it seems. I questioned whether it would be a good idea to try and drive back after being assessed by Dubbo Hospital. She thought it was doable.
​
I called Dubbo hospital and they told me to come in for an assessment and then we would go from there.
​
Now I needed to go and wake James. “Babe,” I whispered. “Yeah,” I got back. “My waters have broken.” “Oh. Really?” “Yes, so I need you to take me to Dubbo Hospital.” “Okay.” And he was up and getting ready. I messaged Anna, who was going to photograph the birth and jokingly wondered if she was up for a trip to Dubbo.
​
We got to the hospital and I felt instantly scared and terrified. We waited for the midwife to come out and when she did and I stood up. A gush of fluid came out. James later would comment on this gush, that I originally said dripped, he didn’t think it was a drip at all. We were taken into an examination room and the monitor was on me. An internal was done and I was one centimetre. The midwife said that I could attempt to go home to Sydney but she wouldn’t recommend it!
​
We left the hospital. I wanted to. James was happy to do that but wasn’t sure we would make it. It was our first baby, labour takes forever was all that was playing in my mind.
​
We called his parents and explained that I had gone into labour and that we were coming back to get our things before heading to RPA. RPA knew we were coming. We then left and headed towards home. I timed the contractions the entire way in the car. I watched as they began to get closer together, every three or four minutes and were lasting up to ninety seconds. They weren’t too painful though. Then they would span out to eight or ten minutes. They weren’t consistent. But I knew that the closer they get the more likely it is that things are progressing. I told James of this and we were in Wellington, stopped at maccas for some food. We made the decision to head back to Dubbo, that we didn’t want to risk it. James was also concerned that what if the measurements that they had done on bub were wrong and way out and she would be technically a preterm and need lung support. That isn’t good if we are in a small town or on the side of the road giving birth
​
I called my mum and told her. I called Anna and told her that we were no longer coming back to Sydney to give birth. I then called his parents and told them that we were on our way back.
​
Once we arrived back to his parents house I called the hospitals and told them what was happening. I spoke to Dubbo and explained that I wanted to stay out at his parents house for as long as possible. They were happy with that but if at three o’clock things hadn’t progressed I needed to go in for some antibiotics. During these phone calls I was in the bath, the perfect location for the prompt hot + cold of Fat Mum Slim’s photoaday, trying to relax between the contractions. They just felt like my tummy was tightening a lot. Similar to the braxton hicks, but worse. I could still easily talk but they were getting stronger compared to earlier.
​
I got out of the bath and relaxed on the lounge. This is where I wish I had of been up + moving around, moving things along. I sat and chatted for a couple of hours. Ate a delicious ice cream. Then I began to walk around. Trying to get things moving. Everyone went into the pool. I wanted to go in too. Yesterday it had been so relaxing for me.

Everyone wasn’t keen on me getting in the pool. I joked about having a homebirth and getting a midwife to come out to assist. So inside wandering around I stayed. I listened to my body, swaying and rocking my hips from side to side. I decided to get into the shower. That might help. I didn’t think I could get back in and out of the bath again. James had to help me out last time. I had the water running on my back + it felt so nice until, oh my flippin’ gawd, that was a strong contraction. And then another.
​
I got out of the shower and continued pacing. Things felt like they had moved right along. I was almost unable to talk through them and thought that maybe we should go in. In the car they were still coming thick, fast and hard. They were a few minutes apart and lasting for a while. At times I couldn’t even tell when the last contraction finished and the next began.
​
We got back to the hospital and I met the midwife who would be on until just after ten o’clock that night. Ivy. I was hooked up to the monitor again. At first I was calm. Even when she squirted some of the gel into my flippin’ eye. It was when the cannula was mentioned that I began to lose it. I didn’t want a cannula. I hated them. The person came around to put in the cannula who just quietly seemed like a flippin’ tool. She was trying to make small talk with me and I just didn’t want to hear it. I was having a meltdown and didn’t want to discuss that I wasn’t at Sydney giving birth where I thought I would be. I began to cry as she searched for a vein. I questioned if she would use the numbing patch. She laughed and said that no hospital uses local when putting in a cannula. I explained that RPA does and flip I should know because I’ve had three whilst there! She just reiterated that they don’t. Fair enough. James came over to me and wondered if I was okay. I nodded. I was just highly emotional. Things just weren’t going how I thought that they would.
​
She took some blood from the cannula, I actually can’t recall what that was for. Hmm. All I know is that I had blood all over my hand and foot because it went everywhere. Ha. I didn’t need that blood anyway!
​
The antibiotics were administered and I was sent upstairs because I was only three centimetres now. I felt a little upset that I hadn’t progressed further. Ivy had originally thought I might be allowed to go home, even with the cannula in, but the doctor Miguel said ‘no’. That was okay, because upstairs was where I met Emily and she honestly restored my hope in the midwives there. She was so flippin’ lovely. So lovely.
​
James grabbed maccas for us to eat for dinner and by now, the contractions were stronger and I almost couldn’t eat. I didn’t even eat all my food, that was how bad they got! In the end I was standing up next to the other bed, swaying and rocking and running my hand across the bedspread. It felt weird on my hand but comforting. I went with it. Emily stayed for a couple of the contractions and felt my belly and timed them. I don’t think James realised that this could be it, because moments before he had been discussing heading home to get some sleep and coming back when things had progressed. I was unimpressed by that notion.
​
Soon enough we were back downstairs and I was six centimetres! Ivy informed me that because bub was technically preterm I would need the monitor on me at all times. Great. She said that I could still get in the spa though as they were waterproof and portable. Fan-flippin-tastic! I wanted that spa so badly. My back was aching and it was so incredibly painful to lay down on my back that I was hopeful that the water would really help me. As she ran the spa, we discussed my birth plan. I was still yet to write it thinking I had time. I mentioned that I wanted to try to do the labour as naturally as possible, however if I wanted the drugs I wanted the drugs. I was very easy with it all. As long as bub is out safely I didn’t mind. She said she would try and get me through this with minimal drugs required. Great.
​
From the moment we got back downstairs it was like I turned into a sailor. Everything had fuck added into it. Ivy commented that we had gone to fudge town and I promptly corrected her that I was not saying fudge that I was actually saying ‘fuck’.
​
Once in the spa it didn’t really help. It felt like it did in the beginning but it didn’t. Then bubs heartbeat went from the monitor and I had to get out of the bath and back onto the bed. Uh. There was pain. A lot of pain. Another internal showed that I was now eight centimetres. I was hunched over the back of the bed and my back was still hurting. The monitor was on my belly but Emily had to hold it there because otherwise it would slip and they would lose the reading. I continued to labour like this, however it was hurting my knees which were still recovering from my fall. Ivy asked if I wanted to try the gas and I was happy to. But it felt like it threw off my breathing and I threw it away. I screamed out in pain and this time James and Ivy asked me to retry the gas. Sure enough I had it working and yay, gas! That was an amazing machine at that point. The contractions continued and I began to panic. James could always tell when I was about to lose my shit. Looking back if I lost myself, the contractions were a lot harder to get through compared to when he was talking to me and keeping me calm. I began to tell them that I couldn’t do it and that I thought something bad was going to happen. Emily and Ivy were both still in the room at this point, although their shift had finished and so Peta and Lydia were now the two midwives looking after me. At that moment, I decided that I wanted an epidural. Peta told me they were getting the doctor. But he never came. I can’t remember how many times I asked for one, but it felt like I was just ignored so I grabbed the back of the bed and shook it whilst screaming “I want a fucking epidural!” James wasn’t overly impressed with this moment of mine.
​
James kept telling me that I could do this and to remember what my midwife had told me; that we make babies we can push out. I didn’t want to hear that at all. I kept asking for the epidural but they said it was too late now and that it wouldn’t work. So I was stuck with the gas.
​
Now, this is when things blur together and I can’t really recall the exact moments in order.
​
I remember using the gas and wanting to fall asleep; so that was when they turned it down and I was just breathing in oxygen. I remembered thinking that if they wanted the placebo effect to take place they shouldn’t have said it in front of me. Idiots.
​
Anyway, so now I knew I wasn’t getting the epidural; even though I remember telling them to just give it to me after they said it wouldn’t work in time, because I didn’t care. I wanted it. I was pushing through the contractions and then the worst thing happened. I vomited. It was disgusting. I kept having sips of water in between the contractions. I remember being so thirsty! James held my hand during each contraction. At one point it felt like I had been pushing forever. I swear it had been an hour but James doesn’t think it was that long. I was screaming and swearing in the pain. I pity anyone who had been in labour at the same time as me, because I was loud. I think it was around this time that Ivy left.
​
Eventually leaning over was hurting too much and the little thing that they attached to baby’s head to measure the heartbeat fell off during me pushing. So I was back on my back with the monitor around my belly. Again, I started telling them that something wasn’t right. I kept saying it. When the midwives would ask why, I couldn’t give them an answer. James knew it was me giving up and just kept telling me it was okay and trying to refocus me. He made me look at him and focus on him during these moments. I felt like I had been pushing for too long and no progress was being made. I had had enough and told them to just cut the baby out of me.
​
Peta began to explain to me what was happening and why I had been pushing for so long. She mentioned that baby’s head was coming out and then going back in or that there could be something causing a block. So another internal was done to ensure that nothing was blocking baby’s way. Emily commented that there was a slight lip in my cervix. Peta felt it too, but commented that she could easily push it out of the way. Miguel, the doctor, came in and also had a feel too. Soon after Emily left.
​
So now it was the business end of the deal. I kept saying that I couldn’t do it. James kept telling me that I could and to focus on him. That was when Lydia came in and joined Peta and Miguel. I cannot recall if Miguel was in there for the whole duration or just came back in at the very end. Lydia told me that I needed to start doing big, long pushes to get bub out. James said that it was like something clicked in me and it was on. I screamed and pushed as James and Lydia held my legs and I held onto their hands. Lydia grabbed my head and
pushed it towards my chin and told me to remember to breath and to push.
​
Then I needed to listen to Peta, who was down ready to assist bub out. She told me how to breath or push so that I didn’t tear as bubs head came out. I pushed again and let’s just say I now completely understand this burning ring of fire people speak of! I swore. I screamed. Peta assisted by pushing me open as bubs head came out. And the head was out. I don’t know if it hurt more her assisting or me doing it myself.
​
Then another little push and BAM! She came out so fast. Stuff (they did tell me what but I can’t recall) went everywhere and all over Miguel. James then looked at me and told me “It’s a girl.” I didn’t believe him. Then I realised I didn’t hear her cry yet. I asked “Is she okay?” James said that she was fine and that was when I heard her cry. I later found out that James was worried at this moment as she was very grey and the cord was short and around her neck. They lifted her up and handed her to me. That was when they noticed I was bleeding, a lot. I held her for a moment before she needed to go under the lights, being a preterm bub. James was with her during this time.

Meanwhile I was trying to deliver the placenta. An injection was given. I could hear James talking to her, calming her down. He made a comment that she was like her mother. The placenta was out and intact. Then my back pain was gone! It was then that my second degree tear was stitched up. I was handed back bub and Miguel began to push on my stomach. Out came a lot of blood clots.
​
James took bub as I was worried I would hurt her, as I was clenching my fists. The midwives and doctor began commenting on the blood I was losing and saying it was a lot. Then I began to get the shakes. They started adding warmed blankets to me. It didn’t help. I was tachycardic and they were struggling to get my pulse.
​
Eventually the clotting started. My uterus contacted. My heart rate returned to normal.
​
I stayed in the delivery ward until the next morning.

On Wednesday I saw Emma, the midwife and broke down whilst talking to her. It had been twenty days of contracting (as well as back pain and pelvic pain). I was just waiting for something to happen. I was given the option of a stretch and sweep and I took it. They couldn’t tip my cervix so no change for me.

The following day I noticed I didn’t feel any movement from 12pm and it was now almost 4pm so I headed to the hospital with a bestie and she stayed with me while we waited to be assessed for reduced movements. I was told it was normal for baby’s movements to slow down but if no movement still in the morning then I had to come back. Oh and they managed to do the stretch and sweep and took me to 2cm.

The following day, Friday, I was back again because I had felt such minimal movement and was concerned. I had another stretch and sweep and an ultrasound booked for later that afternoon to see how big this babe has become. The sonographer commented how big the baby is and measured out to be 4.5kg.

I continued to be in and out of pain over the days, with no real relief. On Saturday morning I woke and my undies were wet and I put it down to discharge or wetting myself, because I’d been checked before to see if my waters had broken and they hadn’t so assumed this was the same thing. I spent the day getting things done with Scarlett after being monitored on the CTG in the morning and by that afternoon I messaged the midwife just to see if she thought anything of my wetness. She suggested I go and get monitored, just in case.

Scarlett and I finished playing ‘Go Fish’ and then I headed for the hospital with Scarlett and James, before wandering up alone and telling them both I would see them soon. This was around 5pm.

Once in I was on the CTG again and another urine test. The urine showed a little blood and protein and the CTG was good, showing that baby preferred my left side better. I then had a swab done to see if my waters had broken and that came back positive! I was actually shocked. I honestly didn’t think it had happened but it did! By itself. After an internal I was 3-4cm dilated.

The Obstetrician came in and suggested three options. A c-section due to baby’s size and complications that can arise from labour; wait for my waters to break (and if not by 6am in for antibiotics); or break the waters. At this point I was more than ready but had a chat with James to see if he had a preference.

Soon I was being admitted and moved to Birthing Suite 1 and pop! The waters (which had a super strong membrane) were gone just before 6pm. They then got me ready to hook me up to the drip; I didn’t realise we were going to be hooked up but why not I figured?!

James was dropping Scarlett off to Granny and Poppy’s before he came in. He then arrived and made several jokes and commented that he hadn’t eaten. I suggested he duck home (quickly) and eat then come back.

Soon my contractions were starting to get stronger so I got ready for my bath. All I wanted when I was in labour with Scarlett was to get in a big bath but due to continuous monitoring I had to get out when she slipped too low. Not this time! I climbed in and while it was relieving to begin with (when my synto drip was at 15) soon it wasn’t. I was beginning to be unable to talk through contractions and far out they were hurting! James still wasn’t there so I started chatting to my midwife who didn’t leave my side it was now just before 9pm. I wondered who would be coming on shortly (as shift change over was approaching at 10pm). She commented that it was Bethany and another midwife. I was more than a little excited that Bethany would be there and it made me feel at ease, so much ease.

The synto drip was now at 30 and I was struggling. I wanted out of the bath. Did I need to go to the toilet or vomit? I had no idea. I got out of the bath and was soon on the bed on my right side and begging for the gas. Guess who still wasn’t here...

I checked my phone and James had messaged telling me he was about to eat, shower and feed the dogs before heading up just before 9pm. It was now almost 930pm and I felt like I needed to push and I messaged him “Come here please” before calling him and asking “Where are you?!” He tried to joke that he wasn’t here but realised I was very serious and he said he was at the door waiting to be let in. Thank goodness!

It was during this that Bethany arrived in the room too and so then there were three or four midwives in the room for the next few minutes.

I was in a lot of pain. I was screaming and trying to breathe in the gas. James held my hand or gave me sips of water. But then it wasn’t long before I just had to push.

I tried to labour on all fours, but it just wasn’t working and I kept losing myself and breathing, even with my amazing friend gas. So I went back on my back, which again just didn’t work. There was screaming and reasoning happening as I moved between the positions, and even asked if I could have a epidural. Bethany explained that she could get the anaesthetist but he wouldn’t be able to do anything. This was when the c-section was looking pretty enticing!

I was back on all fours and labouring. Pushing. When all of a sudden my screams stopped (because let’s be honest, it hurts) and I started grunting.

Then he was born at 10.13pm. There was no ‘ring of fire’ this time. But my goodness, it still hurt to push him out! The cord was wrapped around his neck too (just like Scarlett) and I had to look to see his gender to find out that he was a BOY!

It was at this point that everything clumps together. We had a few snuggles together but I was losing a lot of blood but I wasn’t reacting like I should have been. I was still chatting away, joking with the midwives. It wasn’t until a few more minutes passed that I went freezing cold and it was then shortly after discussed that I had to go to theatre as the bleeding just wasn’t stopping and I had lost 2.5L at that point.

In the end I had a second degree tear, was in theatre but kept my uterus (they aren’t sure why I bleed out), and baby boy was huge!