On The Blog

Photo by Carla Llanos

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People think that I've come across too many exposures and experiences that my outlook in life became too different. But in reality, people are molded by these situations. Deep learnings, unrecognized meaning of life. I realized that it's what made me as a modern woman. My profound love for influence, impact - whether good or bad, and world contributions is what I call my sole core today.

Here's something new for me to explore, expressions never been told.

This is me... ON THE BLOG.

Swipe right 💋 --->

Love,
N

Bellini

Untold. Unpublished.

Photo by Carla Llanos

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10.25.19

Have you ever thought about something you cannot explain within you? Or like encountered something that can't be defined? There are so many things for me, actually. Many things I cannot even express a single bullet point of it. It's like a more complicated Scrabble.

You know, I've been a big fan of energies and how it attracts life and situations. It's very important to me and I think I've almost mastered the center and balance of it. (I think :))) That I realized how we've become are what reality depicts for what's been suppressed in us for a period of time - our needs, wants, and even wishes. Interestingly, energies align to express it. And it comes to a point wherein it seems like we cannot really explain it.

I believe there's like tight ties between what we cannot explain, realities, energies, connections, attractions, and how we become. Mixed up, intertwined, and hardly understood. Crazy... yeah, it's a really crazy ride.

When we feel like circumstances align or doesn't really align with our energies, we become totally different human beings either way. Ha.. for me, we crash because of energies. Inside and/or out in the open. Some days we're mad, okay, disappointed, so-so, etc. Sometimes and usually (OMG!) our whole selves are all over that it's like all positive energies (needs, wants, desires) is a picturesque. Can pretty be much like those stars and moon we saw just few days back that when you look it's just what you want for you. Unusual and vivid, very quaint. One day, you'll ask why you yourself cannot explain yourself and the things you're doing.

Too much things that I realized I need and want.. and wish for - that's why the inner self takes the roller coaster ride in Universal Studios. Feeling the same energies and connecting to it. Like it's good, crazy, risky, scary.

Energies align so much in many different ways, attracts our deepest thoughts and desires, express it even if we don't want to, that we can only crash and question many things then end up with no concrete answers. Wondering why, why not, how, what, etc. (Situation: Cannot explain - Attract - Connect - Express - Crash - REPEAT, ideally).

Connections are purely undefined attracted energies. Attraction is the bridge for those underlying gaps. To be genuine takes so much of ourselves and energies. Crashing doesn't necessarily mean questioning it negatively but more so the balance of how it made you think and feel versus what you become with it. And what about genuineness? I just know it's the deepest energy you project. Something that only special people in special situations can relate to.

So... to you:

Recalibrating then finding center takes time. I learned that no matter what you feel and think now, always go back to where you are happy most. Don't worry about what you cannot explain and the questions you entertain.. Always choose yourself. Embrace those energies you deserve and deeply feel. Good things are very possible. Take it step by step. Not just because you want and wish for it, but because there's a deep understanding of what's not really said and expressed 'til energies just say it. Redirect to a reality that you need and not stuck with time or ''what could've been.''

It's always (really) a better story of you and for you.

I've always pass on to things I cannot define. All these things only we can feel... plus, to be able to genuinely connect with unexplainable energies is impossible to retract and find hindrance... Impossible. Breathe through it like I do because no matter what and how we spin it, it's just beyond us. Maybe that's just being plain humans, right? Or do you think it's just the universe figuring out ways to align?

Whatever it is...

In the end, we know in our hearts that what's untold and unpublished is the realest.

9 Lives

Blessed and still being blessed

Photo by Carla Llanos

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11.04.19

Oh wow! I cannot believe it's November.. Birthday month just approached like a snap! :) I'm so happyyyy. Everyone's been asking what I want to do and the gifts that they want to give. But this year, I'm sure I want to celebrate it with people who matters most.. can be not physically but at least spend time to talk to them. Those who mattered, gave superficial impacts into my life, and more crays to my crayness (LOL)!

So...

Welcome to a more roller coaster post :) I hope you'll like it.

Fear of being broke

I know parents will love you for as much and however they can. It wouldn't matter what method but we all know for our mom and dad it's always "whatever it takes." Sometimes, in life, whatever it takes can be so much to handle. I used to just play this song from Bon Jovi whenever that happens (but sorry, I can't really say the title. Hint: 2000's lead single). That song? Oh my god :))) With max volume like all anger through a rock song can express.

My life before running home was like paradise. We get to stay exclusively in private islands and 5 star hotels. Eat with full course meals during dinner. Randomly having breakfast buffets in Shang. I always travel in and out of the country and get to shop as much as I can - have all the clothes, bags, shoes and gadgets. I always get declined with scholarships because of the number of cars my parents had and, of course, the size of our house. Thanks to my very hardworking and loving parents who only wish the best for us.

Until, so much became too much to handle. I ran away from home without anything. Zero balance, literally. I was living in a car with one of those open parking in Centris. It's like being homeless. I had a puppy who was about 2 months old. At that time, I can still remember those chicken fillets in McDonald's for just 50php with regular Coke. I would cut the chicken and rice into half so my pup and I can eat. Then, I transferred to a home where there's nothing there - of course with my puppy with my clothes and his food. But sleeping on the floor with no bed or even a mattress and just thin blankets. There's no AC, even. I was just thinking... I just want to be free, to explore the world, and be independent. Learn things how I should learn it. Because at 24, I didn't even know how to cross a street... It's basically one of those, you know. And what if I want simple things? What if I'm a free spirited individual? Or I want to learn independence and be a grown up woman?

That stage of my life taught me a lot about matters I haven't learned at home. Simply, life. And money? Pooof.. I thought life was easy without it. But to feed me and my dog? I was even counting 25 cents and making sure I don't get to spend it so I can make a hundred peso to buy necessities. And yes, people say I can be a bit thrifty today hahaha. I wouldn't really deny it. It's only because I learned my lesson on practicality and simplicity.

My advise is that it's okay to fall and learn the hard way. If you can be brave enough to know what you need most and where it will lead you to be happier, go for it. I'm not scared of being broke. I can come back anytime and strive again.. but approaching it better. A big jump isn't worth it if you don't try. Just make sure that when you jump, even if you're dying inside, take a look around and see why God made this world for you.

What this world needs

So, after that, I learned the value of food and water. I honestly am not really appreciating any kind of food. I'm so picky. But I know what food means for the homeless. Because come on, chicken fillet isn't a joke and I only buy dried fish, canned tuna, and rice just around the corner when I got my own place. If I have extra, I would want to buy bread and eggs. And that's it. I'm okay with that. Maybe that's why I enjoy good food too much now 'coz once upon a time I can only afford those. The people close to me knows I always take home my left overs and give it drivers, kids along the streets, and guards. It's not because they needed it or out of pity, but it was more of I know what it means to start from scratch.. and maybe they're just on the way to making their lives better. My humble heart for the needy is one of the things I treasure today. I was once that. I was expecting people and the world to change me because I'm experiencing unexpected things. But it turns out, it's really ourselves who needed to see things positively and move forward at least some steps ahead. How do we react to it? Who do we say "true" friends and family?

One time I debated with my driver about not having kids. He's like but they can be my own. Someone who can change me because it's my kid. Really? It wouldn't matter for me. There's like hundreds of kids only in Manila not having any food, dehydrated, and who needs love. And guess what.. they changed me. I'm still not kid lover but when I see one... Man.. you don't know how much I want to give back to a world that was unfair for them.

I want to thank my older brother who stood by me no matter what. You know at some point, I was losing it... I was thinking what's love got to do with it? Hahaha. I mean life is so unfair and it can be mad crazy. I was depressed and slowly sinking at some point. But you know what he said? He said.. "You have a degree, you went to an expensive school. It doesn't matter, maybe. But you are smart and talented in your own ways.. just don't forget that." And it changed my life, 360.

Maybe it's that. How do we change lives with a 360 turn? How is it possible to create a social system or can be economic of survival only with brain, skills, or talents? I have a weird goal that I want to share... it's been my goal since I was earning money. In my first million, I want to donate it because people especially kids and homeless could get a glimpse of a better drive of their lives.

Or if life won't allow my million (LOL) I have always wanted to make a strong change and make it to UN in my own skillful ways. Maybe a concert that inspires people and companies. Imagine saving a world.. altogether.

Above money and above selfishness, right?

Now again

If I could write my life, I think it will be a good documentary (LOL). Some girl from a fine family gone wild to find the true meaning of life. Became homeless, dated useless guys (hahahahahaha), bought dogs because she felt she'll die alone (LOL). I'M KIDDING!

My friends Jones, Mafi, Alex and Dave are just so wonderful that they still hang with me after EVERYTHING. Jones said to my boss (MY BOSS! My goodness 🤦🏻‍♀️) "I am here because she can move mountains for me and I will do for her too." I think it's because they've seen how my life went up and down, my laughters and tears.

I don't know... maybe humanity created so much stuff that makes it harder to live today whether mentally or physically or in any kind of aspect. A bit suffocating but that's life today. How do we move forward for a better tomorrow?

And you know, I can tell you many things. I think I'm on my fourth or fifth life if I was living a cat's life span. I died many times but became alive and (I think) prettier type of cat each time hahaha.

A cat is an observer and a learner. It can get lost and wander, loses in field battles, but always can fight back.. bravier. Can just be in one corner looking, but don't get them to move with surprise because you don't know how their instincts are. Some cats may not look good but it comes and glides sweetly - because they know that even if they are strong, they have a heart to understand simple needs. Knowing when to move forward and to get back. Making them humble to live again.. and again. And again.

It's my sprit animal, actually. And if I am living again and again... you can do too.

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To my parents and my 3 pets who showed me the deepest love I could have and deserve - I'm forever thankful

To my grandparents who said "Humility is the basic value you will ever have to really learn to be able to live your life fully." And it's surprisingly true.

So for my 30th birthday.. I don't know. I just want to go back to friends and family who made me stronger today..

And get a tatt of my dogs ;)

Modern Barbara

How To Feel Sexier Tomorrow

Photo by Carla Llanos

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11.16.19

So for the past days, I haven't been really in my entire self. Just really because I've been so busy and I've been really feeling too tired in general... more from an environment that's been hard to deal with for hours.

BUT NO WORRIES!!!
I like retracting A LOT.

Refreshments are really good for me and it helps me go back to my center. Maybe you would want to try what I do at least for some days and see how positive you can be the next days! :)

1. Sleeping - for hours in a day!

I love sleeping! I actually sleep around 18 hours at least on a Saturday or Sunday - like never miss sleeping. I think it's the best therapy to regain energy whether mentally, emotionally, and physically. Plus, sleeping with drinking lots of water before and after helps cells do their job faster because your body is too relaxed and so it results to better skin, less eye bags, better blood flow, and digestion.

I really prefer to sleep some hours by the pool or by the beach to have that natural glow as well. And it's peaceful with the wind. Try it for some time and you'll feel rejuvenated in generaaal!

2. Therapies that shifts your whole self

- Music therapy

Whether upbeat or more spa / meditation genre, music therapy helps me relax, shift mindset, and reflect on many many things. I've been doing music therapy since when I was in high school and I'm really surprised how the mind can go with the flow of music - the beat, the instruments used, and rhythms. Music releases dopamine — a neurotransmitter that plays an important role in our cognitive, emotional, and behavioral functioning — it has a direct role in the reward experience induced by music. It also helps in being forward thinking, re- routing desired solutions or plan Bs, and of course taking a step back and looking at situations on a third party perspective.

- Gadgets fasting

Hmm. I'm a halfie on gadgets and traditional ways. I still love writing letters and expressing through hand - specially for appreciation. I love presenting with verbal flow and not putting everything on my decks. Physical meetings more than con calls. With a job that's highly dependent on mobile, laptops, etc., it's really best to spend a day without using anything. Even TVs and iPads. It's like in a relationship where you need space. Just so you can go back to your phone and not throw it when it stresses you out hahahaha (which I do at work whenever I don't get my fasting for weeks hahahahaha) Yeah... Along the way, this therapy drove me to appreciate nature, spending time with friends and family, and even... shopping LOL 😅

3. Going back to your etiquettes

Believe it or not given the everyday stress and urban thinking and ways, you lose at least the basic etiquette without you knowing. In my experience, it's when your working closely or under creatives and production where there's tons of cowboys in the field.

When I was a kid, I was enrolled in etiquette classes in school (because I grew up in the province hahahaha). But it's actually more for elevating me as a person and my ways (and my way of thinking too) to make it to a society that can help me elevate my lifestyle and/or life as well. I always go back to etiquette lessons until today. Making sure I still get the royalty in me - being more feminine, grown up woman, and so graceful and sexy!

So that's it! Just try these and maybe you can let me know how is it when you did! ;)

The Fifth

Photo by Carla Llanos

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12.01.19

There's really just 2 main things that has been coming in into my life after my birthday and I've been really thinking whether or not to share it as these are sensitive topics for me and for the people around me. However, I feel that writing this would mean good reflection. It should be able to get a touch point of the deeper cravings that we all never really said but should be a start within us and for those we value most.

1. TRANSPARENCY

Lol 😂 Whooo! It's just the first topic but I'm already nervous about how people will absorb this 😅 I don't really expect too much in people or in life, in general. I am a person of my words and it has always been a true expression or at least of how I perceive it. I always give this from day 1 with the persons I value most. When I express, it would just mean here's what I think or feel, I'm happy just to let you know or if I'm unhappy, I want change so what should we do to fix and what are our next steps - together. That's it. Transparency is one of the things I value most because it is tied with deep trust and strong foundation. More than anything else, this goes in big and small acts whereas it has to be done naturally and as an obligation. I think it always comes with cost/s as well. Always. It's one of the hardest to give specially when ties has been damaged and sometimes just even when it's scratched. Damages can be shown in little acts too - not talking to each other, silent treatments, changing phone passwords (lol), getting more laughter in another environment, always on the phone just browsing, going home later than expected, lies and recurring lies, etc. It all boils down to transparency - when we hoped to get it after certain situations, when we expressed it but it wasn't accepted, or simply when it's not being reciprocated. Costs could be many things right like can be losing the job, losing colleagues who works with you, losing someone you love, friendships, or just any ties. When I'm not as expressive, it would mean I got tired uplifting and trying something to make things work (professionally and non) on a higher level. But it doesn't mean I don't want efforts and change to happen. My sole take on this is..

"What kills a soul is exhaustion, secrets keeping or not just saying, image management.
And what brings back a soul is honesty, connection, and grace."

Even grace knows transparency well. It should be smooth sailing, with ease and agility, a charming flow - like dancing with full of emotions.

So.. connections, our favorite topic 😅

2. INTIMACY

Actually, there's not really much under this category to be honest. I'm not a fan of just going out, being at home together, staying in one place with everyone else. I always enjoy when people talk about silly things, what has happened for the day, share new learnings and discoveries. Like transparency, I really don't crave big and extravagant things. I only want moments (#MomentsToCelebrate like our campaign 🤦🏻‍♀️😂). No, but really, moments. Those times when there's nothing there but just smiles and laughters, touches and deep exchanging looks. Admirations that brings about internal joys and inspirations that keeps us going together. It's a combination of play but something really real at the end. Something you can feel like always going back and feeling safe. I wanted to have time for myself during my birthday and take a step back. 30 is the time where I really want to focus on things and persons who made me today, and of course myself (that needed much pat for self love). Honestly, my past 30 years felt like nothing happened. Maybe because I was too focused on what I should get, what kind of day to day I want to happen or feel like, looking good and smelling nice. I think when you become older like in your 30s, above those things we wish and do, it's all those feelings that makes us come back to life. Closeness, warmth of each other, affinity and affection towards the people who matters. There will always be people who will show us and make us feel like they got your back. When something's not aligned, you'll be surprised in little or big ways how the universe balances your life through friends, family, or someone you're not really close with. Because others gives you transparency for they value you and put appreciation on the table.

--

I guess that's it... these two big things confuses me a lot and it has been on my mind since before the 22nd. Knowing what's more valuable and what would work for my inner peace for the next 30 years are very important at this stage.

Still, I'm grateful to friends and family - my Kuya and Janine, Jones, Kim, Rae, also Janzen - who has stood by me specially this month where I've been really not in myself while I'm going through a lot. They really showed me the best of the best moments. To people who has no judgements for me and the actions I make but willing to show me light. And to Fem, I owe you my other piece of happiness for always supporting me, giving me transparency and unexpected connection, and most especially for staying along even if.. maraming salamat.

Cheers to 30s and the upcoming 2020!

(Btw, I haven't done my birthday tattoo but will make sure to do it this year <3)

This is called The Fifth - the symbol of humanity, independence, and freedom.

Tables & Napkins

But we don't want to grow being bitter

Photo by Carla Llanos

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12.08.19

So yesterday, I was coming back from Jakarta and there was a part where I'm not really too excited coming back Manila. I was seeking advise from a friend who happens to be almost the same page as my life experiences. I told him how others think of me as an indecisive woman of today - am I really? Or was it just a thought that passed by on how people think of people and their not-so-pleasant choices? How can kindness, second chances, stupidity, and of the like can sum up but at the same time suck up each other? He mentioned that we'll never really know how we'll perceive things and make decisions unless we see and feel it ourselves - that even though we may know already what to do and what we want, how we want it is the biggest challenge and maybe it's also because we felt something's missing or something's not fulfilling that picture of decision.

Hmm... so today I woke up madly thinking about it... 🙄 Cooking through it and had a blast of boiling oil straight to my face because I was thinking too much. And now on the couch for about 4 hours, doing nothing, but thinking. Too much for the day I guess that made my brain finally want to speak.

Maybe life choices are not too hard to make.. but maybe it's true - that the emotional, psychological, and spiritual process makes it hard to do or just what we needed to move on. Maybe we just needed to try differently to finally see things, right? It's like when you pick a restaurant, get a nice table, order a pork dish or a beef one, choosing to chew it over and over again to make sure how it tastes - even though it's hard, wiping our mouth with the different sides of the napkin, and then leaving the restaurant deciding whether or not it was a good experience.

If you get what I mean, there's so much rolls of dice to take to win the final block of that board game. And if you didn't notice, there's a span and timeframe to be able to finally say what kind of pork or beef is it. The process to understand the taste and the ingredients was there. The factors to drive the next chapter of life will not be as easy as one day you just decided or make the most out of life situations but the idea to absorb it - to see and to feel.. then to finally say what is it for you.

I know I'm not indecisive. I've seen how I want it and I know needed to go through that process to finally step into a new one. Decisions can be abrupt, yes. But it was more of the bits of factors to make it abrupt. If I decide now, I'm not ready for what I'll be tomorrow. There will be parts of me regretting for sure. There's that missing piece that I missed to make finally act on a decision.

Simply put... maybe I want to go through it so I can be whole again and be a stronger woman for the next one.

Divine Timing —

The Most Unexpected Things

Photo by Anastasi Holubchyk

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04.05.20

HELLO GUUUUYS!!! So it's past 3am and wine is helping me to be sleepy. But before that.. I know I've been on and off. - and believe me I made an entry last week. But for some reason it's not published and I lost the file 🤦🏻‍♀️

But anyway there's just 2 main things that came in my mind.

This quarantine made me realise that even though science speaks for facts and calculable explanations, don't you think that this is God's way of resetting the Earth? Think about it...

Ozone layer slowly coming to a close
Fishes coming back to rivers in and shores
Venice's canal's water is once again clear
Turtles in India came out to lay eggs
Air quality across Asia and Australia are going green
14 elephants went to a village in Yunan
Earth lessened shaking as fewer mobiles are outside
Etc.

Nature is finally healing and it's having a much-needed breathe because maybe we are the real virus. Maybe... And we're so occupied enhancing today, moving businesses, putting wires under the sea and above earth, gradually showcasing new technologies... While those good "natural" things are happening, we get so aggressive, give out more pride, and emotions unusually rises for the reason that we don't know what else is there to do at home. It's something we're not used to and a state where we've never been placed. You know, sometimes we don't even realise that our homes are destroyed and we forgot about the simple things in life. God may never speak but he shows it to us at this very moment - how much we're so internally chaotic, where we need to shift focus on, and have ourselves reflect day-to-day to be able to improve our lives and this Earth in our most humanitarian ways. People will never think that my brain understands spirituality and I would always avoid discussions about higher powers. Maybe just think about why are humans really made? What is your real purpose in this lifetime?

Maybe this silence during quarantine is the time for us to see and hear nature moving in its most peaceful ways, keeping us in four walls so we are able to understand many things in our lives, to really learn what are are the values we treasure, to grasp what makes us genuinely happy, so we can grow fully and contribute humbly.

Secondly, gratitude and unconditional efforts. I don't live perfectly. I'm not even sure if anyone does. But... one thing I deeply know is that when I wake up in the morning, I keep going with good energy because I'm thankful in many ways.

You sip coffee in the morning, take a shower, get a car or drive to work or wherever, say hi to someone, etc. but in those few minutes you should know that there's a bunch of wonderful moments.

Who do you even think about when it's happening? Maybe someone who makes you happy or someone you look forward to talk to for the day.

What do you even plan out when you wake up? Maybe prepping for a big campaign for the next coming days.

Where's that morning place you always go to so you can align yourself before a busy day? By the corner where the waiter always says hi in high pitch.

So what do you even call it? A good morning, J must say. Maybe not always but at least often something there is good. Even though it isn't perfect - a situation, a person, whatsoever - there's always something to be thankful for where you can take a deep dive to give back. That's when you understand that it's something unconditional because only you can see and feel it - and so you give your best shot. Let me put it this way, a co-worker says he screwed up in a project. You internalise, get a coffee and some fresh air, then you talk about what happened. After that, boom, you're there creating a better plan, doing a dive. It's just simply because you want to make it work. To make the best our of the best. In reality, to make it work, you were there getting a coffee in that coffee place you like with that waiter saying hi, subconsciously appreciating little things.

Strange but unconditional, right?

--

Fixtion
The XX

Fiction, when we're not together
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
I wake up alone, with only daylight between us
Last night the world was beneath us, tonight comes, dear love
Were we torn apart by the break of day?
You're more than I can believe, whatever come my way
Fiction, when we're not together
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
Come real love, why do I refuse you?
'Cause if my fear's right, I risk to lose you
And if I just might wake up alone
Bring on the night
Fiction, when we're not together
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
Any certainties, how am I to tell?
I know your face all too well, still I wake up alone
Fiction, when we're not together

Nine of Pentacles —

The revelation of the reversal

Photo by Biddy Tarot

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05.08.20

So.... hmm. I'm writing this entry as is... without revisions so please bear with me.

There's been a lot of emotional and mental ups and downs for the past weeks. Or month. And you know how I'm like an image of Destiny's Child-ish to others. Some sort of like a strong independent woman... but then I guess I'm not the Almighty.

I've tried to bring in happiness and hopes up. I was more of that "it will be okay, just a phase" type. I believed that it is. I know that it is. I kept reaching out and asking how are things during this time of crisis, I entertained with my day to day activities and the happy things I'm experiencing. I always laugh and sometimes, most of the times at least, make people laugh. I worked hard in my own ways to keep it strong and working. I never missed messages and calls. I was there... for every matter or every person who deserves ME. I made myself strongly available for those who needs it most but for some reason, I'm still floating in a nice pool of efforts, with all those positive energy I bring, communication, there was nothing there. There must be this one thing on earth that gives me the same vibe I give right? I was really wishing for something that would really make me you know uplifted. To give that to me instead of me longing for it. Simply because I think (I hope I'm right) that I deserve it too. But nada. The spirits who rule the world seems to have been rude lately... and I'm always hanging like a nice hanger in the bathroom. Was everything I gave not enough for me to deserve this kind of treatment in life?

You know, when my walls are down, I give my best bet on the table. All the time. All the time... I mean, I'm talking about in general. I think? Well I don't really know now. But it's about all these things with people, with special people, even friends, family, work, home. It's so funny because I proposed this mental health awareness project at work - thinking that I had to do something for the people I cared for and the people to feel okay because I understand and I can feel what others need even if they don't want it. Yet, now I think that was a suppression of something I need. Because here I am. But there you are, and there they are. That the project was for me all along.. in the weird time frame where I've launched the program and I'm now I'm like becoming broken into pieces.

I've gone through a lot with this almost 2 months in cabin and now I don't feel like I did something right or enough. Like still, at the end of the day, PEOPLE FORGET. The little things, the efforts, the energy, your name, your existence, your passion. Or maybe it's just the idea of being taken for granted. Or them taking your... I don't know... like taking your most inner self and energy just because.. for whatever the reasons may be. Because they need it? And when they get what they want, that's it. FIN, til next time Nath. I heard some zodiac signs can be stubborn at times too.

All I'm saying is that I'm doing the best ways possible "to work it out" because once, I heard somebody said that that person wants to work it out. And I took that openly, wholeheartedly. Thinking yes, that would be really really great... because it's now two ways, both sides. I think it's one if the most beautiful phrase. My heart was just so happy and it was unexpectedly expressed.

But it cannot be done... because I'm the only one on this earth trying to do so with consistency. While the universe is like showcasing me as I don't really know (again!) just some "yeah yeah yeah she's that woman." Like I'm just for what they call 'the at the moment.'

What does self worth mean even nowadays right? Who and what do you value and why do you value them? What do you do with that kind of value? For you?

Okay that might be too much expression for now.. But yeah... Maybe all if us are going through something and maybe this is my path of challenge.

You know, one day I'm an Empress and there's an Emperor. One day, there's The Star and Justice. Next thing you know it's Temperance, Three of Swords, then Ace of all suits. This life is just beyond control and it has it's own universe for people to dance with.. I hope that it just going to be the other way around where in I'm here, you're there, and here comes universe we dance with.

"At some point, you need to stop and smell the luxurious bouquet of long-stemmed roses." To come back to yourself. To come back for myself. I give too much.

So yeah, to summarize, I'm hurting for many things. In many ways. Many hidden ways. But... Okay, Just don't mind me for now. I'm okay. I'm a big girl. I can figure things out myself. I've always been that feminist. Maybe I just need that Vitamin Sea all for myself once I'm free.

"I was born in a thunderstorm, and I'm still breathing."

I'm not asking for too much. I'm simple.. just that reciprocity with consistency.

ANYWAY. In my next entry, I will try my best to be... in my best. 😅 BUT I wish everyone some peace of mind and heart. Do some yoga, study new languages, read more books, drink some nice cocktails. Do whatever. Tomorrow, we will travel and laugh all together, okay???? .... Great ☺️😘❤️

Call On Me

Stanley ft. Ryan Riback

Photo by Jooah

--

05.29.20

When you're low
And your knees can't rise
You feel helpless
And you're looking to the sky
Some people would say
To accept their fate
Well, if this is fate
Then we'll find a way to cheat
'Cause, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we'll say a little prayer
But, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh if the answer isn't fair
You know you can call on me
When you need somebody
You know you can call on me
When you can't stop the tears from falling down, down, down
You know you can call on me
Call on me, darling
You know you can call on me
Call on me, darling (call on me)
When you're weary
And the road is dark
And I'll guide you
With the beating of my heart
And if the cavalry
And the help don't come
Well, then we'll find a way
To dodge a smoking gun
'Cause, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we'll say a little prayer
But, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh if the answer isn't fair (then call on me)
You know you can call on me
When you need somebody
You know you can call on me
When you can't stop the tears from falling down, down, down
You know you can call on me
Call on me, darling
You know you can call on me
Call on me, darling (call on me)
When you're, you need someone (just call on me)
You need somebody to cling to (call on me)
When you're, you need someone (just call on me)
You need somebody to dry your tears
When you're, you need someone (you can call me)
You need somebody to cling to (just call on me)
Just call on me, love (just call on me)
Just call on me, love (call on me)
Just call on me, love (just call on me)
Just call on me, love (call on me)
Just call on me, love, on me

Be Kind

I know you're chokin' on your fears
Already told you I'm right here
I will stay by your side every night

I don't know why you hide from the one
And close your eyes to the one
Mess up and lie to the one that you love
When you know you can cry to the one
Always confide in the one
You can be kind to the one that you love

I know it's hard for you, but it's not fair

Marshmello and Halsey

Pandemic

El Pan y de Microfono

Photo by abbydesign.co

---

06.08.20

It's almost 90 days since quarantine life, and it sure hasn't been easy. But here's some of the things that I've been doing to lighten up my energy!

1. YOGA

I wasn't really a fund of yoga and I found it boring at the start. I started doing so when I realised my scolio was really getting worse and it's not like I can do therapy given the demand of my job... and Fem made me do it. I guess because I was looking at how life can make you old (like Fem) and I have a body that's just too lousy. I'm 30 and I still want to be sexy hahahaha 😂 Plus, I have a young looking face and I feel it wouldn't match how my body looks. So I didn't really want to be ugly, in short.

I tried many classes and Inside Flow made me enjoy it. The more relax ones are too relaxing that it makes me sleepy afterwards. This one is more like dancing. It follows beat and breathing. After that, I feel that I can even dance more than I used to.

2. BOOKS

If I have to share one thing about me that doesn't look like me is that I always buy books and don't even read them 😅 But now, given that I'm always home, I've finally had the time to read books from Big Bad and FullyBooked.

I've finished Fem's choice the 100 Years of Solitude which btw, stressed me out to go back and forth the pages! The book had so many characters with similar names and tbh I'm super bad with names! I don't even know the names of majority of the people in the office but I always mingle with them. Even in events, I just say "HIIIIIII!!!" And that's it. Hahahahha! With no names. But it's true that it this book was one of the well written ones. To keep me going and understanding it with the real incidents that happened in our world, it's worth having it also for keeps and to read again.

I've done 2 more which is The Outsourced Self and The Pocket Encyclopedia of Aggravation. More like okay-ish.

Now I'm reading Adam Grant's Originals which is WAAAAAAY BETTER for me at least. I like reading about business and management, inspiration, psychology, and self help. It's a way for me to learn how I can gear up my life and career. And with this book, it helped me realise how much time I've delayed many things with my business just because a) I didn't really had the time to focus on it b) I like my day job and the people (but not how they manage the business - let's be clear on that hahahahaha) c) I can't really do the marketing for it. So I'm only doing super small projects usually just one offs. And so I've lost a lot of big projects from the big brands. A LOT which I can actually earn hundreds of thousands. No regrets there, don't worry.

3. REFLECTION

This is Christina Aguilera speaking to me, LITERALLY THROUGH THAT SONG. One day, I was adding songs to my spotify downloads and I ended up with Hakuna Matata, Kiss the Girl, etc. I mean how girly of me, right? Lol 🤦🏻‍♀️ And there goes Reflection. Mulan has been one of my favorite Disney characters as she's a fighter and a firm believer of something. Which is super me also. And I've been reflecting a lot about how I am the past years and I guess when I know I'm right, I always fight back. Plus I'm feeling more ugly. Hahahahaha. Like I tried fixing and I thought that's it, but then it's facade. I'm breaking into pieces.

This time, with that public health project, it's like I just lost energy in general. So I had to reflect about my personality and my life and there goes my previous entry. There's only one thing I'm always getting when I reflect and it's me being strong and independent, hard working yet eager to learn. With all the things that's happening, maybe I've lost it at some point... No, not maybe. I did. But it's always like HERE I AM. Like surrendering to hardships and challenges, accepting weaknesses, so I can turn the wheel to be better. And now, yes, here I am - NOT GIVING UP.

4. WORK AND WORK

I've been ranting to my most trusted colleagues the past days about work and how I'm on life support already. I know everyone's not too well nowadays and I've gotten that energy from everyone else. And I let it in me.

See... Bosses will always push you. Leaders will understand you. And there's someone in between pushing and understanding and that's me or you. Imagine the pressure. BUT because I know I'm losing inspiration and the control of the wheel, I needed something that will make me drive again. Believe it or not, I've been praying for God to give me something that MAKES ME and WHY ME. Basically, my purpose in all these. Like you'll get confused... hotels... tourism... consumers... behaviors and trends... if you really think about it, there's a link for sure, but what makes you there? In that space? And you'll end up thinking that it's just work, really.

The day after I prayed for it, just the next day when I was eating a bread, I've gotten an inquiry for a podcast interview about "anything in times of COVID19." And I chose Philippine tourism. Why? Because I know I'm a driver for it. I've always said that I'd prefer to finish visiting all the islands here more than any other country. Yes, I like traveling outside but Philippines is Philippines. And I had a real talk about my interviewer off the record.. And I told her that I'm no expert but I understand tourism. I know facts, I know numbers, I know shit hahahahaha 😂 Just I know okay?? Hahahahaha 😂 She said maybe you are an answer to fill in gaps about nature and businesses. And I was like... hey... how did you even know that I like nature and businesses? She goes well "if you know it, you are it."

After that, I've gotten 3 more interviews talking about many things under tourism. And just one day last week, I was like I want to be like a BBC or Nat Geo but for something else. And so I started working on it. And now I'm getting back that inspiration to do work and this work.

5. NEW VENTURE

I looked into the mirror and I was like I think I have a face and I have the personality (but I don't have the brain 😅) and still, I can be a good newscaster 😂 It's like:

*With mic
*Now looks at the camera
*Pause
*SMILE*
This is Nath Jardin
Live from the city of Manila...
and this.... *pause*
Is..... *pause*
CNN.

OHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHA Tangina hahahahaha 😂😂 Like I can drive facts and question it.

So it's nature and business, right? I've always loved the idea of sustainability. Again, I'm not an expert but I just want it for the world, for humanity, for the future. It's like what I said in the podcast interview, "Nature and animals has a role to play, but WE also have a role to sustain it." We as humans, we as business makers, we as digital movers, we as game changers. Life changers, even.. That economy depends on the earth, and so on humans - to drive supply and demand. Yet today, not much individuals understands it, more so, realises such matrix. And so I want to build something that will educate people and report to the world what it means to be humans. To change their perspectives about the earth, businesses, and humanity.

So I hope I will play that role well.. at least, in this way. I like it and I'm loving the idea. Hope you'll like it too! Soon! And here's a sneak peak of it, just swipe right!

Cheers, everyone! ❤️

DAD —

An Open Letter to our Broken Relationship

06.21.20

Papa,

There's so much things that I wish to say in person. But you know how I am... I will never really say things in person.

Time and emotions has separated us for years now. I've done a lot of stuff that I'm sure today still disappoints and hurts you. I tried so many times to come back just to see a smile on your face whenever we bump into each other. I said all the things that I wish you could understand and forgive me for. With the years of longing for that, I've suppressed pain long enough like you.. and with all these years, I would still like to be your daughter..

I just want you to know (hopefully you could know) that there are no words of anger from me ever since I left. I was never mad. I just used to long for your understanding and acceptance. But I know that sometimes a dad cares too much for his child, would only want the best, and never wants to fail for family. My disconnection, maybe, would just be all fear. From recurring rejection, from seeing you hurt, from hearing you mad and knowing that your BP will go up again. I'd prefer to be away then... So many fears because you and mama were too perfect.. and I could never be one like you and my siblings. I'm too different and I'm grateful for you on that. You molded me in the best way and it brought me strength and independence today. My life choices has been always a question of "what would you think?" I always think about you and mama. I made wrong ones, that's for sure, because I was angry at myself and not on you - for letting you down of what you wish best of me and for me.

You are one of the best gift I still treasure in my heart and mind. You are the first guy who entered our little family that I've ever loved... and always will. Truly, you are also different like me. To go after this little family, to fight for us when all you family isn't that supportive. With that kind of faith, I have faith in us. To heal and mend... one day when you're ready.

Happy happy father's day, my papa.

Always loving you,
Chin

The Lyrical Mixtape

No Words

06.27.20

I've always been the one to say the first goodbye
Had to love and lose a hundred million times
Had to get it wrong to know just what I like
Now I'm fallin'
You say my name like I have never heard before
I'm indecisive but this time I know for sure
I hope I'm not the only one that feels it all
Are you fallin'?

Living in a world where no one's innocent
Oh, but at least we try
Gotta live my truth, not keep it bottled in
So I don't lose my mind
Baby, yeah
I can feel it on my skin
It's coming down on me
Teardrops on my face
Water like misery
Let it wash away my sins
It's coming down on me
Let it wash away

I said, ooh, I'm blinded by the lights
No, I can't sleep until I feel your touch
I said, ooh, I'm drowning in the night
Oh, when I'm like this, you're the one I trust
Hey, hey, hey

No one's calling for me at the door
An unpredictable won't bother anymore
And silently gets harder to ignore
I forgot that I might see
So many beautiful things
I forgot that I might need
To find out what life could bring

And I'll be singing, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
You're breaking me, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
You're breaking me, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
You're breaking me, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

With just one touch
You take me there
Without your love
We go nowhere
With just one touch (you're always there to remind me)
You take me there (when water's rough you will still be there)
Without your love (you're always there right beside me)
We go nowhere
With just one touch
With just one touch

When you're weary
And the road is dark
And I'll guide you
With the beating of my heart
And if the cavalry
And the help don't come
Well, then we'll find a way to dodge a smoking gun
'Cause, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we'll say a little prayer
But, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh if the answer isn't fair (then call on me)
You know you can call on me
When you need somebody
You know you can call on me
When you can't stop the tears from falling down, down, down
You know you can call on me
Call on me, darling
You know you can call on me
Call on me, darling (call on me)
When you can't stop the tears from falling down

Can you hear me? S.O.S.
Help me put my mind to rest
Two times clean again, I'm actin' low
A pound of weed and a bag of blow

Every day
You're saying the words that I want you to say
There's a pain in my heart and it won't go away
Now I know I'm falling in deep
'Cause I need you here with me
Every day
You're saying the words that I want you to say
There's a pain in my heart and it won't go away
Now I know I'm falling in deep
'Cause I need you here with me

Can I tell you something just between you and me?
When I hear your voice, I know I'm finally free
Every single word is perfect as it can be
And I need you here with me
When you lift me up, I know that I'll never fall
I can speak to you by saying nothing at all
Every single time, I find it harder to breathe
'Cause I need you here with me

Re-vamp

Scratching the surface

07.09.20

--

When you feel like you're not worth having for for anyone and that there's so much more you can give but you cannot because experiences cannot erase fears, anxieties, and insecurities... so then regret and doubting self covers a big chunk of your heart.

Communication.

Honesty.

Consistency.

These things you've never had to really trust someone, more so, yourself for the change..

--

11:11

Spirits Says Yes, But When

Photo by @tarnellisart

--

07.21.20

I think about when I can find my light again
Just me in this naked scene, this good sheets
Maybe it's just really me to grow old with
Yet I still wish for you and me
In time

--

Dear Nathalie

11.21.20

--

Paradise

In the fading light, hearts collide
Shadows dance in the distance
Something just ain’t right, I’m cold inside
Help me find what I’m missing

We’re all scared to fly, still, we try
Learn to be brave, see the other side
Won’t you lead me there? Have no fear
Close your eyes, find paradise

Oh, my, my, my
There’s a thousand miles between you and I
Oh, my, my, my
Just a thousand miles between me and paradise

Oh, my, my, my
There’s a thousand miles between you and I
Oh, my, my, my
Just a thousand miles between me and paradise

Oh (Paradise), oh, my, my, my
Oh (Paradise), oh, my, my, my
Oh (Paradise), oh, my, my, my
Just a thousand miles between me and paradise

When the dark has gone, the morning’s won
We’re gonna feel something different
It will set you free if you just tell me
Every secret, I’ll listen

We’re all scared to fly, still, we try
Learn to be brave, see the other side
Won’t you lead me there? Have no fear
Close your eyes, find paradise

Paradise, paradise
Close your eyes, find paradise
Paradise, paradise
Close your eyes, find para

Oh, my, my, my
There’s a thousand miles between you and I
Oh, my, my, my
Just a thousand miles between me and paradise

Oh, oh, my, my, my
Oh, oh, my, my, my
Oh, oh, my, my, my
Just a thousand miles between me and paradise

Paradise

Photo by INPRNT

--

02.14.21

Don't underestimate the power of vision and direction. These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable pathways and expanding opportunities.

Choose your destination and articulate your Being.

As the great nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche so brilliantly noted, "He whose life has a why can bear almost any how."

Maybe 2020 was really a shake up, but I find each story a build up. People had their own chaos and order. Something that only Last Year could explain... the impact, the thoughts, the feelings... just all rumbled inside of us.

My why's didn't add up, didn't even make sense. My how's are all lost. My life in the past months was a whole bunch of that. I wanted to be elsewhere.

Maybe for you, too.

For each day you ask, what can you do to get your order back? And when you thought you did, chaos just never stopped.

Order is not enough. You can't be stable, and secure, and unchanging, because there are still vital and important new things to be learned.. new people, new experiences, new perspectives.

It's amazing.

It's also amazing how time and choices made us different.. seeking balance for every ticking sound, only moving forward and living our why's and how's.

Peterson whispered to my ear with a bright light shining through. I lost myself for exactly six months today and I found myself again an hour ago.

A restart from Commune.

Maybe for the reason that I know it's still the same road we're in.. just with the lights of red and green.

But, honestly, it's mainly because there's familiarity between the life you and I lived - our own silenced yin yang.

There were actually good frames per second of us tonight.

We know that someday something will be our push back moment once again. Definitely, and again, we'll lose our vision and direction because it's plainly irresistible forces. We need to be strangers to find us, I agree, Peterson.

An order and a chaos altogether.

And there's a part of us that is scary but exciting. By then, we’ll be in the same coordinates. Like re-learning our energies and dancing.

Maybe in five or ten years, maybe in paradise.. when we really choose a destination that articulates our being - that is where our meaning is found.

Meduza said:

Shadows dance in the distance

Won't you lead me there? Have no fear

There's a thousand miles between you and I

Just a thousand miles between me and Paradise

That J.Lo Story —

Time After Time

just a little bit longer

04.24.21

The dream language. One morning, I was dreaming about a guy who was killing me with gunshots. I was sleeping well, but it was like a repeated dream story wherein I woke up several times panting heavily because it was the same scene repeatedly. I looked it up online, actually, and it says “being disappointed with someone close to my heart if the gunshots are in the chest area” or “trying to be strong when you’re already having a hard time.” HMM. When I try to comprehend it, maybe it’s like pulling me close but pushing me further in the 3D world. When I try to go deeper, maybe I am disappointed with someone. But.. naaah. Let’s not talk about that LOL. If I could be honest here, I’ve been distracted mentally and emotionally. For many things, but the things that matter to me.

Caffeine. So then, let’s wake up.. to the 3D world. I went coffee shopping online and I realised that maybe I would want to put up an importation company! There’s a new trendy cafe now in my area, Arabica %. Interestingly, the concept is incredibly simple. You could see that they have some coffee bean “sacks” but they said they don’t have the coffee from those countries. Don’t guess where it’s from because it’s (obviously) from South America. Cafe Quindio, the Gourmet edition, is the beeeeest for me. I’ve inquired on their website some weeks ago and they are open to this idea. Imagine if I could bring quality coffee to Asia. Journey just said, “don’t stop believing!”

Adrenaline. We’re still dreaming. hahahahhahaha! Wait, let me sing for a bit. 🎶 Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues… Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard. Their shadows searching the niiiight. 🎶 Okay, so here’s the thing: I’ve been out of cardio baseline. Last night, I was out with some friends and I was sharing that being a performer is different from being a competitor. I was trained to dance with high precision - very different from a dancer who entertains. I was dancing one morning, and I was like.. Okay.. I’m doing a lot of cardio now, none of my friends knows that I have a TikTok account. So let’s try that. LOL 😂 I cannot even imagine myself being an influencer, por Dios! I thought this app was easier ‘cause you don’t need to use proper cameras and lights, etc. but maaan, it’s one hell of an effort! I was dancing and recording, and I was like… yeaaaah.. I don’t think my talent for dancing reflects through a camera hahahaha. I mean, come on, people who understand dance is always better to watch in real life. And there goes Britney and Riri, “Na na na come on.. ‘Cause I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it!”

Therapy. This TikTok thing is a cocaine. Hahhahaha it’s really addicting! I was just viewing good looking men there, like Henry Cavill. For my own sake. And then my search algorithm just goes from hot men to some kuyas dancing on the street! Hahahha. I was in a zoom meeting with a creative agency, and the CEO was there. And after 2 meetings, he was like “Share to me your glooming secret, Nath!” I was like… OH WOW. I didn’t even know that glows could transmit some kind of like good energy on digital. The best thing in this pandemic is that I’ve learned to accept and laugh. Sometimes, I wonder if my boss gets even irritated that I laugh a lot lately. Hahaha (I hope he gets irritated because he’s been hot-headed). But I think it’s only because the past year gave me one of the biggest heartbreak of my life and there’s not really much to dwell on anymore.. It’s what they call now as LANGUISHING.

So yes, 5D world is way more true to 3D. I think Avicii would know what I’m saying. Our inner desires and deepest thoughts don’t really reflect the same way we want on earth. We have unique ways to learn and be responsible for ourselves.

I have faith in good things and that’s what keeps me finding myself back on track again.

Bitterness will keep you from flying. Always stay humble and kind. - Tim MacGraw

OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE