I hope you know you fucked me up really bad this time.

I hope you know I don’t hate you but I’m slowly losing love for you.

I know I may give off those “I’ll always love you” vibes but that shit is slowly fading.

I constantly find myself wondering if you truly love/ loved me or if I was just another girl on your roster.

Do you keep coming back bc you know I’ll take you
back every time.

I constantly ask myself “does he actually love me or is this some kind of joke or illusion”

Like bro you have me this fucked up in the head and it honestly embarrassing that I allow myself to be like this over you.

I hope if you get over me and find someone new that you remember that they’ll never love you the way I did.

I hope you know I’ll always love you but at some point I have to let you go.

I can’t keep going on like this.

At this point it’s not your fault, it’s mine for letting shit get this bad.

I hope you know I gotta let you go even tho I still love you.

I didn’t think he was the kind of dude to hurt me but he did.

He does it time and time again but yet I still love him.

It’s not even his fault but I feel he’s somehow still at fault

I know it’s bad for me but I don’t care as long as he’s there I feel like the only person he actually wants.

I feel like I’m the only girl he sees.

I feel like with him I’m the prettiest girl in his eyes.

But sometimes he sends mixed signals and it confuses me.

Even tho he doesn’t do purposely it still hurts.

But even if I hurt I’ll still choose him over anyone else.

Truth is I’m scared of love.

I’m scared of loving someone to the point where my mood depends on if they’re mad at me.

I’m scared that I’ll give too much love than I receive and I’ll fall back into that dark place I js got out of.

I feel like I’m too much of a gullible and naive person and that causes me to come off as a stupid person.

I js wanna love healthy again.

I wanna be able to look at that one person and be able to see the person I wanna be with forever.

I don’t ever wanna have to say goodbye to him and know I lost him forever.

I wanna know that he’ll never leave.

But then again people have lives that have to go on with or without me.

Whichever decision is made I have to accept it and move on.

Truth is I’m slowly maturing and learning to accept reality.

I wish I had a Time Machine.

If I had a Time Machine I’d go back to the simpler days.

Back when liking a guy or girl was js a crush.

Back to when relationships weren’t js abt sex.

Back to when life wasn’t stressful.

Back to when I wasn’t struggling with sobriety.

Back to when I was eating normally.

Nowadays I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

I stop at the mirror and stare.

I don’t even recognize that fake ass smile I put on.

I barely recognize my face anymore bc I either wear too much makeup or I’m js being insecure.

I miss the days
where I wasn’t struggling with body image issues.

I wish I could go back and stay young forever.

I wish I could go back and reclaim my innocence.

I wanna go back.

I wish I had a Time Machine.

I hate the way I look.

I haven’t always been like this tho the world did this.

Any time someone says something to me it’s rarely ever nice.

I used to have this perfect image for myself.

I used to think I was pretty.

I used to be careless.

Now all it takes is one comment and I’m not eating.

All it takes is one look in the mirror and I’m ready to relapse.

One look at my bare body and I’m ready to end it all.

This world has cruel ass beauty standards and I’m falling into that trap.

I wanna get out but I can’t.

It’s like I’m running in circles and can’t stop.

I’m constantly running from my problem but it’s never healthy and probably is worse for my health.

I went from not caring to smoking all of my pain away.

Now I seek validation from niggas and all they want in the end is sex.

So frfr I’m not getting anywhere.

I went from being girly to being more of a tomboy.

Maybe it’s cause of my sexuality or something but I hate it.

I hate how I look.

Honestly I’d rather not have a dad then having the one I have.

Like you lie sm for no reason and I used to believe you.

I used to defend you but not anymore.

I used to believe you were trying but not no more.

You’ve been lying for years talking bout some “imma come see you.”

Nigga when, like at this point ion believe you was gonna ever come.

I’m glad I ain’t that naive little girl no more cause now Ik you was lying.

Like because of you I don’t trust dudes.

Because of you I had to seek validation from niggas that js wanted me for my body.

Because of you I have abandonment issues and attachment issues.

Because of you I don’t have a stable mental health.

Honestly I can’t fully blame you cause I fell right in your trap.

I love you dearly but respectfully, fuck you.

Never did I think I would ever relate to a show character then ginny came along.

Ginny is so pretty honestly but struggling with so much mentally and physically, js like me.

Through all of this she self harms, js like me…

She started at 12, I started at 11.

She seeks male validation, and so do I.

My point is we’re so alike but different in some ways.

She has Marcus who gets her and helps her through her issues.

I have A and he helps me through my shit.

He’s patient, he listens, and he helps a lot.

Although we have our ups and downs, he’s still like the Marcus to my Ginny and I love him for that.

I honestly don’t deserve him but he’s still here so imma enjoy it.

I js hope I don’t lose him.

He’s always there when I need him most and I appreciate that sm.

One day I’ll pay him back for this but until then I’ll just love him.

Love is overrated.

Love is a drug.

Love is like a slow acting poison.

It’ll slowly hurt you more and more but it’ll be too late.

Love will rip you to shreds and not have any remorse.

Without love I’d be better off.

Without love I’d be happy.

Without love I’d be mentally sane.

But here I am messed up all because I love too hard.

Maybe I’m the problem.

Maybe I’m this issue.

Maybe I’m the reason for the arguments we have.

Every good thing I have I always lose.

I try time and time again to better myself but I fail.

I try to have successful relationships but I fail.

I try to be the best I can but can never seem to get it right.

Maybe I’m the root to all the issues revolving around me.

If I wasn’t here the world would have less issues.

Maybe I’m really the problem.

Every now and then I go numb.

I lose all possible feelings and emotions and just simply exist.

I feel as though my feelings don’t exist so I js don’t exist.

It’s not like I ever really matter cause nobody cares about me.

It’s like my silent cries are simply disregarded.

By every now and then I mean I always feel numb.

I always feel irrelevant.

My feelings never matter so I’ll just fall back into the shadows like I did time and time before.

All I ever wanted was to be enough for you.

All I want is for you to love me.

I get what I expect from you but still sometimes question if it’s real or fake.

All I want is to know you won’t leave.

All I need is a little reassurance and I’ll be ok.

I wish I wasn’t like this.

I wish that I could change.

I wish I was normal.

I wish I could not care and be happy for once but it seems merely impossible.

I wish I was like other girls and not js some weirdo.

Maybe if I was normal you’d love me more

I wish I was good enough.

I wish my presence was actually valued.

I wanna be loved.

And I wanna love back.

No matter how hard I try I always mess up and have to restart.

If I was normal I wouldn’t have to worry about this.

If I was good enough you’d actually want me.

If I wasn’t an emotional train wreck I’d be taken seriously.

All I want more than anything is to be taken seriously.

I really work to be good enough but it never pays off.

I wanna be normal and maybe I’ll be enough or at least come close.

But until then I’ll be this unheard, unhappy, weird, and misunderstood person.

For as long as I can remember I’ve never been understood as a person.

No one has ever tried to understand me.

Everyone sees me as this bubbly person when I’m trying to figure out who I am.

Nobody sees the real me and I’m starting to accept that.

Nobody wants to see the real me and I’ll accept that at some point.

The only reason I’m still here and making an effort at this is because of A.

He’s the only person trying to understand me.

He’s the only one who cares.

He’s the only one that makes me feel wanted.

Without him I’d be completely lost.

Without him I’d be fully misunderstood.

I say it didn’t affect me but it did.

I say I’m fine but I’m not.

I’m shocked that I even made it this far.

I’ve tried 3 times and I’m still here so obviously I have some kind of purpose.

I’d rather not be here then being here and knowing he’s still roaming around with no remorse.

I honestly hope he just drops dead.

The moment I’d get the news I wouldn’t care.

I wouldn’t even put on a fake act.

I might even laugh a lil bit.

He don’t deserve to be free honestly.

If I could I’d honestly go back in time and tell myself the stuff someone should have told me.

I shouldn’t be blaming myself but then again it’s my fault.

I should’ve did something.

I could’ve stopped him.

I could’ve prevented all this but here I am traumatized.

Here I am with trust issues.

Now I barely trust dudes that Im close with cause idk what they might do.

I wish it was different but it’s not and I’m still here so I don’t have a choice.

Maybe I’m just overreacting and it wasn’t that bad.

Maybe I can’t accept it.

Whatever it is I just want it to go away.

Tbh I’m not like other girls.

I’m hella insecure.

I feel like everyone hates me.

Im delusional and get jealous easily.

Tbh I think I’m weird.

Tbh I wish I could change.

I’m never enough for anyone.

It’s honestly like the world would be better off without me.

Every now and I try to make the a better place but I’m still so it’s not working.

I really wish I could seem at least the slightest bit of normal.

Tbh I’d do anything to be accepted in society.

I admit I’m a problem.

I admit I’m mentally unstable.

I say these things because they kinda take part in who I am.

I’m deeply messed up from thing I’d rather not speak on

I wish I’d recover normally but I can’t.

I know it’s not an excuse for how I am but it’s a warning label.

If you can’t accept that then js simply stay away.

I say communication is key but go silent when I’m hurt.

I want them to share their thoughts and feelings but I bottle mine up.

Communication is key but when it comes to me I’m silent.

Maybe that’s why things never work for me.

It hurts to know she doesn’t believe it actually happened

It hurts because I have trauma and remember every day what happened

It hurts because she doesn’t believe me

I know they say “believe the victim” but she clearly doesn’t

She probably never has.

But all I want I for her to believe me

Why don’t you believe me.

Without self harm I feel different,

I feel empty

Empty because that filled a void that needed filling

Empty because it made things easier

Empty because it removed things from my mind

Empty because it made me feel lighter in a way.

Life was somehow better with self harm but now that it’s not there anymore I feel like shit.

I’m tired of not being okay.

I’m tired of faking.

I’m tired of acting day after day.

I’m tired of shitty mental health and unstable sobriety.

I’m tired of being tired.

And this isn’t okay for me being only 14.

I wanna be strong,

I wanna be happy.

I wanna be like normal people with normal mental health.

I wanna be pretty

I wanna be enough for them

I wanna be everything but what I am now.

Relapsing always passes my mind

But I don’t do it

I don’t do it because acting on impulse isn’t good

I don’t do it because I don’t wanna disappoint people

I don’t do it because I wanna be able to say I tried

Relapsing always passes my mind

But I don’t do it

I don’t do it because I have to make them proud

I don’t do it because I have to seem normal

being away from home made
me happy

it made things easier for a while

being away from home is something i needed

something that cleared my mind

this place is nice and mostly stress
free

i like it here but now it’s time for home

i like it away from home but home is nice
too

i wanna be spoiled but
not in the way of being
a gold digger

i wanna love and be loved
more than i do

i wanna be happy and know
they’re happy too

i wanna be more than what
i’m seen as

i wanna be all these things but i
can’t, simply because i’m me.

i’m not ready for the
day they come back
and he leaves me

he’ll choose them
most definitely.

they were here first so
he’ll forget me

he’ll forget our future
and the things we had
planned

he’ll forget i was the
“love of his life”

i’m not ready for that day

i don’t think i’ll ever be ready

if he leaves i’ll never be the
same.

if he leaves i’ll never heal

i’m not ready to be empty
again

i’m not ready for that heart
ache

i’m not ready to be alone.

life feels surreal
at the current
moment

everything moves
very slow to me and
seems to be dying.

my will to live has
begun to decrease

my motivation in things
i used to love are gone

life feels surreal but i
ignore it.

i ignore it in hopes it’ll
get better

in hopes i will get better.

life feels surreal but i move
on carefully hoping i won’t
give up.

i wanna make them
proud but what if i
fail them

i wanna make them
proud but i slowly
want to give up

i wanna be the daughter
she deserves but she isn’t
the mom she could be and
he’s not a father at all

i wanna be the sister he wants
but i’ll never be normal enough
for him to claim

i wanna be the niece she raised
me to be but she ignored my cries

i wanna be the girlfriend he deserves
but i may never be enough

i wanna be all these things but
my will is gone

i wanna make them proud but
i’m losing myself

when you need me
i’ll be there

when you don’t need
me i’m still there

eventually you’ll need
someone to cry on

eventually you’ll need
someone who’ll listen

eventually you’ll need
me

and when eventually
comes i’ll be here
waiting.

i still love you because
i never plan to stop

i still love you because
you’ll either be my forever
or the reason i cry at night

i still love you because
you never gave me a
reason to stop

i still love you because
you’re helping me find
myself

i still love you because
you love me for me even
after everything i caused