The word 'empathy' seems to have lost its meaning over time. Most people lack empathy- because in truth, they don't fully know what it means, and society often makes it seem like a negative trait.

Empathy refers to understanding what others are going through and why they're behaving the way they are - it's not because they're 'bad people', but because everyone has dealt with past experiences, causing them to think and act a certain way.

Everyone has had a different upbringing, which, in some cases, makes them oblivious to other outcomes and childhoods as theirs is normalised.

Being selectively kind to those you deem as 'good' people is not empathy, as it deems certain people unlovable or 'bad' when in reality, they just have a largely different perspective and varying experiences from yours or other people's.

However, having empathy for someone does not mean letting people get away with doing anything at all but to give grace, to understand where a person is coming from, and overall choosing peace and humanity rather than falling into the traps of miscommunication and unnecessary conflict. It is very much possible to be empathetic while having self respect and good boundaries.

So why do people act the way they do? Mostly because society has shaped them to 'be strong' rather than to feel. We get told that people who show 'too much' emotion are "crybabies", "sensitive", etc. When being sensitive isn't a bad thing at all, and it shows a person's ability and strength to feel things deeply.

Let's make one thing clear - detachment from emotions and feelings ≠ strength.

Rory Gilmore is a main protagonist of the TV show 'Gilmore Girls'. She is a well-known character often seen as an academic weapon with great interest in studies. What most people miss about her character's development, however, is how she slowly got burnt out as she progressed in her education. Let's simplify it:

In the beginning of the show, we see that Rory excels in all academic fields and has perfect grades. She is conditioned to being known as one of the smartest everywhere she goes and most of her life is about getting into her dream school. Everyone treats her like she is simply destined for greatness.

When she does get into Yale, however, we see her character change. She's no longer the smartest girl in the room and has to work twice as hard to excel. After putting too much pressure on herself to be perfect, she got burnt out. Not just that, everyone around her acted as if she was meant to be perfect - the external and internal pressure finally causing her to crack.

After that, we see her drop out of Yale, lose contact with her mother - whom she once shared a precious and powerful connection with, and started living at her grandparents' place, leading the kind of life she originally would have considered a nightmare.

Toxic productivity is an unhealthy obsession with achievement in order to be perfect in a field to the extent of sacrificing one's own health and well-being, such as in Rory's case.

We see that a large part of her motivation came from being known as the best, wanting to maintain that reputation, and getting into an Ivy League school. Her motivation, dreams and goals were based on expectations, both external and self-inflicted, as well as the idea of a dream school- neither of which were lasting enough for the long run. After she reached her main goal, she lost her source motivation and direction.

Toxic productivity and non-solid motivation like Rory's leads to burnout because it creates a cycle of relentless effort without adequate rest and recovery, ultimately causing mental and physical exhaustion as well as negative consequences to all forms of health, including losing long-lived emotional stability and connections - such as with Rory and her mom.

How do you help toxic motivation?

1. Acknowledge your skills and good traits, don't undercredit or invalidate yourself.

2. Try to find genuine motivation from your own perspective, and your own reason for doing or achieving something- rather than relying on external validation and motivation from other people. It's not a bad thing to have the support of others at all, in fact, it helps a lot, but it becomes a problem when the only reason for your drive and motivation becomes external and dependent on other people. In which case, even slight criticism or not getting the validation you were expecting from others can make you insanely demotivated and question your skills, abilities, and path.

3. Be kind to yourself- don't blame yourself when you fail at something or have difficulty with a situation. No one's perfect, and even the most inspiring, well-known people didn't get where they are now without any difficulty. Everyone has their own struggles, and even people who seem like they have everything perfectly planned out for them have tough times and moments of doubt when no one's looking.

The term "victim mindset" is often misused nowadays. A lot of people mistakenly believe that a person simply stating that they've been wronged, even when genuinely true, is an act of "victimizing oneself" or attention-seeking. This isn't true in most cases.

Expressing that you feel wronged shouldn't be automatically dismissed as attention-seeking, that just invalidates genuine feelings. While it's true that not everyone who claims to be wronged has actually been wronged, simply voicing that feeling, especially to clarify a situation, isn't something negative or bad at all.

A "victim mindset" or attention-seeking behavior typically involves publicly blaming others for personal gain. In contrast, privately addressing how someone's actions affected you is a healthy attempt to resolve conflict and not an indication of a victim mindset.

In most cases, people with genuine victim mindsets feel that forms of confrontation, advice, and even constructive criticism is personal hate, without realising the difference between genuine hatred and helpful advice- over time causing the person to be unable to differentiate between genuine people and fake friends or family.

This can stem from issues such as repeated trauma, abandonment, bullying, etc. which causes someone to start believing that life is always out to criticise them and their true selves.

Especially after repeated bad experiences or betrayals with people, a person might start needing time away from criticism and even genuine help after hardships, needing time to feel more confident within themselves- otherwise even the smallest forms of confrontation can trigger a spiral of avoidance and negative self-talk.

So, how do you help someone with a victim mindset?

1. Understand and value their perspective and emotions. Don't think that there's something wrong with them or they're being selfish because they could very well be dealing with a lot.

2. Don't be overly confrontational. It can make them more scared of vulnerability.

3. Understand where they're coming from and when they put in effort to deal with conflict or confrontation and validate them for it, letting them know you see their struggles.

4. Don't expect everything to be okay instantly. A self-sabotaging mindset like this can be really difficult to deal with and can take a while to heal. Be patient with them and over time things will get better. :)

Being honest is important and truth builds trust in all of our friendships and relationships. Honesty without kindness, however, can do more harm than good. When the truth is delivered with no thought for how it might come off to others, it can cut deep. It stops being helpful and starts to hurt.

When we speak with compassion, people are more likely to listen, learn, and grow.
At its best, honesty builds connection and trust. But without kindness, it can become cold, sharp, even cruel. Truth matters, but how we share it matters just as much.

When we say, “I’m just being honest,” right before saying something unnecessarily harsh, that's not honesty, it's brutality. There’s a big difference between being honest and being unkind. Telling someone your opinion, without care or encouragement, does more harm than good. Words hold great power, and to hide rude behaviour and hatred behind a mask of 'honesty' is misuse of it.

This doesn’t mean we should lie to protect people’s feelings. Real kindness isn’t about sugar-coating or avoiding the truth. It’s about the tone of how we say and word things; choosing words that are truthful but also gentle and respectful. It’s about wanting to help, not hurt. Being honest while being nice is not manipulative or passive-aggressive, it's basic decency, and helps you properly convey your message to others, preventing them from misunderstanding it.