Comfortable at the dinner table words left unsaid.........

"Why didn't you tell me the chaos involved in being an adult."

Why I believe words are left unsaid...........

Here's my personal opinion on why I think we avoid uncomfortable conversations with our families

We don't want to have to discuss topics or be asked questions that may be embarrassing for ourselves & our  children if brought up in conversation I believe that is why we leave words unsaid however in the end words unsaid lead to years of uncertainity. My childhood wasn't good it just wasn't despite the picture my mom likes to illustrate  for people.  In the early 90s when I was five we had a housefire I lost my brother Adam  during the fire it was a moment  in my life in which  I still remember every detail of now even  at thirty-four. The fire not only took Adam's life it robbed us of a childhood and of having parents. From five to sixteen after Adam's death my parent's drank sunrise to sunset they fought we  all went to bed early some nights with no dinner we all wished for a normal family my brothers and I would pray on the school bus as we rode home that our parents just not be drunk when we got home God sure let us down most of those days because they where usually always beligerent & drunk is how I use to believe when I was a child now as an adult I see God was preparing us for circumstances we would later face in life You know in eleven years never once did we sit down and talk about Adam's death not once my parents never took us  to Adam's  grave,  so many words that where needing to  be said in order for all of us to heal that  should have been said at our  dinner table  words we all desperately prayed would be said where left unsaid never spoken. I am  not angry at my parents not even a little suprisingly not today anyways. Many times we want to avoid being  uncomfortable or avoid conversations that bring up topics  which may trigger the pain in our hearts that we avoid talking about so we remain silent well  you can pretend its not there but it is and it  doesnt just hurt you it also hurts your loved ones when you remain silent. My parents where not the only ones that suffered from Adams death my brothers and I suffered most of the time  alone and we where just young children. because my parents drank all their pain away. At least they thought until the hungover came and they sobered up. No words ever spoken pain lingering fearful of tears  maybe or of accepting the reality  Adam was gone may have been why my parents left defermential conversations unaddressed. The lack of words would later  lead to us their  children as adults not knowing how to properly deal with loss or  us knowing how to be assertive when expressing our emotions. My point tonight is this if we would have  had just  sat around the fucking  table together  and cried together said the words we all had on our mind back then  I believe we would have all healed more plus avoided mistakes even  arguements we've faced as adults. To be brutally honest I believe we still suffer today from our childhood.  My blog the dinner table words left unsaid is inspired by my childhood for eleven years my parents where less then  participating parents in my life they where trying to avoid being uncomfortable avoid the pain of losing a child so  we sat several damn nights around the dinner table pure silence in the air well we should have been having  conversations the fucking uncomfortable ones why   so we could heal instead  of harboring pain and anger which lead to my brothers and I growing into adults uncertain of ourselves with pain we havent healed from that happened decades ago. Talk to your family talk to your kids get fiercely honest & damn brutual with them turn red fidget with your hands i dont care but please talk dont leave words left unsaid. Thanks for reading tonight friends much love & Happy Halloween yall!

Words I've left unsaid —

By not saying the words on my mind I have become aggitated.

In Febuaray I came back home for the first time in quite sometime I stayed about a week & felt nothing had changed not even in the slightest in fact things actually seemed worse. My mom's health seemed to have decline & with great certainity I knew she was on some sort of substance she had lost her husband in October 2019 & seemed to not have healed from the loss or even begun to heal. So I went ahead and moved in with a friend three hours away for my sanity and sobriety. I wish then I had told my mom to get her shit together to deal with her demons because I was going through to much on my own I couldnt deal with with an addict mother as much as I loved her. Well I left those words unsaid and about three months later my oldest daughter called to tell me my mom gad lost weight etc I knew then she was using. I wish it wasnt true but I know even today present day shes using. I dont care what she says she continues to lie to my face even today. Poor hygiene hair & weight loss substances alcohol or drug use either was she shouldnt be doing it. Today present day my emotions are scattered Im dealing with a mom whom is likely addicted to drugs. That in itself is stressful then add the rest of my lifeband current stress factors and that alone makes you want to numb all emotions but what will that ultimately solve. I have said things to my mom a time or fifty she gets mad and I can tell I can see her get angry but most addicts do when confronted. The words ive left unsaid and trying to be there for others who are ignorant and selfish has me paying the consequences now. I wish I never came home I wish I hadnt left words unsaid. Im not sure how to say the words to my mom I just know I dont express emotions well so throat punching her isnt an option I said what I said we all feel it from time to time. I just had the balls to say it unlike you. Thanks for listening to my 6am rambles that I have stayed up half the night worried about.

To the one who tried to steal my joy......

"The words I wish I would have said instead I stayed ."

Stop
This isnt love
I dont deserve this
Its not me
Im good enough
Why are you doing this
I cant breathe

Those are just a few words I left unsaid that I wish I would have said as I was packing my kids and all my shit in my car and leaving an abusive spouse I guess we can all dream. The reality was those words where not said the few words I managed to actually say where cries or whipers day after day bruises formed under my skin i even was gasping for air after being choked with a purse strap all to help someone that I loved who I thought loved me who I thought one day would change the change never happened the abuse never got better the tears finally stopped one day and the prayers to die began I couldnt cry anymore because I felt so damn defeated and in the process I also lost my entire sense of feeling safe or secure even today as im healing the scars left from the abuse are fresh and its been almost two years when I stand alone after my shower at night and the steam fades slowly away from the mirror the girl I see is the vulnerable raw version of myself the one who is well aware of the harsh reality that demons are actually humans in disguise. There where so many times I wish I said words instead of shedding tears and Im paying significantly for remaining silent. Imagine giving your entire life to someone and never being good enough even worse though is realizing you actually where good enough. I always have and always will be good enough even as I write this tonight tears for the nieve loving woman I use to be that will never be me again is mourned the loss of her its like a part of me died its sad that the person who promised in front of friends family and God to protect me actually hurt me most. Sometimes people are just fucking shit gosh they are just horrible pieces of utter shit no matter what you do they will remain pieces of shit. If you are going through domestic violence up your shit or leave it but just leave you are worth it. If the words you never heard the words left unsaid that you need to hear in order for you to leave are you are enough well you are enough and you are worth it leave it isnt going to get any better. I dont want you to have to live in a shelter for 8 weeks or to have to always sit facing the door i dont want you to have to run to your car at night after you clock out because noone has said you are worth it. Words left unsaid if we would just say them can actually save you years of scar tissue heartache pain and anxiety. I just want to live my life I want to feel safe and I needed someone like the friends I have today say you are enough so I could realize I didnt deserve all that pain all those brusies and I was never going to be able to change it. So you are so fucking enough you have always been more then enough. Also its hard its complicated this healing thing its really fucking hard but you and I all of us we are going to get through this & one day we will look in the mirror after the steam fades and instead of only seeing scars see the strength we gained from the pain we endured and say I am enough always have been always will be I pray these are the unsaid words someone needs to here to give them tbe courage to leave.

To the man who could have been the love of my life " —

"These are the words I should have said instead of leaving them unsaid."

We will call him AB years ago I met AB by chance I was going on a date with his friend who was a jerk & as I was leaving I slipped AB a letter in his gym bag. Months later as I was sitting in front of the mirror at my moms doing my make up it was him on the other end of the phone. From then on we became friends and I fell in love with him. Any weekend I could Id drive to him. He always made me feel safe he was my safe haven he was my friend he was the love of my life and I wish I would have said I love you AB grow old with me theres noone else I want to do life with besides you. Those words where sadly left unsaid. I often wonder if I had said all the above to him if it would have changed where we are today. Life just fucking sucks at times because lifes circumstances caused him to break up with me. I cried that day all the way home I cried all that night and even now on the hard days I cry for his touch I guess besides my Dad he is the only other man that I full heartdly trust his voice soothes my worries his touch calms my heartbeat. Hes the man who could have been the love of my life. Today present day im single, I have stayed single for a full year to see if he would choose me if hed take a leap of pure faith sadly that hasnt happened. The thought of AB makes me sad & happy all at the same time. Him and I have never got closure maybe on the day we said good bye if I had sad all the words I left unsaid then maybe I wouldnt be yearning to see him face to face. There was one time we both drove and met one another at a rest area and his kiss reminded me of what we all read about in fairytales. Ive never seemed to be AB's choice two times now hes chosen another woman and J wonder if he knew how much I fiercely love him if hed meet for a coffee date sit face to face because I need to say all the words that have built up over the years because words unsaid leave you wondering what if.

AB chances are you will never read this but if for some chance you do.

I want you to know......
Gosh I just miss you all these years have passed and I miss you. You are the love of my life and you will always be my favorite "what if" Ive stayed single a whole year to see if we had a chance but it hasnt happened. Your voice will always be one of the reasons I made it through the hardest times of my life. Im waiting for that coffee date but if it never happens just know I fiercely loved you then & still do. I just wish youd give in drive here for coffee and us both get the closure that we havent yet got. AB you make me happy & I could do forever with you if you just take a leap of faith.

When you leave words left unsaid....... —

Be courageous and go say them to the ones you love.

Words left unsaid end up as regrets tonight I messaged my dear friend Leah & I said this... So there this guy Adam years ago I was fiercely in love with I mean that real love Leah & we always had fun he always made me feel safe well his ex wife had cancer and he broke up with me because he wanted to take care of her and a part of him I think still loved her. He promised wed always be friends and that wed stay in contact we didnt though I was then with my now ex husband at the time when his wife died and thats when he said he may love me. He broke my heart that day when we broke up so much so that when hid wife died even though I loved him so much I just couldnt be with him. A few weeks after his wife past we met up at a rest area though and it was maybe a week after my ex husband smashed my head into the wall for making his lunch wrong, so I was so nervous shaky and scared to meet Adam but I did and he made every worry every what if & every fear of mine disappear and I remember sitting in his jeep just thinking God I love this man. Thats been years now and I still think oc him everyday. Since then Ive been through alot im sure he gas to. Ive really worked on myself this last year and I needed that but I feel like Adam is my missing piece. Everyday lately a text or a memory of Adam pops up hes in a relationship but I feel like we never got closure. And im almost certain im still in love with him and just want to see him face to face. The words I left unsaid led me to all these chaotic emotions & mess.

Unexpected Blessings......

Grandma at 34 God's plan for my life is difficult to grasp from time to time........ —

I may not be where I want to be but im exactly where I need to be.

Speaking on unexpected blessings this afternoon & how when our prayers aren't answered it's because God has a different vison, one we may not understand but just remember remaining open is the best approach. When Jenny told me she was pregnant and she was only 15 just shy of turning 16 my first thought was OMG her life is ruined, this isn't what we planned for. Life often never goes as we plan it's the truth. I remember in high school i just knew how many kids I would have when I would get married & the floor plan for my first home. Well reality & life sure had different plans because nothing on my five year plan happened in the exact order I had planned for it to. Somedays im thankful they didnt I was nieve years ago all my experiences have humbled me and they have made me greatful for all that I do have even if I didnt follow my five year plan. I had to remind myself of that over and over these last few months as Jenny has been coming closer to her due date. Jenny pregnant at 16 is not what I ever envisioned for her life but pregnant at 17 wasnt what my Mom and Dad envisioned for me either i'm certain of that much however in the end Jenny and my niece Anna where the biggest blessings in my family's life in fact Jenny & Anna are the reason we survived after the death of my Dad because somedays I could barely brush my teeth without bursting into tears at the thought of my Dad. So my point is as Jenny is ready to have her daughter Kinsley in a few short weeks eben though this isnt the life we planned for, I believe that Kinsley is a blessing none the less im sure of it and just like her mom & Anna she will be a blessing in ways we could never imagine. You see life is difficult the easy then calm then hectic life is everything other then predictable. Sometimes we thonk our prayers are left unheard when in fact not a single word was left unheard by God he hears every word we say, but maybe just maybe the words left unsaid to God are the prayers hes answering for us we just don't know it yet. Be open to unplanned circumstances in your life, dont go in with a hostile attitude when you approach a unknown situation. Go in with an open mind & a thankful heart even if its not what you prayed for, God gives us what we need not what we want so be still & listen observed & praise God even when you are uncertain of what has been laid before you. Pray Breathe Repeat he knows exactly what hes doing even when we can't quite understand. Have faith God will guide you if you are just open to acceptance of his plans for your life.

Ava Kinsley Kramer 6.19.2015

Always loved forever missed & never forgotten........

Grace & Faith.........

Should always be bigger then any of your fears.

"Our deepest roots are born out of the winter nights when we've had to dig into the shallow dirt of our infant beliefs and reach into the soil of our most core foundations."

"Truth faith the kind that perserves through pain & trials as well as urgency takes a surgical navigation through all the very difficult questions of life. Only doubt will ever get you to ask them."

"I want a faith that doesnt just tickle my inspiration or provides me with cute slogans hell no; I want a faith that can get beat up by suffering scholars and santic evil and still keep on standing through all the seasons of my life."

"Let your faith & grace be far bigger then any of your fears."

We aren't one in the same........

"I'm Holding On Darlin"

I'm Just Not Quite Sure Though At This Moment Whether It Is For You Or I Maybe It's For Us Both.........

Are you staying for love that exist & remains or are you staying to prove to yourself & other's that not everyone walks away when life gets difficult because your so use to other's quitting on you when you needed them the most. It's not your responsibilty to save everyone I know you want to God trust me I know you bear the pain of other's I do as well. If your holding on for love keep on holding on but if your holding own to prove not all people will quit on other's like they did with you then it,'s time to move on. I see you I was you and i'm so sorry people quit on you when you needed them the most. Im all sorts of emotional tonight; Ive been exactly where you are tonight and i'm sorry their are times sadly that no matter what choices you make people get hurt you can only do so much you deserve genuine happiness. Dont leave words left unsaid OK fuck say all your holding back and answer honestly the questions you have been asking yourself that you ponder when alone. We can love a person and if we have genuinely given our all and it fails then you've already proven not everyone will abandon others when difficult situations arise. If you in love like i said hang on fight but dont stay of it ever occurs to you love is gone. If your staying out of concern for what will happened to your spouse voice your love for them tell them it didnt work but god you worth the world you are enough and im never quitting on my obligation of reminding you of that every single day. Then you can say ive gave it my all.

"The Forbidden"

Words Left Unsaid —

Battling regrets from words I wish i'd said and may never get a chance to say them now

Missed opportunities become regrets. A person in my life I fiercely love I know may know how much I care for them but I wish I would've said it more. No day is ever promised you or someone you love could be gone tommorrow it's scary but it's the truth. If you say I love you say again over and over every chance you get to the ones you love. I loveeeeee you.

Always Loved........

Infant loss Ava Kinsley

Grief —

Words left unsaid

Grief the truth about it;

- The tribulations & trials that come with experiencing grief first hand will make you feel as if you are being suffocated or as if your drowning gasping for just one last frantic deep breathe, you feel hopeless & there's no bypassing the pain it's horrific.

- Time does NOT heal all; you learn how to live without your loved one's yes because if you don't learn how to move forward then grief will rob you of the life you are meant to experience but you never heal not completely. A song, a picture, a shirt someone's similiar laugh resembling your loved one will halt you in your step and all the tears 1,2 or 20 years later will hit you just as hard when memories comeback of the ones you love who already have gone home to Heaven just as fierce as the day you buried your loved one.

- You can never prepare yourself for grief no amount of pep talks will allow you an advantage when your standing face to face with the aftermath left behind by death.

-You can't survive through grief without your friends you need them to remind you why life is worth living you just need them to allow you to hysterically cry into the phone to remind you that the pain your enduring is normal you need friends your friends while experiencing the stages of grief to remind you that life is hard painful unfair heartwrenching and impossible but that there somewhere beyond the despair is hope.