The Fauxreign Student
A satirical blog by a student who is foreign to many concepts.
“I am a student who is foreign to many concepts.” he says wisely before sending some of his best work into the world.
Eco-fascism
“Of course, environmentalists don’t think about Ms. Brown’s issue with the matter. Trees are apparently more important than the poor disabled mother of four.”
The modern world has observed numerous tragedies during the last century. Among the end of mandatory military service, women’s rights and Woodstock, lies technology. Technology is responsible for the facility of being contacted any time of the day, any day of the week. A nightmare. More importantly, it has been proven that technology has a direct impact on the decline of the paper industry.
It is crucial to keep in mind that paper is the number one source of revenue in the logging industry. We tend to forget how essential deforestation is. The Oxford Dictionnary refers to “weed” as a growing plant where it is not wanted. As if there were any wanted plants... Every growing plant or tree is a space where a potential building or a parking lot could flourish. Therefore, the logging industry – one of the most respectable and valuable humanitarian enterprises, is working relentlessly on optimizing that enormous waste of space.
Furthermore, the disappearance of paper would have a catastrophic impact on the most productive activity at work: paper plane contests. Not so long ago, tons of boxes were available for aerodynamic shape experiments with plastic-dipped paper, in order to reach the intern’s desk. The substitution of that extremely valuable material with these hideous recyclable ones, has deeply hampered our ability to reach our goal, which is to make the intern’s life miserable. Now, no one has been able to throw farther than the secretary’s desk, making her the new target of our contest. Of course, environmentalists don’t think about Ms. Brown’s issue with the matter. Trees are apparently more important than the poor disabled mother of four.
Therefore, solutions are to be found. Notwithstanding the fact that great efforts have been made these last decades, regarding the large amount of obsolete forests in the world, measure have to be taken concerning the decrease of paper production. We must never yield before eco-fascism.
The Fauxreign Student
Protect Manliness!
“Not to be technical, but the impossibility of conceiving between two of the same genders is a good reminder of how nature should be working.”
In this day and age, some of our traditions are beginning to seriously erode. One of them is a heritage Mother Nature has granted to the luckiest of us since the very beginning of this big circus we all call life: manliness. More than the presence of the adequate reproductive male organ, manliness is about succeeding in vital matters such as: emptying a pint of beer in one gulp or choosing the right pant size so it does not look oddly tight.
Manliness is unfortunately facing some serious threats nowadays, to a point where real men – the kind who never lose sight of the importance of keeping women inside the house, nay the kitchen – have become a rare species. Not to blame anyone, but the person responsible for the felony of gender equality should be hung, drawn, and quartered as the mighty tradition would require. Speaking of lost traditions, what happened to the good old death penalty for sodomites? Luckily, there remain great progressive countries still perpetuating the tradition in the world. Homosexuals, along with democrats, are actively participating in degrading the authority of manliness. Patriarchy has suddenly become pejorative and feminism, an idea worth fighting for.
We live in a world where female football has become an official sport people watch and where we see more male football players crying than accomplish a proper tackle on a dangerous foreign striker. All this media propaganda represents a real threat to mankind and a possible path to human extinction if, God forbid, we keep mixing male and female behavior. Not to be technical, but the impossibility of conceiving between two of the same genders is a good reminder of how nature should be working.
Coming to a solution to all these threats is nearly impossible, unfortunately. Some of us may see forcing women to stay home instead of taking decisions as a good start, but that might be a little extreme, considering the efficiency of women at making coffee at the workplace. Nevertheless, some small but encouraging steps could be taken, such as the return of the shamefully censored Page Three of the Sun or the interdiction of abortion.
The Fauxreign Student
Hum(ins)ane
“I cannot count the times I looked for someone to help me clean the pool or wash my car. But apparently ‘there are other priorities’ as the Red Cross phone lady drily responded to my request.”
A humanitarian, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is a person who seeks to promote human welfare. The term is derived of the word “humane”, which means having or showing compassion. Although some might say that humanitarians have a good impact on the planet, I am yet to be convinced of the veracity of the statement.
The extraordinary amount of money put into humanitarian organizations is an irrevocable waste. The return on investment is ridiculously low, nay non-existent. Numerous shopping malls could be built instead. Some are putting time and energy into travelling to the other side of the earth to help people, when plenty of help could be used locally: I cannot count the times I looked for someone to help me clean the pool or wash my car. But apparently “there are other priorities” as the Red Cross phone lady drily responded to my request. While I have asked humanitarian organizations a number of times about the criteria for being helped, most of them answered in confusing vague terms such as “people in need” or disadvantaged communities. I consider myself a decent human being and I do need my backyard to be taken care of, so I apologize if I remain confused regarding the persistent refusal of my requests.
Not to mention the inexplicable idolization and respect humanitarians receive, sometimes more respect than is ever paid to our most successful businessmen heroes who have contributed to the creation of thousands of manufacturing jobs. Apparently, helping total strangers who live in the middle of nowhere, for no remuneration whatsoever, is admirable and noble according to my ex-wife. The last picture of her on Facebook made me wonder where nobility is in helping a bunch of African kids eating bread, as I was making a sandwich all by myself in the kitchen.
The only impact humanitarians have on this planet, besides participating in the financial crisis by deflecting money for an absurd cause, is the creation of tensions and hatred between communities as a result of their arbitrary selectivity of the “people in need”. Some of them are even starting to talk about humane treatment of aimal. Because now we have to consider animals as humans when we treat them. The only treat I allow myself when it comes to animals, is a big triumphant juicy steak, cooked medium rare.
The Fauxreign Student
Me, Myself & I.
“I would never verbally or physically attack myself or allow myself to sue me in order to discredit me in front of I.”
After thousands of years of existence, humanity has reached, by trial and error, the conclusion that beheading people because of their personal opinions was not entirely efficient, especially in the long-term. Although there still is a respectable amount of purist governments who adhere to good old dismemberment as an ultimate argument against annoying polemics, the modern world chose to adopt democratic systems where they ignore people instead of physically hurting them, with the exact same results. Impressed by so much efficiency, I decided to get more information about democracy. Imagine my surprise when I noticed that the parliament, which is a pillar of democracy, worked exactly the same way as my different personalities when I have to take a personal decision.
The members of the parliament assemble and vote laws proposed by the government, as do all of us when I have a vital decision to make. Me, myself, and I discuss whether or not I should talk to the lady in the bar or if I really need French fries with my sandwich. If me and myself vote yes, I am obligated to yield to the decision of the majority. On the other hand, if me and I lean towards a no-fries policy, I have to keep myself away from them. Although theorically the political system is as simple as human complexity, they remain slightly different in the execution. While me, myself and I vote transparently, members of the parliament often find a subtle way to avoid an uncongenial outcome of a vote such as massive bribery or the use of liberticidal law like the third article of the 49th French law that enforces the adoption of any law regardless of the issue of the votes. That is a considerable difference between the two work methods.
The second main dissimilarity is the intrinsic nature of interaction between the voters. I would never verbally or physically attack myself or allow myself to sue me in order to discredit me in front of I. I respect myself too much to allow me to use a stratagem of tha nature. Members of the parliament, on the other hand, don’t have that consideration towards each other.
In spite of the similarities in the way the members of the parliament and me, myself and I work, the competitive cooperation of the former is not as sane as ours, even though it is always us that people tend to call insane. Apparently, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia but now we feel better, unlike modern democracy, which appears to be very unhealthy.
The Fauxreign Student
Mark Rough-ko? —
“When common people may imagine that two regular blobs always come side by side, Rothko did not see it that way. The mastermind managed to draw them vertically, surprising a large part of the audience.”
Mark Rothko, an American painter of Russian Jewish descent, is one of the most famous postwar American artists. Although he refused to adhere to any art movement, Rothko is generally identified as the most brilliant doodler among his first grade comrades at the Lincoln elementary school. His most famous work is the renowned fluffy bunny picture, which he sublimely managed to color inside the lines. The artwork was realized in the first grade’s coloring book.
On of my favorite Rothko works, is an incredible painting in which he used not one but two entire colors: green and maroon. A mind-blowing tour de force never accomplished before by his peers. The artwork, inventively called “Green and Maroon”, consists of two juxtaposed colored blobs separated by an unexpected third party: blue. The brilliant composition of the artwork, known to cause confusion and to intrigue viewers, is a work of a genius. When common people may imagine that two regular blobs always come side by side, Rothko did not see it that way. The mastermind managed to draw them vertically, surprising a large part of the audience.
Although the painting budget was not high – only two Gouache tubes from Mr. Smith’s bookshop on the corner of the street- he won the school’s 1949 prestigious Coloring Contest. It was the vertical composition that influenced the jury. The little Marky said he was inspired by the two) colored rubber eraser. He hopes that one day he will learn how to draw lines.
The Fauxreign Student
Lingo-holic
“...forty years ago, the scientific world had already discovered the language learning virtues of alcohol consumption and yet, no institution had established official drinking sessions before class. A huge defeat for education.”
A study from the 1970’s demonstrated that English speakers who drank fifteen ounces of alcohol performed better in a Thai pronunciation test, than those who had drunk an alcohol- free placebo, which means that forty years ago, the scientific world had already discovered the language learning virtues of alcohol consumption and yet, no institution had established official drinking sessions before class. A huge defeat for education.
Inebriation is not only the best state in which to learn a language, it is also the most efficient one to practice properly. Who has never witnessed the amazing dynamic of intellectual polyglots at some bar abroad? The habitual indecipherable accent fades completely, opening the way to a perfectly fluent pronunciation. The intellectual level increases significantly when the discussion rises to a whole new dimension of sophisticated vocabulary during a debate regarding millionaire athletes running behind a round piece of leather.
Speaking of exploration of a new vocabulary, practicing under the influence is ideal to learn new terms from off the beaten tracks. When I visited Eastern Europe for holidays, I learned a few elegant idioms amid a night out that made complete strangers uncomfortable just by hearing me speak. Their envious resentment towards my highly elevated style went to a point where they often asked me where I learned that vocabulary with a deeply shocked expression. One of them chased me with a stick, yelling at me hysterically some other expressions I happened to learn that very night. It was probably a sophisticated soviet tradition to entertain their passion of language, who knows?
Benjamin Franklin has never been more right than when he said “tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn”, because I completely forgot what had been taught to me before I got involved in a fight with the gentleman holding the stick. He probably knew that was the best way to learn. He is the most competent teacher I have ever had because he taught me that the best way to learn a language is to trade your backpack for a six-pack and your notebook for a whisky-coke.
The Fauxreign Student
OH HEY, FOR BEST VIEWING, YOU'LL NEED TO TURN YOUR PHONE