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Dating as a Christian lady

Not everyone finds their Mr. Right in the church and with the world evolving more into online dating. I will share my experience in my journey as a young Christian lady

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It's about seeking

The beginning of my journey

Look, Christianity isn't a set of rules it's a way of life, I am sure you are wondering why I say so well its because sin is something every person including me struggles with every single day. Therefore you need a moral compass to keep you in check, don't get me wrong I am no where near perfect but in Christ I am made perfect.

Matthew 6:33 a very famous verse you here every Christian quote says, "But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right—the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also.
Matthew 6:33 AMP"

If you take the time to really read chapter 6 from verse 25, you will have a clear understanding as to what Jesus meant when He said "these things". He was talking about not being anxious for the various things we worry about as individuals but rather in our everyday tribulations, seek Him, everything He stands for and what happens: all the worries you have will be taken away and every one of your needs will be provided. Yes seeking means reading your bible to build an intimate relationship with God and keep yourself in check! Let me remind you that seeking is an individual journey, just like you would be looking earnestly for a significant other or trying to get to know them one on one, thats the kind of energy you need to seek Him.

I try my best to seek Him even in worship, in something someone has said, even in the beauty of nature itself. I know it sounds bizarre but we all find our way of finding God.

This journey of seeking is by far the most important step to firstly finding God, secondly discovering who you are in Christ and last but not the least loving yourself enough to love your significant other.

Seek God, find yourself and love

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The journey part 2

Every journey has its ups and downs, it took alot of self reflection to get to the final conclusion of what I saw to be necessary for me.

Like every other Christian I never started off my journey in a good state. I dated the wrong people, found myself in awkward situations and dated for the seemingly wrong reasons: to fill that emptiness.

It took me a while and hurtful situations to realise that only God can truly fill up that emptiness and love me just as I am. He has never stopped and never will.

The Lord appeared to me (Israel) from ages past, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you.
Jeremiah 31:3 AMP

The ultimate truth is that even with all my mess, my emotional trauma and hurtful situations, He made a strong,  confident and full of faith lady. When they say He makes things beautiful in His own time believe it. I know it's hard but try to look at the bigger picture.

And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.
Romans 8:28 AMP

Look fellow Christian, sometimes because of our choices we end up with traumas and broken hearts. You should know it was never God's intention. He draws us even closer to Him, its just up to us to make the decision to draw closer.

The Lord is near to the heartbroken And He saves those who are crushed in spirit (contrite in heart, truly sorry for their sin).
Psalms 34:18 AMP

Watch out for the next part of this blog. Thanks for reading and God bless you

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The multitude of counselors

Healing

The bible clearly says that: This is the second: ‘You shall [unselfishly] love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12:31 AMP

The question then is: how can you love someone else when you have alot of baggage? I have had experiences that led me to believe I wasn't beautiful enough to be loved. I went through emotional trauma, been told I was nothing, felt belittled and my vulnerability was taken advantage of. How then can I love my neighbour?

The importance of a counsellor is very crucial at this stage. I can tell you that silence truly does nothing for you, it never did anything for me. You need someone to help you with what you are going through.
I had the greatest relief knowing that I could talk to people I trusted and understood where I was coming from.
Remember someone maybe godly but they may not be wise enough to counsel you. Make sure you have the peace of mind and assurance that that person is the right person for you.

Where there is no [wise, intelligent] guidance, the people fall [and go off course like a ship without a helm], But in the abundance of [wise and godly] counselors there is victory.
Proverbs 11:14 AMP

Alot of people think it isn't necessary but I can tell you it did so much for me. I would have been insecure about alot of things if I had attempted to date at that point in time. I would've easily given someone's son hell and wouldn't have had the right mind to 'love my neighbour'. It sounds far fetched but carrying baggage into a relationship expecting someone to help you is not advised.

Let me just say that what you went through was not your fault and keeping silent will not help you. Do not think about what others will say about you or what will happen when you talk about it. Your life is more important. There is no one greater than God.

So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently say, “The Lord is my Helper [in time of need], I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:6 AMP

Watch out for part 2 of multitude of counselors. God bless you for reading

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Multitude of counselors part 2 —

Forgiveness

One of the most difficult things to do is to forgive and forget. Believe or not it took me years to fully move forward from alot of things and I am still in the process. The bible says in the Lords prayer: Forgive us the wrongs we have done as we ourselves release forgiveness to those who have wronged us.
Matthew 6:12 TPT

Like I said in the previous post sometimes we forget that people are just human and there is no one greater than God. It takes the help of the Holy Spirit to truly forgive.
He is the greatest and most important counselor, what no man can do for you: is always possible with Him.

And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), to be with you forever—
John 14:16 AMP

The Holy Spirit has been the greatest help and best friend in my journey. He has never ever left my side, as scripture says, He has been just as Jesus described Him and more. He has been my guide and compass. I find more comfort reading scripture more than anything and I believe that every believer should try to find themselves in scripture.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument], And before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own]; I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 AMP

Each of us is unique, everything about us is perfect in the eyes of God and no one has the right to create a different version of you. It took me a while to accept who God created me to be. Its only recently that I can say I am happy with who I am today and that my friend is growth. That is the most important thing, understand what God says about you and love the way He created you.

Remember Healing takes time and there is no competition in doing so. Others take years to get over certain things and others a short time but know that everything works out for good.

Now watch out for the next chapter as we dive into dating.  God bless you for reading

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Prayer

Prayer is very important. If you believe in the power of prayer you will know that God answers every prayer.
Scripture says: be unceasing and persistent in prayer;
1 Thessalonians 5:17 AMP

Praying for a partner is very important. The earlier you start the better, I have written down realistic personality or character traits of which I would like in my future hubby and I take the time to pray over them.

When I say realistic I mean things that you know are very important to you. For example someone who loves God, noble character, has vision etc. Things that are unrealistic are things like physical appearance, money etc. The key is to look for potential.

Hannah prayed for something specific: a son and with persistence God answered her prayer. What God cannot do does not exist, always remember that.

It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son; she named him Samuel, saying, “Because I have asked for him from the Lord.”
1 Samuel 1:20 AMP

When you ask, you will receive. I have had 'doppel-gangers' who seem to be the right person but when you know what you've asked for, you will continue praying and believing: God will answer according to His will! This means it may not come in the package you expect or anticipate.

For this reason I am telling you, whatever things you ask for in prayer [in accordance with God’s will], believe [with confident trust] that you have received them, and they will be given to you.
Mark 11:24 AMP

I am sure you are asking yourself: how will I know if this person isn't the one I have prayed for? I always ask God to show me something that will prove to me that the person isn't right and with the peace in my heart, I easily let go. See you know that someone isn't right for you without even thinking too much about it, there is no one who has to tell you. Don't hold on to something that is not yours, it's not worth it. It's okay to be single and patiently wait.

Desperation ends in disaster and coming to a realisation of what you want in your partner is important. Watch out for the next blog! God bless you for reading

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Preparation

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.
Proverbs 31:10 AMP

The scripture above says it all, its difficult to find a Proverbs 31 woman but it's not difficult to read about her and learn from her. If you think you know everything there is to know already I would like to encourage you to humble yourself.

Likewise, you younger men [of lesser rank and experience], be subject to your elders [seek their counsel]; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another [tie on the servant’s apron], for God is opposed to the proud [the disdainful, the presumptuous, and He defeats them], but He gives grace to the humble.
1 Peter 5:5 AMP

I have had the most difficult time the past 1year, I had to re-evaluate who I was, what I wanted and start learning everything I thought I knew all over again. Ofcourse I learnt alot from my amazing spiritual mother whilst I was away from my sisters, but who knew that someone from a different cultural background would teach me so much and build a foundation for more to be taught. Truth is I thought I learnt enough but I received the shock of my life when I moved on to a new phase of my life. Learning never ends.

For whoever has [a teachable heart], to him more [understanding] will be given; and whoever does not have [a yearning for truth], even what he has will be taken away from him.”
Mark 4:25 AMP

We all know the basic things we ought to learn like cooking, cleaning, managing finances, hygiene(very important),health and appearance. What I really need for each us to understand is before you are married or in a relationship, you are a individual. All these things you do in preparation for what God has for you, should be done for yourself: remember you can't love without loving yourself. Have a routine that you have in order to maintain your cleanliness, health, finances, hygiene and appearance. Create time to reflect on your goals and aims. Have a balanced work life. I would like to point out that, I have not read anywhere in the bible where it says a Christian should not look nice, scripture says;

Let your true beauty come from your inner personality, not a focus on the external. For lasting beauty comes from a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is precious in God’s sight and is much more important than the outward adornment of elaborate hair, jewelry, and fine clothes.
1 Peter 3:3‭-‬4 TPT

What I understand from this scripture is that your inner beauty should take more precedence than your outer beauty. It means work on your attitude, work on your temperament, work on how you carry yourself and work on the way you talk. Keep it mind not to neglect your outer appearance, most importantly your health.

I have had the privilege of having women who are single or married, say it like it is with no filter. I have learnt alot about my body from my sisters and how to find what best suits me and to be confident in my own skin. I have learnt alot about child care, truths about marriage, managing finances and managing a home from my sisters and spiritual mother. Everyone needs older women to guide them through this journey. Learning never ends

Likewise with the female elders, lead them into lives free from gossip and drunkenness and to be teachers of beautiful things.
Titus 2:3 TPT

Remember you are an individual before you are in a relationship or marriage. Work on yourself so you can be a better person.

Thank you for reading and God bless you

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The List

For this reason, I am telling you, whatever things you ask for in prayer [in accordance with God’s will], believe [with confident trust] that you have received them, and they will be given to you.
Mark 11:24 AMP

I do not doubt in my mind that God always comes through one way or another. He always will and always does. As I was working towards my growth as an individual, I spent time also trying to understand what I needed and wanted in a partner. Of course, it took some hurtful breakups to realise that my standards are not high I just haven't found the right person.

It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son; she named him Samuel, saying, “Because I have asked for him from the Lord.”
1 Samuel 1:20 AMP

Hannah, as I mentioned before knew exactly what she wanted. If you read her story you will see that she was put in an awkward position and people thought she was mad. Hannah prayed a specific prayer for something she wanted, why should I not do the same. Because of Hannahs example, I have my specific prayer for my partner.

“ Ask and keep on asking and it will be given to you; seek and keep on seeking and you will find; knock and keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew 7:7 AMP

Scripture is alive and is there to be the greatest example for us to follow. And persistence is key. As I take the time to pray I always write down what I look for.

The top 5 qualities I look for: are a prayerful man, noble character, honourable, full of the Spirit and patient. To be honest, apart from this, I spend more time asking God to work on me too because you cannot ask for what you do not have.

Top 5 deal breakers for me:

I. My faith is very important to me and there isn't any compromise with that, no matter how good looking you may be, my God comes first. This is why:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:25 KJV
It takes a man who reads the word to understand this.

II. Someone I can build an emotional connection with and be secure whilst doing so.

III. Intimacy- Intimacy comes in different forms, it's not just about sex. There is intellectual intimacy, recreational intimacy, spiritual intimacy and sexual intimacy, look it takes time to know someone and each of these has a role to play when building a relationship. If there isn't a safe space to build any of these, for me there is no compromise.

IV. The agreement- I am very old school, it's recently that I realised how important this is to me. Scripture says: Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3 KJV). I don't know if you can relate but a one-sided relationship is not a nice one, so I always tell whoever I date that if they don't ask me to be their girlfriend or beloved: I am single. I am not in the business of asking questions like, what are we? Or when will you ask me to be your girl anymore? I am past that.

V. Height- let's be realistic here I am 5'6 and love to wear heels of course this would be a deal-breaker.

I have more on my list but it's good to leave room for the unexpected but do not put aside what is important to you. If you are in your early 20's I would advise you not to rush, I spent 4years of my life single. Come on we all like boys and I did like some certain guys, but never pushed that agenda. I can tell you that those 4years helped mould me. So it's okay to be single in your early 20's.

Thanks for reading. God bless you, please share and follow my page with the link below

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Communication

Communication is one of the most important aspects of life. It is not possible to let someone know what it is you are looking for, need or want without communicating it verbally, through a message or by action.

Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving];
James 1:19 AMP

How you communicate is very important. My strongest temperament is choleric, and we all know the nature of a choleric person. ( Take the time to take the temperament test to figure out what yours is, I will post a link below ). I simply had to be trained to control how I say things and also control my temper. With time I learnt how to talk to people of different temperaments. Look no ones is perfect but learning to control your temperament is a huge foundation to make it easier to communicate with others.

Let your speech at all times be gracious and pleasant, seasoned with salt, so that you will know how to answer each one [who questions you].
Colossians 4:6 AMP

I have met several people who don't like people who just babble. To be well mannered doesn't only come with action, it comes with speech as well. Attractiveness does not only come with outer appearance, it comes with speech as well. I cannot stand anyone who cannot have a decent conversation, it is a major turn off for me. I am not saying don't be yourself, I am saying don't go over a certain limit.

A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, But harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 AMP

We all have a specific way we communicate. I am someone who finds it easier to write down how I feel about something and after it has been read, I can verbally express myself. Writing gives me time to think and process what I want to say politely and gently. I am not one to leave a conversation hanging.

When you are in the process of dating helping someone understand where you are coming from is important because we all communicate differently, the way we receive is also different. Constant communication helps you understand the kind of person you are dealing with.

Thanks for reading and God bless you.
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Temperament test

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Love languages

Before I even get started on this, I must say it's one of the most amazing phenomena I have come across. There is a link at the bottom of the page if you are interested in taking the quiz to find out your love language.

So what is a love language?

Each of us differs in the ways that we receive love. By learning to give love in the ways that our partner can best receive it, and by asking our partner to give us love in the ways that we can receive it, we can create stronger relationships.

The Five Love languages

According to author Gary Chapman, there are five love languages: 

• Words of Affirmation - Saying kind and supportive things to your partner

• Acts of Service - Doing kind and helpful things for your partner

• Receiving Gifts - Giving your partner gifts to let them know you were thinking about them

• Quality Time - Spending time with your partner

• Physical Touch - Being touched and caressed by your partner

Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].
1 Corinthians 13:4‭-‬7 AMP

Believe it or not, we all give much more of our love language to others and sometimes we get frustrated when we don't receive what we are giving.
My main love language is physical touch, anyone who knows me can tell you that I love to give hugs. It's just how I like to show that I care for someone.  My second love language is words of Affirmation. I love to hear nice things. Lol. But if you don't mean it, it's easy to tell especially when love language number one isn't in full effect. That is why I value anyone who can at least tell what I like and find a way to compromise because we can't always get what we want but a little effort goes a long way. How I wish food was a love language though, it speaks to the heart as well 😂

It takes a lot of patience to learn how to show someone their love language. The scripture above tells us exactly what we need to do to truly love and be loved.

Thanks for reading and don't forget to share. God bless you

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Love language

Love languages Quiz

Sometimes it hurts

I took the time to read Psalms this year and I must say it was very comforting to do so. As I read I could see how King David was in distress, hurt, frustrated and discouraged about so many things. People didn't like him, he fell into sin sometimes and had a broken heart but above all the troubles he went through at every end of the Psalm there was always hope. He knew God was the only person who could understand him. I can relate to David, I am imperfect sometimes it's even hard to express to anyone the internal struggles but God! He is everything.

Whom have I in heaven [but You]? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the rock and strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalms 73:25‭-‬26 AMP

I have dated, been in relationships, been cheated on, loved and not been loved in return. The lessons learned from these experiences have taught me to let go, if it isn't what I prayed for, there is no use in holding on. It took a while to understand what it meant to "let go". It's not an easy thing to do, but I find comfort in this scripture:

but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [you're] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 AMP

Don't give up, put all your fears aside and allow God to give you the person He meant for you to be with. When he arrives you will know, any concerns you have will merely be an experience. The bible says:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18 KJV

Believe it or not, He is with you in every single hurtful situation. He clothes you with His love even when you are unaware of it.

The Lord is near to the heartbroken And He saves those who are crushed in spirit (contrite in heart, truly sorry for their sin).
Psalms 34:18 AMP

Take heart ❤.  Thank you so much for reading and God bless you.

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Are you romantic?

The reason I started this blog was to give an insight into the reality of dating. I feel like most Christians don't give the full picture of how it was when they dated, which is why I try to keep it real. If you decide to go by a rule book that is fine but someone like me struggles with rules versus reality. Today's blog has answers given by fellow Christians, it was done by an anonymous survey which I sent to some people so let's dive in.

But test all things carefully [so you can recognize what is good]. Hold firmly to that which is good.
1 Thessalonians 5:21 AMP

This question of romance is undeniably the most confusing thing.

Romance is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. (Oxford dictionary)

For most relationships to keep aflame romance is a huge factor from the simple gestures to the kind words, these things require honesty. It is a form of intimacy but does not require getting into a physical kind of relationship though that's how most people would receive it in marriage.

The survey on romance was an interesting thing to do, people from the ages 22 to 34 took the time to answer it. I must say most ladies had a clear understanding of what romance is and what they expect from their partners. As for the men, I couldn't help but laugh, it was clear that they are clueless. I have heard this phrase from several ladies they always advise me to say that "Don't assume a guy knows what you like, you have to find a way to constantly remind them, they are not Superman to guess". I am grateful to everyone who kept it real.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked the question, what is romance to you. I was caught off guard because no guy has ever asked me that question. I thought long and hard about it and romance to me is tickling my emotions to keep me in tune with someone's pursuit of me. It's the simplest of things that matter to me, a hug, holding my hand, a sweet text, flowers or a random gift. I guess the communication part has been answered but having conversations about these things is important. How would I show my partner romance? I would get to know what he likes first, sometimes the things I like might not be necessarily what he likes.

Take the time to think of what you like and understand your partner too. It has to be reciprocal. I have posted a few responses below from survey. Feel free to go through it.

Thanks for reading and God bless you.

01

Whats your definition of romance?

02

How do you expect to receive it?

03

How would you show romance to your partner?

04

How would you communicate to your partner how you expect your partner to show you romance?

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Dating

What is dating?

Let's start with what dating is not. A date is not dating. Again, please don’t be a freakish weirdo and give Christians a negative label. Having coffee or going to eat dinner with the opposite sex is not dating. That’s a date. Dating is more intimate. Dating involves being real and having difficult conversations to get to know who that person is. It involves sharing personal struggles and vulnerability. In that process, you will be able to tell whether you and that person are compatible to go into a committed relationship that will end in marriage. The whole purpose of dating is to widen your net and then when you are in a relationship you are with only one person. Remember to keep an open mind.

Don't just settle for any person because to everyone he is a great Christian brother or he does so much for the church. I have heard several stories of how someone might be all that but very different in other environments. I believe that being around people he is close to is very important. Look it's good to have a Christian community of people you can be around and chill and all that stuff. But who is he when he is with his family or his childhood friends? Can he introduce you to his friends? If not that's a red flag! The bible says:

You will know these people by the way that they live. The things that they do are like their fruit. Grapes do not grow on thorn bushes. Figs do not grow on weeds.
Matthew 7:16 EASY

I believe this scripture does not only relate to preachers but fellow Christians as well. A wise person always tells me once you see someone's character the first time believe it! Do not make the mistake of thinking they will change that's who they are.

God has the intention of giving you something good, it will take time. The process of dating requires you to put yourself out there and meeting more than one person within certain periods of time. I know what's it's like starting from square one all over again, it's annoying having to ask the same conversations and contemplating whether to be vulnerable with this person. (N.B I will talk more about vulnerability in the next blog). But you know what you want and it's someone who will love God enough to love you too. Sometimes we limit God's ability to give us beauty by overlooking the red flags and thinking that's what God intended for us. After dating someone for sometime and things don't work out I always give myself time to re-evaluate.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
James 1:17 KJV

There's nothing in your world that catches Him by surprise. God knows you, knows your every move and has given you the free will to choose your partner. He knows the mistakes you might encounter and the lessons you will learn from them. I know the dating process is tiring sometimes you will ask yourself what you are doing but the man you have been praying for will find you if you put yourself out there and not sit at home wondering when the person will arrive. Go for seminars, dinner parties, read a book in a coffee shop or if you have friends to introduce you to mutual friends do that. Just give people a chance and be honest if you feel it won't work. We all know if something is not going to work and don't push the agenda because others think it will work. I have friends and family who ask me difficult questions about my relationships but are happy when I am happy. By the way, you are not dating his family you are dating him and if his decisions are based on what his family thinks about you, and not what he thinks please don't waste your time. Dating is not for those who rely on another person's opinion to validate who they should be with or another person for joy, peace, and purpose. Try to date with an honest and pure heart.

Dating with a trajectory towards marriage means dating with a purpose. It means dating someone who meets the values and goals you have for a future spouse.

Thanks for reading and God bless you. Watch out for the next blog post.

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Vulnerability

This is one thing we as human beings find difficult to do, being our true selves. The topic of Vulnerability has been an interesting one to write about. And with the survey responses as a Christian, it's kind of sad.

What is Vulnerability in a relationship?

Being vulnerable in a relationship means allowing your partner to know you fully: your thoughts, feelings, challenges, weaknesses. It can be scary to show those sides to our partners out of fear of being judged.

I found it very hard to be vulnerable with fellow Christians, I probably had a few people I would be open with but no one knew my true self, knew my thoughts, feelings, challenges etc. Sometime last year my small circle of friends whom I had known for my entire stay in China started to become vulnerable for the first time, and it made us closer. There was no room to be judged and a safe space was created for us to share.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power].
James 5:16 AMP

To this day we can openly talk about the struggles we face and it has helped me practice how to be vulnerable. We need to understand that you cannot be vulnerable with just anyone, unfortunately, we have Christians who are very critical about so many things. I believe that we have to pray about who we give out information to.

The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
Proverbs 12:26

I am using friendship as an example because once you view your partner as your friend opening up and being vulnerable won't be difficult. There's nothing better than feeling totally loved and accepted by someone, and the more your partner gets to know the real you, the more they'll be able to accept you. The whole point of being vulnerable is to have your partner pray for you, encourage you and help you become a better person.

As iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens [and influences] another [through discussion].
Proverbs 27:17 AMP

Figuring out why you're having a hard time opening up about certain things is easier said than done, and can be a lengthy process. Before you talk to your partner about something difficult, it's important to find the right words within yourself first. Deciding to start opening up in your relationship doesn't have to be a huge production right off the bat; instead, start by taking baby steps and being more vulnerable when it comes to the little things first. Remember it's reciprocal if your partner isn't doing the same then you have to ask yourself the tough questions.

Two are better than one because they have a more satisfying return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9‭-‬10 AMP

Everyone opens up at their own pace, and it's OK if it takes you a little extra time. Nevertheless, it's important to be able to communicate your fears and worries about opening up to your partner. It's not always easy to ask for what you need in a relationship, but if you plan to open up to your partner — particularly about something difficult — it's good, to be honest about what you need or want from them after you open up. While your relationship should always feel like a safe space to open up, you should still consider the timing before you talk about something important; don't carelessly bring the topic up while one of you is doing the dishes or reading a book, for example. Try to find a quiet place where you can both have an honest conversation.

Remember vulnerability requires a certain level of trust and if you cannot trust that, the information you share stays with your partner then you have to reconsider whether you should be in a relationship with that person or not.

Thanks for reading and God bless you. Below are some responses from the survey.

What does it mean to be vulnerable to you?

Has being vulnerable been an issue? If so why?

Do you find it difficult to be vulnerable with fellow Christians?

Are you vulnerable with your partner? if you do not have one, would you be comfortable?

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Boundaries

Many assume boundaries are unloving defences intended to create distance rather than relationship. In reality, boundaries are more or less having self-awareness and not keeping people out.

The whole point of having boundaries is to keep ourselves within limits where we know when to stop and allow others to begin. It's about defining who you are as an individual and what you think without pushing others away.

However, if we go over a certain boundary that someone has defined that's when we tend to be pushed away. Many Christians seem to have adopted the idea that boundaries are inherently negative. Somehow Christianity has come to define love as having no boundaries.
Boundaries need to exist in relationships for love to be true, genuine, and purely motivated.

Let your foot seldom be in your neighbor’s house, Or he will become tired of you and hate you.
Proverbs 25:17 AMP

This scripture implies that if you overstep your neighbour’s boundaries, then he will hate you, and it will be your fault! That’s a clear example of living within healthy boundaries. I am sometimes really clingy in relationships and I have learnt to give space to my partner when it is necessary because they too have boundaries that I have to respect.  Remember you are two individuals who have different interests and purposes, as well as different growth phases, try to understand that sometimes.

Personal Boundaries define our identity and are essential for healthy and successful relationships. Setting and respecting boundaries is crucial for every kind of relationship ~ friendship, dating, marriage, parenting, family, work, ministry and otherwise.

Remember this:

Let everything you do be done in love [motivated and inspired by God’s love for us].
1 Corinthians 16:14 AMP

So, it’s now clear that boundaries are not unloving or unbiblical. Instead, they are powerful tools to protect you and the people you love. It’s important to take this seriously because choosing to not live with boundaries can be very damaging to your relationship.

God bless you for reading and don't forget to share.

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How to talk about boundaries

Look there is no other way to let another person know how you feel, but by telling them. It's not easy for a lot of us to verbally express our feelings.

Believe it or not, the Bible says something remarkable and it applies to every area of our lives.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.
Proverbs 18:21 AMP

Words can bring life into a relationship and what you say and how you say it is very important. Like I mentioned I find it hard to verbally express myself but I realised not long ago, that important conversations are necessary for a relationship to grow. As tough as it may be the truth is we cannot guess what someone may think until it is conveyed.

Set a good atmosphere for you and your partner to talk with no distractions. Have in mind that both of you have to listen to each other. Ask questions if you don't understand and do not make assumptions. Remember that if something you have done has been brought to your attention, it's an opportunity to reflect on yourself and grow. Finally, speak life and talk about how you can both move forward to make things better.

Having difficult conversations makes a huge difference and brings fewer confrontational conversations. Always speak life and respect each other's boundaries.

Thank you for reading and God bless you. Don't forget to like and follow on Instagram, feel free to ask questions if you have any.

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There is no paper cut person for everyone

I know, I know I have been quiet for a while. I had to re-evaluate what I wanted. I nearly settled because I felt like I had no other choice but the power of praying for a partner is amazing. I always ask God to show me who the person really is and He always does.

Today's blog is about how our processes as individuals in terms of 'finding the one' is different. My sister gave me a pep talk and enlightened my mind to something I honestly didn't see.

So we will dive in and look at 3 wonderful women in the bible.

Esther (Read the book of Esther)
Believe it or not, she simply took the role of someone who took it for granted. I believe she had no idea that one day she would be someone's queen. Her humility was not only inward but outward and the king saw it and didn't hesitate to marry her.

Ruth (Read the book of Ruth)

Ruth under the worst circumstances had a choice to go back to her people or follow her mother-in-law. Not everyone can do that in the modern world but she followed Naomi and her mother in law taught her everything she needed to become the wife to Boaz. Imagine going to sleep at the feet of a guy you barely even know but only by what you have heard of. Her story is bizarre but that's how it worked for her.

Mary (Read Matthew 1:18- 25, chapter 2)

Mary is strong not everyone can endure what she did. It is very common to be ridiculed in the world today for just getting pregnant before marriage. Now imagine what she had to go through, which man would believe you if you said the Holy Spirit made you pregnant? It would be like a joke. But that was her story, and she was given the strength to go through it.

Each of these women played a role in each of their stories, Esther saved Gods people. Ruth restored her late husband's name and the line of David began. Mary gave birth to our Saviour and today we can be called Gods children.

I haven't had the best experience with dating but I can tell you that my story is different and so is yours. God has someone who will treat you like their queen, will not hesitate to marry you, will not ridicule you or judge you for who you are.
Gods got you!

Thank you for reading my blog and I pray you may have the strength to go through your story with ease.

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He puts effort if you are worth his effort

Okay, I am not calling out any brother out there but a man full of excuses has nothing to give. And the type of energy you give a woman is the same energy you will receive.

...for where your treasure is, there your heart [your wishes, your desires; that on which your life centers] will be also.
Matthew 6:21 AMP

If you are truly his treasure and if you show her that you cherish her, that's when reciprocity comes to life. If he sees you are worth his time, money and thinking of you, he will go out of his way to show you, what he has. Yes ladies the little things should matter if he is going out of his way to woo you, appreciate it. Don't compare what others have with what you already have.

Proverbs 30:18-19: "There are three things that amaze me—no, four things that I don't understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman."

A man is very much capable of showing you he loves you, he can be vulnerable in the process. He won't shy away from it nor will he let his world not know about it. You won't be hidden under a rock, he won't be shy to be seen with you.

I am glad I learnt this as I dated earlier this year, it's so easy to go with the flow knowing in your heart that he will not change, nothing will change. The moment I met someone who put in more effort than I have ever seen a man put, I couldn't believe it. It was then I knew I was worthy of being cherished and loved.

Ladies appreciate the effort no matter how small and men if she is worth it shows her that she is worthy.

God bless you for reading and don't forget to follow me on Instagram. Compliments of the season

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Healing

The journey

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]
John 16:33 AMPC

The world is full of trials and tribulations that are something we cannot avoid. Jesus is probably the best example of how to overcome. He went through the same experiences we had, He was betrayed, rejected, persecuted, and tempted, He was even sceptical about going to the cross, you name it.

The important thing you have to notice is His response to all this. He never neglected His human nature, but He still overcame.  He could've numbed Himself to it all but He didn't.

The problem we have in most churches is not being able to express our humanity before we even get to do so, it is immediately shunned.

I had so much I hadn't dealt with emotionally, as well as past traumas and abuse that it started to show in the way I reacted to situations and treated people. To me, it was me being somebody strong but crying inside and lost as an individual.
I remember seeing my brother after 4 years of being away from my home country. And said, "why have you become boring", in other words, he was asking why I wasn't me anymore.

I thank God for my sisters, because not only did they recognise the change in me but helped me be me again. As for the trauma of sexual abuse I experienced, just follow this series to see the process I am going through to be a better Christian and person.

This series is meant for me to share my experiences and how they have led me to the road of freedom in Christ.

And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.
John 8:32 AMPC

True Freedom is knowing who you are in Christ and being your authentic self, who He made you be, not what the world wants you to be.

But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7 AMPC
Hello readers it's good to be back again, I pray that God sees you through a journey of freedom. God bless you for reading.
Don't forget to share and follow.

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HEALING

It's not true!

And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.
John 8:32 AMPC

I was religious and in being like that I believed anything and everything without any scriptural context.

I believed the way I dressed was the reason why I was abused, so in my mind, I was the bad nut amongst the church leadership. I believed it so much that it stopped me from being the worshipper I was meant to be, I found it hard to sing. Even when I tried I would struggle.

I believed when I left the church, that I was cursed and expected the worst to happen to me, and even when it did I believed I deserved it, as a result, I spent a long time not being able to pray, worship and go to church because I was afraid I would be treated the same way. My lack of prayer got me sick, I collapsed and I was diagnosed with an illness I have never had.

I believed I wasn't good enough so much that it showed how I dressed and took care of myself. By God's grace, my sisters helped me with this.

All this was not true, it isn't scriptural but I believed it so much that I lost myself.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 NIV

If we conform to whatever it is that is told to us without looking at God's word we can never walk in God's will.

Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”
Mark 3:28‭-‬29 NIV
The only scripture that talks about a Christian being cursed or guilty is when they speak against the Holy Spirit. Leaving a church peacefully doesn't mean you have sinned you are the church. Do what is necessary for you to grow as a Christian.

But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7 AMPC

It's sad how we can look at someone in a short skirt or dress, and automatically judge them. One thing I loved about Jesus is how He didn't once look at a person's sin but showed them love and in doing so their hearts were towards Him and that's all that mattered.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
Mark 12:30 NIV
I fully understand this scripture now, because in doing so, nothing anyone says matters, all you think about is how to love God and that's all that matters. Not what people say or think.

I pray that you may find your authentic self as you love God, remember it is not true!

God bless you for reading and don't forget to share and like my page

Healing

Forgiveness is for you

The process of getting to the point of forgiveness is difficult, so many things run through our minds about what it would mean if we do forgive. One thing we need to understand is that it's not about how we feel that gets us to that point, it's a decision we have to make.

We think to ourselves:
"If I forgive, I am saying what happened was okay".
"I'll never be able to forget what happened, so I can't forgive".
"I don't feel like forgiving".
"I can't forgive until the person who hurt me apologises".

The truth is all these thoughts are obstacles to blessings and forgiveness.
Repay no one evil for evil, but take thought for what is honest and proper and noble [aiming to be above reproach] in the sight of everyone.
Romans 12:17 AMPC

Human nature will tell us to go through with how we feel. God tells us not to follow through with it but do what is right. The truth is whoever hurt us may have meant it for evil but God has a plan for us. And they have moved on with their lives without a single thought of what they did.

As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day.
Genesis 50:20 AMPC

Forgiveness is for you and me, it is meant to help us move forward and receive every blessing God has for us. He wants you to live a life full of joy and peace but it starts with us deciding to forgive, it is a process, it is not a one-time thing, you have to do it over and over until you know in your heart that you have done so.

But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses.
Matthew 6:15 AMPC
It's not easy but we can do it with God by our side.

Thank you for reading and please follow my Instagram as we shade more light on forgiveness this week. God bless you for your support.

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Healing  —

It's about how you think

Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse–
Deuteronomy 11:26 AMPC

We have the choice to think positively which is a healthy way of living or think negatively which deteriorates your body and kills your brain cells. Look we become what we think and it comes out in how we speak and behave. We have about 18 to 6000 thoughts per day and have the choice to keep (store up) and dwell on particular ones.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 NIV

I shared with you things I believed to be true, it took a total change in environment and mindset to help me walk towards healing. It started with family and friends who knew me and spoke positively about my life. A toxic environment will never allow you to think positively. It will not allow you to know God's "good, pleasing and perfect will" for your life. It will not allow you to choose a blessing, all you will think of is negative-filled curses. Our minds control the brain, the brain doesn't control our minds, we can do far more than we can imagine if we choose to think positively as God designed us in His image!

my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. “Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children.
Hosea 4:6 NIV
There are books littered with the knowledge God has given us to think positively, the greatest of these being the bible. There is help available if you have serious traumas, it is there ready for you if you choose to. If you can talk about things you've buried deep into your subconscious not only will the healing walk be easy but the process of forgiveness will be easier too.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV
God has equipped us with all we need to walk this earth and overcome. He is the strength we need to change the way we think. Take some time and read scripture about your situation, pray and ask God to show you how to think positively, and the people who He has made ready to help you.

God bless you for reading, don't forget to like my page and share.

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Healing

Re-evaluate

The way we behave towards others and react to certain situations is a result of things we have not dealt with throughout our life. We have created a defence mechanism that puts every trauma, hurt and painful experience deep inside our subconscious. As a result, we are bitter, short-tempered, rude, isolated, feel ashamed, less beautiful, unattractive, insecure, impatient, stressed, anxious,  people pleasing and the list goes on.
All these things form your belief system.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7‭-‬8 NLT

We talked about how it is important to intentionally think positively. This can only be achieved by talking about what's bothering you with God or any bible believing Christian or counsellor. We see in the scripture that to be fully revived in a positive way we also need to trust in God and His process. Only then will we produce good fruit (behaviour patterns and reactions to situations).

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
Galatians 5:22‭-‬23 NLT

Renewing your mind requires an entire reset of how you think and what you believe and being human that is a rather tough process to go through. We need to understand that for a tree to produce fruit it also has to go through several stages. So it is with us, reevaluation of ourselves means letting go of what was and allowing God to give us the fruit of the Spirit, it means replacing impatience with patience, rudeness with kindness, fear with peace and the list goes on.

It's hard looking at yourself and pointing out your faults but that's one of the ways to become a better Christian and version of yourself. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect and that shouldn't stop you from being who God sees you to be and created you to be.

Take some time, look at how you behave and see if it's right in God's sight only then will you be able to forgive and be healed of anything that you've kept in your heart.

God bless you for reading and I pray as you read this that have the strength to take that step to total freedom in Christ. Please share and follow my page on Instagram.

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Healing

Forgiving yourself

It was hard, I blamed myself for everything that happened to me. I had come from a relationship where someone cheated on me and that relationship cost me, friends. And all those years I thought it was me maybe I was, what they called a 'strange woman', every time I heard preaching about it, I believed it was me. I was new to the church so it could've been me, I thought to myself, without knowing it I lived in isolation, only allowing a few people in my life, only they knew who I was.

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12:31 NIV

How then will I love others as they are truly meant to be loved, if I haven't cut myself some slack and stopped blaming myself?  I guess this was the hardest step to do, love myself again.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Jeremiah 29:11‭-‬14 NIV

To get to the place we need to be we have to start from the beginning. It is clear throughout scripture that God is calling us to come to Him. And even before we gave our lives to Christ, He was calling us. It is true to say that when we go off the path we began, we have to understand how we stumbled in the first place, that way you not only unravel what you hid deep within you that was eating you up, but also work your way back to the path set for you.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5‭-‬6 NIV

I had to trust God and in doing so I could finally trust that He would give me someone to help me through my process of healing, someone who would show me what it meant to 'love your neighbor as yourself.' It's a process and it's something I am still learning to do. My lovely Pastor, always says, 'my chicken(she gave me a nickname) it's not true! I know it's hard but you cannot blame yourself. '

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
James 5:16 NIV

I started speaking, and the relief I have gotten has been very helpful. I prayed about something I went through with an amazing group of ladies and soon (hopefully) we can expand this to my fellow readers. So please talk to someone about what you have been through, they may not know what to say but talking about it and praying together is a good way to get back on your path.

It takes a brave step to look at your feelings and emotions and reflect on them to move forward. Loving yourself for who you are in Christ is the biggest step you take towards forgiving yourself and others in the long run.

God bless you for reading and don't forget to share and like my page.

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Healing: Forgive God

It took a while for me to write this because I hadn't gotten to that place to write about it. I have gone through situations that made me question whether God was with me. Why is this happening to me? Why isn't this happening to me? Little did I know that all those thoughts and expectations of God were drawing me away from Him.

God is in the midst of her [His city], she will not be moved; God will help her when the morning dawns.
Psalms 46:5 AMP

That's the reality of being human we forget that He is always with us and never leaves us. And for God to take you to the place He needs you to be sometimes you have to start from the beginning. And the devil knows that the further away you get from God, the further away you get to your purpose. The devil knows that no relationship with God is an opportunity for him to wreak havoc.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10 NIV

Look what God wants is a relationship with you and having a relationship with Him means talking to Him, letting Him know how you feel about everything that bothers you. Doing so gives a release of thoughts that hold you captive by the devil. Doing so puts you on the path God intends for you.
I don't know who is reading this but forgive God, talk to Him, and remember He is a good good Father. This is a major step towards healing and making you whole again.

Come near to God and he will come near to you....
James 4:8 NIV

I pray God opens up your heart and melts every heart of stone reading this. Thank you for reading and God bless you.

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Healing

The genetics

Every part of us is entwined in our genetic makeup. The way we behave, react to situations, and come up with solutions is all a result of what genes we have inherited from our parents.

In biology, the word gene (from Greek: γένος, génos; meaning generation or birth or gender) can have several different meanings. A Mendelian gene is a basic unit of heredity and the molecular gene is a sequence of nucleotides in DNA that is transcribed to produce a functional RNA.~Wikipedia ~

We inherit a lot of curses, negative behaviors, unwanted patterns, and/or ways of living without us realizing that generations ago our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc had these behaviors. We see it in our families, how uncles or Aunties don't forgive each other or hold unnecessary grudges.
I want you to take the time and write down all the negative things going on in your family and identify some of these patterns in your life.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—
Ephesians 1:4‭-‬5 NIV
There is something about being born again into God's family. We are made a new creation and that is glorious, it simply means every negative pattern we had inherited from former generations is erased.
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
1 John 4:4 NIV
At the same time, we have to be able to identify positive patterns as well such as wisdom, the ability to show affection, generosity, righteous living, serving others, loyalty, self-control, strong work ethic, etc. Identifying these things helps you identify your family's strengths.

This is a major step in a healing process, so we denounce all the negativity and not pass them on to future generations. Take some time to pray about the negative patterns and denounce them, and ask God to show you everything positive that will come out of this healing process.

Thank you for reading and don't forget to share and follow my page on Instagram. GOD bless you

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